So unfortunate for everyone concerned. Hopefully the (un)happy couple have learned something from the experience.

I was the only one who warned a friend about her impending marriage. I knew the man and his past. Yet so did some of her other friends and no one else spoke to her about it. I was immediately censored and the only one purposely not invited to the wedding. The marriage lasted less than 8 months.

I'm not always right, of course, in such matters. But I am glad I spoke the truth when I did even if it made me permanently an outcast from this group. Talk about a sad situation.

I also remember being admonished re: expressing my doubts about a recent union. The lesson I learned is that even if one is 100% right about the impending failure, it is in very bad form to think it, let alone express it. And after all, what good is it to anybody to be RIGHT about a bad outcome. I wasted time & money but what if One's negative vibe adds to the couple's doomed future. Perhaps positive thoughts and hopes improve the odds of success and that s/b the focus.

I think it should be OK to express misgivings among friends here at the KT. I'm sorry you were scolded.

Chisue thread

As others have remarked....Lessons in Life come in many forms and one hopes that any "failure" can be a lesson learned.

I recall going to a good friend's wedding in younger days knowing that it was not a good thing. I didn't say anything because I know her well, and once she had made up her mind, there was no going back. It didn't last, and we're still friends.

Either:

1. You're right, or

2. You're wrong.

Same is true for the friend. No matter which, no good comes from expressing your opinion or being other than supportive and diplomatic.

This is one of the few situations when (I think) a fib in order to mind one's own business is acceptable.

You saw that one coming.

I just met a very nice, very successful woman. She's been married for 9 years and lived with him in the same house, same state for 2 of those years. I just don't get it....

You were scolded? Seems odd that here you can't express an opinion. At a family gathering to be whispering about them, stirring drama about that couple would be a mistake but here, where we know none of the players...seems like it should be a SAFE place to get this off your chest and move on. I am sorry. Perhaps the scolders were feeling defensive about their fragile relationships. I would imagine there are just as many who thought the same about other situations and were wrong. After all it is only an opinion. Right or wrong the tragedy is another broken marriage.

It is sad that by speaking your mind, you are no longer friends with this woman. she probably could use one.

chi, I'll sit with you in your grief. It's really hard when someone you love is going down that path and there's nothing you can do.

I lost a friend one time because I spoke up about a relationship that bothered. I could have remained quiet, but then I wouldn't have thought I was being a good friend.

I don't go to many weddings, but most of our friends have had long term marriages.

I was scolded for attending, partaking in the reception, etc. I never thought the marriage would work, but DH and I did accept the invitation -- the 'diplomatic' thing to do. (Per Elmer! LOL) When we accepted I could not have anticipated arriving at the hotel a few hours before the ceremony to find the groom in the bar, half sloshed. Worst for me was watching the teen and young adult children witness vows each parent had previously broken with their other parent.

The bride's family didn't find the groom trustworthy. They thought her first DH was a mistake, too -- in her late 20s. I have a theory about why she picks 'em like she does. My mail order license in psychology doesn't qualify me to say.

Elizabeth -- We are still friends with the bride. We, and her family, are very relieved to see the end of this man, and this farce. (They were together for five years.)

But truth be said, sometimes our personal inadequacies affect judgement. My childhood bestie had a BF whom she married. As a "friend" I told her he wasn't right for her and it pretty much ended the special friendship. She's been married almost 40 years to the guy and in retrospect I realize the guy wasn't right for me. You see, I was terribly jealous of losing my friend to him, which ultimately happened but not b/c of him but b/c of ME. Keeping mouth shut is best policy unless physical violence.

(((sylvia))) I was worried you were going there. I'm so sorry. I'm content you know that nothing you would've done would've helped her and don't feel regret over the wrong things (e.g. kicking yourself for not doing more. You really couldn't have). Hugs, hugs, hugs to you!

Sylvia's late friend sounds like an incest victim or other victim of prior abuse who was pre-programmed by this to be attracted to another abuser, stay with them until the situation killed her.

Of course she might also have died of cancer or heart disease etc.

Whatever the details Sylvia did about all she could do for the other woman.

I am conflicted about this scenario.

Often it may be beast, [["best" ... drat that keyboard/those fingers?]] and easy, to let sleeping dogs lie.

But ... if it were my kid, I'd want to offer some concerns, diplomatically, and beginning with just a hint, with some encouragement to delve into the subject more deeply, if desired.

When I love my friend, I feel that I'd want to at least hint at my feelings/concerns/misgivings, diplomatically expressed and with encouragement to deal with the issue more extensively, if desired.

And, whatever the situation, to assure the person of my deep love for her/him and the assurance that I would continue to love them and want them to remember that I'd always be available, should they have need.

ole joyful

A classmate graduated and moved to the coast. Met a man at work, fell in love and married him. The day she came home with the good news that she was pregnant, he collapsed and had to be institutionalized. When she talked to her workmates, they told her that they had known he had been in and out of mental institutions for years. When she asked them why they had not told her, they said they felt she would not listen to them. Probably she wouldn't have as she was really boy crazy in school, but at least that would be her informed decision. They divorced.

I know an elderly married couple who are a joy to be around. They still have a sparkle in their eye when they talk to each other . They are warm, affectionate and happy after more than 50 years of marriage. I always find them inspiring. I learned recently that they eloped while in High School which met with very strong parental objection. Family and friends were horrified and demanded an immediate annulment or divorce. At that time, their marriage was legal in the state they ran off to. They didn't even reveal their marriage for nearly a year, but continued to live at their individual parent's homes. When the time came to choose separate colleges, they had to 'fess up. They struggled and were broke and yes, everyone predicted doom and gloom. They triumphed.

Moral of the story: You really never know how it is all gonna turn out.

The couple about whom I wrote might have had a chance if they had not married. Her RC family didn't like him, yet couldn't stand that they were 'living in sin'. He -- obviously -- never wanted to marry her.

chisue, I find that overly religious and overbearing people of all affiliations can have trouble keeping what they think to be especially blessed (and thus universally valid) opinions to themselves. If two adults in middle age were coerced to do what they didn't want to do by meddlesome relatives, I don't think religion is the problem for the mistakes that were made. Unless there's more to this part of the story.

New episode of the British version of the Antiques Roadshow TV program last night had one woman with keepsakes of a predecessor's happy romance with what turned out to be an Arctic explorer from a famous expedition. Anyway the fun couple wanted to marry but her family put the kibosh on it and they never did.

Decades later a button commemorating the expedition that he gave her, that has passed down to the woman that brought it on the show (along with photos of the couple enjoying themselves while undertaking various pursuits) is now worth 10,000 pounds ($15,000 US?).

Apparently somebody thinks the guy and what he accomplished was worthwhile.