My children are welcome to come home any time they want to, 24/7, 365 days a year.

IT's very nice that you have that open door TOS, but perhaps there is someone else in greenolivetree's situation that could offer some advice rather than look for controversy?

Well, I prefer to know ahead of time when kids/family or friends are coming by.

Frankly when no one is here DH & I might be nude or maybe want to play checkers or something uninterrupted.. So I totally understand where you are coming from. It's just being considerate and realizing maybe your parents might be busy getting it on and a phone call would be nice!

Of course our kids are welcome, but now that two of them are living here again, we have lost the abilty to be spontanous and also there is a real lack of privacy. You know somebdy runs out of TP and justs walks right in our BR, not even thinking "Gee , I should maybe knock since they are in bed." Or the G-kid runs in/or bangs on the door if its locked because he HAS to show us his hotwheels right NOW.

I'd suggest to you that your DH let him know the deal but if he is anything like mine he wont want to hurt his feelings and or confront him. I mean God forbid us parents want to have some intimate time!

No excuse for your SS being rude to you in your home, put your foot down now or it will only get worse-I promise you.
Oh, and get a lock on your bedroom door too!

Good luck!

It sounds like your husband doesn't like confrontation so he's going to send an email instead of talking. Would it have been possible for you to talk to Dana when he was there? Find out if something was bothering him? Ask him if there is something you've done to upset him? If he's upset with the call first rule, then it would have been a good time do discuss it. It's easy to get hurt feelings when nobody is talking and everyone is assuming things.

Personally, I would let it go. He doesn't live there and he was unpleasant on this visit. Perhaps there is something in his life that's upsetting him, and I'm not excusing his rudeness, but I'd be careful of how the email about his rudeness is phrased or worded because it can add to stress he may already be under. I'd let it go and see how he acts with you next time. If he gives you the cold shoulder or does anything else that makes you think there's a problem with you, I would approach him about t then.

As for making a rule about calling first, I completely agree that while I wouldn't want my kids to feel they can't come over, if they are all grown and gone, I'd certainly want to get a call before they come over. After all, I might be cleaning the house naked with no kids. (or doin' other stuff that I'm sure no kid wants to walk in on)

Im with tos,when my children leave home none of them will need an appointment to come and see me.so what if i were cleaning the house naked or doing other stuff,my house is will always be there home.

My daughter will be welcome home whenever too. I cant imagine when I was 22 that I needed to call if I wanted to pop in at my mothers. Of course she might not be home.

It is a double standard that adult children can have. KKNY or TOS are any of your children married?

Here is the deal for us. SC have keys to our house and feel they can stop in anytime they want and even help themselves to things that they "think" we don't need without even asking. They don't do that to their mother, in laws, or anyone else, just us.

Now, on the other hand, when we visit them, we are not even allowed in their houses if they are not home, let alone have keys, AND, if SC are called out while we are visiting we are asked to leave their house until they return. Can't have us in their house when they are not there. Is that not a HUGE double standard?

It sounds like the "call first" rule has been established, & the problem is that Dana, unhappy that he's been told he can't pop in at any time (& he lives in Austin; "popping in" wouldn't be for a 30 minute chat!), was obnoxious to OP during his visit.

Parents have to establish boundaries & stick to them.

When I was 5 years old, I knew I couldn't barge in to my parents' bedroom;
by the time I was 22, living in my own place, I called first, & if I had to drop in unannounced for some reason, I knocked on the door.

There's no reason for any grown person who doesn't live in the house to have automatic access.

The real problem here, I think, is that Dana, being unhappy with the rules mommy & daddy have laid down, has decided it's mommy's fault & he punished her for it.

You wouldn't put up with this kind of behavior from a 3- or 4-year-old, why put up with it from a grown man?

You guys are funny with your comments about maybe being naked when the kids pop in. All of us kids are out of our parents' house now, and they act like they're on a second honeymoon. We all have keys, and we are all welcome to stop by and visit anytime we wish (although none of us would visit were they not home); however, if we've popped in (and occassionally when they knew we would be there), if my parents get a notion to take a shower together, they do as they please. They really don't care if we're there or not...YUCK!!! I guess I should just be glad that my parents are still so infatuated with each other:)

I can see though why some people would want a call first. I have a key to my grandma's house too...not that she ever locks her door...but I always call before visiting because I know she likes to get up and get ready for the day if company's coming over. It's just a respect issue.

