theotherside: his relationship with his daughter is at an all-time low. As for the ride issue, I feared that if taken out of context would appear to be a bad example. You have to understand ALL the things that BM has done (and not done) during the course of the marriage and raising their children to understand the situation. She never took care of the kids....always left the actual parenting things to him. When they divorced, she expected that to continue and it simply could not -- he was now a single Dad trying to make a living (to help support the kids because she was fired from her job....) AND take care of the kids. They lived nearby and SD would walk over, take food out of the frig and then go back to her mom's. If asked to hang out to eat the food, no....gotta get back to Mom's. Whenever he asked to spend time with her -- she had something going on with her mother and the answer was no. And I disagree 100% with your comment that if he doesn't want to set boundaries it is HIS business, not mine. His choosing to have a life with me means that I am also part of the equation and that I must be considered. Conversely, my life is not the same one I had before I married into this family....I have to do car pool, driving to friend's houses, food shopping, making dinner, etc. etc. so one cannot tell me I should do those things, but have no say or boundaries in my own home. I don't think men or my husband is stupid. My husband is a very smart man, but when it comes to emotional issues or sensitivities, he doesn't always catch on . . . dumb? no...but he was raised with different a different focus. Last summer when I was having a horrible time with my 19 y/o SD living with us and breaking every rule she could, my sister pulled me aside and said it is too late for you to save that girl -- the damage is done. When I said that I was angry that HE let her get this out of control without taking control over from her mother my sister reminded me that in most homes (hers included), it is usually the mother who imparts the values and manners and who tends mostly to the children....the men do their part, but it has a different focus (earning a living and taking care of his family that way). I understand this is a very traditional way of looking at it, but it is true in many cases! And, I'm hardly a "traditional" woman, I was a career woman with no kids at 40! Yet when I married my DH, I immediately began doing the caregiving, organizing of schedules, trying to do as much as I could so my SS could be a child and feel safe and secure in our home and so that my husband could focus on work). It's like a weird gene that I can't control! (also why I have meltdowns from time to time because my body (mood) tells me I can't do it all before I actually realize it!!)

I think it's funny that I'm one of the few who actually use her name, and it's my real name - not my middle name, not a nickname, but my name. I guess that isn't prudent, but I've been on a couple of boards where I've done the same, forged great friendships, etc. kk: Please don't even hint that Southern's education is fictional. That's insulting. She is genuine - I have no doubts - I've enjoyed her take on some medical issues dealing w/ my family. I guess you don't believe me w/ my profession, either, as it could be 'made up.' Really, I'm sure neither of us would have the time on our hands to be able to look up answers to questions so that we could pretend to be something we're not. Sheesh! In fact, I was once on a board for moms wishing to add to their families and one of the other women called me at my office! I must have given my last name at some point, my city has never been a secret, and she felt badly about something and gave me a call. I've also met another cyberfriend who was visiting my area, and exchange Christmas cards w/ my email group of moms parenting only boys or only girls. I've had phone calls - actually once, late at night, of a cyberfriend needing dental advice. It was great to be able to help someone in rural Nebraska who would otherwise have nowhere to turn at that hour. I don't hide behind anything but the truth. I'm happy to help anyone in their hour of need, really - a real life person or a cyberfriend. I wonder if we were biomoms - would you accept everything we said as gospel? Dana

June, That is wonderful, it's so rewarding to see them grow into such nice young adults. And I think it's wonderful you are still family even post divorce. I know as much as the adult Skids living here are driving me nuts (as did my son when he was here in early adult hood too!) no matter what happens with my marriage I would always consider them my kids. Even though I didn't push em out myself. I have been here for them through the teen yr.s into adulthood. I hope the same proves for me if DH & I don't remain together. It's nice you had such a wonderful time together :0) ~Cat

I think the posts in reply to your original post are insensitive and rude. I suspect that they are also young. And naive. In spite of that, maybe there is a little truth in what they write? I don't know. I think that you are free to have a relationship with who ever you want to have a relationship with and if you chose not to have a relationship with your DH's child, you only need treat him how you would want to be treated. I imagine you want to be treated in a civil manner. I have a gf who did not want a relationship with her SD or her SD's bm and made that clear to her husband. I wish I had payed more attention. I had a relationship with my DH's children and his ex (I got him to seek mediation when she violated the court order and took on his battle) and believe me, if I could rewind time, I wouldn't do it again. It was a thankless task. Neither he nor his kids remember all that I have done for them and when they treat me poorly, he protects them. So, no, not everyone loves their SKs. Some of us start out with the best of intentions and end up like me; some never bother; and some have great relations. Every situation is different and you have to live your own life and take care of you. I learned this the hard way. I see women give everything to their SKs and the SKs just run over them (another gf was shocked after years of battling with her DH because he wasn't kind enough to his kids, the SKs ripped HER off). Believe me, it isn't about blaming others. It's about accepting who we are, what we need, and finding ways to find the peace and serenity we all want. For the past 5 years, whenever my SKs are around, I am busy - sometimes intentionally, some times I really just am busy. I decided this last year that I won't spend another holiday with them until their father and them quit pretending I'm the problem and learn to behave in a way that is "normal." He is free to spend time with them and like divorced parents, he can have them one year, me the next. I don't need to make a pronouncement about this, I just told him that I want to focus on "us," not the "family," and that he is welcome to have a relationship with his kids and that I just don't want to do the same. After 20 years, I am done.