If it's a child, the child is living with the parents making it a different situation.

Will she do more activities with the improved vision. Will she read more. walk more, take part in more activities, be more pleasant.

Can you hire an extra companion or aid to care for her during the recovery. Will the ALF allow you to do that.

My mom is 87, with dementia and a very rigid personality and will be in a memory care facility next month. They do allow the family to hire extra care on a short term basis.

My question for the doctor would be what further complications would there be if she is uncooperative during the recovery period? How much greater will the risk of infection be? What else would go wrong with this? Would it lead to more surgery? I am sorry, it is a tough place to be.

I would probably lean a bit more towards patriceny's views. I went though dementia with my grandmother, who passed away earlier this year @ 98. One thing I question, will the surgery itself (leaving the facility, etc.) be traumatic for your MIL? My grandmother got to the point where the ALF was her safe place. She got to where she would not even leave to come to my or my sister's homes. It IS a very difficult decision. Is her eyesight greatly diminished at this point? Are the ALF staff going to do the drops - when my dad had cataract surgery I remember he had printed directions for multiple drops in his eyes. I will second (again) what Patriceny said - it's a brutally difficult situation. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

It is difficult to have to make these decisions for others. I am of the mind that given her advanced age, medical condition and chance of a successful recovery, that you should let nature take its course. Just because we CAN intervene in something doesn't mean we should. It's sad to think that her eyesight is one of her last remaining senses that you believe enhances her life and she is losing it. I try to think of other scenarios to help me get a perspective...if her kidneys failed, would you put her on dialysis? If she stopped eating, would you have a feeding tube for her? I know those aren't exactly the same, but it might be something to help you see that at some point we have to let things be how they are.

I'm sorry for her and for her family. Lucky she is to have you.

I would be on the side of not doing it. Surgery is very hard on elderly bodies as it is. If she's not complaining, I think the risk is probably higher than any reward.

I can only imagine that suffering from cataracts will make your MIL's disposition much worse. Imagine being rigid and demented and not seeing well? I understand the problem of medical compliance and I guess it may not be simple to medicate your MIL into compliance- but without a doubt- I think that is the avenue you should pursue.

With respect to the doctor expressing doubts about performing the operation on your MIL, I would caution you to consider what her/his incentives are. Are success rates for the procedure important to ratings and/or reimbursements for the doc?

I understand the posters who say its better to forgo the operation because of personal experiences where in hindsight an operation was deemed unnecessary and too troublesome for the patient- but without a doubt I am in the camp that takes a parental view of the duty here and from the OP I gather the operation is worthwhile.

Also, it may be worthwhile to look into working with a gerontologist.

To be clear. I took these words seriously in forming my reply:

"She is physically very healthy but has dementia and layered on top an extremely stubborn and rigid personality (which is one reason she ended up an ALF but that's a different post ;)."

It does not appear that this woman is falling apart at the seams- just that she is a serious PIA who makes everything hard on everyone around her.

She is blind in that eye now, but she is watching TV and doing crossword puzzles, presumably using the other eye? Could you delay a decision on the surgery until the surgery is absolutely necessary to avoid total blindness?

" However, the dr who had to sign the medical clearance did so extremely reluctantly because he feels-probably correctly-that with her diminished reasoning capacity and personality she is most likely unable to cooperate in the recovery process, ie she will be rubbing the eye, removing the eye protective cover etc."

Do you think the Dr. is right here? What is his opinion based on? Do you trust him?

I haven't read the responses and my own response is definitely influenced by some current events in my own life. With that said, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. At ninety two your aunt has lived a very full life and even though she's seemingly very healthy, the immune system of a senior is very fragile. If under the circumstance the doctor is more apt to leave her be, I would probably follow his or her lead. They are after all in the business of healing and improving one's quality of life. If the doctor feels the risks of her having a successful recovery are too high, I would trust the doctor's voice of experience or at least seek a second opinion first before proceeding. I'm sorry your in such a difficult situation, caring for loved ones is never easy. Regardless of what you finally decide to do, I hope your aunt does well and continues to be healthy.

