Help: I'm still in mourning for what Bluestone used to be
pbl_ge
8 years ago
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gailwrite
8 years agoRelated Discussions
still need help I'm going crazy!
Comments (10)The problem here is you don't know what's wrong, and so you go to replacing stuff that doesn't need replacing, and fixing stuff that doesn't need fixing. The truth is - we've all done the same thing at one time or another. It's the way untrained mechanics get things done, or not. I used to supervise large construction projects, and we had a lot of heavy equipment. We also had a full time "backyard mechanic" to fix the small things that went wrong. Once he worked on a 20 ton yard crane for three days trying to get it to run. I finally realized he had no idea what was wrong, and called Cummings diesel. The guy came out and in less than 30 minutes found the problem. I learned something that day. I learned it's easy to fix the stuff you know is broke, but sometimes when you don't know what it is - it's better to take it to someone who has seen it before, like a dealers service department, as hard as that is to take - it might turn out to be cheaper....See MoreHi! Surprise! I'm still here
Comments (16)Well, thank you all for the comments. I don't think I really made myself clear, though. Probably because (as Asolo so smartly pointed out) I was kind of wallowing in self pity last evening. I do that. Wish I didn't. But I do. I was not actually asking for a solution. I made promises when I married and I take those very seriously. And I've done the math here for quite a few years. Yes, it's lonesome. No, it's not what I had in mind. It isn't even what I had reason to expect when I married this time. It wasn't like this in the beginning. But I have no intention of leaving. I have a lot invested here - literally. When we married I was the one who had a house and that went a long way toward buying the place we have now. If we split up, so does this place and it's all I have. Half of it isn't enough to keep either of us in rent. I went through one horrific divorce and came out with something (not much but something). But that was southern CA and that's a community property state. This isn't and what we have isn't worth nearly that much. So, for practical reasons alone, I won't leave. My ex is now a millionaire and I will have to work until I drop. (sigh) But I do have a home. It's not fancy or worth a lot of money but it's rural and private and pleasant and I like it. Besides that, I don't hate my husband. Far from it, in fact. I am just very disappointed. And I get very lonely and sad. I guess what I wanted from this post was a bit of encouragement. I read so many posts by women who seem to be in similar situations...I just thought that there might be a bit of comfort. Well...just goes to show, doesn't it? If I knew how to get what I want I wouldn't be in this mess. A few of you seem to have gotten the impression that I am happier alone than when my husband is home. That is not exactly right. I do enjoy the time I spend by myself because I get busy and work in my garden or do some chores around my house. I enjoy that. But not the way I would enjoy an affectionate spouse. I would much prefer to have his company IF I felt that he really wanted to be with me. That is the part that troubles me. He spends so much time elsewhere that it seems to me that he would rather be someplace else than with me during the short times I am home from work. If he doesn't WANT to be with me...well...I don't want to inflict myself on anyone. I only meant that I don't just sit and cry when he isn't around. Or, for that matter, when he is. I make a HUGE effort - usually successful, I think - to be upbeat and positive. I don't complain or pick fights. I try very hard not to give him reasons to want to be elsewhere. And for the short times he is with me he doesn't really seem miserable. He just doesn't treat me like a wife but rather like a roommate or a casual friend. I can only assume that it's enough for him because he is definitely setting the pace here. But it sure leaves me feeling rejected. I do value the (somewhat unexpected) advice you all have given, though. Thank you all for your concern and suggestions. "From what you've written, it seems to me you're living in wishes. This is your life. You've only got one of them. Act. If you don't, you'll be 58 next year and nothing will have changed." Asolo, you are always wise. Not always tactful - go ahead and laugh - but you do cut through the brush. You are quite right. I am living in wishes. And you are right that it's pointless. What I need to do is figure out some way to more fully enjoy the life I have. I don't really expect much change from the outside but maybe I can change what I am wishing for. Still, I think that the desire for a kind word -a hug now and then, I friendly glance, a compliment - is a real human need. If you are fortunate to have those things you probably don't even give them a thought. But imagine for a moment if you didn't have any of them. If the "thank you" at the fast food window was the friendliest thing you would hear all day...might you not even write a pitiful, whiny post online at night hoping for something more? Pathetic? Yes. But understandable, I think....See MoreSD19 still needs assertiveness training....I'm disengaging