For the OP, I wasn't clear if the calling first was the reason SS was rude to you. It might be something totally unrelated. And how exactly was he rude? Next time I would just inquire as to if something is wrong and if there's something that's bothering him that perhaps you could help with.

I call my parents if I drive by and it is unplanned visit. Just a common courtesy. But it does not mean I have to call. since they are very busy people it is always better to call just in case. They are rarely home. I do have a key but if they are not there, I have no interest to be there. I think it is a common courtesy to call before the visit, but it does not mean it has to be a requirement.

I think that it is a sign that Dana is pretty comfortable in his dad's house and feels like this is his home. Isn't it a good thing? he of course should be respectful but it does not mean he should not feel welcome. It is a fine balance. It is OK to let him know he should call but it does not mean he needs a permission to come over.

My parents had a habbit for awhile showing up at both my brothers and my places. I want my parents to come over any time they want, but honestly I do prefer they call. My parents literally caught my brother and his wife doing you know what early in a morning. And once I had a BF over and my parents came in a very wrong time lol After those two accidents they always call both me and my brother before coming over and I extend the same courtesy to them.

Sylvia, It could be just as easy to say that OP pushed her husband into this position (which Dana my have sensed).

Out of curiousity, GOT, does the 18year old have to call before she comes over?

I think applying same rules to all children, including those of different ages (and some married, some not) can be unfair.

Colleen, my DD who is 16 lives with me 16, and does not have a key to her dads house. She never drops in on him. I would rather have her comfortable at my house, and consider it her house until she is way into adulthood.

I'd actually like a bit more clarification.

It sounds like Dana complied with yours and DH wish to call ahead. But he was rude to you by slouching in a chair and looking miserable? I don't get that.

I'm with Imamommy, it could be something totally unrelated and I'd be careful how to word the email.

Additionally, I just find it curious that you and DH agreed to treat each others children as your own when at this time, and the time you married in their lives -- the kids were grown. I guess in some cases kids wouldn't mind, but I'm sure there are a few that would be offended without getting to know them first or they aren't even looking for another parental figure. While I think the notion is nice -- I'm just not sure how an adult (or almost adult) stepchild would take to that.

Do your parents have the keys to your house finedreams? Also KKNY as much as you see yourself as a fine upstanding, perfect person, you may by some crazy twist of fate become the evil wicked mother in law. And why can't your ex's daughter have a key to his house? Because YOU FEEL and communicate very clearly that she ISN'T safe there? Only at mommy's house?

I'm wondering if what Ima said about OP talking to Dana directly might not be the best way to go. I think by now most of us on these boards, in most of the situations roughly similar to this one, tend to agree as a blanket 'rule' that the bio-parent should address 'discipline' issues (though I hesitate to use that word in a very vague amorphous interpersonal context of perceived 'attitude' and a differing viewpoint about 'pop-ins'). But I wonder if that's the best way to go when there's one of these vague amorphous 'attitude' (or 'respect', whatever you want to call it) issues between an SP and SK, especially an adult SK. Seems like the two adults should be able to discuss their interpersonal issue directly. When I think about my own life, I realize that if my SM had been able to tell me all her myriad interpersonal issues with me DIRECTLY, things would likely be vastly different and improved. (And I wouldn't be finding myself shut out of my father's life, near its end, by her self-perceived 'vindication' for all my 'wrongs' she never shared with me... such as HER particular upset that I was always there at Christmas. And I wouldn't be as blindsided and angry about it now. And I would have never let the situation get to the point where "all she put up with" in that regard makes her feel justified in behaving as she does now. If I'd been told of her issue I would have simply backed away every few years and let her have her own private stinking Christmas. But, obviously, MY DAD was never going to share HER ISSUE with me. Why? Because it was HER ISSUE, not his.)

