Hi, Lily

Thank you.

I have been reading Step Wars, and it said that
the family member (Step-child, ex-wife, etc) that
"shows out" the worst, is the family member that was the most dependent on the biological parent prior to the marriage.

It has given me a sense of compassion for my step-kids.
But at the same time, I can't think of anything that would make me treat someone they way I have seen them act...not just to me, but to their own parents. It's appalling.

Granted, life with my SS has been consistently better in the past several months.

xoxoxox

What you say is true except for the "poorly raised". One thing you didn't mention is their genes/DNA, their genetic make up. I raised my son's properly, my Sis told me "I don't know what happened to your sons, you were the best Mom I have ever known". In spite of that, one is homeless because he doesn't want to work. The younger one was a good worker, but his wife was the strong one and didn't take care of the money, when he saw that......he didn't step in and take over the responsibility. All we hear from him is requests for money and we receive a cussing out when we say no. So my oldest is a carbon copy of my Dad and the youngest is a carbon copy of his Dad, right down to being so weak, he can't stand up to his wife. Parents are not responsible for the faults of their children. Parents do make mistakes, but those mistakes don't make the child what he grows up to be.

There were 6 babies born to one mother and one of the networks did follow ups on the children for many years. During that follow up a specialist of some kind did a genetic study of the 6 children and the mother said he described each accurately without ever meeting them.

This is the nature vs. nurture argument. I agree, to an extent. My oldest sister is irresponsible, bad with money, unreliable and greedy. My mother used to despair about how she ended up that way. I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that nurture does matter.

So, while parents are not "responsible" for the faults of their children, they are responsible, when the child is younger, to help that child cope with his or her own character flaws. If the lessons don't stick or the child chooses a different path, it is not the parent's fault.

However, I think many of the stepmothers on this site would agree that much of their SKids bad behavior is enabled by one or both parents.

What about the behaivor of a woman who chases a married man, and then expects her relationship to be respected?

Lily,

I think that some people do have character flaws, and I also agree that parents need to help children when they start exhibiting these flaws.

I'm lucky in that my youngest SD (an adult in her 20's) is a very sweet and loving person. So, I have had a good SD experience, too.

The girls have the same parents - same gene pool. But so did Jimmy and Billy Carter! The oldest daughter was very a very strong-willed child, according to my DH.

The squeaky wheel got the grease - youngest daughter was easy-going and low maintenance and the oldest was a challenge who demanded a lot. DH and ex-wife made sure she got everything she wanted - expensive college that she bombed out of because of too much partying, a $40,000+ princess wedding, you name it. The girl has worked a sum total of perhaps one year of her adult life and she is 30 years of age.

I shouldn't feel badly that I am treated poorly by my oldest SD. She treats her father terribly and has shown some real cruelty and disregard for her own mother, who does so much for her. Her mom just takes it. It is painful to watch.

KKNY - I take it this is someone you know personally?

No, I dont know her personally.

W/ my situation, had I not learned from our prior office manager, who had been very close friends to DH's ex during the marriage, that she told the kids to "get what you can get" from their dad, I think I'd have just figured that they were ill mannered and spoiled beyond belief. Knowing what I know about what their mother 'taught' them, I guess I'm a little confused - I figure they were spoiled rotten (a given), but also learned to manipulate from the woman who had the most influence over them. I wonder if she's happy now - esp. w/ SS, who just continued to want the world handed to him. The girls, well, seem a little more self-sufficient these days. Fingers are crossed!

Lily: I don't know how to explain the wicked stepmonster you have. I'd have killed for my SDs to have simply given your line about falling love, asking for time so you all could catch up. I got a flat out "I hate you!" in the middle of the mall. They were teenagers. I guess that's the explanation. In reality, they've done some pretty crummy things (over and over, lol), but I don't envy the position their mother put them in. It had to be hard.

Jonesy: There's a fine line between doing enough for a child and doing too much. Just pray that your son hits rock bottom and turns it around.