I just think that one of the biggest reasons that the elderly withdraw socially and from life is because of the simple fact that diminished senses make it harder to engage. I'd hate to see her eyesight get worse and render her unable to do what she does now.

That is why I am in favor. Couple that with a surgery that is done outpatient and is relatively quick and simple (AFAIK), and I think on balance I would go ahead. If it were me I would hope someone would look past my disabilities and make sure I kept my sight.

Will someone be able to put several drops in her eyes several times a day? I would be concerned about that.

Will she resist having the drops that are needed after the surgery? Will she be able to cooperate during the procedure itself -- does she understand what will be happening? If she is in assisted living it sounds like she is fairly functional still -- does she want the surgery?

If she has adequate vision in her other eye for her TV and puzzles does she really need it? If she is very likely to resist proper care, then I would not go forward. But, if her other eye has poor vision, and she will take the drops with some coaxing and can be monitored that first night to keep the eye shield on, then I might go ahead. How does she behave in a similar situation? Does she pick at something till it bleeds? is she distractable?

Sedating someone at that age is tricky, even those that have been healthy are very easy to push over the edge into severe trouble.

When my mother had her first stroke (which caused her dementia), she already had the cataract surgery in the works, so we went forward with it. At that point she was still able to understand the benefit and cooperate, because she also loved to read and watch TV. We didn't realize that the stroke had also robbed her of her interest/ability to read a book. Some months later, though, after subsequent small strokes her dementia was much worse and she would not have been able to cooperate or benefit that much -- she fought many aspects of her daily care. So, at that point I wouldn't have made the same choice.

What a dilemma! I don't envy you for having to make it. In the past two years my own DH has had to have surgery on both eyes, separately, for cataracts. So, I've lived with that recovery process, but with someone who had all his mental faculties intact. On the other hand, I've seen my recently deceased father and my family who lived near him, deal with his dementia and all the consequences of it, including being mentally unable to follow medical directions. He was also in the memory care unit at a fine ALF the last 9 months of his life.

Having worked in the medical field myself for over 25 years, I totally understand a physician's reluctance to ok surgery of that kind on an extremely elderly person with dementia. He's correct in being concerned about your MIL, in her current mental state, pulling off the bandages, rubbing her eyes . . . which could easily blind her in that eye as well.

Hiring round-the-clock personal care workers to watch her would still not guarantee that they could catch her hands in time to avoid a disaster. Been there with my own mother. We had good, experienced, very kind and caring private caregivers hired 24-7 for her for another medical problem, and not dementia. But they can't sit there, non-stop, knee-to-knee with her the entire time. And believe me, just turning aside to grab a glass of water or a tissue for Mom, and she actually popped out of her chair a number of times, and onto the floor. It was not their fault!

There's also the option of strapping her into a wheelchair and tying her hands down. And then sedating her. Without sedation, being a fairly strong woman, she could easily injure her wrists puling against the cloth ties. Not a good thing. And, getting the right meds with the right dosage for a person with dementia is not just a matter of the right amount for the age and weight of a person. It is so complicated and really a matter of trial and error. Do you have that kind of time with your MIL? I know that with my father, it took many tries, and it still needed to be adjusted all the time. In between adjustments, my father fell many times, and tried to walk out of the ALF in the middle of the night thinking that he was going to work! He pulled my mother out of her wheelchair, not recognizing her. He occasionally became combative on some meds.

Dealing with an elderly person with dementia is exhausting. Trying to keep an elderly patient with dementia from hurting herself unintentionally after such a delicate surgery would be a nightmare, unless they snowed her with meds to knock her out, and tied down her hands. (Edited to add, that this is not something I would have wanted for my own parents). That's just my personal take on it.

Just adding my personal experience - my maternal grandfather had Alzheimer's. Needed gallbladder surgery and was worse afterwards. He died within two months, which was a blessing considering his condition. Before surgery he was healthy in all other respects. We were told his reaction to the anesthesia was the cause.