I can't say I don't understand why an SP might *feel some fear* in approaching an SK directly with a complaint... but I think the reward of a real and honest communication pattern can be worth the risk of sticking your neck out; namely, you can pre-empt a lot of BS before it festers into something a whole lot more ugly. (This relates somewhat to what I honed in on as the problem with how Sandieanne dealt with the BM in the particular incident she cited.) It's matter of if you want to be 'adult' enough to be partner to the BP, co-decide important decisions especially as they relate to the SK's, insist upon 'respect' for any adult 'authority' you might want and turn around and say that the SK's need to 'start acting like adults' (however that comes to be defined, i.e. paying all their own bills, etc.); then you should be 'adult' enough to voice your own issues, and not be afraid to dialogue with your spouse's children directly about issues that YOU have with them.

Because that's just the thing: the BP/spouse may not have (and often does not have) the same issue with their child as you might. Therein lies the source of a lot of these conflicts. And it clearly explains why in many cases the BP/spouse seems so 'reluctant' or 'guilt-induced' about addressing some of YOUR issues with their child. For example, in greenolivetree's situation, it could be that even though DH agreed to the 'no pop-ins' rule, maybe he didn't really feel that way. Hence why he isn't Johnny-on-the-Spot about reprimanding his son for visiting. It makes sense: most BP's (I know mine would be included in this) would LOVE for their children to visit more, 'pop-in'- style or not. But it's equally understandable that an SP might not share this same open-door policy. Both desires spring from different roles and circumstances, and neither is 'wrong'... but obviously, it means the BP and SP are unlikely to really be 'on the same page' about it. So there needs to be a way to deal with things in those numerous and inevitable situations where they aren't ---or CAN'T BE--- on the same page.

I think it's different when it's a minor child who is breaking some obvious rules (ones clearly and fully agreed upon by BP and SP) that, for whatever reason (i.e. child doesn't live with SP), SP is reluctant to take disciplinary action. In this case, maybe the rule-of-thumb about "only BP handles disciplining" holds more true. But where the issues are more vague, more debatable and disagreed upon in general (let alone between BP and SP), then it seems like conflict with both spouse and stepchildren could be minimized by an SP 'owning' their own issues. (And vice-versa, to be fair.) Where others are dragged into it against their will is where frustration, mistrust and antagonism seem to especially thrive.

An aside on the 'pop-in':

If you want to take a more 'strategic', circuitous approach (as opposed to direct, honest dialogue), you might just try and orchestrate a 'tableau vivant' or a 'primal scene' when you think the kid will be 'popping in'. If ya get my meaning...

Should effectively scar the kid for life and most assuredly grant you a courtesy call in the future...

Hi greenolive..
I think maybe your SS took offence in teh way you said it to him. How did you say it? I personally also like ot be called ahead of time for visitors out of state. I dont mind people dropping by whne they live in town. Cause its easier to accomodate...dont' have to make a bed for them and also I think its rude on my part when i a person from another province comes and i dont entertain them. Which means, i change my plans to accomodate them.
I had friends dropping over to my house all the time and i love it. My husbands really hates it...dont know why..and that is his perogative.
As for his kids, they're too young now but yah when they drop over, they'll ring the doorr and come in.. I dont believe in giving anyone a key to my home who doesn't live with me. But that doesnt' stop them from coming over. If i have plans and i'm out of the house or getting out of th ehouse and they come over, well then its too bad. I will leave and lock the door and tell them to visit another time. Doesnt' matter who it is,.
And it has happened many times before a friend or cousin has dropped by or even phoned sayng they are coming and i would say, sorry i'm on my way out. We'll take a rain check.
Speak to your husband. He does feel torn cause he feels guilty. See what words were exchanged.
In all honesty, if his sons want to drop by without calling, i see no problem. If you have plans, you keep them and its their tough.
This shouldn't be an issue unless the son has control issues and your stating your line down. Andin that regard i would agree with you to stand your ground. Its your home, your rules and they have to respect it. Now if it causees grief to your husband then i think you should get together and try to arrange a middle ground for all of you.

Serenity, my understanding from greenolivetree's initial post is that Dana did accept the rule and did call before popping in.

