I think it is never wrong to do a kind thing, but in this case, I would wait. She is so deep in the loss of her daughter right now, no doubt, that it might even seem kind of cheesy to be presented with a gift. I'd definitely go to the funeral or service ,if there is one and send a card. Really just be a friend there for her if she needs an ear or a shoulder.

I'd revisit the phone thing in six months to a year.

I'd wait a little while but then I'd call and tell her you have unexpectedly discovered a little extra cash and that it would give you great happiness if you could share it with her - a dear friend. Be prepared ahead of time to let her know the amount - you don't want any confusion to arise. However if you're thinking of a large amount that could change the relationship.

It's so kind of you to want to help a dear friend with some financial assistance. You could take her to lunch and broach the idea that you'd love to share some of your unexpected inheritance with her, as you have no need for the entire amount you inherited and would love to see some of it gifted to someone you know and care for deeply, as it would make you happy to see it go to good use.

Is she still working?

Maybe you will think this is a wierd idea but if someone is grieving and busy and short on funds I would worry if they were eating properly. Maybe healthy delivered meals?

If you worried about giving as being weird, worrying and giving healthful food items during a time of grief and a busy life would be a nice friendly thing to do.

Can you find out indirectly if she can cover funeral costs? If she can't then I would suggest helping her.

I think that sounds like a wonderful thing to do.

If you can, I would set up the fund first before talking to her about it so she can't feel weird about accepting it since it is a done deal (maybe call a credit union or bank near her for advice) and then get her a note or a card w/ the info on it and just explain that you got a generous inheritance from someone who would want you to pay it forward to someone who matters to you.

For now, I would probably offer to provide a cell phone. If your provider offers a Friends & Family program it might be something that you can easily do where you manage the payments. That would eliminate the awkward issues surrounding giving her cash.

Grieving people tend to isolate themselves which can spiral into depression. I would tell her you'd like to make it easy for her to stay connected with friends and loved ones in the coming months. When my mother died I would often get a "Thinking of you" message from friends or cousins living away. Those check-ins meant a lot. I can think of many reasons why having a cell phone would benefit her right now. It would also be something that can be arranged to run for a specific time, unlike providing cash.

You are a very thoughtful caring person to think to do something like this.

Oly, What a wonderful thing to do. I would just add her to my cell phone plan, as I have done for a friend. You may get a great price on a phone for adding a new participant. I'd gently ask her about services for her daughter, and see if she can handle the funeral finances, if she is having one. She may not be planning one due to costs.

This is the most inspiring thing I've read today.

How lovely of you! Generally it is a bit easier for people to accept something, rather than money per se. I mean, for example, paying off someone's car or mortgage. it also avoids the tension that can arise when you give someone money and (even though it's a gift) you end up disappointed with how they choose to use it. Probably not in this case, but as a general rule. In any event, it's a wonderful gesture and probably something you will enjoy doing more than any other expenditure.

What others and Mtn have said. Sometimes when you give people money, (especially salt of the earth types) they will turn around and give it to someone else they think is more in need, not spend it on themselves. Giving some things that will ease her life or paying some bills will ensure that she actually benefits from the gifts, unlike money which can get lost or diluted in some cases.

Thanks, everyone, for your perspectives. I just didn't want to talk with my other friends about this because I won't want anyone to know, so it's nice to have an anonymous "group think" about this.

I should have been more detailed. The gift idea wasn't precipitated by her situation around the death of her daughter, just that I had a much more intimate and detailed conversation with her because of that event and learned more about her financial situation (like casually telling me she couldn't afford a cell phone, even if one of her kids added to their plan). I'll look into adding her to mine and getting her a phone. She uses a prepaid one now and I was able to load some minutes onto it for her using the internet, as she was out and I knew she'd need them during this time. If I decide to gift her $ it doesn't have to be right now, just that I am newly thinking about it.

Her daughter took care of her own arrangements, so that's covered. And I'll be traveling to the services and back there again as often as I can, just to be there for her. She has other children (all grown) and many grandchildren, and they are all hurting over this, but I know they will help each other through it.

