Tough spot you're in, kcdillas, one that this old bird doesn't envy you at all.

And it doesn't help any to realize/understand that is shared by many, especially in your area, and that surrounding other large cities, as well.

All I can do is offer good wishes, and for wisdom and patience for you as you seek a good long-term solution.

How about a small apartment, held up by a balloon, tethered to the roof of your company's building (to lend out on B-N-B weekends, when you're home, to help defray costs)?

ole joyful

Is there an inexpensive hotel/motel you can stay at during the week? If not I would continue working but keep on the lookout for something closer. Or maybe really think about selling your home to move closer to your job.

I understand because I have family members in this situation. I'm sure your own family or friends are feeling worried about your situation too.

My family member who commutes 90 minutes one way spends one night a week in a hotel near the job (not inexpensive). She also got a 10 hour day which gives her a 4-day week and a 3-day weekend. Occasionally she can "telecommute" one day a week. She listens to books on tape in the car. Her commute often involves heavy stop-and-go traffic, road-closing accidents, frequent car fires and daily temps over 100, so I understand how miserable you are.

As for carpooling, maybe you could drive to an appropriate meeting point and carpool or public transportation the rest of the way. Any relief you can get will help.

I truly wish you could make a change. Don't discount the possibility of a job closer to home. You might contact a couple headhunters in your home area just to chat about local opportunities or different ways you could go. OK, maybe not the benefits or pay, but it's a tradeoff. Maybe you could be home in half an hour....mmmm doesn't that sound wonderful?

No, you are NOT just being dramatic. You have a life to lead and don't want to spend so many hours a week in the car. Good luck, hope you can figure something out.

Thanks joyful, I was briefly discussing with someone this passes weekend at a get together, and they made a good point - just because my commute may not be as bad as some other people's in LA, doesn't mean it's still not a crappy drive!

Linda - for one, nothing is inexpensive in LA, particularly in the are I work in! :( I also have pets and fiance at home I'd like to see more than on the weekends, so unfortunately that isn't an option for me either. I really don't want to move to LA (neither does the Mr.) and frankly even though we both make decent money, I don't think we could afford to (at least not buying a house somewhat comparable to what we have now).

I'm sorry to say it, but however nice your new home may be, it's so far from work that you have little time to enjoy it. Something has to give. You can find work closer to this house or you can move closer to your work. Could you find work in an entirely different area where there is nice housing within a short commute?

"I also don't want to spend the rest of my career (I'm only 27) working 60 hours work weeks doing something I'm losing passion for, and feeling like I have no time for life outside of work".

Need you say more?!!!?

Are there some people at work who might be interested in renting an apt. near work, to share?

You say that you wouldn't want to be away from home for four long days, so that's not a very good proposal.

o j

Socks, your poor family member! That definitely sounds worse than my commute; I've been doing audio books too, and they help pass the time but you're still losing those hours out of your day sitting in traffic, and that's what I have the hardest time rationalizing. Boy, being home in 30 minutes would be nice...the 'commute' (if you'd even call it that) for my last job was ~6 miles. Took me 8-10 minutes depending on if I just stuck at the train crossing!

Rob, shortening the commute would definitely save me money in gas, insurance, and maintenance. Ideally, I'd like to be within 10 miles of work but I know that's not realistic if I stayed in this field. I'm a vet tech and currently work in medical research too (pre-clinical) and there are other things I can do with my degree/licensure, but I've also got the fear that I'll financially screw myself by going back to working in practice or trying something new. Outside of veterinary medicine, I'm not really sure what else I would do...

chisue I've said that to myself many times...'what a nice house we have, too bad we don't have much time to enjoy it'... Something will give; at this point, I'm thinking it will be the job. I've casually considered re-locating, maybe out of state - I even applied for some positions when I graduated college thinking why not? - but this is where all of my family is and I'm not sure I'm ready to make that big of a jump.

joyful, I've read others suggesting renting an apartment or staying at hotels in other articles I've read; I'm of the opinion that any financial savings would probably be negligible, and the sanity I would save from not spending hours in the car every week would be countered by the loneliness of not being around the ones I love and see every day, most of the week.