Good luck making the decision. I know it's tough.

How exactly will her vision problem be fixed? Will she have both nearsighted and farsighted correction, or does her eye mean that she would have to have one or the other? What are her expectations? How long do you think it will take for her to adjust to her new vision?

Anesthesia can exacerbate Alzheimer's. If the doctor is reluctant, I'd also be reluctant to go ahead with the surgery.

I am very sorry for your circumstances. I have been in similar situations with my FIL and quite recently with my father.

This post is,emotionally, very difficult for me to read and respond to. I would not have the surgery in the circumstances you describe. They will need to restrain her hands for the recovery period. It will be very upsetting for her. It will be very upsetting for those who love her. Sitting at my father's side, with his hands restrained, with him chafing at those restraints, with him intubated and not understanding is one of my most painful memories. I am happy that at that point my siblings had not yet arrived and I am the only one who had to see him that way.

Most likely they will need to give her drugs to try to keep her calm. It will, in my experience, be a downward spiral. This is why the doctor was reluctant to sign. He signed to make the family happy not because he believes it is the best thing to do, again, my opinion.

Anesthesia for cataract surgery is usually not putting a patient totally under. My DH had an IV , with something to relax him and then a local to the eye itself both times (Ugh!).

This is a difficult decision, and I think I would listen to the doctor. I just don't see how much her quality of life might be improved versus the risk/upset that the surgery might cause your MIL.

My heart goes out to you and your family. My dad has dementia and many other health problems, and it is very difficult to watch his decline.

A lot of good points and questions have been raised here. It is very difficult to offer an appropriate opinion without knowing more about her condition and available after - care options. Having said this, it seems she still enjoys activities requiring decent sight.

Both my husband and I have had cataract surgery for both eyes. I was so glad to have it done, the impediment to sight was very frustrating, and it is a minor outpatient procedure. True enough, caution is required for some days afterwards and sets of drops are required for a couple of weeks. Only a topical gel anaesthetic was used which I am allergic to, so I opted not to have it the second time. No IVs or meds other than drops and no pain or discomfort. I was back to work in less than two days.

On balance, if the answers to the questions indicate that the procedure and her care may be manageable, I would tend to go for the surgery and quality of life.

Dementia is such an unpredictable and scary affliction. My grandfather had lewy body dementia-- he had one episode when he was having a procedure that caused a violent reaction and he ended being restrained. He was *certain* until the day he died that one of my nephews was one of the men "attacking" him and he was the one who had restrained him-- he couldn't understand why my nephew would do that to him. Of course, he didn't. My nephew wasn't there. Of all the many episodes and experiences that were heart breaking-- that was the worst.

I understand the desire to do what you can to make her life most comfortable-- to allow her to get enjoyment where she can but the reality is that dementia can't be predicted and you don't know how her mind will react to the fear of having a procedure done. It could be fine.. or it could be devastating and have lasting effects on her well being and sense of security, safety and self. I would be very concerned about doing anything out of the normal routine.

It seems like the whole ordeal could be torture for her. I don't think I would put her through it particularly in light of her doctor's take on it which does seem reasonable.

Cataract surgery is now a pretty easy procedure and the patient is not totally anesthetized. I was pretty much awake during it all, but she may need more sedation so she does not act out. Perhaps afterward you could put braces on her arms that prevent her from bending her elbows and touching her eyes. I would hate to see her lose her only pleasures in life if she were to lose vision in the good eye. Chances are if she has a cataract in one eye, she will soon have one in the other eye. Good luck to you.

I've had cataract surgery and still have bad eyesight, but the problems associated with the surgery were resolved. I cannot imagine going blind even in one eye, particularly if my limited activities were sight-dependent. Whether or not someone else should have the surgery is not a decision I want to make, but I did wonder how long post-surgery eye rubbing should be avoided (I couldn't remember my instructions) during which the OP's MIL might need to be restrained or medicated.