I don't want to pry into her financial situation to see if there are bills to pay, (I don't think so), but I suspect her old car is paid for and I think her living situation is secure. I would just want her to have access to $ for extras and I'd never know what she spent the $ on, nor would i care. It's a gift and it's hers to do what she wishes with it. I hope she'd travel a little to visit her other kids and maybe come see me! She is not the type to squander it, but if she used any of it to help her kids and that gave her pleasure, that's the perfect use as far as I'm concerned.

Thanks again for your thoughts and helping me think this through.

Oh, well with the new information I would say that it is probably likely that she would spend it on her kids or grandkids. I know a lot of people like her and that's what they would do. My SO is a case in point. I make sure I know that any money that passes between us goes to some specific thing for him. Nothing wrong with his kid, but he give and gives to that person and he deserves someone giving to HIM as well!

Like I said recently in another thread, the world needs all the nice people it can hold. How nice of YOU! Having said that, just be prepared for the possibility of your relationship with your friend to change. I hope it doesn't but often times when someone is given a gift of this nature and magnitude, it changes the dynamic of the relationship in a not so positive way.

Track phone has no contract smart phones. No iPhones but some decent samsungs I think. You could gift her a prepaid phone with 1500 texts, minutes and mega bite for less than $ 200 dollars and have minutes added automatically to your charge card monthly for very little money. You could give it to her so she can call you whenever she needs a friend and I assume she might need a friend often.

my thoughts are with you both.

I'm sorry to read about your friend's passing. I think it's wonderful you want to help and I believe nice things like this pop into our heads for a reason. Lots of good advice above. Definitely follow through. It's also nice to read that you're viewing it as a gift and it's hers to do what she pleases with no strings attached.

LPM, not sure that she'd spend too much on her family, but what a joy it might be for her to be able to do it if she wanted, because she's never been able to.

Monica, that is exactly my hesitation...if I could give it to her anonymously, I would, but she'd know. I do think if we talked about it (she knows of my inheritance) and my attitude that this isn't really MY money, but money I can and do use to make my life and others' lives more comfortable. I kind of feel like the middleman(woman) for it.

Roarah, I'll look into that as well as adding her to my plan -see which is a better deal. I kind of don't really want any ongoing financial ties tho, as I think that might foster that weirdness of gifter/recipient more than just a one time gift that she has complete control over.

Thanks, Sheeisback, that's exactly how I feel. I just don't feel ownership of the $. And she is not someone who's going to blow it at a casino or something.

One of my son's former girlfriends was terrible with money and always lamenting her lack of it (she never asked me for any, tho). She decided to file bankruptcy on a pretty small amount of credit card debt, which was a stupid financial decision and kind of dishonest, I thought. Then she celebrated by buying herself a Brazilian waxing! My head about exploded. If she'd ever asked me for $ or a loan, you can be sure I'd have had all kinds of judgements about what she used the $ for!

ETA: Justerrilyn - meals are a great idea, but she has terrible health problems that restrict her food choices, so I don't think that would work.

Several more ideas to throw out there: You could make a memorial donation in your friend's (also your friend's daughter) honor, perhaps supporting a health care facility that cared for her, or to a disease foundation if that is appropriate. Also, you could invite her to spend a few days with you after (what may be sad) Holidays, sending her the travel tickets to join you; and then use the time together to plan a brief summer getaway together. You could ask her to come with you as a treasured companion, suggesting she would also be doing you a favor to travel with you.

IMO, money should only be given as a gift if you truly don't care at all what the recipient will do with the money, whether it be blowing it at a casino, spending it on something frivolous, or throwing it out a window.