That's why I am asking for clarification because aside from him slouching in his chair and looking miserable, I really don't see anything that was terrible or even "bad" enough by his behavior that her DH would have to address or confront.

Again, this is why I question why greenolivetree and DH agreed to treat all of their children as their own, when you really can't this late in the game. They are grown ups, already brought up with values their BP's instilled in them (or tried too) have their own sense of self. It's kind of setting yourself up for failure, greenolivetree is expecting Dana to act like her kids (the ones she probably brought up to call before showing up), act a certain way to adults at all times -- otoh, you have Dana who it sounds like, was brought up in a "freer" (lack of a better word at the moment) environment, who related to parents and adults in a different (not bad or worse) manner ----- but to greenolivetree, who is not used to adult children acting this way, it is disrespectful ---- DH is "torn", probably b/c he really doesn't see anything wrong (he brought the kid up) but doesn't know how to deal with Wife's feelings.

IMHO, of course. Without much to go on.

To me it seems what OP is upset about is the pouting her ss did in this situation. I know when my own child pouts it can bring a mood down, so I see some of her frustration.

As for people dropping in unannounced, I am not so comfortable with that either. I like a little notice so I can make sure the house is straightened up (with 4 kids and a dog it may not always be guest ready). I do clean each day and my kids all do chores, but when company is coming over I will mop the floor right before, run the vaccuum again, make sure I have enough dinner to prepare in case they stay late, etc. I like to be a good host.

I have a key to my dads house, but I never go there unannounced and let myself in. I always call first. I have never been told I have to call first, I just do it out of repect.

If it was just that SS "looked miserable", that's pretty fuzzy territory. It gets to be a very dangerous slippery slope when such a thing is grounds for a complaint. After all, people have emotions all the time, about all sorts of things (perhaps SS was "miserable" about something which had absolutely *zip, zilch zero* to do with OP!)... and who on this earth would say that family members shouldn't be allowed ---or should be reprimanded for--- simply having a feeling, or a facial expression that isn't perfectly sunny 100% of the time?

That said, there is a difference between 'acting glum' and outright rudeness. If SS were to have said something nasty to SM, insulting her or something, or of course, physical harm to person or property: *very different story*. One which SM would have every right to respond to SS with: "You know, that really hurts my feelings and I find it disrespectful. Can you express yourself or make your point in a more civil way, please, so we can discuss it?" [Note, again, that SM might be better off expressing her hurt/upset/taken-aback feelings directly to SS.]

I agree with imamommy. There is no way of knowing why this guy was rude on thie particular visit. Perhaps he has some things going on in his life that are causing him to feel less than peppy.

I think kids should call as a courtesy, but they certainly should feel welcome to come when they wish. I have keys to all of my grown kids homes, and they have keys to ours, but we have all made a practice of picking up the phone and saying we are going to stop by. Its easy in this day of cell phones. Its not the kind of thing that I would be upset about if someone didnt phone though.

Complaining about his behaviour in this instance isnt likely to do much except excaberate bad feelings. I dont know of any instance, when someone is moody, that giving them sh*t about being moody has done anything other than create bad feelings. Parenting, whether its grown kids, stepkids, or just regular bio kids, involves a lot of letting things go. In this case, the kid doesnt even live there, and isnt there very often. Its not worth getting bothered or causing an issue over.

coleen, yes we all have each others keys in case of emergency. we keep each others keys in case somehting happens.

"If you want to take a more 'strategic', circuitous approach (as opposed to direct, honest dialogue), you might just try and orchestrate a 'tableau vivant' or a 'primal scene' when you think the kid will be 'popping in'. If ya get my meaning...

Should effectively scar the kid for life and most assuredly grant you a courtesy call in the future...
"

LOL!! That's what happened to us my DS stopped by after work and just "Hey Mom!-and walked right into our br during ahem..." Yea a little traumatized. That's how we came up with the term "playing checkers" lol. Cause he said "OMG-What are you doing!!" after he slammed the door shut. My reply "We're playing checkers, what do you think we're doing?!" (he was 20 at the time) lol.

My DS said he'll never be able to look at a checkerboard again. That's what ya get when you show up unannounced or open the door without knocking..That kid never did it again, maybe we need to have that happen with the rest of them.