My cousin suffered addictions for years - job hopping, binge drinking, etc. He would often give the excuse that his mother was no prize. This is true. But, he had my parents and our beloved g-father who stepped up to help him out. Finally, I got tired of the excuses and said, "I have college friends who never met their fathers, were abandoned by their mothers, raised by single grandmothers who worked and raised a bunch of their other grandchildren. You know what they did? They had successful college careers (sports), many played in the NFL and NBA, and when their careers were over or on the off season, they FINISHED college 'cause they promised their g-mas they would! They didn't need the money, but they wanted to keep their words to those ladies!" I got sick of the excuses. Every parent makes mistakes - kids don't come w/ a manual. But, I'm working on making my kids realize that they need to accept responsibility for their actions - stop blaming the world, etc. I've heard we are raising the "next great generation" these days in that our children are far more aware of world issues and crises. Our school does a tremendous amount of outreach to the homeless, victims of hurricanes/tsunamis/earthquakes, etc. My kids at 7 and 5 (not yet the 3 y.o.) know way more about truly important issues in the world. I just don't want to lose this great generation w/ what I've seen too often today - a generation of men and women who view themselves as teenagers, unable to stand on their own two feet. This sense of entitlement -debt 'cause they need something and NOW...

Dana

Dana,

With all due respect, I always laugh inside when mothers of small children say how much better they will do as parents of teenagers. I think you should walk a mile in someones shoes. And having to deal with a divorce doesnt make it any easier. Having a young SM may not be easy for teenagers.

Hi! I just wanted to pop in an post another unwanted, unnecessary post... As I mentioned before, I'm mostly here to take out my frustration on my ex-husband's cheating ways by attacking any and all stepmothers out there all over the world.

Because I can't hurt my husband, I lash out at all women who represent the woman he cheated on me with. That means ruining a safe forum for stepmothers because it makes me feel GREAT, it makes me feel POWERFUL, it makes me feel STRONG and USEFUL and PROACTIVE -- the exact opposite of everything I am in real life.

So, if you plan on posting on this forum or this thread too, please know that I plan on nitpicking everything you write and inserting my personal sob story into everything (All stepmothers were The Other Woman! All stepmothers only want to steal money! All stepmothers think they're better than birth mothers!) until all of my demons have been hashed out.

Here is a link that might be useful: A link for women like me :)

That's a scream.

thekkotherny, Couldn't agree more.

I think that the more a person tells a traumatic story,
maybe that eventually purges the anger. Or maybe it
just prolongs it. OR maybe it just diffuses it to other people.

An immature (and possibly inebriated) poster who hides behind an imaginary identity in order to lash out merely reveals her own insecurity and contributes nothing to the discussion.

I keep forgetting -- all stepmothers are perfect. I think arrogance can go before a fall.

It's ironic that I have been the one pleading for us here on the forum to not rush to judge others w/o walking in their shoes. My posts were met w/ lots of comments about how we DO need to judge certain people, how they aren't worthy of respect, etc.

I guess you feel like I am judging my DH's ex too harshly, or the kids? Well, I know it is hard respect a woman who felt like her then-bf was dumping her, got him drunk then got pg (I know he wasn't given alcohol IV and that it takes two to tango - his bad, too), threatened to abort if he wouldn't marry her (he offered to support the baby but did not want marriage), then cheated on him when their finances dried up years later. While divorced, she moved her then-bf in w/ her and her teenaged kids, lied to the kids by calling me the reason she and her ex were no longer together - did her best to instill hate and resentment of both DH and I and told the kids that their dad wasn't good for anything but to buy stuff. Hmmm. Not my role model. Now, she does find the Lord a few years later, tells the kids the REAL reason she and their father divorced and that it was OK to be nice to me now...but made it clear that if they wanted anything in the way of purchases, they needed to go to us. Her $6,000/mo. plus alimony just wasn't allowing her any extra cash for them - we paid private for schools, uniforms, activities, lessons (sports and music), and she paid the rent - when it wasn't the freeby friend's pool house one room deal she had for free for ahwile...yeah, that's real appropriate for three teenagers of different sexes and a mother. Can't forget that she blames ME for her son being gay - claims I allowed him to live his lifestyle instead of insisting he reform. Sorry, not sure a truly homosexual person can do that, and I certainly wasn't going to have the boy be homeless at 17 when she booted him out for nothing other than her feeling as though he was gay. And, I guess she's not happy that her youngest DD is living w/ her bf - supposed it's my fault, too, and has nothing to do w/ the example she set...

