I think it's all depending on whether that male friend found the woman to be attractive or not. Also, it's depending on the level of their closeness & mental intimacy. If a man found a woman who's his soul mate on email exchange, and irl she's physical/sexually attractive, it's probably difficult for him to not falling for her (whether he wants it or not). I have a lot of male friends, but they aren't my soul mates and I'm not attracted to them. I'm there to help then anytime they need me, we are very good friends since we were 18 (met in college) but because we don't have physical attraction for each other, nothing ever happened. They are all married w/ kids. However, I'm very cautious a/b entering a level where a male friend became my soul mate . If I found a man who is my soul mate (understand me, sharing my common passions, etc.) and we are both physically attracted to each other, then it would be tough to keep my marriage intact. I do not want to be tempted, you know, so I don't even go there. Yes, I can be friends, but I don't let any man enter the inner sanctum of my heart :-). Once (before DH) I knew this man from the internet who was my soulmate in every way. We often compared ourselves to Sabine & Griffith who live on parallel universe. Well, we met irl & while he was very physical attracted to me, I am not attracted to him. He ended up being hurt by my refusal & that broke our friendship. If I was remotely attracted to him, we are probably married now. :-) A lot of marital affairs started out as friendship, you know. :-)

Oh wow! Now that *does* sound like it was a good day! That's fantastic Judith. Now go forth and empower thyself! But just one thing - if he is enjoying his job, I do hope you can work out a situation that will be mutually satisfying whereby he can *still* enjoy his job. Upon re-reading your other posts, I realized that your DH has a consultant's job or a consultant-like job. I'm so sorry, my dear, but work-fixation, being on-call and frequently being away *is* the life of a consultant. You still do NOT need to be running interference for him with his kids or stalled out/in a holding pattern until "the time is right" (euphemism for: I'll do it later which is a euphemism for: never). You've already articulated well that your personal development needs to factor in as well - obviously since your own personal goals are not being realized and that is making you chafe. But I do so hope you can manage something where he doesn't have to give up what he likes about his new job. Say, a question for you: Does his job lie in New York and does he only return to Boston for the family or does his job extend here too? If it is the former, would you consider moving to New York? It may be easier all told - for both of you. Your children are not so old that it would be difficult to move not to mention, there is something quite culturally and intellectually enriching and exciting to move to a different city, state, country ... I also liked what geogirl wrote - not just in evaluation of your scenario, Judith, but it was eye-opening for me too. Perhaps it will seem less contentious if one realizes that it is not just good advice for a marriage, but good for any relationship at all. Work relationships, friendships, as well as marriage often respond similarly to the same actuation ... no surprise there since the same people are involved, only the pairings are different. Matter of fact, geogirl's advice made a few things click for me regarding a great friendship I had once had that soured - and soured spectacularly and rapidly. Interestingly, there are shades of the same issues that Judith summarized about the path of her life with her husband that are common to me with this friend of mine. (Aside: this was a perfectly platonic friendship, no hanky-panky to cloud issues or muddy waters). We were probably both to blame that our friendship became quite cancerous (well, almost certainly, although I like to think that I was a really good friend to him and he - well, not so much) but the bottom line is that it was wrong for me to simply assume that because I'd tolerated my friend's moody, temperamental, cross-patch phase when he was going through a tough time, that at a much later point in time, when he was back on even-keel and when life-things became burdensome for me that it was alright for me not to bother to hold my own temper and irritability in check with him. And I can be quite temperamental and very quick to temper. So it isn't exactly what geogirl was talking about but metaphorically and euphemistically - I did see a parallel and it was quite clarifying for me. In the meanwhile, good for you, Judith. Good for you for taking some time for yourself. You need to put some vim and vigor back in your life! Glad you went to the gym. I'm heading out for a run myself. Say, I'm right in the Boston area myself. Maybe I'll be running past your place! :-)

Hi - new member here, and I enjoyed reading this thread. I've never been married, no kids, and got out of my last relationship 2 years ago. At times I feel like there's something wrong with me for not dating, and sometimes I do get lonely. But this thread helped me remember all the things I do like about being single and living alone! So here's my list of favorites: - I don't have to listen to Howard Stern in the morning anymore. - I can rent silly movies without having to listen to comments about it being "gay". - I can listen to anything on the radio, whether it's classical or jazz or country - I have hot pink accents in my bathroom, which never would've gone over with the ex-bf. - I eat a lot better because I don't have to work around his picky diet (ex-bf wouldn't eat a lot of the things I like) - I can stretch out in the bed, and can sleep late without anyone making comments - I don't always shave my legs or other body parts anymore, unless I feel like it I think the key, though, is that if you have a really GOOD relationship, a lot of these things aren't an issue. For example, my next boyfriend will not be someone who would call everything "gay" or criticize me or veto all my decorating decisions. At least I hope not.