Comments (4)I think it is possible the SD does indeed keep caught in the middle of Mom and SM. I also don't think she 'lied' or told a half truth. At the time the discussion first took place, SD had not yet made plans for the summer break with Mom...after reading some of your previous threads, I can't help but notice there has been long standing feud over exact days/visits. The SD was wrong in that she committed and did not follow through on what she agreed to. The mother is wrong for pressuring her daughter to take 'a summer job committment' seriously and making a big ta-do over a day or day (something that this mother though has been known to repeatedly do). And you are wrong with withholding your relationship with the SD in a temper tossing hurt feeling mode. The girl really is stuck between the two 'moms'. One screaming 'be an adult' one minute while treating her as the 'child' the next. The other one still playing the same old games of rearranging schedules no matter who it affects in an all out path of having her daughter 'at home' as many days as possible (while still treating daughter as a yung child/early teen). In an attempt to keep somewhat harmony between the SD's 'moms' daughter ends up being indecisive, nonresponsibile and still kept very much the child while being told to act the adult. If I were the girl, I'd be tempted to remain where I attend school. Maybe visit for a a short spell with each side and work my summer at a job that would enable me to have something more than 'babysitting' for references. Because you are disappointed and your feelings are hurt you intend to punish the SD. You'll just after 15 yrs of being mommy #2 you'll just suddenly begin being 'her fathers wife'. And you'll label a 'test' to see if the relationship can withstand the 'test'. The first time SD expresed her newly found 'adult views' aka opinions (example, daughter's eating habits) you took a personal offense to it and again you're feelings are hurt and deny the SD who you say you want to start acting/thinking like an adult for her effort in doing so. The SD can't win here. Send LS to the daycare as now planned. Quite frankly you can read all the books you please on 'disengaging' and 'teaching assertiveness', but but until you start practicing actually raising the SD with the open mind that she is becoming an adult (even when her new found adult views annoy you), and continue to treat her as the child (both 'moms') it's just setting up more hurt feelings and keeping the girl a girl stuck in the middle. She's young, socializing with a whole new group of people, seeing different lifestyles and discovering who she is and what she believes. My niece as decided her new found 'thing' in life is to be a veggie,...she'd have a stroke to think you're LS eats skittles and poisons her body blah blah blah. LOL. Once 'kids' start expanding their social network, experiencing new groups and ideas, well they can be quite crazy in their new 'worldly views'. My 2 cents. Good luck to you. Sd has reached the age between childhood and adulthood and she's likely to say many more things that appear to be 'anti-you' (or mom or dad or the neighbor) while she opens those wings and begins to shape her own ideas....See MoreI'm mourning the loss of a very dear, close friend...
Comments (11)It's amazing how reliant so many of us get on these things! Yes I have a new one and getting it organized a bit. I haven't buried my old friend yet. I'm going to see if a heart transplant can bring life back. Been wanting a second one anyway. I have plenty of machines around I could get a desktop put together but the notebook is so much more convenient. The worst part is how it happened two days before I needed to head out of town for a picnic. And of course all planning, checklists, etc, were in there! So my memory got tested. But I survived it and had a good time. Used some of the time at the motel to download some of the huge files too. 135mb just for Windows updates. Then of course antivirus, spyware programs, etc. Thanks all for the kind words. But the reminder for building a "naughty chair" is in the old computer so it'll be a while before that'll happen! ;) I'm getting some thunder here so I suppose I'd better log off. Don't need the new one to get zapped....See Moremad_gallica (z5 Eastern NY)
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