I hear you. If it helps, you could think it this way, you can try something new and get going again, but happier. Or will it really make you happy to do something else? Any chance to try it out? Unfortunately, I got to try it on for size by becoming a patient with a rare condition. That said, I loved it so much, I wanted to do what they did. It's pretty cool, even though I'm in an area with wet labs, not patients. I don't do the animal work, but it's still really amazing. I do get to help out with all kinds of things! And, it's so much fun, I'd never envisioned it, I'm contemplating a master's combing my university studies and my work experience into healthcare law. It's really interesting how we get to where we're going sometimes, and taking that first step on a new road can be frightening and exhilarating.

I wish you lots and lots of luck! I just see so much of how I feel in your post. I will tell you, when I asked the group if I should move farther away, I took the advice, and I'm thrilled with the outcome. They were a great sounding board. Hope we're doing the same for you.

I understand your pain. I hate commuting with a purple passion and waited a long, long time to buy a house in the area because it was so much easier to move to a different rental when I would change jobs.

How much would it cost you to use Uber or Lyft? Maybe you could even set up a special deal with a specific driver after you see if the service would work for you. Your commute would still suck, but you could use the time to work, read, sleep, watch instructional video...anything besides being bored to tears pumping the brake pedal in bumper to bumper traffic.

Fun, that's an idea!

Lovek--my family member rented an apartment for 6 months. It was costly, lonely, depressing when all she wanted to do was be at home. As it is, she has to get up in the wee hours of the morning to make it on time to the 10-hour day. In time this will end, but for now she's doing the best she can, as you are.

I seriously don't know how you handle this situation. I would feel like I did a day's work before I ever arrived. That's crazy. We have bad traffic here but nothing like the LA mess. I was going to a wedding in Hershey last week which should have taken 25 minutes at the very least but instead way over an hour because of three mishaps. I think you should spend more time in the house you love, with your fiance and since you're close to family, that would leave one option. Fund a job nearer to your home so you have a minimal commute. You're young now, but the older you get, the more this commute will wear you down. You sound highly qualified so good luck in your search (if you choose that route)

I had a similar situation one time. The missus got a job in Wisconsin and my job was in Chicago's northern suburbs. I made that commute for a few years, about the same distance as what you have. It was almost all 6 or 8 lanes and I started my day at 6:30 a.m.; the traffic was not too bad at that time.

However, when the snows hit during the winter...ouch. Slow driving in crappy conditions. The only thing that kept me somewhat sane then (different from now ya know) is that I listened to audio books. I listened to Moby Dick, saved a lot of time getting myself ready for my book group.

Ultimately, my wife's boss wanted out of town and the working relationship she had with him did not transfer to his replacement. She put the word out to head-hunters and she had a new job within 6 weeks! That meant a move out to Santa Fe, NM, but they paid for the move, we had been renting and we bought new. I got a new career after about 6 months in New Mexico and all was good.

Would it practical/possible for you to contact a recruiting agency and explain your position? See if they might be able to locate something with a less time-consuming commute.

rob - I know what you mean, I loved the job when I first started; it was different and exciting, seemed like there was always something to do, and I was passionate about the mission. Unfortunately for me, the luster and passion has seemed to wear off a bit and while I know that it's an important job in the big picture, I'm questioning whether it's the right job for me. These doubts are amplified by the commute.

fun - I'm not sure how much Lyft or Uber would cost, I assume quite a bit since it's a long distance if I did it every day. I haven't ever looked into it for more than a ride home from the bar!

socks - yes, that sounds miserable. As much as the commute sucks, I'd rather do it than being lonely in an apartment that I'd prefer not to be in, and without my fiance and my pets. Not to mention having to have two sets of everything, one for the home and another for the apartment - otherwise I'd forget things all the time!

lily - I know, some days I don't know how I handle it either. When I was in college, one of my roommates had a similar commute for her work and she was always exhausted; I thought she was crazy - and she carpooled most days! - and told myself there was no way I'd ever do that...and here I am...

jim - thanks for the tip - I think I may look into a recruiting agency. I think I'm also going to try to talk to a financial advisor to determine how much of a pay cut would be 'safe' to take, so that I can continue to adequately save for retirement and not have to work till I die!