"Q. After cataract surgery and the insertion of an artificial
lens, can a person rub or massage the closed eye with a finger to
relieve an itch, etc.? If so, must one be careful doing this for the
rest of his life? — K.D.

A. You have to be careful for the first four to six months
after surgery, but after that a light rub to relieve an itch is not a
problem. This also depends on what occurred at the time of surgery
(i.e., any difficulties or complications, etc.). — Dr. Slonim"

Four to six months is a long time to be restrained or medicated.

Is this a procedure she has requested? Does she understand that she is scheduled for it, or is this simply what her family thinks would help her? That said, my own Mother was put into an ALF this year. She has some senile dementia, bit is still able to make most decisions for herself. She is tired of living and waiting to die, as sad as that sounds. Diagnosed with an inoperable lung mass behind her heart, she refused the biopsy that would have been done through the esophagus. She was widowed 35 years ago and lived alone in her house all these years. She is 86 years old. There are a lot of older people that do not want medical procedures done. You have a difficult decision to make, but I would think long and hard about what her wishes would be if she was able to think clearly. My Mom fell and broke her arm this weekend. If my SIL hadn't texted me this info, I would have never known. When I called and asked her how was doing she told me she was fine, along with, "Well, I am still here.".

I would want to, as it sounds you do, but I probably would not. I lost my mom after surgery to set a broken hip -- something that had to be done or she would be confined to a bed and be in terrible pain when moved to be dressed, bathed, cleaned or even moved to prevent bed sores. She had Alzheimer's and her surgeon and anesthesiologist took extra time to confer about the medication she would receive -- and it paid off. She came out no worse pther than the expected pain at her surgery site. That was the good news.

The bad news was that the PT didn't go that well and about the time she was considered stabalizing, she got a GI infection. It weakened her and the medication for the infection made food taste bad so she wouldn't eat. She weakened further. About the time the medication was finished and she started to eat, the infection returned. Her system and her resolve shut down. Prior to the fracture, she'd been in very good health - just with Alzheimer's.

In her case, the surgery was necessary to her having any quality of life. Without it, her remaining life would have been torture and she wouldn't have understood why. In your aunts case, the surgery is elective. Having a successful recuperation could be torture though. Retraints, sedation, constant monitoring and hand grabbing, possible battles to get eye drops in, bandages. You are talking about a lot of time, money and risk as well as some difficult treatment for her all to combat what is a fairly normal part of aging. Ten or twenty years ago, it might have been a very different situation.

I think Voila raises a good question too -- is this something she has said she wants? Can she even understand what it entails?

"There's also the option of strapping her into a wheelchair and tying her hands down" - I think that may be illegal.

In our state, not just physical restraints, but using drugs is also considered a form of restraint.

I would not do it. Right now, her loss of vision isn't bothering her...it's bothering you.

If her mind is such, she won't realize that she can or can't see better and what her brain is able to process from her newly-acquired vision will be diminished as well. In fact the newly acquired sight and improved dimensional vision may be upsetting as it can completely change how she views and operates in the world. Changes of any sort can be upsetting to people with dementia.

If she is unable to cooperate with her recovery and you know in an ALF she will not be watched closely, then putting her through the surgery may be for naught or may even worsen if she damages her eye, starts picking and rubbing it leading to further injury and/or infection.

I remember DH's aunt with dementia and she would sit in a chair for hours picking at the arm of the chair. She managed to shred that thing in no time at all. You don't want the surgery to cause her to focus her attentions on that eye and trigger that kind of behavior.

If only in medicine there were an "undo" button so we could try it out, and if it doesn't work, go back.

Thanks for all the wise, caring and very thoughtful responses! I've read everything (twice) and you have given me such helpful feedback.