Ouch, Dana's not sounding so mild-mannered now. No wonder I'm living day to day worried about money!

For the record, I do understand that the teenaged years are tough. However, the ex in our case did NOTHING but create a mess of things for so long. DH even paid her rehabilitative alimony - sent her to computer school, but she chose to clean houses for something ridiculous like $100/month while trying to 'build up' a clientele, but put down expenses of $300 to pay someone to clean hers. It was comical!

I largely raise my dear nephews (all teens), though my involvement has been limited due to their dysfunctional mother. Regardless, I run a tighter ship than most, but my house if FULL of love. I must put my own sons first and foremost as when my dear nephews and skids were their tender ages, they all received the attention they needed. So, I try to not be spread too thin.

KK, I do understand that it isn't easy. I also constantly put myself in your shoes, TOS's shoes, even my DH's ex's shoes. I just don't see a lot of good in what the ex did, however. I'm grateful that she has turned over a new leaf, but still am bothered by the lousy mothering job she did initially that created such problems for her children and DH and I. It just wasn't necessary, but I guess the only way to make herself feel better was to create a fictional world in which she was the victim.

BTW, I often laugh inside when mothers of only one child cast stones at me or anyone w/ several kids. My kids are all great alone - little altar boys, lol. But, they're dangerous in numbers, so a trip to the store can be quite chaotic - and I'll notice the mom of a sleeping infant looking at me w/ disapproval. I'm not talking about you, just other mothers w/ a single child. At 'story time' those w/ an only child sit back, engrossed in the story, while I'm trying to minimize damage to the place, lol. My boys really aren't that bad, but you get the drift. It's very easy to be annoyed w/ someone else if you can't comprehend what it's like being in their positions.

D

"I keep forgetting -- all stepmothers are perfect. I think arrogance can go before a fall."

Hi, KK

There's something I have been wanting to tell you.
I ____d your husband, and it wasn't that great.

Listen, there are a lot of people in my life who want me to fall.

My ex- wants me to fall. My SD wants me to fall. My SS probably wants me to fall. My husband's ex wants me to fall. You don't even know me and you want me to fall.

You have mentioned that more than once.

Hey, I'm rubber, you're glue.

Maybe arrogance comes before a fall, but bitter hatefulness directed at EVERYONE is forever.

I will meditate on this.

Have a nice day.

I know its not grammatically correct. But my mother used to say

Some people were raised ... others act like they were dragged.

Vista ... Atleast you have seen what spoiling/entitling children leads to. So you can try to do differently by your boys.

KKNY this wasn't about the OW it was about the different types of people and lack of common decency in some.

Southern ... you have referenced "step wars" a couple times.. I am thinking its something I should read. I am baffled by his ex's lack of common decency.

And as far as my SC are concerned ... I am trying to raise decent adults. No I am not their mother ... but they spend a majority of the time with me ... and how they behave reflects on me whether anyone likes it or not.

At some point I have to take some responsibility for how they behave. I cannot just say "I am not the momma" that would not be acceptable.

If a child is misbehaving at a store... do you say that kid need to behave or do you say his mother or the adult female standing there need to control him?

They have come a long way. Now I pick and choose my battles and move on. I disengage when a parent is present.

And believe me I see the difference if we are all out as a family they pull stuff they would never pull with just me... and they even say it ... stop you know cawfe doesn't like that. Or my son will say ... you would never let me get away with that. Thats when hubby will perk up and check out what they are doing.

Conversation with BM yesterday ... I was saying the kids are on their own this year I will not be bringing anything they forget to school... pointed examples .. tissues pens pokemon cards... she says laughing .. well isn't good to know you are needed ... I said well if thats the case they can need you, they can call you to bring those piddly things you can take time out of your day to do it because I am not. So when they call me for the stuff .. I will tell them to call you. So you can feel needed.

What would you rather hear ... wow! they are great kids! or wow! those kids are out of control!

This post took a whole new direction while I was rambling.

Vista.. WTG :-) (standing up for yourself)

being broke ... does bring out a different side of you!! Sometimes its good to lose your mind to put the important things in perspective.

