Be careful. From a 9 year (official - 11 year unofficial) veteran stepmom, it sounds like he is following the ultimate blended family killer "happy family, because you are going to replace his mother and sacrifice and feel just like she does about him" LIE. Trust me, we are still licking our wounds from trying to follow that fairy tale dream. If I hadn't listened to other people telling me how I should become their mother and change their bad habits, I think my relationship with my stepdaughters (now teenagers) would have been much stronger, now. I do love them, and they do love me, but because of my lack of understanding of my role with them for years, there are still sore spots. I wish someone had said this to me at the beginning: "You are NOT their mother nor will you EVER be, so their upbringing is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! Do an imaginary head shake and butt out! Their bad behaviors and habits have absolutely nothing to do with you. It is a reflection of their parents' shortcomings." Although you might (big might) grow to love this child over time, your relationship with this child needs to be given LOTS of room, which it doesn't sound like his father is allowing. You can't force anyone to love. The child has been hurt by a broken family, and he is like a little injured animal. Expect him to snap and snarl at you a bit before he learns to trust your intentions. You and your man can set basic "living together" boundaries WHICH YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND ENFORCES (such as don't take stuff without asking, everyone gets to feel safe, and speak to all with respect even if you don't feel like it.) Other than being behind the scenes helping your husband realize you all need those basic boundaries, STAY OUT OF IT - it's not your kid. Anger is all part of the healing process. It will take sometimes years for them to learn to trust. It will also take years for their father to trust that you have actually learned to love his child. It may take years for you to really love the child as your own. And if it never happens, it shouldn't have any bearing on your love for your future husband, as long as everyone is cordial when they are together. Just understand that his love for the child is intense, and he is going to do some things that seem unreasonable to you. It's called love. Your tongue will develop a permanent callus from biting it constantly when your future stepson is around. If it is too much, develop a retreating place where you can write out your thoughts and think of a solution without crushing any relationships. A little ray of hope: A new baby helped us realize the stupid fairy tale LIE (call it like it is!), and in spite of their mother telling them that we would abandon them now that we were having another child (yes, she is another story entirely), we finally convinced them that they were and always will be important to us. They were allowed to witness their sister's birth (from an appropriate angle - great birth control, by the way). Both moved in with us (although one has moved back to the land of no rules). They continue to smother their sister with love. She is now four years old, and I've had to beg her big sisters to stop buying her junk. The love they have shown her has increased my love for them exponentially. I finally feel true intense love for my stepdaughters. My youngest stepdaughter, unfortunately, is still reeling from the pain and lack of trust caused by that horrible fairy tale LIE, and is still suffering self-incurred damages. Please pray for her. This year, my oldest stepdaughter gave me a card for my birthday thanking me for being like a mother to her. After eleven years of struggling, that one little card made it all worthwhile. I just hope my relationship with my youngest stepdaughter, and her relationship with herself and others is salvageable. Tell people who look critically your possible future stepson's behavior that you are sorry his behavior offends them, but it's really none of their business or yours (So stick it where the sun doesn't shine!) Good luck in your discussion and decision making.

theotherside: his relationship with his daughter is at an all-time low. As for the ride issue, I feared that if taken out of context would appear to be a bad example. You have to understand ALL the things that BM has done (and not done) during the course of the marriage and raising their children to understand the situation. She never took care of the kids....always left the actual parenting things to him. When they divorced, she expected that to continue and it simply could not -- he was now a single Dad trying to make a living (to help support the kids because she was fired from her job....) AND take care of the kids. They lived nearby and SD would walk over, take food out of the frig and then go back to her mom's. If asked to hang out to eat the food, no....gotta get back to Mom's. Whenever he asked to spend time with her -- she had something going on with her mother and the answer was no. And I disagree 100% with your comment that if he doesn't want to set boundaries it is HIS business, not mine. His choosing to have a life with me means that I am also part of the equation and that I must be considered. Conversely, my life is not the same one I had before I married into this family....I have to do car pool, driving to friend's houses, food shopping, making dinner, etc. etc. so one cannot tell me I should do those things, but have no say or boundaries in my own home. I don't think men or my husband is stupid. My husband is a very smart man, but when it comes to emotional issues or sensitivities, he doesn't always catch on . . . dumb? no...but he was raised with different a different focus. Last summer when I was having a horrible time with my 19 y/o SD living with us and breaking every rule she could, my sister pulled me aside and said it is too late for you to save that girl -- the damage is done. When I said that I was angry that HE let her get this out of control without taking control over from her mother my sister reminded me that in most homes (hers included), it is usually the mother who imparts the values and manners and who tends mostly to the children....the men do their part, but it has a different focus (earning a living and taking care of his family that way). I understand this is a very traditional way of looking at it, but it is true in many cases! And, I'm hardly a "traditional" woman, I was a career woman with no kids at 40! Yet when I married my DH, I immediately began doing the caregiving, organizing of schedules, trying to do as much as I could so my SS could be a child and feel safe and secure in our home and so that my husband could focus on work). It's like a weird gene that I can't control! (also why I have meltdowns from time to time because my body (mood) tells me I can't do it all before I actually realize it!!)