You said we did not read this carefully, so I went back and read it carefully. It doesn't make sense. '...He did not date her. He never took her out anywhere they met ata sports bar and she would come in on the nights the deputies were there. Yes he made a mistake BEFORE we were engaged and married. When she came back some time later to tell him she was pregnant he DID tell her then that we were then engaged it was a few months later. She told him then that she was going to get an abortion. She then fell off the earth. Then even later she contacts him to tell him she kept it. He told her he was getting married. She was furious but she did try to get him to spend time with her. He said no. We got married.' Then later you said: 'She admitted to me clearly that she had "hoped" that he would stay with her because she was pregnant. NOT. He told her from the minute he found out that it was not going to happen and they were both at fault.' To recap: they met two nights in a row in a sports bar and had sex. They never had a date. So logically, there was no expectation of affection, friendship, love, or commitment. She disappeared out of his life, he disappeared out of hers. She never saw him again (per your DH) until two or three months later she popped up and told him she was pregnant. He said he was engaged. She said she was getting an abortion. She disappears again out of his life and he out of hers. Again they apparently both agree that there is no expectation of friendship, love, or commitment. Their actions indicate that they both accept it was a one- or two-night stand that meant nothing, that the pregnancy was unfortunate but meant nothing to either of them, and that they each had their own lives and no interest in each other. And yet, you said: "She admitted to me clearly that she had "hoped" that he would stay with her because she was pregnant. NOT. He told her from the minute he found out that it was not going to happen and they were both at fault." If she hoped he would stay with her...(and stays means he never left her, as in he continued the relationship after the two one-night stands)...why would she tell him he was getting an abortion and then drop off the face of the earth. Why wouldn't she be 'furious' that she was told otherwise. But that's not what happened. She told him she was pregnant and getting an abortion, he told her he was engaged and wasn't going to marry her--and then she (according to the story you heard from your DH) dropped off the face of the earth. Then out of nowhere about six or seven months later, she calls him and says the baby was born and she kept it. He says that he is just about to get married and suddenly 'she is furious' and tries to get him to spend time with her. But she does not let him see the baby much and she does not want child support. This also does not make sense. Why would she suddenly be 'furious' on their 4th contact in abt 10 months? If she wasn't furious when he stopped picking her up in the bar (if he did stop), and she wasn't furious when she told him she was having a baby and he responded that he was engaged, why would she suddenly be 'furious' once the baby is born and she hears for a second time he's getting married? If she's going to be furious that he's getting married, why wasn't she furious the first time she heard it when she told him she was pregnant? If the girlfriend and your DH really didn't have any contact except two one-night stands, and a quick conversation about pregnancy and abortion, why would she suddenly be furious about him about to get married when she hadn't had any contact with him for six or seven months and there'd never been any understanding of love, friendship or commitment between them? Do you really believe that she just dreamed it up in her head without any input from him? As you describe it, they were two rather disinterested strangers in the night at the time of conception, spent a few minutes together around month three discussing the pregnancy, abortion and his engagement; and then after the baby was born she popped up and is furious that he's getting married? Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...this does not make sense. Why was she furious? Because she believed there was going to be a different outcome, because she felt betrayed. And she felt that way because he led her to believe that she meant something to him. However, the story makes sense another way. He was seeing her and you at the same time. He proposed to you but kept her on the side and kept his engagement a secret, but he keeps seeing. She comes up pregnant and tells him and expects to get married, move in together, or move the relationship to another level of commitment. He waffles and sooths her with some excuse or some promise to delay her expectations and she's satisfied and continues to gestate and they continue to see each other. There's no talk of abortion, that's a story your DH came up to explain to you why he didn't confess the pregnancy earlier and to hide his continued involvement with the girlfriend. Then after the baby is born she expects him to step up to the plate, or she finds out about you. In any case, your DH is cornered and lets her know he's going to marry you, not her. She becomes furious at this point because she realizes she's been betrayed and used. There's another red flag. Per your story, she's a welfare no-account who hangs around bars and sleeps with strangers without caring about a relationship or commitment. Easy come, easy go. So she spent two nights running with a sheriff's deputy and then never saw him again. No big deal. So she's pregnant. She'll just have an abortion. No matter. It's just a thing that happens when you hang around bars and pick up strange men and have sex with them and then don't intend to see them again. Although maybe it's something you can use to get a man to marry you. So she's a calculating floozy who picks up strange men in bars and sleeps with them without a commitment unless she gets pregnant, in which case she wants to marry them, even though per your story she's spent two nights and one additional conversaton with him, when he told her he was engaged--maybe a total of 24 hours? Yet that's enough for her to disappear out of his life for months and months while carrying his child, then pop up out of nowhere and suddenly be furious that he's not going to marry her and that she "hoped" he would because she was pregnant. How would she know he was marriage material, a nice person, someone she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. How would any affection have time to develope if they only spent two nights together and then had nothing to do with each other at all for the next nine or ten months? If that were the case, there'd be no 'hoping' he'd marry her, there'd be no fury when she realized he wasn't going to. Also--considering she's a dellusional promiscuous bar floozy--your DH never questioned this was his child. He seems pretty confident that the dna test is going to prove him the father. Confident enough to spend money on the mother and attempt a relationship with the child. If she were just a easy bar pick-up, he'd be wondering if it were his child or not, or why she thought it was his child. There must be other candidates for fatherhood. And he'd hold off on the getting involved in her life until he knew for sure. Except it looks like he already knows for sure. And he knows because they've had more of a relationship than he's letting on to you. She's not a dellusional promiscuous bar floozy, she's someone he knows pretty well and has known for a while...and maybe if he plays his cards right he can keeps this going. Get his wife involved in his girlfriend's life--appeal to everyone's noblest sentiments by making it all about what's BEST for the baby. Interesting that she didn't want child support or anything from him except to see him alone with her baby (their own little family). Child support would not have created ties that would complicate her moving. He would send it to FOC, they'd record it and forward it to any bank of her choosing anywhere in the world. And not accepting child support does not avoid complications of her moving her child away from him. Whether he pays child support or not, if he's the bio father, he has rights, one of which may be to prevent her from moving. So what's the real reason she didn't want child support? Maybe because he's providing more than state guidelines to her secretly? Or maybe because she's accepted that he's married and he two timed her and she just wants to get away and not have to think about him again. I don't know. I just think that someone who 'hoped' a man would stay with her because she was pregnant and who was furious when she realized he was marrying someone else, and who will only get him visit his daughter alone in her apartment when her son is gone--would also insist on support, because support officializes a ties she seems to want. I don't know the particulars, but I do believe that you have been mislead. The story doesn't make sense. I know yo have to defend him, have to believe what he's told you. It must have been very painful for you to know he cheated on you with her just before you became engaged. This can't be fun and you seem to be making the best of things and seem to be trying to be a good sport. I just fear that you are gullible and are likely to be hurt.