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OK, I talked to my W and realize that i had jumped to a few conclusions. She apoligized for going last night and said that she actually met a friend of her moms and went with her. In my wifes past relationships she has been controlled by her boyfriend and this is her 1st relationship where she is being treated fairly and she is afraid that it will change. Therefore she has a hard time with the idea of me telling her not to go out when she feels she has done nothing wrong. She has told me "If clubs were a place only for singles to pick people up, why would that concern me." What she meant by this is that she has no interest in anyone else and that I should trust her in a situation even like that. She repeates that she has no interest in anyone else. She keeps trying to get me to say that I don't trust her. I explain that it is not an issue with her but me. I dont feel confident enough in filling her needs and that the people at the clubs are exactly what I am not. Therefore they would provide something totally different than me. She reiterates that she is not interested in anyone else and is just going to have fun with FRIENDS. On a side note, she brought up a comparison to an incident that happened a few years ago. I used to partake in a recreational drug that my friends often did. Know my wife has a history of abusing a different type of drug. This is why she was bothered by me doing this and she has said that it made her very upset when I would come home under the influence. She relates this to the current situation of me being hurt by her going out and her actions. What she didn't catch and I brought it to her attention is that I quit partaking with my friends. Even though I don't think their is anything wrong with what my friends are doing. So what I am getting at is that I quit doing the behavior that threatened her but when put on her she says that she isn't doing anything wrong and instead we are going to counseling. My W has told me again that every time she goes out except last night, her mother has been with her. She told me that she has been talking to her mother about this situation all along. So I told my W that I would like to talk to her mother also(simply because I have not talked face to face with anyone about this). And I know her mother will be honest because she adores me and has joked that she likes me more than her daughter (we have similar personalities). So I think talking to her will help by getting a 3rd perspective and she knows both of us and is with my W when she goes out. Counseling is still Monday, wish it was sooner.

This is frustrating me - Mara, it is a semantics fight here, and what I am saying is, let's not use words that in common, modern, english language suggest or in any way allow for a heirarchy (sp) in the home. Too many people see that word "surrendered" and they think of being captured on a war field and held down, so to speak. Let's use more empowering words, so that we can understand that BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE are equal to each other, before God, and must be respectful, loving, kind, and humble. Does that leave any question as to whether it's okay to expect your partner to take your crap? NO, it doesn't. But the word SUBMIT absolutely does. Doesn't matter if the word SUBMIT is kinder than CONTROL, just the fact that you put them together in the same category is indicative of how the word SUBMIT is used. The original meaning of the word SUBMIT was not intended in any way to mean subservience, but it has become that way because of how people choose to interpret the Bible, and because of history. It is not right, it's not okay - that doesn't invalidate the bible, it simply invalidates human interpretation of such and shows how truly ignorant we are as humans.

Behavior #1 - sits in the living room with headphones on and plays video games for 4 to 14 hours. To me that is normal. Not the 14 hours but certainly the 4 hours or longer. Under the same conditions as your stepson, about to be on duty on a submarine, at his mother's house where he did not grow up, no friends in the area, that is exactly what I would expect my son to do. There are 21 year old men who play video games to unhealthy extremes but a 21 year old in the Navy on leave in my opinion is not in that place. Behavior #2 - I must be missing something here. That doesn't sound like eavesdropping to me. He has his earphones on, he can hear you with the earphones on, he laughs at a joke he overhears. That would not bother me and I wouldn't consider it eavesdropping if my son did that. Scratching his privates, monologues, not making eye contact, not saying goodnight or be right back, BSing, awkwardness petting the dog, chewing with mouth full, not waiting till everyone has their food, leaving a messy room, some young men are like this. I have known some awkward young men who turned out to be perfectly nice when I got to know them better. My son does not do these things but plenty of normal young men do. I realize these things are disconcerting to you. In our family we say goodnight or be right back...except my daughter for some reason didn't do this and I just let that one go, not worth it to me to bring it up. I think you are being unreasonable to expect your 21 year old son to observe and fall into that custom. The BSing will probably take care of itself over time as your son spends more time in the Navy. Other Navy men or women will probably call his hand on that one I would think, and that would be way more effective than anything your wife would say or do. The only thing that would really get to me on that one is the pacing up and down during dinner if that's a frequent