Southern... remember to roll as you are falling ... its less painfull.

"KKNY this wasn't about the OW it was about the different types of people and lack of common decency in some"

I think that is a contradiction in its own terms.

But again, I have to keep repeating, every SM is perfect.

It was ... proving your point ... the OW in your life is not decent. None of us disagree with you on that point.

But its not our fault. Some of us are trying to do right by our SC and are faulted at every turn. We cannot do right by them in "your eyes" we should not have married a man who has children. In your way of thinking ... if he has children he is off limits. It sucks, you and your daughter were given a raw deal .... but how long are you going to let it fester and eat at you? Till the ow is gone? till ex drops dead? til your daughter gets her house?

I know you have stated you have a busy social life.... but letting your anger fester cannot be good for your health. You seem very bitter over many things. I am not perfect never said I was ... but I hold myself and the people around me to a standard the world finds acceptable. No one is going to coddle anyone as an adult and if they do ... who wants to be around them.

You can't make children do what you want them to do they have to want to do it. You can redirect them and give them a chance to see things differently but it is up to them to change ... you can't change people they have to want to change.

First step to recovery? Admitting there is a problem.

This post was about personality straits in people.

I found this little tidit...

Two types of people

There are people then who are trying to build things up and others who are trying to tear things down.

Which are you? any of us for that matter.

Very good point.

When you harbor anger, that person controls you.
KK, do you really want her to control you?

Also, when you let go of the anger, you have to finally
let go of your marriage. It that the real issue?

"When you harbor anger, that person controls you."

I used to know a young woman whose mother (not stepmother, just her own personal, acquired-at-birth mother) was so domineering, controlling, & overwhelming that I marvelled that the daughter wasn't angry all the time.

One day she told me,
"I realized that all that anger was taking up space in my brain & that I *needed* that space to live my own life.
My mother was living rent-free in my brain.
So I kicked her out."

No it bothers me that every SM here things she is perfect and SKids are terrible and that is either SKIDS or moms fault. But it is helpful to see what the ohter side thinks.

My SC are not terrible ... They WERE terrible. Thats the difference.

Someone has to be "blamed" ... and if you have most of my posts...you see I blame both parents for the way my SC behave I have not said their father was innocent in the way they behave. BOTH parents enabled their behaviors neither parent liked the behaviors but were too angry at each other to parent just wanted to play good guy.

Yes some blame moms who continue to be bitter 10/15/20 years after the divorce is said and done. So yes they continue to enable their children to be _________ toward others not just against stepmom's or fathers themselves included. It usually rears its ugly head in every aspect of their adult lives. Even with their own children as we have seen in some posts. These spoiled adults have children then drop them off at the evil SM's house to care for them.

Again the message of this post was that there are two different types of people. There are people then who are trying to build things up and others who are trying to tear things down. You make a choice as an adult to be the person you want to be ... When we are children we follow our parents direction. As an adult we can choose to follow our parents direction or choose not to.

Well, I dont know about you but I tell my kids all of the time that I am perfect and I know everything. Which ofcourse is the absolute truth ;-)

Hehe .... just a little mood lightner

I have never professed to be perfect - and if I have, kindly 'cut and paste' the quote for me, but you have failed to ever recognize one negative done by my DH's ex, or really any BM that I can recall. In my opinion, if I had a DD and she could either model herself after my example or the ex's, I'll take MY life HANDS DOWN. I have always tried to be a lady - maybe a feisty lady at times, but nonetheless a lady.

And, again, I'm not raising girls, I'm raising boys to be MEN, not boys in men's bodies. Furthermore, I'm raising SIX of them but have funded nine kids from time to time, w/ absolutely not one hint of any validation, appreciation or simple nod of approval from either BM (DH's ex or my former SIL). Personally, they both stink and have NOT done right by their kids.

So, imagine yourself raising far more than one DD w/ very little help, though a whole lot of criticism...then you can picture youself in MY shoes...or those of many women here who have stepped up in a big way 'cause the BMs wouldn't! This board may have a few SMs out there (none come to mind right off the bat) who wanted to marry a man then get rid of his little 'brats', but I think I've seen more than a few who have gone way above the call of duty! Why is it so hard to pat them on the back? No one disagrees w/ you that the tramp your ex left you for is, well, a tramp. However, it seems to be worked into every single thread for some reason. And, she is not the normal SM you find here, just as you are not the ex's we have had to deal with repeatedly!

