Wow---No matter the perspective that a person brings to this board, I can't imagine anyone here not feeling the "punch" that this packs.

First, you and your husband definitely need to get the counseling you have discussed. There will be alot that the two of you need to navigate with this one.

I'm not even going to touch the *what kind of woman the BM must be* part of this----I think that goes without saying....

There is a lot to dig through with all of this, and my knee jerk reaction was to post something with a tone of comiseration......the blindsiding, the career on hold, the troubled children....it's all SO much.

However, after sitting here for a few minutes thinking....how? why? what now? for this couple, it occured to me: There are moments in our lives that give us the opportunity to truly reveal ourselves....I think this could be one of those. There must be a reason that these two young souls were (literally) thrust into your lives. There must be a reason that two incredible people who thought their lives would be full without children (know about this one, my best friend and her husband feel the same way) would now be in the position you are in.

I cannot imagine how upended you both feel right now, but given the reality of the situation, I think this might be a way to look at it.

Jeez----this one will keep me up tonight....I will be thinking of you.

Keep posting.

This is crazy...I'm not sure what I would do either. Everyone will say the right thing to do is be there for the children.Yet,they dont even know their dad,and he didnt even know they existed!
I would also draw the line at being punched in the mouth by some kid. I have two words for you: Military school.

Whats the legal situation, do you now have legal custody of these children ?

I think yo have done well so far, giving up your job and staying at home to look after them. Thats what they need, some stability in their lives.

But it seems unfair on you, perhaps you should work and their father stay at home.

Do you think the father is giving you enough help in looking after them ?

Its really a tough situation, and you really need some counselling yourself to help come to some closure about what you are doing and whether it is right for you.

I do know one thing, once you decide to give it all you've got, you will make a huge difference to their lives, and they will learn to love you.

All the best to you.

P

I think I might try a different therapist if I were you. I don't understand why they would say there is nothing to be done but hope for the best. Good luck to you, I can't imagine how I'd feel if I were in your shoes.

What a horribly unfair situation to be in, and how tragic for those poor children. To hear for years that their dad's a deadbeat, and them suddenly get 'dumped' on his doorstep when he didn't even know they existed?

I'm also going to suggest that you return to work. Why? Well, your career is an important part of your identity. It nourishes your 'self', and you're going to need that part of you to be strong and intact to help mother these challenging children. Not to mention that if things don't improve, you'll need it to support yourself. And therapy costs money, so two incomes will also help. Do it before you get 'stale' in your skills and lose your contacts in your field. A short break under the circumstances was a responsible thing to do, but a long break could permanently damage the career you worked so hard to build.

I'm thinking also that spending some afternoons in a good after-school care program wouldn't be a bad thing at all for the kids. As stressful as it is for you to play 'stay at home Mommy', it's probably just as stressful for them. A good afterschool program means there will be a bit less time for all of you together, which may help ease the transition.

Now would be a very appropriate time for 'suddenly Dad' to put his career on 'simmer' for a year or two and spend more time being a Dad. Not abandon his career, but to tell his employers the situation and explain that for the next year or two, he won't be able to take extended business trips, work 80-hour weeks, or relocate on a whim. That he'll need to leave the office at a normal hour, perhaps work from home, and have the flexibility in his schedule to take these troubled kids to therapy and attend their school plays. These children are his, no matter what.

Above all, know that what you are doing is so important. And I hope things get better for you soon.

Popi, to answer your questions.. We did consider my husband quitting his job, instead of me. He makes more money than I did, and with two new mouths to feed, we need all the extra money we can get. My husband has also been very good to me durring this time. He has explained to his employer our situation, and has been able to come home earlier than before. He used to work weekends, and now does not. He gives me a break when he comes home. We have a temprorary custody order now. We go to court in May to hopefully get full custody. These kids cannot go back to their BM. As much as I may not be happy about this situation, I could not live with myself knowing they were with her.

One of the hardest things is that we have no idea what we are doing. I assume it's no easy task to raise a child at all, but these kids are strangers. And we are strangers to them.

I have decided to switch their therapist. My husband and I are going to start going to marriage counseling, and we are all going to go to group therapy. I don't know if it is over kill, but I don't know what else to do.

Thanks again for all your kind words and advice.

I think it is marvelous that you are changing your whole lives for these kids. They need the help. My youngest son is 21 in college, soon to move out of our home. So 3 1/2 years ago, we were looking forward to "empty nest" syndrome so we could travel, etc. Then DH's ex "dumped" DGS on us with eight hours warning. I couldn't help but say yes, like you. He was diagnosed as autistic before he came, isn't, but had EXTREME emotional/behavior issues.