As far as your SS sullen mood the other day the more I think about it I'd just let it go and if it happens again just ask your SS what's the matter and if it's the call first thing just gently explain, "Well dear it's only because your father and I have such passion for eachother, we wouldn't want you to walk in at a embarassing moment."

Maybe he was just in a bad mood, I swear I think men are far moodier than women-anyday!

I thought I added in my other post about pouting that you should probably let it go unless his pouting included rude words to you. (As I reread my post I noticed that I thought it but did not type it!)

Anyways, if he just looked miserable I understand how that can bring your mood down, but I don't see it being productive to get on him about looking miserable.

With my own child if he is pouting or looking miserable because he did not get his way I just pretend not to notice (even though it does bother me). After a little while he gets tired of acting miserable!

Serenity,

The 'kid' is 23 years old and I also think it's a little odd to say they will treat them as 'belonging to us' as they were practically grown. OP and Dana are both adults. If they are trying to treat each other's children as 'their own', then it would make sense for OP to talk to Dana, grown up to grown up. It would make sense for OP to talk to her husband and see if he knows what the problem is, but it's not off base for her to talk to Dana directly, especially if DH doesn't know what's wrong. If he has an attitude with her, then it's more important for her to talk to him. If he just has an attitude (with everyone) then maybe dad should talk to him. But, why put dad in the middle of mediating a problem between a grown son and a grown wife. If they are adults, they can discuss it like adults.

Yes, Ima, I absolutely agree with you.

UGH! The to call or not to call topic again. I LOATHE this. It depends on the people involved here ladies. Some folks might require a heads up before adult children "pop in" some don't. It doesn't make them a less or more caring parent. Besides, what is the big deal? If the man has been told to call why can't he just call? Is he not an adult? Does he not respect his parents? His father agreed to this rule after all.

I will tell you I always call my mom ahead of time. She appreciates a heads up...deffinatly if I plan on staying over night. Does that mean my mother doesn't love me? Hardly. She needs to know how much food to cook, not to go any where, not to make any plans, exc.

I think it is REALLY important to give a heads up if you have two small children you'll be lugging along with you. There are times that my mom and dad can't handle the kids running around all over the place. Do I get offended? Do I tell them they are horrible parents and horrible step grandparents. No. Why? Because they are DONE RAISING THEIR CHILDREN!! If they would rather relax around the house one sunday than cater to us, I DO NOT BLAME THEM. My parents are getting older. My dad works a very physical job in the hot sun every day. If he wants to watch T.V. in peace by god he's earned it.

I would want a heads up too. I am not big on unexpected company, friends or relatives. I have a pretty planned out week between my grueling state job, keeping a house of 4 AND being two and half months pregnant. I'm exhausted. If my sister called right now and asked to come over I'd tell her not tonight.

"when company is coming over I will mop the floor right before, run the vaccuum again"

I don't consider my kids company. If they were bringing friends with them, then I would like to know in advance.

I'ld still like to know the answer to wether the 18 year old can drop in. I am not certin if OP pushed dad into this no drop in rule -- and how it really works. As OP said, dad wants to avoid conflict.

"so I have asked that the kids ALL call before just coming over and ask before just dropping in."

Excuse me cadillac tears that would mean Olive has asked ALL the kids, biochildren and stepchildren.

What I find fascinating is how weak and easily manipulated you perceive men to be.

kkny, hopefully 18 years old kids still live at home. Not too many 18 years old are done with education already. Even if they live on their college location, their permanent address is still their parents' address.

DD does not per se lives at home, she lives on her college location (not on campus but renting a house with 7 people) but my address is also her permanent address. So my home is her home. Her dad's house is not her address but it is her home as well, she has her room at dads and can be there any time she wants. She of course cannot just pop in in either houses just because it is very far away and we would have heart attack if she just shows up at the door. But she certainly does not need a a permission. MY SO's younger DD who lives on campus has her permanent address at dads. That's her house. She does not need a permission. She calls though because she is 3 hours away and obviously would scare everyone by just showing up.

