What did I say? Was I right or was I right? You, theotherside, are a bitter ex wife who raised your children to be bitter young adults who, when their father and stepmother did not bend to your rules you accuse them falsely. Do you even listen to your own prattle? What a Narcissistic, obdurate attitude you have. No wonder your children's father has had enough of them, or rather not them... it isn't them sweetheart, it is you they have had enough of. Every post I have read on this board you chime in with your bitter spitefulness and refuse to even consider the fact that YOU could have unduly swayed your children. Your childrens eagerness to placate you and conciliate to no avail seems to be the only reason you believe that you are right. In addition, sitting here, I realized what your ex and his wife are up against and I too throw up my hands in disgust over your attitude. And as time goes by and you continue to wallow in your own self-pity, you may come to the realization that you are the ruination of your family. As "doubts07" posted so eloquently on July 23, 07 "Âyou are so paranoid about gf/sm relationship with your ex...... what is up with that....obviously your parenting style is different from your exes... leave it at that and stop trying to blame every seemingly negative thing on her. It is not wrong to be polite and say thank you.....you're putting a negative twist on everything for no reason......i said thank you for everything i recieved from my bioparents because that's how i was raised.....to be polite" And in conclusion, as posted by "lafevem" on July 23 "I am no more qualified than anyone else to answer any of these questions, and have determined this is not the place for me. I came to the forum looking for help for my family and this has turned into s BM vs. SM forum and a debate about finances most of the time. I was looking for support and more and more of the responses seem to be bitter and negative. The responses are about putting a SM in her place and making sure, we realize we are nothing other than babysitters. I have enough of that in my daily life without getting more here. I have appreciated "getting to know" many posters-vista, cawfe, and angelz, to name a few, and wish you all the best." Therefore, I too will bid this forum adieu. Good day to you all.

I'm seeing two different issues 1) you resent your husband talking/suggesting aborting a child 2) you can't separate what he did 2 plus yrs ago compared to 8 yrs old. And now he wants a 2nd chance at what he 'blew off' 20 yrs ago. I actually suggest counseling to deal with your feelings of 8 yrs ago. You have to come to grips that one has little to do with the other. Of course, easier said than done. 20 yrs ago I'll assume your husband was young, stupid, selfish and irresponsible. A living breathing child of that era has contacted him and wants to see what his 'bio-dad' is all about. The son is not looking for a 'daddy', he's all grown up and he had a 'daddy' all those yrs who loved and cared for him (just not his bio-father). The idea of this son getting to know his bio-dad, perhaps spending a bit of time, should not threaten your husband's relationship with you and/or your kids. Why would the son interupt what your husband and you/kids have built for a family? It's two different things. Just as the son does not need a 'daddy' he does not need a 'mommy' either. You don't have to be stepmom of the year nor evil stepmom. You're the son's bio-father's new wife, really nothing more to this son. Why would you want to make the son feel like you must be the evil stepmom? If your husband for example decided to have dinner with the son: three things can happen 1) husband, you and son meet for dinner 2) you decide to stay home and allow the father/son time to discover each other 3) you toss a fit, insist your feelings are hurt and that this somehow endangers your current relationship with between husband and you. Why feel sorry about the 'daddy' who did raise and support the son? The gentleman does not need your pity. Obviously the guy raised the child into an adult out of love. The guy/son's relationship and bonds are totally different than whatever happens between the son and your husband. The son is curious of who the man who 'made' him is, what happened, why, blah blah. It's a natural curiousity. Who knows what will happen? Maybe the son will decide your husband is a jerk and want little more to do with him after a bit of getting to know him. Maybe son and bio-father will instead have an adult man to man relationship and grow to respect each other. They'll never know if you hold them back from trying. If you hold them back, both perhaps will always resent your 'issues' with the fact the son exist. You can't wave a magic wand and wish the son away. There should be no reason this son comes in and threatens whatever life your husband and you have built together over the last 8 yrs. One has little to do with the other. This is something between the son and your husband. A relationship may work out, it may not. Unless this son is stating he's moving in with you your life should pretty much go on as it is now. The only difference would be that now that life might occassionally include the presence of an adult son. Is there more to the son like perhaps drug/illegal issues that he may be bringing to the table? Has the son given any indication that he resents you/your kids? That he intends to come into your life and be mean and nasty rather than simply curious and wanting a chance to know who your family is? I'm not trying to downplay what happened 8 yrs ago nor your feelings over having/not having children, just saying that if your husband is dead serious about getting to know the now man he walked away from 20 some yrs ago and you really are having a hard time with it, perhaps some counseling to sort out what/how/why you feel may be benefical. It may also help your husband understand your feelings and hesitancy. That it's not about the actual living breathing person (the son) that it goes deeper for you.