My mother in law is one of those difficult people who thinks she is easy....and she is as long as everything is done the way she wants! She has always been antisocial; when her husband died 18 years ago she decided that her happy life would be to stay in her house, seeing only immediate family and that is what she did. And I mean that; she had no friends, she had no hobbies, she had and has no desire to interact with anyone. She HATES anything to do with medicine or medical authority, and she also HATES acknowledging that as she has aged she needs to be careful. She has had 3 hip fractures and after fracture 2 she refused physical therapy leaving her with a severe walking disability--fracture 3 came when she fell outside her home and she also broke her wrist in that fall. The doctors put her in a soft/temporary wrist cast until surgery could be scheduled (to try to give her a better healing) and she couldn't and wouldn't leave the cast on. She simply kept taking it off until she had to have a hard cast just to keep from damaging the arm severely and permanently.

This was the point at which we had to place her in assisted living. Although we still hoped to keep her at home per her wishes (she lived 2 blocks from us and my husband and I were there 3 times/daily) we were told by our social worker that if she came into an ER with another fracture the doctors would be legally required to report it to the elder abuse hotline. It just goes on and on....she has long had eczema and would 'treat' it by rubbing bleach or alcohol on her skin--we would come over and find blood running down her legs. She was supposed to take hypertension medication but would only take it when she felt her heart racing because 'that's what medicine is for'. Ironically, after a year in the ALF she is in better physical shape than she has been in years! They give her the meds every day, her clothes and studio are cleaned regularly (the house had gotten pretty nasty and she wouldn't allow us to clean or hire anyone), she eats 3 healthy meals daily and they make her use her walker.

Hiring aides isn't an option as she only barely allows the ALF staff to come in her room as it is. They will give her the drops although the administrator said she was already complaining about it since they started them Sunday. She was given Ambien one time during a post-fracture rehab stint and it caused a severe mental breakdown; I was getting calls from her for almost a week begging and crying because she thought she was at home and being attacked. So the option of medicating her is one we won't consider. As for restraining her, in her mental condition that would be so cruel that I can't imagine doing it--she already thinks she is in 'a loony bin' because she hit her head while washing her windows. I could go on but mercifully will stop now

I think we will postpone this procedure. As some have said, in the future if her vision is completely impaired, and we feel restraints are necessary we can revisit the surgery. And we may need to because her almost-93-year old body is holding up amazingly well even if the mind isn't.

Running, I was initially hoping you would go ahead with the surgery as I thought it would maybe improve her quality of life but after reading your latest post, I see what you mean. You obviously have thought about this thoroughly, many times, and now made the right decision. You have really been through a lot with your Mom and there are many who can feel your pain through your words. As you say, you can revisit this decision later if you think things have changed.

runninginplace, I started a number of replies, got called away, and returned to find someone else had posted much of what I was trying to convey.

Having nursed my Mom over several years in her decline from Alzheimer's I'm now caring for my Dad who has suffered 2 falls, had internal bleeds from meds & procedures, and most recently required gall bladder surgery. I can empathize with the daunting task of making medical decisions for someone who isn't competent to evaluate the pros & cons.

I think you're making the right choice by not going forward with the operation. I'm sending good thoughts to you and your family. I hope you feel at peace with the tough decision.

Oh Running, I am so sorry for you. The issues we face with our aging parents are often heartbreaking and it sounds like you are getting an over ample serving. Peace be with you.

In my mind, based on the information you have provided and to go along with the medical advice you received from her doctor, you are making the right decision. Sometimes medical intervention is so cruel it is no longer kind. In addition based on her reaction to past medical issues, it doesn't seem like she would want the surgery if she were not suffering from dementia.

I have had four very elderly people in my life pass away in the past decade (three grandparents and one grandparent-in-law) and two very elderly people left (two 94-year-old women). Both the women are really ready to go, honestly. They are both strong, dynamic, interesting personalities with lots of social contacts and all their marbles intact but...they're ready. That said they are both taking care of their health.

I would say all four who passed away suffered at the end from being overly medicalized. They all to a person would have preferred to have died quietly at home but of course we don't always choose how we go. They all really minded being in hospital with the breathing apparatus and pacemakers and so on.