I also do not consider my child a company. Same as TOS, if she brings friends over i would like to know because I might not want to walk around in a bathrobe. If i come to my parents house alone I am not a compnay. But if I bring my SO, I have to tell my mom because she would be embarassed to be in her bathrobe or pajamas.

I'll admit it --

There is a firm double-standard in place in my home: My children and my mother can walk in anytime unannounced. (My mother never would come by unexpected, but she'll open the door and say "Hi!" rather than knock and wait.)

My husband's adult kids should knock and wait. They are always welcome, call-ahead or not. But they should knock and wait.

Double standard? Yes -- But then, my comfort level is an emotional thing, not a purely rational and 'fair' thing. And besides - if they don't treat me exactly like 'Mom', why is it reasonable to expect me to treat them exactly the same as my kids?

Sweeby, just curious -- but if your husband had a problem with your children walking in -- would you ask them to knock and wait?

A 'double-standard' on a relatively minor issue like 'knock first' is fine as long as it's recognized that it can go in any direction and that anyone can have one about any other roughly equivalent thing. If you're not upset when others have their little 'double-standards', then within reason people should be permitted to have them here-and-there. Acknowledging out loud and with a bit of humor that these exist probably helps a lot in diffusing any bad feelings about it. Everyone has *some* natural biases, and as long as they stay within certain bounds and others are granted their own, that's just life and should be accepted as such.

The bottom line is that it's about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It doesn't matter who imposed the rule or who pushed for it. The point is that the house belongs to the people living in it and if one has a problem with 'drop in' visits and would like a call, then they should call.

I usually call my parents if I'm coming over, even if I'm halfway there. It's a matter of respect. They may be busy or entertaining others and not expecting me to just show up. They may be tired and want to take a nap. They have their own life and while they would probably never tell me not to come over, they at least deserve common courtesy to know I'm gonna come by. If they don't care and tell me to drop in anytime without calling (as some parents feel), then it isn't an issue whether I call or not. I still would call because it's the way I am.

Lol catlettuce i laughed so hard at your post. Your DS walked in while you guys were playing checkers..hehehehehe.
Reminds me very clearly one day it happened to me! I was home early from school and walked in on my SM and dad...well needless to say they put a lock on their door and i moved out shortly after that. Yeah it was shocking and funny and OMG! Just something i didn't want to know...lol.
In the end, there are rules. Some rules wont fit everyone but that is just too bad. This woman had rules and if her SS pouted then its too bad. dont see a big deal about it. But hey, it bothers her cause it bothers her husband. She has to find a middle ground or stick to her boundaries and you just can't please everyone. There are things that get my husband upset but hey, he's an adult too and he will just have to deal with htings just like i do.
I think greenolive you shouldn't let it bother you so much. You set the boundary. Its not unreasonalbe. It just bothers people. Not everyone will agree. Just speak to your husband and find out waht is upsetting him. Cause he is the one living with you. Not your SS. He's an adult and he has to give respect to another adult regardless . and this includes his father as well. He must respect your boundaries as a human being. Its simple. There is nothing difficult in this situation..i see alot of guilt and that emotion is where things get sticky. You have to decide whether to let it bother you and your husband has to decide whether to pout over something that is really not such a big deal.

When I was younger (I'm 29 years old now) I think I had a sense of entitlement to walk into my parents' homes because after all, I grew up there and had my own room, and my SM came later (with her million knick-knacks, but I digress)...

When you grow up more and experience marriage and/or living together with your significant other things like this change. For example if my BM or SM made a snide comment on my decor when I was in college, I would laugh. Now I would absolutely fume - I live in my own place and I decide what goes. I would no sooner stroll into my Dad and SM's house without asking them if it was a good time to visit than I would expect to see them stroll into mine! This is not even necessarily about step-relationships; it is about boundaries as an adult and having an adult and mutually respectful relationship with your parents.

With 7 people in the house I am grateful that MIL calls when she is on her way .... she calls and says I will be over in about 5 minutes just calling to see if you are home .... we all start running around like banshees putting away shoes coats and whatevers quick vacuum of the rug shove all the dirty dishes in the dishwasher hide the pans in the oven .... just running a brush through my hair washing the kids faces ....

