Thanks for all of the feedback so far. It is surprising how many of us are in a similar situation. It is sad that there are so many sour relationships out there. Part of me feels like I need to give specific examples of incidents that have led to this tension, but I won’t because it would be a very LONG post. In a nutshell, I always felt we had normal relationship until I moved out and then started my own family. Now that I'm an adult I see things clearly. I am beyond trying to “fix” this relationship. Trust me, we’ve tried. It usually ends with her telling me that she will follow up with some topic (she needs more time to think before responding), then she never replies, and then I forget about it and life goes on until the next blow up. I’m just at the point where I don’t want to start the cycle again. As for our personalities she has told me that she doesn’t necessarily like me either. I’m okay with that since it came out when I told her the same thing (not a screaming fight, but a real conversation about why there is so much tension between us). I know she doesn’t like me, yet she wants to be around me. It doesn’t make sense. I suppose she is of the mindset that family is family, regardless of the circumstances. I, on the other hand, do not go where I am not wanted. I accept that there will always be people who don’t care for me. After all, I don’t necessarily care for every person I meet. I just can’t be around her without feeling physically and emotionally awful. My sweet husband has offered to take our kids to visit her just so I don’t have to deal with her. The kids ask about her, so that fuels the guilt too. When we see each other we are cordial, but that’s about it. Lyfia: “if this was a friend would I continue to be friends with them.” No. Kellyeng: “Emotional divorce” I like that description. That is what I need. I’m working on it. Roseabbey: There are a lot of issues and we’ve discussed them at length. “She is my mom after all” is the underlying cause of my guilt. As for therapy…. Ugh. I can honestly say that I just don’t care enough anymore to invest the effort. I suppose this is how divorcing couples must feel towards the end. Awm03: Yes, coping strategies. I need those! Funnygirl: Perhaps I am just waiting to reach the point of being “all grieved out” with my mom and then the guilt will pass. Arcy: yes, I try to get through it but it is tough when she makes contact and wants to get together. It certainly would be easier if she would back off too. I do feel her absence on special occasions, but the sadness of her absence is more tolerable than the angst of her presence. Blfenton: I love what your mom told you! I know my mom loves me, and I love her, but we just can’t be together. Love from a distance I suppose. Larecoltante: Thanks for the article. It gave me a label for why I want a divorce: she is “too self-focused or too difficult for you to bear any longer.” Shee: I rave about my family too. They’re awesome except for you know who! I feel blessed to have the family that I have, even with a bad apple. I’m sure you feel the same way. Mitch: I wish logic didn’t conflict with emotion so much! Annie: I do make myself feel guilty. If I saw her at a family event that was hosted by someone else it wouldn’t affect me. Unfortunately, I host most of the events. Then she hears about it and asks to come. I say “fine”. Then I have guilt about not inviting her in the first place and anxiety about seeing her. I should just say no then only have the guilt. Hilltop: if it were your mother writing in and she wanted to cut ties how would you feel? Relief, without hesitation I would say relief. Do one or both of you find any value in the relationship? I think we both value that we are mother-daughter but that is all. It's just a label in our case. We don’t bring joy to one another. If you cut ties today and she died ten years from now, how would you feel? I would be sad that she died but I don’t know if I would wish that I tried harder to mend our relationship. I really don’t know. My MIL is always telling me that I need to fix it but I can’t bring myself to do it since I’ve been down that road too many times before. I have a very low expectation of our relationship already. I send pictures of my kids and am polite when we are together. I’m content with that. She wants the Hallmark relationship but I no longer think it is possible. Joanie: I agree. I am working on finding my answer.

Yes we only want a cheap option for a year or so before we upgrade the kitchen. The upgrade will be new countertops and possibly new cabinets. We don't know if we will sell within 5 years. We like this house, the neighborhood and the schools but I've learned to never say never. And to never count on a house being a forever house. As our children get older we might find that our needs change. With that in mind, I don't want to make any changes that will make it harder to sell. Most of the houses that go on the market in this neighborhood have painted or stained builder grade oak cabinets topped with new granite. It's not that I don't want to paint the countertops but that I'd rather not mess with it. Based on what I've read online many people paint/stain their cabinets and have good results. However, it seems that fewer people paint their countertops and that the outcomes are mixed. Painting the cabinets seems much more of a sure thing. Especially given that it's so common in this neighborhood and all of the homes have the same cabinets.

At 5'3" I can reach only the lowest shelf in the cabs over my front loaders and the very front of the second shelf. My cabs go up to the ceiling with 4 large shelves. I have other storage, so I don't use the other shelves. Also my front loaders are on a 10" riser so I don't have to bend down so much to access the laundry. I can fold laundry on top of the machines so no countertop required. One issue is that because of the water lines, gas hookup and venting, the machines can't be pushed right up to the back wall. There is probably a 7" gap at the back. If I could push them back, I could reach higher for sure. Another thing is that a lot of the front loaders (mine) have a stick up back panel for controls, so you couldn't have a countertop with those. Although a countertop could look nice, I can see some issues down the road if a machine needs to be repaired or replaced.

I sometimes wonder why so many people want double ovens. Is it necessity or extravagance? My mom had double ovens and a 6 burner stove and 2 microwave ovens, but she was the matriarch of a large Pennsylvania Dutch family. She had 6 children and at when she was the age that I am today (61) I was 19 and still living at home. The oldest 4 kids were married, the two oldest each had 2 kids. My mom watched the younger two grandchildren during the day, picked up the older two from school and made dinner for the family (6 kids, 4 sil/dil, 4 grandchildren, herself and my dad). Some nights we had extra guests, Aunts, cousins, friends. A typical meal served anywhere from 16-25 people and this was 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. She baked her own bread, canned fruits and vegetables in the summer, made homemade jams and jellies, pickles, sauerkraut, pies, cakes, cookies, pastries all from scratch. People don't cook this way anymore. Most of my friends are making dinner for 2 to 6 people daily. I still work every day and cook bigger meals on the weekends that can be reheated during the week. Most days I am simply warming leftovers or making something pretty simple that doesn't take too much effort, doesn't take too long to prepare and doesn't cause a big mess. My typical daily dinners are feeding 1-2 people. My middle sister is our new matriarch and hosts most of the bigger gatherings. She makes dinner for the family 3 or 4 times a year with gatherings up to 40 people, but we all bring something with us so although she will use 2 ovens to make 2 turkeys or 2 hams, it is only on those rare occasions that she needs both ovens and we could probably have two people in charge of cooking the main course if she only had one oven. I am renovating my kitchen and considering a 20" or 24" range because I will get a few extra inches of counter and storage space and I use my small appliances probably more often than my oven (pressure cooker, slow cooker, air fryer, sous-vide). My air fryer lives on my counter - I use it almost every day. I love that I can cook a steak in the sous-vide and know that it will be perfectly cooked if I have dinner when planned or get delayed by an hour. Can't do that with an oven. Made a spiral cut ham with a thickened Monticello cherry glaze in my large sous-vide over the holidays and it was amazingly perfect. The glaze flavoring permeated the meat and the meat was moist and flavorful. Not sure I will ever use an oven again for to make ham. Made a prime rib in the Sous-vide as well - again - cooked to perfection. Seared the outside under the broiler for just a couple of minutes after cooking, so I did technically use the oven as well, but I need more room for my other toys more than I need two ovens.