TIA, It's true about a situation being 95% of what we make of it and that's why I suggest you make the situation 95% to suit you! Stop trying to please SS! He does not want to be pleased & he will never like you. He's all about punishing you. Your the adult so take charge. Since SS is treating your home like an hotel and treating you worse than a slave servant. Tell your H the situation is causing unhappiness for you all & ask him to accommodate & visit with his son separately. or Hire a full time cleaning woman when SS is by you & have her also order takeout for him. She's to do only cleaning & takeout meal ordering. Absolutely NO cooking. No exceptions! Totally ignore SS. If none of the above is an option for you, I suggest you STOP catering to SS whims & STOP cleaning up after SS. Leave the mess as is and totally ignore him. If H complains about the mess. Offer to call in a cleaning woman to clean up the mess. Absolutely refuse to clean & or do anything for for SS. SS has made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that he does not want to be part of you & H's family. You can also tell H that while you understand that by marrying H, SS is part of the "package", BUT being mistreated & disrespected is NOT part of the "package"! Hopefully this helps. If not, you may have to walk away, because when a husband refuses to protect his own wife from mistreatment & or abuse, this sort of thing doesn't improve it just gets worse & WORSE!

Oh I hear ya... It's really hard on a child and the other parent to hear these things. "His ex has recently taken us back to court to change the custody order, claiming that our son is miserable with it and wants it to change. It has only been in effect for 6 months and we have only noticed very positive changes in him since then. It isn't really that different from what it used to be and all of the things she is claiming ring false and have us convinced that this is really about proving to everyone that she controls what happens in our son's life, not anyone else. It has become clear to us that she is drilling him on what he "wants" and has actually put in her declaration to the court that the judge needs to ash him what he wants so he can tell her and thus have the order changed. He is 7. The fact that she wants to put him in that position says everything anyone needs to know about her, in my opinion." I think you've got it exactly right. She's feeling threatened, feels her control slipping, and is reacting in a selfish, destructive and emotional way to "get her son back." Probably, without realizing the cost to his emotional health. I went through the same tactics, starting when my son was about 3. He'd come back from his father's house feeling terrible because "My daddy's so sad when I'm not there." For 3-4 days, he'd spout all sorts of 'daddy-centered' stuff about how sad his dad was, how much his dad missed him, how it wasn't fair that his dad didn't get to see him more often, and about how he wanted to live with his dad, and when he was 10, he'd get to choose. My son didn't even realize at that time that living with his father meant he wouldn't be living with me. At first, I tried talking to Ex, and asked him if he could rephase it to how happy he was to see DS and how much Ex enjoyed spending time with DS instead of how sad Ex was without him. Ex denied there was a difference. I explained how DS felt sad and guilty for making his father sad; Ex said I should just give up custody so DS could be happy. This went on unproductively for years. Later on, Ex's parenting tactics got progressively worse - extreme Disneyland syndrome, over-empowering DS, badmouthing me, ridiculing my husband, who DS had quickly grown to love... I asked him to go to counseling (7 years post-divorce) so we could "learn how to parent more effectively." In truth, knowing Ex, I didn't expect it to work, but I knew Ex would make an @$$ of himself in counseling, and that the counselors would be consulted in the inevitable custody battle. That is, in fact, exactly what happened, with Ex admitting to and defending all of his slimy self-centered tactics, and the counselors practically beating their heads against the wall trying to get him to see any perspective other than his own. DS's new SM even went to some of the sessions, and it was clear that she could see the error of Ex's ways -- but of course, she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Some good did come out of the counseling. The therapists recommended the book 'Divorce Poison' to me (not within Ex's hearing) which deals with parental alienation syndrome. A gut-wrenching read, but very valuable for understanding Ex's tactics and counter-acting them. I changed some of my responses, and DS's emotional health started to improve. That book helped me find the fine line between stating that I thought Ex's actions were not right and why, without crossing over into Ex-bashing. I also learned a few valuable strategies for dealing with Ex -- like *never* proposing my preferred solution to a problem, because any solution I proposed, he would veto. And discussing issues with SM instead, because she was reasonable, had less ego involvement, and was able to see DS's perspective in addition to her own and Ex's. (Ex honestly could not.) As it played out, the day DS turned 12, Ex initiated legal procedings to have custody switched. DS signed the paper indicating that he wanted to live with his father. Ex. delivered that paper to me on our son's 12th birthday. (DS really didn't have a choice; the consequences of refusing to sign would have been horrific. Plus, he'd been so brainwashed...) With lawyers, counselors and negotiations, I managed to delay things a year, but on his 13th birthday, DS went to live with Ex and SM. Surprisingly, things have gone quite well since then. DS has gained a lot of insight into his father, most of it not so good. He's also developed a better appreciation of my 'mean' rules and the reasons behind them. And he loves his SM. She's the one who spends time with him at Ex's house. She makes his lunch, takes him to school, takes him out to dinner and movies, buffers Ex's rants and lectures. We're ALL lucky she's there. And DS still loves me. In fact, in private, it seems he's able to love me more since he stopped getting so much brainwashing pressure (still can't show it in front of Ex, though) and since I'm not always the one saying "No". Teenagers are difficult 24/7 -- twice a week plus every other weekend, they're easy ;o) I'd love to have him back with me, but know it's not going to happen. So I need to work with what I've got -- a DS who is seeing more of human nature than most kids his age, yet still making mostly good choices, a SM that's loving, kind, responsible and reasonable, and a pathological Ex that's best to be avoided (and thanks to SM, I can). Anyway - That's my story... My advice to you is to read Divorce Poison. Make the time - expect to get very angry - then work through that anger and develop some strategies for coping with BioMom's tactics. Some of them will be legal defense tactics, but the more important ones will be ways for talking to your SS about BioMom's tactics. He's being put in a terrible position, and needs your help to deal with those pressures. The right actions will allow him to understand what BioMom is doing and why (in a simple, kind but truthful way), and that you love him very much and he is not to blame for all of the bad feelings. Good luck to you, your DH and SS.

Chloe, everyone is correct that your husband is the problem. The SS also has the beginnings of some behaviour problems, that will get worse as he gets older. Unless you make some big changes, this situation is going to deteriorate as your SS gets bigger and more uncontrollable, and your husband gets more accustomed to ignoring your needs and those of his younger son. The only person that can control your destiny is you. Right now, you are allowing a child to abuse you and your husband to mistreat you. You need to find out why you are letting this happen to you. I recommend that you get some counselling so that you you can explore whether or not your husband is willing and able to treat you appropriately. If you have any family or close friends, you also need to reach out to them for support at this time. This is not a situation of a little kid causing problems at your house. This is a problem in your marriage, and in your husband's ability to be a good partner and parent. It may be the case that he is not up to the task and you will need a strong support network to help you and your baby.

You sound like a very bright and capable young woman. (With a quirky sense of humor - choosing "qwerty97" as your moniker.) I am going to disagree with your header. Your stepmother is not disrespectful, she is abusive. The longer you stay the more damage she will do to you and your brothers. I don't know the situation at your grandparents' but if it is even 1 millimeter better than what you're living with, go there. If you haven't looked into it, I'd also recommend Alateen, which is a nonprofit group devoted to helping children of alcoholic parents. They will help you develop coping strategies for your very difficult situation, because you have multiple challenges. People who grow up with alcoholism and abuse, as you have, often learn ways to "keep the peace" that damage who they are. You can survive this, but it means learning new ways to respond to your challenges. Aside from your grandparents, look for caring adults who can mentor you and provide a new support system - teachers, counselors, pastors, parents of friends - the more people you have in your corner the better off you are.