My grandfather who was in the worst shape mentally (severe vascular dementia) actually had the most peaceful passing as he was on a ward well-experienced with palliative care. They weren't shy with the morphine and respected his wishes for no intervention/resuscitation.

I think you've made a very sound choice, particularly after reading your second post.

As someone else said, you can always do this surgery at a later date if it becomes absolutely necessary.

With what you have added about her state of mind and behaviour, your decision to delay the surgery seems a wise choice. She is a very lucky lady to have such a caring family.

Running, your mother sounds a bit like mine. An OCD hermit, now that she is finally living in an ALF, she gets a dose of Seroquel each evening that seems to calm down her OCD tendencies and extreme restlessness. But of course, in my mother's case there are so many issues no drug could ever resolve. It's very sad to see her like this. I believe you are making the right decision, and I hope you experience a great deal of peace in knowing this. At some point, we have to let go.

For my mother, the kicker is that with her dementia, we have to explain things over and over again. She is in a continual state of confusion and denial because she can't remember the recent past and when we talk about why she is now in an ALF, she relives the sorrow of this outcome in a very intense way, then calms down, and then asks again. It's that "sundowning" thing. And yet, she refuses to talk with a professional or take even a slight interest in improving her life in little ways (like doing scheduled activities to meet people there). But she has been this way for far longer than her dementia. It's frustrating to deal with. I used to have panic attacks, but I've learned to detach myself and let the ALF take ownership. I have teenagers and young adult children who need me to be not depressed over my mom. I live far away (as do all of her children), and since she won't relocate, we are powerless. I am learning that there is no reasoning with her, I simply apologize that I cannot do more for her.

I am learning that the time is now to steel myself for aging: habits I want to change must go, I must focus on strengthening my family and friend relationships, take care of my body. Easier said then done! I need to learn to trust more, and pray more too. When I'm too old to do anything else, I can say a Rosary for whoever needs help.

I'm glad a decision was reached but sorry that it was a no-go based on her current situation with the dementia.

cupofkindness - I'm with you in that it is time to reassess who I am and look at what changes I need to make for the future as well. My mom won't accept any help, not even such things as helping her carry her groceries and not accepting help leads to problems. And I know that this is something I will have to learn to do when it becomes necessary. As much as I don't care for my MIL this is something that she does and she does it graciously.

"I am learning that the time is now to steel myself for aging: habits I want to change must go, I must focus on strengthening my family and friend relationships, take care of my body."

Yes! I find myself thinking this so often as I deal with my MIL. It helps/doesn't help (because it makes my MIL's attitude and life so much sadder) that I have the complete opposite situation in that my father, widowed very suddenly 6 months ago at 83 YO, is so upbeat, so determinedly cheerful and happy and forward looking.

The man has outlived 2 wives, been abandoned by a third, survived two tours of Vietnam, raised 10 children (6 bio, 4 steps) including several with severe drug/addiction issues. And yet every time I speak to him he tells me how blessed and lucky he is and what a good life he's had.

I think so often about how I can emulate him and not my MIL's kind of life. I think about how I want to treat my children and how I want to organize my life so I am not a burden.

Edited to add: my dad just told me he's going to take his (female) friend down to Key West for Fantasy Fest next month. LOL, he's a riot, forget living like him when I'm in my 80s, I wish I had his zest at 59!!

runninginplace, my 90+ year old granddad moved his new 60+ year old girlfriend into the family home about a year after his wife of 60 years died. I was like good luck and god bless, whatever works for your mood at that age you go for it. I wish I had had his zest for life.

Speaking as a senior who has observed adult children making decisions for their very old relatives, children don't want to be responsible for losing their parents and often can't let go when a person is going through the natural road towards their end on this earth.

Do what is right for the safety and happiness of your elder, aging relative, not what your guilt and conscience dictate.

Your dad is definitely NOT running in place!

I can only say what I did, my Mom had alzheimers and we still did the surgery. She was elated. We took her home from the nursing residence and monitored her every move until she was healed. Our decision (seven offspring) enhanced the remainder of her life. She was on a med to keep her calm and that was key to the success.

