If you mean you are facebook friends and saw the notification of her birthday, by all means wish her a good day. I wouldn't go out of my way to contact her otherwise, though. Any time a notice comes up of a birthday, I send my well wishes whether we are close friends or not. My DD is 27 and is like yours, very private about her love life. Just stay out of it. If they get back together, like many times people do, you will know that you didn't meddle. People, especially young people, make relationship decisions that they regret. I agree with your husband not responding to the text. If the boy wants to talk, if and when they get back together, they should talk in person.

I think it would be nice to wish a happy birthday, and I think your husband might reconsider hearing what this young man has to say.

You gave no particulars about the breakup, and there may be explanations that may (or may not) help your feelings about what happened.

I agree that if two people are to have a future together, communication is essential as is regard for each other's feelings. Here, you have the opportunity to show your daughter that you can take the high road and show regard for others. And in doing so, at least you may find out why this happened.

So sorry. Break ups are hard, especially when the couple is living together. That said, I find it interesting that you became friends with the other parents.

My DH and I have not met the parent's of my oldest DD's boyfriend. They have lived together for three years.

Since you were all friends,in a perfect world it would have been nice for the other parents to reach out and say they too are sorry things didn't work out.

Here is where the hard part comes in. This relationship is between your daughter and her boyfriend. At his point I agree with Annie. Stay out of it and don't get involved.

I wouldn't get in touch with the other parents. If you always wished the mom a happy birthday, there would be nothing wrong in continuing the tradition. It's not like we are in grade school and you are "taking sides", if you have communication with her.

It's over.

Let it be.

like it sounds like ex's mother is doing.

ps: If she & the person who hurt her are "talking", you may have more to worry about than birthday greetings.

Help her, but be careful.

I wish you, & her, the very best.

I took to heart advise a friend gave her newly married daughter who was going through typical first year marital angst "Please tread lightly about what you tell me, you will forgive him, I may not as easily".

The issue from the beginning IMHO is YOU and the family were too involved with their relationship. When lives get toooo entwined (family involved) the break up will always be more difficult to maintain. They aren't married until THEY ARE and to proceed "as if" is ALWAYS a mistake. Vacations/family pictures/ joint family get togethers puts pressure and undue validity into what could easily turn into a passing thing. WAIT until she is married next time. For now give her the courage to fill all the holes you helped make. Next time other than casual meetings a dinner or two STAY OUT OF HIS LIFE!!

I don't see where the OP has said they vacationed or did family pictures together. And also I'm confused by the comment - For now give her the courage to fill all the holes you helped make. Not looking for a fight - just clarification.

My approach to my kids' personal lives, and my advice on how to handle these situations, is to be completely passive and reactive. That's the opposite of my normal personality but it's what I think is appropriate. I speak when spoken to, give advice when/if it's asked. Otherwise, it's not my business to inquire or say or suggest anything at all.

In this situation, if a kid's ex contacted me, of course I'd return the call or text. What's up with this husband, the ex boyfriend didn't break up with him or hurt his feelings.

My practice husband went to visit MIL, my mom, when we divorced. Mom didn't mention it until 20+ years later. Even then, I felt a little betrayed that she opened her arms, so to speak, to him. Other than this, she did stay out of it.

Other story, I fell in love with first serious girl SS brought home and was crushed when they broke up but I kept my mouth shut all the way. I think I did the right thing by staying out of it.

Lucille wrote everything I would have written.

My elder daughter is divorced (remarried to a wonderful young man), and while there were times I could have gladly wrung the ex son-in-law's neck, I have remained friendly with him and his family. Ex son-in-law didn't always get along with his own parents (volatile relationship, unfortunately modeled for their children), but had great respect for my late husband, and DH made himself available during the split, whenever ex-SIL wanted to talk.

Maybe if they hadn't been married it would have been different, but I don't think so--emotions are the same, and in our case a child was involved, so we made extra effort to remain civil and friendly.

I didn't comment on it before, but I believe husband should've responded to the young man. If he reached out, clearly he's hurt as well and I think to salve everyone's feelings involved in a shift in a relationship like this, open lines of communication are important. It helps everyone understand the others' perspective.

I also wanted to add that I've known several couples who were seriously involved and suffered a break up before getting back together and eventually getting married. So it's not unusual should that happen.

I'm glad our DS and our DIL never lived together until they were married.

A friend's adult DD simultaneously got engaged and bought a house with a guy. They split a few months later. It took the DD *two years* to get clear of the financial end of that disaster.

rinahen -- Take the high road, not the draconian stance your DH took. (What? Is this young man "dead" to him? How's that going to work if the couple reunite -- or even if they don't?) You've noted this lady's birthday; wish her well -- with no strings attached.

As far as birthday wishes, if you had a birthday since December and his mother did extend greetings to you, I'd just reciprocate with nothing but Happy Birthday wishes. But if your birthday hasn't come yet (so you're unaware of what she would do) then today's an opportunity to just mention to DD that you're wondering if you should extend a simply birthday greeting, but wanted to let her know first that her Ex had sent a text (unread) to Dad, and if that upsets her, you wouldn't bother sending any greetings to his mother, in order to avoid any mixed messages.

It is always good to remember that in situations like this, there are 3 sides. Her side, his side and the truth which probably lays somewhere between the two.

The ex's mother doesn't need to apologize, her son is an adult and she (and you) shouldn't meddle in the relationship of your adult children.

I feel your husband is being a bit childish to not respond to another adult who is attempting to contact him.

Regarding her birthday, if you knew it was your coworkers birthday, would you send your good wishes? What about if it were the cashier at the grocery store? Your neighbor? The mailman?

It is just good manners to wish someone a happy birthday if you know it is their birthday.

I would also wish her a happy birthday, and if it were my husband, I would want him to respond to the young man and see what he has to say. What if they get back together? You might want to patch that bit up. Then, with the other good advice given, I would also stay out of the relationship. I hope it works out well all around.