It sounds clear the geography needs to change, on one or both ends of this long drive.

Try to prioritize your objectives, I'd suggest you're trying to do too many things at once. Do you want a short commute? Or do you want to live in the neighborhood you love? Or do you want a dream job? Or do you want to buy a home? Or do you want to save for retirement? Or do you want to maximize time spent with your fiance?

Cut the list in half and let the others hang for awhile. You're young and have time. Everything you've described is changeable and also may not be "forever" things. If you try to do all of these things at the same time, you'll do some of them poorly and perhaps some not at all and that will make you unhappy. As you've found out.

Good luck.

I would look for the new job close to where you live. I bet that since you are on the road so much, you probably eat out a lot. If you were closer both of you could cook at home. It is much cheaper and healthier. Even a cup of coffee adds up.

Start looking for a new job. Even if you have to have one full time and maybe one part-time it would still add up to a better life style than what you have now as you would be closer to home.

Driving is exhausting. I don't know anyone who likes driving long distances to get to work..

You might also want to think about a career change. If you can't live closer to the type of job you feel is more lucrative, then maybe it's time to see what else is out there.

Side story: My nephew has a culinary degree. His job was in top management. Due to being around food and the high stress level he gain an unhealthy amount of weight. Something had to give. He moved in with a roommate, quick his job and became a server. Basically he gave himself a demotion! He has since got his weight on track, and is going back to school for a very different career.

Being unhappy can effect your health and sense of well being drastically. You are starting to feel these effects now. Take a serious look at how you can change things for the better.

Start looking for something closer to home. If you can hang on long enough, and are patient, you may find something nearly as good if not perfect with a much easier commute.

I based my jobs on the commute. I never had a dream job, but a 10 minute commute made life a whole lot better. My favorite job was a 3 minute walk from home. It was by no means the best job ever, but a 3 minute walk? Couldn't beat that.

Elmer - yes prioritizing would probably be a good idea to tackle one thing at a time. I start with one thing and they all seem to snowball, I guess I should work on that.

Sherry - yes we do eat out more than I'd prefer, or the worse alternative is that I'll skip meals because I don't want to eat out and didn't have time to prepare something. While I'm not overweight and don't have any health issues (yet), I was definitely healthier when I was working closer to home and had the time/energy to meal prep and go to the gym regularly. I sadly had to kick my coffee habit with the drive so I could make it to work without having to stop to pee!

eld - the career change has come up, I'm just not sure what else I would want to do. My fiance really threw me for a ringer yesterday when we were talking about this and asked me what my end game was (in terms of where I want to be in my career). I was surprised to say that I wasn't really sure. I kind of thought this job I have now was where I would stay for a long while, but now I'm not so sure.

hoovb - I would love to be able to walk to work...several of my co-workers live close enough to walk, and laugh at me (playfully teasing) when I tell them how long it takes me to get to work.

I live in the state capital and there are lots of people who commute here during the legislative session. I've rented a room to a number of them at a fairly affordable rate, because they aren't here every night, nor on most weekends. I wonder if you couldn't think about doing something like that, so you could just stay over one or two nights a week to give yourself a break (and probably be more pleasant company when you DO see your loved ones)?

It wouldn't be a big financial investment like an apartment (especially since many people have a furnished guest room they might rent to you) and you could just try it out to see how you feel. Maybe put the word out among your coworkers (especially the walk to work-ers) about what you are looking for. Maybe, if your landlord was agreeable, your fiance could stay over and make the drive once a week and commute to his job from L.A.