It hasn't been easy, but things are finally getting better, except when it comes to reading which he still fights a lot. He is nearly 13, in 6th grade, and has a grade 2-3 reading level when he is in a good mood. At least he hasn't thrown any books or desks or hit anyone or wet the bed in about a year and he eats mostly what we do instead of just hot dogs and pizza. With lots of counseling, he has done fantastic, but as I said it definitely hasn't been easy. Last year after Christmas and seeing his mom and grandma, he had an emotional meltdown that lasted 6-8 months. It was emotionally so stressful for me. He's been good since last Aug-Sept.

jmd7979-You're doing the right thing, but it will be difficult. Most step-parents realize that there is always a possibility that they may gain custody of their partners children, or they already have custody of them, giving them the opportunity to make a logical decision to either move forward with a relationship, or move on.
With your situation, neither of you could have even guessed that this would happen. You've been dealt a difficult hand, and no one could blame you if you decided it just wasn't for you. I applaud you for giving this your all, and for taking on this responsibility that has been thrown at you. It sounds like your husband is also a wonderful man, who is supportive and helpful. All you can do is your best, and realize that if you do decide that you can't do it, that it's OK. No one can fault you for how you feel.
Going to marriage counseling, and to group/family counseling is the best next step.
A word of hope for you: The children are 7 from what you said above. If you and your husband work hard, and work together, you CAN help these children, and re-condition them. Yes, damage has been done, but please understand that you can re-parent these children. It is NOT hopeless.
My stepson came to us fulltime when he was 11. He was a total mess. He was jacked up on all kinds of psychiatric drugs, and diagnosed as BiPolar, ADHD, ODD, and dyslexic, with a steady decline in his schoolwork, and close to failing grades. Fast forward 3 yrs, and a BRILLIANT Psychologist, and he is off all meds, on the honor roll, and able to maintain a happy, healthy life. It wasn't easy, but it did work. Try to maintain your calm, don't take what they say/do personally, and work with a psychologist who understands re-parenting, and re-conditioning. Please keep posting, you will find it therapeutic at the very least!
All my best,
JesseGirl

It helps to know there are others who are in the same situation. My husband had a vasectomy because we were sooo sure we did not want kids. We get his 2 children every other weekend which is ok. BUT, several months ago a woman brought us a 13 year old child, as in your case, turns out this child was my husbands, BUT still a stranger!! We have since sought out aunts, uncles, & grandparents on the BM side. We need them for 2 reasons: he needs to keep a relationship with them and the number 1 reason for me: to take him every chance they can. This gives my husband and I the time alone we desperately need during this stressful adjustment period.My advice would be to involve the other family as much as possible, they probably don't agree with the BM's decision either and want to maintain contact with their young relatives. Praying blessings on you!

What is up with these women who can't be bothered to even tell a man that she is pregnant with his child/children and then years later will just dump them on his doorstep? Don't they care at all about their children and their children's welfare? That is so awful!

What's terrible is that they have them to begin with. It's obvious they dont want them,or they wouldnt dump them off so easy. So why be irresponsible and have them to begin with? Nothing is sadder then children who arent wanted or loved by their mother.

Okay, that's all fine and well, but what's up with these men? These women didn't produce children all by themselves. Not that I'm excusing them, but it does take two.

If a man is dating somebody and then he stops dating them and then the man finds out 7 or 13 years later that he has a child, how in the world could he step-up to the plate to take care of children he isn't even aware of?

It may take two to tango,but it only takes one to lie and deceive.

...and if you're out having unprotected sex, you shouldn't be surprised if you get that phone call or visit some day. The problem isn't the children. The problem is the behavior that causes children.

Frankly, these situations can be prevented.

of course the problem isnt the children.They didnt ask to be born into these messed up situations.
My point was that if these women dont want the kids they are dropping off,then why dont they take more precautions.

If these men don't want to be surprised some years down the line, then they should take more precautions as well. In addition, in many cases with a little effort they could make sure that their former girlfriends are not pregnant - it is usually pretty obvious within 6 months or so.

Doesnt seem like the men are the ones complaining though.They are stepping up to the plate to raise the kids the mom didnt want to.It's the mom who is choosing to dump them on a man she hasnt seen in years that the kids dont even know.
So,why have them at all? That's all I'm asking. If I knew I didnt want the responsiblity of taking care of kids,I would make sure I did not get pregnant.
Further,after having my daughter,and the bond and love I feel for her,I could NEVER imagine just dumping her with some guy I was with when she doesnt know him at all.

Condoms fail, women lie, young men lust, young girls don't make the best decisions. Un-wanted children are born every minute...these are facts. So in our situation, an unwanting mother brought her unwanted teen to an unknowing, unwanting man(father)and woman. So terribly sad. Who hurts..I believe this young person does, I'm certain we do, and I pray his mother does so she doesn't make this mistake again, yes mistake..and yes, my husband has learned a huge lesson..see line one. We have not only stepped up to the plate...We're batting like heck at all the crazy pitches!