I just had a recent similar situation with a friend whom I love dearly. Her Ipad broke and she's in rehab and has nothing. My daughter works for Apple and she suggested I say she got a new Ipad as a bonus and is gifting it to my friend. My friend is the godmother of my daughter. I did just that, my gf messaged my daughter praising her thoughtfulness and all of us are settled and ssshhhhhh. In actuality there was no bonus and she and I paid for the Ipad but no need for my friend to know. I think it's beautiful that you want to share with your friend. Do it, it will lift her spirits and you can chit chat easier.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's daughter. It is so kind and thoughtful of you to want to help her financially, and I think adding her to your phone plan is a wonderful gesture.

thanks smiling, those are also good ideas; my opportunity to vacation is limited and I think she would probably only travel to see her other kids/grandkids. I know she won't be insulted or anything about a gift of cash, I just want it to benefit her and not be weird between us, but the more I write this out and listen to other ideas, I think it will be fine. And she'd be honest with me if it would be too hard for her to accept the gift.

jellytoast, I agree 100%; I do know that if I thought someone was going to gamble the $ I wouldn't be considering giving it to her. But if she does a 180 in her personality and habits and gambles it away, it's hers to do with what she wishes.

yayagal, that's a nice story. You and your daughter are cut from the same cloth.

there is a woman in my area whose family is very wealthy and she receives money in excess of what she needs for herself (likely from a trust). She periodically entrusts $ to other people in the community to give away to whatever/whoever they believe is worthwhile. Once, after my husband died (years before my inheritance), one of my close friends was given a portion of the $ to pass along and she paid for a year of college for me, as a returning student. Out of the blue, stranger to stranger via mutual friend. I think all of us were enriched by the transaction. I'm happy to be able to pay something forward.

Agree, can you put her on your cell plan?

Rather than setting up a bank account, I would "gift" her as things come up (e.g., needed car repair, vacation, etc.)

Once, after my husband died (years before my inheritance), one of my close friends was given a portion of the $ to pass along and she paid for a year of college for me, as a returning student. Out of the blue, stranger to stranger via mutual friend. I think all of us were enriched by the transaction. I'm happy to be able to pay something forward.

Oly, simply repeat this story to your friend.

eld6161, good idea. I think she probably knew about it but it's been many years, so a reminder and an offer to pay it forward might be perfect.

mdln, I don't want to be in her day to day business, so would never know when a bill came up and she'd have to ask me for $, which I don't want, nor would she. I'd rather the $ just be hers, as well as the decisions to spend it.

Sorry, did not read your post carefully, thought she was someone you had more frequent contact with. Understand now how an account makes more sense.

I think it is a great idea.

At one time I did consulting work for an internationally known association that gets huge donations and does all kind of fundraisers to help prevent/cure a type of medical condition. I was SHOCKED by the things they spent $$$ on and the waste that occurred.

I now encourage local, personal charity. At work we are planning holiday gifts for our local senior center groups. We are also finding out what foods our local animal rescue/shelter uses, so we can buy them cases of food.

Your kindness is a great example of personal giving.

I was SHOCKED by the things they spent $$$ on and the waste that occurred.

Mdln, I totally agree. This is why I prefer food and clothing drives, or directly volunteering my time.

My sister had a friend who was a nurse. Each year she gave a nursing scholarship to a student in need. She knew exactly where the money was going and what a great idea.

I think it's a wonderful and generous idea/ Just make it really clear to your friend that it is in fact a gift and not a loan and that you don't expect to be paid back.

The other thing is that many are too proud to accept any sort of help whether it be financial or time. If you're friend is like that then perhaps make the offer in terms of it being a way of helping her stay in touch with her family such as a cell phone or computer.

Does she have a computer? Is there any way of perhaps bundling a cell phone, tv and computer or is that being too nosy.

I think it's all a wonderful idea, do you think she would interpret the receipt of the cell phone as an indication that she should be spending time on it with you? If so, with that be good or bad?

Yes I would ... I think you should. You seem to have the right attitude and heart about this. What a blessing it could be to your friend and I feel you would present this in the right way to her and never make her feel "beholding". (You just have to hope that she never does feel that way, because that is when relationships change. )

I don't know how "prideful" she is ..I know that I always felt indebted to people who have helped me in the past ..

