We just call that "life."

I'm all for scruffy hospitality! I see this going on more and more in my circle. We're outgrowing the "my house must be in perfect order to entertain" that we had as new homeowners.

For special occasions or well-planned-out events, there is some staging and preparation that makes the home orderly. But impromptu invitations are fun and should be relaxed for everyone.

Here, here! Too bad we have to call it 'scruffy'. I'm with Veda, let's just call it 'life'.

Some of us need this reminder more than others - that's me waving madly in the back. Thanks for posting this Robo

Scruffy hospitality means you're not waiting for everything in your house to be in order before you host and serve friends. I need this tatooed on my forehead. Backwards so I can read it in the mirror.

If we only share meals with friends when we're excellent, we aren't truly sharing life together. I still haven't hit excellent so pretty good will have to do.

Hospitality is not a house inspection, it's friendship. I'll drink to that.

robo, thanks for posting this.

We hosted people at our lake home beginning the Friday before the 4th. Yesterday I spent hours scrubbing every surface, cleaning the 2 fridges and doing umpteen loads of laundry. The thought of having to start the cycle over again makes me long for winter!

A good time - no, great time was had by all but I feel burned out. What a timely reminder to those of us who are compelled to make everything "just right" and have it look effortless.

The problem is that expectations are raised and I want to live up to my high standards. My authentic self is happy to go to someone else's home and enjoy less than perfect meals. But I have to really work on being happy doing it in my own home. It makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it.

You know, I was all ready to say "yeah, right on! You go". Then I remembered a few things and i think it is kind of complicated. In the end, like most things, it's a matter of balance.

Certainly having a humble home should be no reason to avoid hosting gatherings. As I often say to my kids, "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself." That is true with anything.

I recently went to the home of a classmate of one of my kids, and the Mom told me that her DD was embarrassed that her house was too small. The house was drop dead gorgeous, antique and had wonderful gardens. It was just not the same as her friends' houses (though I would bet it was just as costly or very close, and they are very well off). My kid just loved the house and appreciated its uniqueness, and I told her to be sure to tell her friend that!

When we have guests, I sometimes really go all out (it used to be always, but I have learned moderation). My DH will say "don't kill yourself" to which i say "but I like to kill myself", and he knows I do like to try to do things that are very special. I enjoy it.

Not everyone enjoys all the details of entertaining, and that is fine. But I think I posted before about showing up at someone's home and being really disappointed in that they had really gone to no effort to feed us or have us sleep over. I knew we were welcome, but I did not feel it.

Cleaning the boxes out of the DR, making a meal you know someone will like, is part of saying "welcome". It's part of saying I care about you, I want you to enjoy your time. Having to repaint before your guests arrive, or spending three days making an ice cream cake, on the other hand, is a little whacky and can be counter-productive.

I think it can be both depending on the friendship and circumstances. I know I often feel a little slighted at my parents' house because when staying over, with notice, I often have to make up my own bed and no effort is even made to clear papers etc. off the bed I'm staying in! This has resulted in me staying there less often even though intellectually I know that's just their style but it certainly doesn't make me feel special. On the other hand, impromptu casual gatherings, even potluck, can make friendships feel like family. It's nice to have very special occasions but also nice to have the type of comfortable friendship where hours of effort aren't required to host each other.

I'm a little like you amck. I love to entertain and I often go overboard and then get stressed. I have had to really work at cultivating the art of casual entertaining. Some of it has to do with your home, how it is set up and what you have. I hated in my last house that the kitchen was separated from the rest of the house by a hallway. That meant single-me had to leave her guests to do anything in the kitchen, or everyone ended up congregating in there, which I would have loved, except it was TINY with virtually no room for seating. And you had to pass through said kitchen to get to the outdoor patio, which made summer entertaining awkward. I have a great screened in porch now, open to the dining room and family room, but no patio, which I am really missing in the summer. Someday I may install one, but too many other things need to get done first. I'm really hoping to entertain more in the future, I want to be the house where everyone feels at home and comfortable, but not overdone and too stiff.

I would love to have the friendships at this stage of my life where no one expects a big fancy deal to be made over simple get-togethers. That doesn't seem to be the case with certain people and the stage we've come to at this point. That and Pinterest.

Moving to this house has upped the expectations a bit, both for my DH and some of the guests we've had this year. That has translated to what feels like more work on me. And for me about one to many long weekend's at Missy's house ;)

In La Leche League we learned the nicest thing you can do for another mom is invite her over without cleaning your house first--if we all would allow "life" to show, the inflated standards of perfection that keep so many of us isolated would be lowered to a more realistic and livable level. I was raised to have the house 'perfect' so it was very hard for me to make this adjustment and I still work on it at times.