Hi, Wow..your story is so similar to mine as far as how your step mother is acting. My mom passed away 2 years ago after a lengthy battle with COPD and kidney failure. My dad checked out of their relationship emotionally quite a few years ago, but stayed with my mom out of pure loyalty. He also was never a really good father, or grandfather either. 2 months after my mom passed, my dad started living with a woman he met on an online dating site. She had just lost her husband a few months prior, and it seemed they had quite a bit in common. I struggled with his new relationship at first, and wondered how in the world he could move on while the tears from my moms funeral were still fresh in my eyes. I decided that my dad couldn't spend the rest of his life alone, so I gave his new woman a chance. We got along really well at first- and she was eager to meet and care for my two young kids as she was not allowed to visit her only grandchild. I didn't really dig into the reason why at the time, but I wish I had. The first entire year we knew her, she showered us with gifts, household items, money if we needed it- my daughter had so many gifts for Christmas that year that she got tired of opening them. She even loaned my sister some expensive luggage to take on a trip to California. She encouraged us to visit my dad, and said she would never try to replace my mom, but wanted her own relationship with us. A few months into their relationship, my dad had to have a 5 bypass heart surgery. The surgery was at my dads girlfriends urging. He proposed to her just before he went under anesthesia, and made her his DPOA. Then, the alienation started, with my younger sister. Shortly before my dad met this woman, my dad discovered that he could "keep" my mom's life insurance money. Before then, we were under the impression that we would have to give it all back to the state to pay for her time in all the different nursing homes. My dad called each one of us kids and told us that 20,000 dollars would be coming our way. He set it up with his bank, who informed him to only take small amounts out each time. So we each got 1000 to start with, and were told when we needed the rest to let my dad know. Shortly after my dad moved in with his new fling, each of us kids were informed that the money was going to stop, and all of the rest would be going to pay for my dad's medical bills. I was disappointed, but understood that dad needed to pay for his bills. My sister was irate- and called wanting to talk to my dad. She was angry, and before she could say much, my dad's now fiancee grabbed the phone away and scolded her for making my dad upset because he had just had surgery. Things got worse from there. It ended in names being exchanged, and my dad's fiancee reminding my sister that she needed to return her luggage. I understood my dad's fiancee's point, and agreed that my sister should return her luggage and should never have acted that way. From that day on- that's all we heard about "Your sister is a thief and won't return my luggage." then it went to my sister was an alcoholic and probably sold the luggage to pay for beer. Before long, my sister was a piece of crap, a thief, and no one should trust her. A few months after that whole fiasco, I became pregnant. My dad's fiancee jumped all over that, refused to let me even drive to my appointments, and demanded that I let her take me to every one. She even bought me lunch afterwards. We started becoming close, and I allowed her into the sonogram room and even into the exam room when I had my appointments- I told people she was my mom. When it came time for the baby shower- she took control of it all and pretty much wouldn't even let my mother in law help. Everything was over the top- and I didn't even really bat an eye. A few months after my son was born, we had a family crisis. My sister felt like she had lost my dad, didn't get along at all with his fiancee, and felt completely alone. She threatened to commit suicide. I called my dad, pleading with him to get in contact with my sister, and instead he told his fiancee. She right away got on the phone and set up a trip to go see her- my kids and all. Asked me if I could be ready to go the next morning, and we did. When we got back from the trip to see my sister, everything changed. The once happy, carefree, go getting, loving woman that I thought was with my dad flipped a 360. Every time I called or wanted to stop by, it was like I was bothering her. If I called asking if my dad and her wanted to watch the kids, I was bothering her. Then she started sending all of the kids things she had at her house home to me My dad started having the same cold attitude towards me. One day, I got tired of walking on eggshells and asked: Whats going on? What has changed? She pretty much laid into me about how horrible of a person I was- I never thank them for anything they do, don't return things, I'm just trying to take my dad's money..and it went on and on. I was in tears by the end of it. We hadn't had any communication between the two of us until a few days ago when she sent me an 8 page handwritten letter- again telling me how horrible, selfish, etc. I was. I read the letter to my mother in law, brother, and husband, then threw it away. My dad married this woman about a month ago-in what he told me was a private ceremony with just one of my uncles and my grandma there. Found out yesterday both of her children were allowed to be there. I'm hurt, and feel like I've lost my father..

Hi Kay.....Welcome. I think if I were in your shoes I might try a couple of things with both SDs, altering things a bit to suit the ages of each. I would have a meeting with all of you, (husband and his daughters) and put a few things out on the table. If I had children, grown or not, that would not respect my husband, I believe the conversation would go something like this.... To the 23 yr. old.." I do not understand why you would choose to treat the man that I love with such disrespect. If you love and respect me you will not continue to do this. You are behaving in a mean and spiteful way and it is bound to affect our relationship. Although I love you with all of heart and that will never change I can't continue to put up with this. If you can't work it out on your own I suggest that you get counseling and I would be happy to participate in that with you. If you choose not to do anything about your treatment of my husband then our relationship, as much as it breaks my heart, will have change. You and I can't be close if you are choosing to treat my husband, the man that I love, in this manner. Please consider what I said and remember, from now on I will not tolerate disrespect towards my husband from you." I would encourage a heart to heart with the oldest to see if she will open up to you. If not if would give you the chance to tell her that you don't understand why she is treating you the way that she is and would she please tell you what she is angry or hurt about. Let her know that it is your desire to have a good relationship with her and she can set the boundaries for that but you won't present yourself as a whipping post for her. That is over. The 10 year old needs a good talking to and perhaps your husband and her mother should sit down first. The same principals apply to her as the older daughter with the understanding that she is 10. I suggest counseling again. I would apply some punishment for the 10 year olds behavior. If her mom doesn't have a problem with her or she doesn't behave that way towards her then set up your own system in your home. Husband needs to lay down the law with this one and attach privileges to good behavior. No disrespect towards you should be tolerated, any should be addressed and discipline should follow. You can talk with her also. Be honest about how she makes you feel but don't allow her to have power over you. I remember telling my SD33, who lived with my ex and me for 13 years, that I didn't marry her dad for her love and if she never loved me I could live with that but she would treat me with respect. It was not a choice, it was not a request it was an order. She and I have a wonderful relationship now. I wish you the best. I'm sure that you will get great advice here. These women ( and some men) have a lot to offer.