Wow. I'm glad I sound like it's all new... A dozen years now. If you don't feel that way, maybe it's time for the head hunter suggested.

A follow-up:

Most agency people will not charge you for their service. They charge the company who hires you. Thus, their cash flow is dependent on whether they can get you placed. If you have a specific "talent" tell them about it. They, in turn, will make the phone calls to their contacts. If you get an interview, the agency will do a follow-up with that company to see how you interview. If necessary, they can give you tips.

Where you live, there are many good agencies, don't do just one. Also, there are many agencies away from your area who have a good handle on what might be out there nationwide. If a company is really interested, you will be brought to their offices (their expense) and do their thing, having seen your resume and maybe even talked with you on the phone. When we made the move to Santa Fe, I flew out with the missus and they had almost made up their minds before we got there. It was whether we wanted to uproot from being near family to embark on a new 'adventure' in a new location. We made the move and don't regret it. We told them where we would not move and the agency worked from that point.

Be aware that many (not all) companies don't do much big-time hiring after November 15. Too many hold-up with moving at the end of the year. That might work to your advantage if you are willing to move in December. We did move once, with the moving van at our front door on December 26, with delivery the next day. Phew, what a interesting thing that was.

OR, tell the agency that you will not move and let them work around your preferences. Talk it over with those you trust and love and make a decision.

rob - I'm glad you still love it, it's an important job to society. Maybe it's just my department; things have just been slow the better part of this year and it's leaving me quite bored and feeling like I'm not doing anything but busy work.

jim - thank you, I will likely get in touch with one of my friends who does this kind of recruitment and see if she can help me. Financially speaking, if I do end up leaving this job, it would likely not be until after my fiance and I get married next year so I can get on his insurance (he's a city employee, so it's much cheaper than mine). That way I'm thinking I may be able to negotiate for a higher wage if they don't need to provide me health/dental insurance.

Ugh. I'm a LA resident and can definitely relate to your woes. I've been lucky because my longest commute was "only" one hour. However, on a weekend morning, that same drive would take 20 minutes. It's the daily grind of sitting in a "parking lot" that really irks. To add insult to injury, there's so much construction work that it easily doubles or triples the commute time.

I live near a major medical center and many remote-based staff members advertise for a room nearby. This gives them the benefit of having "family" around during the week and the option to go home on weekends.

While it's normal for the "honeymoon" period to wear off, you seem more disillusioned than not. Can you talk to your supervisor about additional/changing duties to make your job more challenging? Or perhaps this the normal ebb and flow of your job as you mentioned?

I've worked in jobs that I've absolutely hated but I knew they would lead to bigger and better things. Sometimes you have to sacrifice short-term inconvenience for long-term satisfaction.

And this too, shall pass.

I did the commute for 20 years. ~2.5 hours each day.

30-50% pay cut plus benefits for an extra 2 hours a day, doesn't pencil out.

I haven't read all the comments and can only speak from personal experience. We lived in Huntington Beach and my husband commuted every day for 3 years to Children's hospital in downtown. It was brutal then so I can't begin to imagine what it's like today. We were renting, so we moved to Anaheim to help shorten it some, but Anaheim was not ideal for us.

Owning your first home in California is no small feat, so I congratulate you on that and since my family is all there too (except for my daughter) I can relate to not wanting to leave.

My husband is from Europe and his problem with the whole commute thing was that he felt like he was living to work instead of working to live, a concept he believes most American's do not understand and would be much happier if they did. I tend to agree because it's true, money does not buy happiness. In the end, we chose to move out of state and it was the best decision for us. We bought a nice affordable home in an area that's beautiful and not over populated. My sister did the same thing. They sold their home in California, moved to the Dallas area, bought a larger much nicer home and still had money to spare. They're closer to Calfornia, find airfare deals in the 100.00 range often and are able to visit whenever they want to. But most importantly, the quality of life for both our families is so much better because of the changes we made.