occurrence. The note thing when he left sounds reasonable to me, at least at his own mother's house. I would expect my kids to write a nice, appreciative thank you note if they were guests in someone else's home but not at my home. If my son was in the Navy on leave, realized he had some things he needed to do and needed to get back to base quickly I would kick his butt for pausing to wake me up or write a long note. I wouldn't expect my son to wake the family up if he needed to leave unexpectedly. Behavior #3 - Your family is gregarious, he is not, he stifles the vibe at your house. You would be doing your daughter a favor if you teach her not to let those things bother her (and you). She has a lifetime of being around difficult people - college roommates, co-workers, possibly in-laws. It would be better for him if he learned how to join in, but it would be a gift to your daughter if you taught her that she cannot control others but she can control herself. It is also a gift to your daughter to learn to be inclusive and draw out difficult people in a way that is not overbearing. Not only is it the kind and decent way to be but also some people earn more money through their excellent soft skills. Behavior #4 - The person causing this problem with your daughter is your wife. As mentioned above, you, your wife and your daughter need to get family counseling for the 3 of you. He is your daughter's half brother, she shouldn't have to *entertain* him very often. Also, your daughter needs to be communicating these issues with her mother if she isn't already doing that. Your daughter sounds melodramatic to me for the situation you are describing. 16 year old girls (boys too) can be real drama queens, even if they were not that way as kids or young teens. Keep in mind your daughter will feed off your feelings and actions and our kids are very, very, very good at sensing what our feelings are even if we think we have kept them hidden. Families are messy, people are messy. This is a golden opportunity to teach your daughter how to deal lovingly, kindly, compassionately with awkward people while still doing what she needs to do to keep her own life reasonable. It is so much better if she has had experience with this before she goes off to college while you are there to act as a sounding board and sometimes a buffer. Sometimes our kids are in stressful, awkward situations that we want them removed from when really those very situations are going to prepare them for something down the road. What if your daughter has a stepson with Aspberger's one day, or a child with Aspberger's. Or a roommate or coworker. If I were your wife I would not sit down and talk to my son about Aspberger's or even much of this behavior you describe and I would embrace family counseling with you and your daughter. If I were you I would couch this to your wife in terms of going to a counselor to learn how to best help your stepson and also to help your daughter deal with this. For one thing it's true, your wife does need to go in order to learn how to best support your stepson and your/her daughter. I know you said previous visits over the years went fine but now they're not. That could be due to a lot of things. Maybe the visits are longer now, in which case you would see more issues bubbling up no matter how delightful he is. Maybe he is stressed from his college difficulties and now joining the Navy, perhaps doubting his path in life. Perhaps before both he and his brother visited together and he was more comfortable then or perhaps having his brother there masked some of his issues. I think your wife is correct that it is not her place and not yours to talk to him about possible Aspberger's Syndrome at this point in his life. It's not your place or hers to ask him to go get evaluated or tested; the time for that was years ago. It doesn't sound like any of you have a close relationship with him. The thing to do now is to build a good relationship with him. He probably really needs your support right now at this point in his life so this is a golden opportunity to build that solid relationship. Welcome him, love him, respect him as a person and a member of your family. If you do that then later on the time will come when you or your wife can broach some of your concerns. I am not hearing that he says mean things or sexually inappropriate things, not hearing that he steals things or destroys things. Not hearing anything about drugs or alcohol, nothing about him offering your daughter drugs or alcohol. Not hearing about him taking your car and wrecking it or constantly hitting you up for money. This does not sound like an awful situation to me, just a situation that is awkward and uncomfortable. You know, your daughter is going to have awkward and uncomfortable situations with family in her future whether your stepson visits or not. What kind of person do you want her to be? If you want her to believe that family is important even if it's awkward or uncomfortable then model that for her. What if her husband doesn't like you, do you want her to expect that her husband will still be thoughtful and considerate to you? If so, then model that for her with your stepson. Last, if I were you I would go to counseling with your daughter and give her some time to talk to the counselor by herself. Your daughter could be melodramatic because she's feeding off your emotions, because she's just going through a drama queen phase right now, because she's upset about something else in her life and projecting it onto this situation. But there could be things she isn't telling you or your wife that are valid concerns. Whatever you decide, I hope and wish the best for all of you. It's not easy knowing the right thing to do sometimes.