husband suddenly into "swinging"

9 years ago

My husband and I have been married for 10 years now, we have two kids. He's 37 and I'm 39. About a month ago he started opening up to me about the idea of swinging and wanting to watch me make love to another guy. I'm not so sure what to think on this, but I know not to judge him or make him feel bad about his fantasy. I'm kind of confused over why he suddenly takes interest in this sort of thing. I've asked him why, and he says he thinks he might help to strengthen our marriage and help to bring us closer together. Not that we are having difficulties but it can always help. I told him I am not going to have sex with a stranger, hubby says its ok ..I don't have to, if I'm not comfortable with the idea.. he's not pushy about it, which Im very relieved. But yet he wants us to go to these sex clubs and swinger parties.

I asked my other girl friends about it and they've asked me is it possible he is having an affair and just trying to "appease" his guilt and make himself feel better by trying to get me to do this act? As far as I know, he is not having any affairs. I just don't know what to think about all this, as I feel a little blind sided.

Featured Answer

Charity Stone

9 years ago

Another thing to bring up with boundaries is protection. The biggest topic Ive seen is whether or not to ride bareback, or are you protected from getting pregnant.?

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Comments (15)

Suzieque
9 years ago
Well, of course my response is going to be influenced by my own opinion of "swinging", so know that ahead of time. I can't imagine a person getting turned on by watching the person he/she loves having sex with someone else. What in the world is sexy about that (rhetorical question). And there is no way that I'd want to watch my husband being intimate with some other woman. Seriously?

Ok, so you've got my opinion - ha! In your case, if you're not comfortable with it, don't do it! I'm glad that your husband isn't being pushy about it. My concern, though, would be that, since he's having this wish, it won't go away. I'm not a psychologist but I'd be afraid that he'd always look at it as a strong desire that's unfulfilled. A mature, stable person would put that away and either just fantasize during intimate times with you or squelch it if possible.

As far as your friends' thoughts that maybe he's having an affair, I don't think so. In my experience (with my friends), the person having an affair accuses the spouse of having an affair. I think that either 1) your husband wants other partners so is suggesting swinging to satisfy that craving or 2) your husband truly wants the swinging lifestyle and wants to share you with other men.

My advice? "To thine own self be true". Good luck.
Jody F. thanked Suzieque
Charity Stone
9 years ago
my husband and I did the whole "swinging" adventure. It started as just talking about it during sex... it seemed to turn us both on. so we eventually started searching for more info on it... meeting spots, websites.. neither one of us was cheating or anything, he just knew I liked women too. we were very open and honest about everything. it didn't bother me, and I got the thrill of other women wanting him, and the fact he went home to me. so, all in all.. it does come down to how you feel about it. In my opinion its usually the woman who seeks to be with other women, or perhaps the all mighty fantasy for your husband as to have 2 women at the same time. one thing I do know, if you do decide to go down this path. PLEASE you have to set boundaries. Sit down with your husband and discuss EVERY Detail... I don't like saying rules.. so I'll say boundaries. are you playing alone, are you able to go off with another couple, are you able to go on dates, overnights... etc!!! There is ALOT to discuss. Hope this helps.
Jody F. thanked Charity Stone
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Suzieque
9 years ago
Charity, very interesting, and I certainly agree that setting boundaries is critical. A question, and please trust that this is NOT intended to be judgmental nor am I trying to make a point. But - your other post is about your five year affair, while married, with a married man and how unhappy you are with your husband. Do you think that the swinging contributed to any of this? Or did you engage in swinging because you weren't happy? How does your boyfriend feel about swinging?

I'm being honest when I say I'm simply curious, as this is so foreign to me.
Jody F. thanked Suzieque
Charity Stone
9 years ago
The swinging began when we were happy I don't believe swinging had anything to do with it but I cannot be sure. I was addicted to the attention. We were in the lifestyle for about 1 year, which was I think 3 yrs into our marriage. A few years later is when I had fallen out of love with husband. My boyfriend now does not fancy the lifestyle. He says that he would never share or treat me that way.
Jody F. thanked Charity Stone
susanzone5 (NY)
9 years ago
My opinion? He's looking for something to spice up your sex life and made a suggestion from his fantasies. Do something to make your sex life different and fun, something you BOTH want to do for each other.

I don't know how anyone can go have random sex these days with so much disease out there, some of which is no longer curable with antibiotics.
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Terrence Howell Home Staging and Art
9 years ago
I'm divorced, for 22yrs been out in shark infested waters, which is the dating scene. I totally believe this is the quickest way to destroy your marriage. I certainly wouldn't like to watch some scumbag banging my wife or girlfriend. This guy is selfish and has no respect for you as his wife. What about STD's???
Jody F. thanked Terrence Howell Home Staging and Art
happyplans
9 years ago
You can't: you have kids. This is a phase. Keep it fun and funny! Plan a vacation. He is looking for an escape.. remain his BF but don't get into this. If you are both into open marriage and loving more, different and respectful. Be careful. This is not a fantasy that looks like reality... I have friends and the main difference is they are both like this and have always been! Stay focused on your kids. They will be grown in a blink!
Jody F. thanked happyplans
kittymoonbeam
8 years ago
Nobody stays married for long who starts this as I understand it.
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Joseph Corlett, LLC
4 years ago
"About a month ago he started opening up to me about the idea of swinging and wanting to watch me make love to another guy."

He wants to be a cuckhold.
Olivia Morris
3 years ago
You don't have to do what you don't want to
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Joseph Corlett, LLC
3 years ago
Unless you are self-employed.
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Joseph Corlett, LLC
3 years ago
So how much does Dr. Mika charge for a spell please? I'll take one; it sounds like a sure thing.
lexie lee
10 months ago
Your non-judgmental attitude is very precious! First, have a deep chat with him about the real needs behind your fantasies (rather than whether they are carried out or not), and be honest about your unease and the boundaries of intimacy in unfamiliar scenes. A solid marriage depends on mutual comfort. There's no need to force yourself to please
Suzieque
10 months ago
This post was started 8 years ago. I wonder if they're still married!

husband suddenly into "swinging"

Charity Stone

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