Change is scary for a lot of people, but is necessary if the circumstances you're in make you miserable. I would seriously consider selling and leaving the state but if you really don't want to leave, stay where you are and start a serious search for something new. Maybe it will take a while to find the right job with the right salary but even the process of looking will help you mentally because you'll know it's just temporary.. At least your in a stable job and time is on your side so you can afford to be picky about the next position you accept.

You asked where to start? How about the city, like your fiancé? I know in NYS there are tests that you take for positions in the city.

A good friend of mine did not work for years. She did a form of bookkeeping before children so she knew she wanted something similar. She studied hard for the test because you are ranked and the highest gets asked first.

She now works one town over in a elementary school in the finance office.

Take apart all the pieces of your current job and see if any fit fits in with a possible city job.

Some employers acknowledge domestic partners in the same way a spouse is for eligibility to participate in their benefit plan. Perhaps your fiancé could check with his HR dept. to see if that's the case with the city. That would help some - and sooner. Good luck to you.

I feel your pain. Before I retired many years ago, my door-to-desk commute was 1 hour 15 minutes. I left home at 7 AM and returned at 6:30, ate lunch at my desk. I felt like I had no life - no time for hobbies or friends during the week, and then endless chores on weekends to maintain the house. If moving is not an option, my suggestion is to gut it out and keep looking for another job.

I can only empathize with not wanting to live in LA. I moved from upstate NY to LA, close to sister and good job, to be nearer to parents in San Diego county. I had a nice but older apartment in Palms and drove only 4 miles (no freeway) to Wilshire in Beverly Hills (where Barneys is now). Can't tell you how much I hated good paying job, lawyer boss who was a passive aggressive nightmare, and the little things, like having to wait for a parking space in a supermarket lot to pick up groceries, traffic, landlord who came into my apt. when he 'suspected' someone living with me when cousin was visiting for a week, oh and did I mention traffic? This was 25+ years ago and sister says it has only gotten much worse.

Fortunately, after a year, boss and wife decided to move to SF and I left LA so fast to move to SD county I barely said goodbye. Landed another good paying job there, but hated the boring work and finally got it whittled down to 3 days a week. Sorry, no advice here, but I do understand NOT wanting to live in LA. Now I'm back in upstate NY and loving it…..People who haven't had the living in LA experience just don't understand NOT 'moving closer to work'.

OK, now we have a bigger picture. Your fiance works 'for the city' -- closer to your home? You plan to marry next year. Do you plan to start a family? Will that be in two years or ten? (Living near existing family may be more important then.)

I'm not saying Life can always be planned, but it's good to think about what you want, long range.

I know I'm going to sound like the old jokes...I walked 10 miles in the snow to go to school. You young people....yada yada yada ha ha

I worked in a banks computer room for 3 years doing program repair/operations. Drove 90 miles one way. 12 HOUR shifts, 3 days a week, rotating nights to days every 4 weeks. I'd still be working there "if" they hadn't sold the bank and taken out the computers/accounting. "IF" the money is good....I'd stay.

nanny - there is room for financial growth in this company (annual merit raises, bonuses for continuing educations), but in terms of actually promoting to a higher position, there isn't much prospect of that in my department. That, and I'm not really sure that I'd want my boss's job anyways.

luk - I totally agree with the 'work to live, not live to work' mentality - while my job is a big part of my life, it's certainly not the only aspect of it and I think it's important to have good separation between work and life matters.

eld - I'm not sure if there are city tests in California like you mentioned. I'll have to look into it. There are certainly city veterinary jobs, though I have no idea what their pay scale is like. It'd be worth checking on.

skibby - that's a good point - I'd have to ask him about domestic partnership with his insurance. If nothing else, it would be saving us money each month and I'd be getting better insurance out of it.