MMM..i have my skids EOW and these are interesting questions. I also was a stepchild (but due to my mothers death and my father remarrying) So i've been on both fences.. My answers are as follows: As a stepmother, do you ever hold your stepchildren to a higher standard than you do your own children? I do not hold my stepkids higher in standard for the mere fact i did not give birth to them and do not and will never have that 'biomom' connection they have with their mom. My stepmom didnt put me above her kids and i will not put my skids above my child either. The key question here is whether i would put them beneath. The answer is : No. I respect them and care for them because they are my husbands flesh and blood and they are human and i've been where they have been. Being a stepchild doesnt mean you are selfcentered and selfish. That has to do with the raising done by their mother and father and the company they hold as people. I will not put them beneath my child but depending on the circumstance i believe its their fathers and mothers job to do certain things for them. like: 1. open a bank account save money for their school buy them clothes when needed etc..etc.. Do you expect your SKids to be self-sufficient and stand on their own the second they turn 18, yet have adult children who turn to you when they need support or comfort? I expect all of them to be selfsufficient and not be moochers! I will help all of them in the best way i can. I will take my sons care first and my husband can take his kids interests. I will only help if they are sincere and need the help. Same goes with my son...he must need the help with sincerity..i do not like being used by anyone..including my son or husband or anyone. Do you ever (be honest now) feel as if the stepchildren coming for a visit are "intruding" upon your happy life with you and your husband? No i dont feel they are intruding at all. I accept that they come over every second weekend to see their father. Its their right. Who am i to disagree or be unhappy for that. Unfortunately its my husband who feels they intrude! Yes ! shocker to me as well! i've noticed his behaviour is irate and just plain sour when they are over. He sees them as a reminder of his failed marriage. and what he lost materialistically. Do you ever take out your feelings of jealousy or anger over your husband's ex upon your stepchildren? I do not feel jealous of his ex. She's a piece of work and her undoing with her actions will be reflected in her kids. Unfortunate but the damage is already done. Anger...i used to feel angry at her but now i just feel its a waste of energy on my part and she doesnt' deserve the attention. Did i ever take my anger out on the kids? NO WAY ! Respect is the key. It is not right to take out your anger on any child. These kids have suffered enough because of the action of both their parents..they do not need my emotions to burden them. Do you ever wish your ex doesn't have anyone to remind him of his past life with another woman? No i wouldn't wish that. The accumulation of your past makes you the person you are today. We all make mistakes...we learn..hopefully:) Having kids from another marriage is just proof to me that they did love one another and that people changed..that's all. I guess my final question is, do you think that you do anything to contribute to the negative interactions you have with your stepchildren? Nope...because i give respect and demand it as well from anyone around me. If they dont give it to me, the door is open. Or i shut them out of my mind completely. Difficult to do but possible. I mind my business when it comes to my husbands issues with his daughter. I will give my opinion when asked but other than that...its between them and i want nothign to do with it! Lately i noticed an anger building in both skids. It has alot to do with them seeing what i do for my son...and what both their parents do not do for them. I cannot change that...i keep certain things discreet as best as i can so not to rub in salt into their open wounds but as i said before their parents are responsible. I cannot step in and take over. What i do for my child surpasses them because of my upbringing and culture. I save $ for my child , i keep him well clothed and happy. I always think of him. I also think of my skids but must keep it at bay to not insult biomom as well. Its out of respect. If she wishes to raise her children in a certain manner it is her right to do so and i will not interfere.

I think the posts in reply to your original post are insensitive and rude. I suspect that they are also young. And naive. In spite of that, maybe there is a little truth in what they write? I don't know. I think that you are free to have a relationship with who ever you want to have a relationship with and if you chose not to have a relationship with your DH's child, you only need treat him how you would want to be treated. I imagine you want to be treated in a civil manner. I have a gf who did not want a relationship with her SD or her SD's bm and made that clear to her husband. I wish I had payed more attention. I had a relationship with my DH's children and his ex (I got him to seek mediation when she violated the court order and took on his battle) and believe me, if I could rewind time, I wouldn't do it again. It was a thankless task. Neither he nor his kids remember all that I have done for them and when they treat me poorly, he protects them. So, no, not everyone loves their SKs. Some of us start out with the best of intentions and end up like me; some never bother; and some have great relations. Every situation is different and you have to live your own life and take care of you. I learned this the hard way. I see women give everything to their SKs and the SKs just run over them (another gf was shocked after years of battling with her DH because he wasn't kind enough to his kids, the SKs ripped HER off). Believe me, it isn't about blaming others. It's about accepting who we are, what we need, and finding ways to find the peace and serenity we all want. For the past 5 years, whenever my SKs are around, I am busy - sometimes intentionally, some times I really just am busy. I decided this last year that I won't spend another holiday with them until their father and them quit pretending I'm the problem and learn to behave in a way that is "normal." He is free to spend time with them and like divorced parents, he can have them one year, me the next. I don't need to make a pronouncement about this, I just told him that I want to focus on "us," not the "family," and that he is welcome to have a relationship with his kids and that I just don't want to do the same. After 20 years, I am done.