You go, girl.

KK, why not start a thread for ex-wives with kids who haven't remarried. Seriously, most of us have just
moved on, and it's hard to just keep hearing about the same thing over and over and over. Also, you just can't relate to anything we say, because even though we are not live in bimbos, we are wives, you group us into the same category.

If I wanted to be whipped by my husband's ex- I would just dial her up.

If I wanted to be treated like crap, I would have stayed married to my first bipolar narcissistic abusive husband,
who incidentally split with a cute little accountant, God love her.

For Pete's sake, almost everyone here repeats herself/himself on numerous threads. No one is forcing anyone to read every word of every post.

southernsummer,
Any reasonable person reading some of the posts on this thread would come to the conclusion that some of the stepmothers here are 11 years old - "I'm rubber, you're glue" - you've got to be kidding. And the crude statement earlier in that post was completely inappropriate.

Dana,

I know from personal experience that "little angels" can turn in to something else altogether when there are more of them than there are of you. I also have raised teenagers. My teens have been quite easy, comparatively speaking - they don't/didn't drink, smoke, or do drugs, and got between good and fantastic grades. However, I still think raising quadruplet 2 year olds would be easier than raising even a single teen.

Sorry about the "I'm rubber, you're glue".

Actually I was kidding.

Regarding the "crude statement", you're going to hate me anyway, and you and Kay Kay are going to lump us in
with her ex's girl friend anyway, so why not admit it?

Sorry you didn't understand, but I'll be glad to explain anything else you have trouble with.

Oh, I. understood. I just thought it was inane, and not what one would have expected from someone as well educated as you are.

On the internet, you can pick your own education level, as well as your own name.

I think it's funny that I'm one of the few who actually use her name, and it's my real name - not my middle name, not a nickname, but my name. I guess that isn't prudent, but I've been on a couple of boards where I've done the same, forged great friendships, etc.

kk: Please don't even hint that Southern's education is fictional. That's insulting. She is genuine - I have no doubts - I've enjoyed her take on some medical issues dealing w/ my family. I guess you don't believe me w/ my profession, either, as it could be 'made up.' Really, I'm sure neither of us would have the time on our hands to be able to look up answers to questions so that we could pretend to be something we're not. Sheesh! In fact, I was once on a board for moms wishing to add to their families and one of the other women called me at my office! I must have given my last name at some point, my city has never been a secret, and she felt badly about something and gave me a call. I've also met another cyberfriend who was visiting my area, and exchange Christmas cards w/ my email group of moms parenting only boys or only girls. I've had phone calls - actually once, late at night, of a cyberfriend needing dental advice. It was great to be able to help someone in rural Nebraska who would otherwise have nowhere to turn at that hour.

I don't hide behind anything but the truth. I'm happy to help anyone in their hour of need, really - a real life person or a cyberfriend. I wonder if we were biomoms - would you accept everything we said as gospel?

Dana

ok, Kay Kay.

Hmmmmm. Today, I think I'll choose to be a neurologist.

Tomorrow, I think I'll make it rain.

Oh, the possibilities. : )

This dentistry thing is just til I get my 'real' career going, lol. I'm actually desperately seeking Robin Leach's old job to review resorts around the world and bump elbows w/ celebrities. If you hear of an opening for hosting "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" let me know - I'll do it for free!

I always joked to DH at games (MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL) that these franchises needed to realize the gem they have in him - he could coach, play, announce and perform at half-time for pennies on the dollar with respect to what they're paying all these other 'non-talents' as DH would love to criticize anyone taking a wrong turn in any of these areas...lol. Heck, he'd put them on OUR payroll just to let him be part of the action! (he's lucky I'm a fan)

D

When my ex left for the other woman... I didn't know whether to send her a thank you card or sympathy card.

I sent nothing....kind of glad I didn't they have been together for over 7 years.... maybe she should divorce her first husband to marry my ex .... hahahaha :-)

So true.

Life goes on.