wanttoretire - I completely agree - while I'm sure other big cities are comparable, I just don't think people that haven't actually been there understand why I don't want to live there. I came from a small city of about 40k people and one high school - and I liked that so much that I moved back to that area after college. I certainly understand why people like living in the city, but like you said about circling the parking lot just at the grocery store (or having to pay for parking everywhere you go, fight with other drivers who clearly don't understand there's a world outside of their vehicle, etc.), it's just not for me.

chisue - yes, he works closer to home because his work allows him to work within different divisions of the city. He originally was working further than I am, but finally was able to relocate and he's much happier. He always tells me he doesn't know how I'm still doing it. We do plan on starting a family in the 5 years or so, and right now live 10 minutes away from my parents, and 15 from my brothers. His mom recently passed and his dad and stepmom are about 50 minutes away but may move out of state in the near future. So staying near my family is important to us, especially when we start having kids.

nicole - yikes! I don't know how you did that, I suppose doing it 3 days a weeks made it a little easier, and having a 12-hr shift probably meant you were not quite within the scope of rush hour for the drive, but boy that makes for long days. I think the fact that I'm paid well is the top reason that I'm debating what move to make.

Also, thank you all for your input and experiences, it's very helpful!

Congrats on getting engaged!

You've had the job two years - yet you bought a house 2.5-3 hours from your job. This part really doesn't make sense to me.

You sound burned out and tired. That's understandable, I guess.

But here's a big newsflash: there's no such thing as a 40-hour week in corporate America anymore.

imstillchloecat -

When we were working, my wife earned almost triple what I did. We always lived much closer to her job than mine.

And, I worked a 40-hour week because they didn't want to pay any more than they had to (the job was newspaper advertising). I never worked off the clock.

what can I say? you chose the position and then moved to burbs...just pray you're not married as well....what about home work on certain days? do you need to go in everyday?

tell you one thing...my "aunt" loved the house she bought In the valley area of los angeles...but her job was flexable...not so her dh, a photog for the old herald paper...this was before freeways...and could be called out in an instant... it was the the end of the marriage...I vowed i'd NEVER live that far away from dh's job and we never did...may not be in the classier area but he always had less than 30 minute drive...(lol..now it's walking to the home office)

Imstillchlowcat - we wanted to buy a house in a good area where we could get a single family dwelling and we'd be able to start a family (and something that wasn't a total dump), and if you're familiar with the Southern California housing market, it's hard to find that within the city limits for under $700k (which was most definitely over our budget). I only work 40 hours most weeks, with the exception of a weekend day once a month; the other few hours of the day are unpaid sitting in traffic.

Susan - unfortunately the type of job I have doesn't really have the option to work at home. It would certainly be nice to, though.

Lovekcdillas - you said you work 60 hours a week in your first post. I'm sorry I misunderstood your meaning - that 20 of those hours were sitting in traffic. And yes, I'm very familiar with the SoCal housing market.

Lovekcdillas, you seem to be leaning towards getting a different job. I would suggest that you start saving as much as you can while in this high-earning situation so that you create a financial cushion. It would also help you get accustomed to living on a lower net income. If you loved your job, I would suggest a tiny house close to it (that is what we did). But since you no longer love your job, I would be transferring as much of your pay as possible into savings while you look for something closer to home.

Another option is for you both to find jobs in a new city. Money magazine came out with a list of the top places to live.

Good luck!

The DD of friends has advanced degrees and has held high-paying, responsible positions that utilize her education and experience. When she married a man who also worked long hours with high pay, they bought a home between their two jobs.

OK...until Baby #1, when New Mom wanted to be SAHM longer than her job's maternity leave permitted. She resigned. Baby #2 arrived. The couple bought a larger home. Mom was concerned that she could age out of the high-paying positions her expensive degree warranted if she didn't take another job -- and she did. That lasted 18 months (and four different child care employees).

Although the children are now both in school, she is SAHM again because good child care is impossible to find, and because Baby #2 has some problems. Her DH still works long hours. They are OK financially because they both socked away their salaries before marriage and children.

You may have to live with the commute to a job that pays well. I hate to say that because it's just 'A Plan', while Today is our only certainty.