Like Robo, I've been in situations where I felt unwelcomed by my hosts' lack of preparation, and I've also greatly enjoyed relationships where we can be casual with each other and just invite each other over without it having to be a production ahead of time.

I think I currently err on the side of trying too hard to have things 'perfect' but I would rather err on the side of being scruffy because those are the houses I am more comfortable visiting, myself.

I continue to think about this and what comes to me is what Maya Angelou said (I'm paraphrasing) You may not remember what people say or do, but you always remember how they made you feel.

I don't strive so much to come off as perfect but to give the sense that people's presence is valued when I've invited them to my home. My mother was able to do that in her modest surroundings. Simple foods were homemade, the table was set and meals were nicely presented. The house always looked and smelled clean.

My MIL, in contrast, would not have the table set when you arrived for Thanksgiving. She'd use plastic flatware and paper tablecloths. She was a capable cook but just dumped vegetables out of a can because it was easy. The bathrooms never had clean towels, the box of tissues was always empty and there were always only a few squares of TP on the roll. The impression I was always left with was that she couldn't be bothered with hosting us.

ETA. I know that the article relates more to spontaneous casual entertaining, not major holidays and that expectations are different in each case. But having been made to feel unwelcome is what compels me to go the extra mile whenever I entertain.

I'm all for casual, scruffy, informal. I used to get my undies in a bundle making everything perfect prior to entertaining visitors. I'm over that and it's so much more enjoyable. I also feel the same way about decor. I like it homey, welcoming and imperfect. I live here and it's a home, not a showplace. Frankly, I sometimes feel uncomfortable in a place that's too perfect - like I might disrupt the perfect order. The first time I realized that perfection might not be welcoming was when I was at someone's house and they picked up everything I put down and cleared it away almost immediately even before I was done with it.

We are just two adults and three cats though and our house is never such a mess I wouldn't welcome a drop in visitor. I tidy things up before I go to bed and before I go to work in the morning. I have a housecleaner every couple weeks and I clean up obvious dirt and cat hair when I see it so it's always good enough.

The older I get the less I care about my stuff and the more I enjoy my relationships and experiences.

Some people just aren't into the hosting side of things either, and I'd put myself in that category. I love being around people and having them over, for example to my cottage, but it does make a ton of extra work that I don't really enjoy. Like, housework isn't my bag at all and I already have a full time job and I'm a pretty low energy person.

I'm one who appreciates scruffy and non-scruffy entertaining. If we run into friends while out on a Saturday afternoon it's fun to invite them for dinner not caring if the top of the frig is clean.

If on a Tuesday, I decide to have some people over on Saturday and call to invite them, more effort will go into making sure the house is clean and the menu a little more special.

Both ways work well for us.

In a bit of perfect timing, Food52 just featured this set of tips for entertaining--some useful stuff and fits with this conversation for sure!

That's a good piece, Running. I personally find that room temp dishes are a lifesaver. If I am making something time sensitive, it can only be one item on the menu.

I also agree about setting the table and the serving pieces at least a day before if it's a good size affair.

Thank you, Robo and Runningplace, for the links to interesting articles. Now, I just need to find an article that will explain how to get my mother on board with the concept of scruffy entertaining.

One of the happiest homes I know has people going in and out constantly. Neighbors, friends, relatives. What you see when you walk in will depend on the time of day or day of the week. It's a big house and a big family. On the holidays, people come and go all day long. Food comes out of the kitchen constantly. Friends and neighbors help with the cooking and cleanup.

Great article on the room temp. foods and also making sure you have a way to keep the house cool, also stock up on cleaning supplies. I am totally into trying to figure out simple but fun menus. I did enough parties with 3 or 4 fru fru appetizers that no one touched to know that one good one is quite enough. Same with salads, sides, desserts, etc. Last tea party I had I literally threw together store bought phyllo tarts with store bought spinach dip, some store bought shredded cheese mixed in, and topped with a water chestnut slice. Was the most popular thing on the menu. I made three or four desserts, all of which ended up being leftovers, when I could have served one or two really nice ones and that would have been fine. Plus thankfully someone told me to offer up a pitcher of ice water. Note to self: mom's old pottery pitchers are really more for show than practical, filled with water they are darn heavy!

My mom has these huge crystal pitchers that take both hands to pour and look like they're going to shatter, I still covet them though!

I used to have friend that had that response when i would apologize for my messy house...."we came to see you, not the house!" Then, one time Iwas admiring a framed photo of hers, and she toldme I messed up the "patina" (dust) on it, and Antiques Roadshow would dock the value!!

Yeah Robo, I have some of those too. My mom had a thing for pitchers . . .