One other perspective fwiw: I have an elderly parent with Alzheimers and we learned the hard way that hospitalization and anesthesia (as well as pain and/or pain meds) can precipitate a condition called delirium - and it's especially common among the elderly and those with dementia. My father was living independently, with a lot of personal care help etc, when he had a minor medical incident. After a day in the hospital he basically shut down, physically and mentally, in what we later realized were classic signs of delirium. It was a six week ordeal, life and death, much of it restrained and/or semi-conscious -- even though there was literally nothing wrong with him physically.

He ultimately survived, but never returned to anywhere near his baseline. He was living in a continuing care community at the time and so we moved him to the skilled nursing wing instead of his own apartment. 18 months later, he's now under hospice care. I'm sure that he wouldn't have declined so dramatically and so quickly if it weren't for this episode.

There's nothing we could have done differently; the original ER trip was necessitated by an anaphylactic reaction. He had an Epipen but the only prudent thing was a quick trip to the hospital, which had happened plenty of times in the past. Now, having done a lot of reading on delirium and dementia, I would avoid elective procedures and anesthesia with someone who has dementia.

One other thought -- we got great help and guidance from the palliative care specialists at the hospital throughout this ordeal. The regular doctors and nurses were terrific, but they were focused on fixing the problem, such as it was, rather than ensuring his quality of life.

I don't disagree with anything you've said smalloldhouse, but I wonder about the effect of the severe allergic reaction itself. With someone already in a declining mental state, even a smaller reduction in oxygen levels while in the midst of the allergic reaction and the body fighting itself so hard would seem to be enough to cause a decline. My dad had a form of dementia caused by low oxygen levels and made worse by the fact that he resisted a lot of his COPD treatment. Everytime he got low on oxygen (below 88-92 sat), a few more brain cells would die. His doctor told me that it can go along for a while with no apparent impact, but the it will be like a rsudden stairstep decline. The allergic reaction itself might have pushed your parent to that next stair step, in which case, there would be even less you could have done about it.

Runninginplace, The story about your mother-in-law removing the cast from her wrist repeatedly tells you everything you need to know about what she would do with something around her eye. Yes, not doing seems to be a better choice, unfortunately. The main thing is that you and the siblings are in agreement on this point.

Thanks practigal-that's exactly how we feel! Actually yesterday I had brought her to my son's new house, which is under 'construction' ie remodeling. We parked her in a chair so she could watch and when she decided she wanted to go for a walk through the debris my son got into a mini-argument with her (she can literally not walk unaided although she refuses to admit that):

Son: Grandma, you can't walk around by yourself, you'll fall!

Mom: No I won't! I walk perfectly normally!

Son: You don't walk normally, you will fall and you've already had 3 broken hips!

Mom: No I haven't!

I had to laugh, reminded me of listening to Donald Trump.....anyway we're at peace with the decision, it was the right thing to do.

I'm late to the conversation. My mother died from dementia so I know what you're going through. She also fell and broke her hip, and after surgery she was as lucid as ever, as if she didn't even have dementia. Strangest thing ever. Sadly it came back pretty fast, but the anesthesia must have triggered something.

Yeah, some situations are kind of funny, like the conversation your son had with your MIL.

One funny story (Mom moved in w/my brother in another state) was Mom was constantly complaining to me how she is gaining weight and has no idea why. She was kind of vain, and obviously didn't lose that during her illness. :) My brother told me she's gaining weight because ten minutes after eating a meal she says she's hungry because she hadn't eaten yet! lol.

My SIL on my DH's side had her mom living with her and her DH, and her mom was eating them out of house and home!

I hope things work out for your MIL. I hate that disease.

If it helps, my mom is similar-though physically active, we had her second eye fixed and it turns out that the muscles are weak and it made her vision worse. I wish we had not had it done, now she tells everyone I refuse to take her to the doctor to have it checked, not true, but her dementia has her forgetting what is really wrong