Get the house and kids and myself respectable before people walk in the door ... as far as the kids I could care less who comes and goes if they don't like how the living room looks they should clean it .... Only 1 doesn't live home and she doesn't knock just walks in ... and she has never lived here.

And same goes if their friends come over NO FRIENDS IN YOUR ROOMS UNLESS THEY ARE "CLEAN". So as their friends are sitting on the couch they spend 5 minutes cleaning their rooms before company can enter.

My mother used to say .... I never had any company come over until I decided to dump all the laundry on the floor and sort it out to wash. She would put the laundry on the floor and we would all try and guess who was going to show up .... unexpectedly!!

Greenolivetree,
It is your house and your rules. A call before a visit is a small thing to ask. If Mr Dana chooses to get his man panties in a bunch then that is his problem. But he has no right to be downright disrespectful to you in your own home.
It sounds like DH needs to grow Some yoyo's and stand up to his overgrown pouter. TOS and KKNY, You are entitled to whatever policy you like in your own home. In this case the Invading, door barging insufferable brat policy. My sister-in law regrets this one highly.

"as far as the kids I could care less who comes and goes if they don't like how the living room looks they should clean it."

I completely agree.

Sometimes , things that we wouldnt even blink twice about with our own kids, become major irritants with stepkids.

Most stepparents, whether they will admit it or not, are occasionaly guilty of the double standard, regarding their kids and their partners kids. Those of us who accept that the inclination and tendency exists to view the same action differently depending upon whether our birth kids, or our stepkids do it, are better able to guard against reacting to it, and thus have less tension over the little things. OCcasional lapses arent going to destroy things, but a lifestyle of different standards certainly will.

About a month ago, husband and I were out shopping and came home to find one of my birth sons and his gf in our hot tub, eating bbq steaks that we had taken out for dinner ourselves . I could tell it bothered my hubby although he didnt say anything. Later, after the kids left, I asked him why he was bothered. My husband was wise enough to admit that it bugged him that my son and his gf just showed up, ate our food, and made themselves at home without us there....but he was also wise enough to realize that he knew it was his problem, it wasnt a big deal, and that he fully admitted that if it were HIS kids that did it, it wouldnt bother him at all.

Even though both hubby and I dont sweat the small th ings, and even though we both try as much as we can to treat the others children like our own, and even though it doesnt really bother either of us if the kids come home anytime without letting us know, there are still times when one of the kids trigger a response that is probably just human nature, since they arent our birth kids. ITs not what they do, its how we react, or choose not to react to it, that counts.

Haha, about eating your food...
Years ago, my middle stepsister got divorced and moved back in with her mom and my dad. I was 19 at the time and still living at home, but bought all my own groceries because my SM didn't want to (long story, I don't hold it against her)
Well, this was when I still ate meat, so I had bought a big pack of chicken breasts and put them in the fridge while I went to work, so I could split them into individual packages afterward for freezing.

When I got home from work, my stepsister had about a dozen friends over for a dinner party, and had served them my big package of chicken breasts, my salad, my bread, and my vegetables, and to top it off, had gone into my room and taken two bottles of my wine. I was pretty ticked, but politely asked her to please replace my groceries... Her reply? "It's my mom's house and I can eat what I want"
(This is the stepsister I think is a dreadful b!tch... Anyone wonder why?)

Kathline, I couldnt agree with you more. In most situations, people treat their biological children better. Maybe only a little, and Stepparents may craft rules that apply to all, but for whatever reason (age, sex, temperment) work very well for their own children, but not the steps. I am not certain stepparents even realize what is going on.

Ceph, I am sorry about your experiences.

LOL, thanks KK.
It's just one of those semi-funny "why my stepsister is awful" stories now... But at the time I was ready to punch her in the nose!

kkny, to a certain extent I agree with you. I cringe every time I see someone on here criticizing the other parents reasoning or state what they think the other parent thinks in no uncertain terms when they weren't even the one in the relationship with them.

But that goes in any situation, not just for SP's but for bios and children as well.

For all of you who have an open door policy, does this open door policy extend to your in-laws, and ex-in-laws who want to see the kids, etc?