I would tell her that so and so upgraded their phone and I can't cancel the contract ...So I have this extra phone with so many minutes that I don't want to go to waste..Could you use it ? She may realize in 2 years that the phone is still going strong,but that's another day.

You know, I use a prepaid phone also -- it is a smartphone but not a high end one or this years model, that is perfectly adequate and only cost $20 on Amazon. I don't need to watch movies or play games on it. No contract is actually a big plus for someone living on a budget. Rather than try to get her onto your plan, get her a better phone from the provider she prefers (if she needs one) and a bunch of minutes -- they even sell unlimited 1 year cards. Tell her that you had coupons, couldn't pass up the great deal, and thought of her -- or something like that. That way, she isn't tied to you for the phone's continuing use (because what if something happens to you down the road?)

I would treat her to things that she can't afford. Take her out to dinner or to a show, or even a little getaway.

Giving money makes me itch. Would you get upset if she squandered it or made choices that you didn't intend?

Most of all, I think it would change the dynamic of your relationship irretrievably.

Your thoughts are so kind, and she's lucky just to have you in her life.

Thank you all for such considered and considerate of her feelings responses. I did just give the example of the phone as something she was unable to afford - she has a trac fone but had run out of minutes and because it was the end of the month (and using it more because of her daughter's illness). But the need is greater than a phone or minutes.

I don't live close enough to easily or frequently treat her to things, nor know what she needs. Her kids might clue me in, but I don't want them to know. I just hate the thought that she's going without some things because of $ when I have extra $ that could make her life easier. We are not in frequent contact (birthday notes and cards, Christmas greetings, weddings and funerals, etc.), so I don't really think it would change our dynamic that much. And frankly, if it made her life easier but things changed a bit between us, I'd be ok with that, I think. I will have to have a frank conversation with her about the possibilities, though, having read all your comments. And, of course, if she is adamantly opposed, it won't happen.

I also thought that maybe I could just send her a stipend that she could count on, like a $500 monthly deposit into her account and make sure my son continues it, should I die first (or just leave her $ in my will).

thanks again everyone. This has been very helpful to my thinking about it.

Oly, your gesture is amazing.

Many years ago I was the recipient of a generous gift (not as generous as you're offering, however!) and it meant so much to me. It literally made me able to sleep at night knowing I had some security. I suspect your friend would be very grateful if you told her that you love her and you want to share your good fortune with her. If you're as close as you say, she wouldn't be offended. It sounds as if your offer is one that would help her just to meet the little luxuries (a cell phone, internet service, a cushion for car repairs) that too many of us take for granted. It will make a huge difference for her and to have that burden of worrying about the next bit of mail that comes in or unexpected expense can ease her mind tremendously.

You're an inspiration. Thank you for being a good friend to her.

Yes, you are an inspiration and that is a really kind thing to do! If you decide to go the stipend route and you are able to discuss it with her, perhaps you commit to a time frame -- perhaps a number of years, at which point you could revisit it. The only reason I suggest that is that you don't know what your own future needs are, and should you end up requiring home care, etc. it can quickly drain even large resources (especially if you want to stay in your own home). That way hopefully she would not count on it forever -- but enjoy the buffer and support it provides while you are able. Apologies for the suggestion if the scope of finances is such that this is just not a concern. I was just reading something today that said J.K. Rowling is no longer on the list of billionaires -- but its because she has given away so much of her money. Hopefully we are all able to support our friends and enjoy their company; being able to help out financially is an extra bonus. Bless you!

Oly, from your latest post, I think you have decided what to do and it sounds perfect. I think it is a wonderful thing for you to do. What a great friend you are to know you are making your friend's life a little easier. I would do as mentioned and tell the story and how you want to pay it forward.

Olychick...may blessings be poured on you. I got tears in my eyes just reading of your generosity. You have been given so many wonderful suggestions for making your friend's life better. Is her vehicle a reliable one? If not, perhaps you could get her a better one...and is her home in good repair? Maybe the two of you could get away for a short cruise? Deposits into her account would be a wonderful guesture. This world would be a much better place to live if more would be as kind as you.

Neetsie, thanks for telling your experience; I'm hoping that this is exactly how it would be for her.

HB, that is a good point about the future; I'll have to think about that. I think I would feel really bad to do it for a number of years and then have to cut her off. Might just be better to give her a chunk o change and then she can decide how quickly to use it up. Then maybe I'll change my will and if she outlives me and isn't on Medicaid herself (an inheritance would goof that up), leave her a bit more.

Thanks tina. I think because the $ never has really felt like "mine" because I didn't earn it or save it, I feel sort of like the steward of the money and need to figure out where it should go besides to me.

eta: phoggie, we must have been posting at the same time, thank you for the additional ideas.

Olychick; you mention that if she is on medicaid, that would mess up an inheiritance. It may be similar and/or connected, but if she is on SSI, (not SSDI) - as you said she has a lot of health issues - there is only a limited amount of money in the bank or income stream one can have. Also, if she qualifies for low income entitlements, a stipend could count against her or eliminate her from fuel assistance, food stamps, etc, and for some programs a car can also only be of low value. In my community, seniors with low income can apply to work in the town for a tax deduction....there could be other ramifications....Just wanted to throw this out.

Yes, thanks Gramarows for that reminder. I'm pretty sure she is on SS from her ex husband's earnings...she worked off and on outside the home in her later years but not long enough to have gotten her own benefits, I don't believe. I'm going to check with her though and try to make sure she's getting all she's entitled to. He is a real richardhead (figure that out!) but I don't think he could have prevented her from getting that SS $. He cheated her out of the community property, so he's part of the problem and I hope she's getting that $ from SS.

Oly, I was referring to low-income disability. So from what you say, she likely wouldn't be eligible for SSDI, the disability one could qualify for on one's own income contribution which has no income/asset limitations. As far as qualifying for her ex husband's SS, if she was eligible for full social security, married 10 or more years, and applied for her husbands benefit by the April 2016 deadline she may be receiving it, but that benefit was eliminated this year, and those of us who were counting on being able to suspend our own benefits, continue to work and collect that money but were not yet full retirement age when it ended are out of luck.

Oly, what you are doing for your friend is wonderful and generous. I read this the other day and haven't had time to respond til now, but it nearly made me cry to think of her and her circumstances, especially in the loss of her daughter, and what she must have been going through. That she had a lifeline in you at this time is so heartwarming. If you do more than just the cell phone, I am certain it will be needed and welcome. I hope you can figure out how to continue to support her, at least for a short term, in a way that is comfortable to both of you and your families. Blessings to you.

Richardhead! LOL

I know! My DH uses the term 'Richard Cranium' all the time. Cracks me up.

Funny!

Gramarows, I didn't know about that change in the SS laws. I wonder how many divorced women who were stay at home moms for many years are going to be surprised by that change? I hadn't heard a thing about it (atho it has no effect on my situation). Too many guys having too many ex wifes or something?

I spent the last 20+ years of my career in a law office helping people access gov't benefits, so I'm pretty savvy about the diff between SSI and SSD and SS retirement, but thanks for your input. I don't think my friend would qualify for anything but retirement on his account, so I'm hoping that's what she's getting, but I'll check.

Thanks Outside..I'm so blessed to be in this position!

In addition to tracphone minutes you could send grocery store gift cards, the occasional clothing store gift card or Target card, etc. My Mom did that when I was in my early 20s and far from home and it was a relief to know that I had a grocery money, phone minutes, gas, etc. there were many times it allowed me to save money from my paycheck and it helped me get ahead instead of living check to check. Now and then she'd send one like a restaurant card or for someplace strictly for fun or to treat myself. :)

VedaBeeps (I do love your screen name!) that is a great idea, especially if I find she's on SSI, which limits her ability to accumulate assets over a certain amount. I hadn't thought of those and now am thinking of even visa gift cards that she could use anywhere. Very helpful idea!