This is a really tough one. It sounds like your brother has done everything possible to try to mend fences, but it's not possible because your sister simply won't let it happen. It seems like she's transferred her difficult relationship with your parents onto your brother and isn't willing to let go. Here's what I'd do: 1) Make sure your brother knows that you support him, that you know that this isn't his fault, and that you love him. He's had to bear the brunt of her animosity, and I'm sure it's been very difficult for him. (You've probably done this already, but it wouldn't hurt to do it again!) 2) Everyone (including your brother) needs to make a joint decision to refuse to discuss this with your sister ever again. I'd say to her one time, "Sister, we're all tired of hearing about this grievance that should have been forgotten years ago. We will not discuss it with you again, and we will not listen to you badmouth Brother." And I wouldn't discuss this decision with her, I'd simply tell her that this is how it is now, and then implement it immediately. 3) Whenever she tries to bring it up, I'd say "I'm not discussing this with you" and turn away. Or simply say nothing and turn away. Do not ever specifically address anything she says related to this grievance and don't ever get drawn into a conversation about it - just shut down immediately. If she's willing to talk normally about other things, I'd be interested and talk to her normally. But as soon as she starts to bring up this grievance, ignore her and turn away. If she starts badmouthing your brother, I'd say "I'm not listening to that" and hang up the phone, walk away, stop responding in any way. This will be hard to do because she won't want to give up her dramatic audience, so everyone will need to be very consistent. She'll probably even escalate her behavior for awhile to try to get everyone to respond like they used to, and it's important that you don't give in. The last thing you want to do is reinforce the idea that all she has to do is behave really really badly in order to get the response she wants. Whenever she's willing to talk about other things, I'd be interested and engaged to try to encourage the behavior you want from her. But I'd shut down immediately whenever she brings up the past or trash talks your brother. The hope is that over time, she'll give up on badmouthing and attacking your brother because it never gets the dramatic response she wants anymore - it just gets her frozen out. And even if she never quite gives it up, at least you'll be spending less time and energy on it by refusing to give it any more of your attention.

I have been dealing with this for 33 years. I tried everything suggested here. My husband has two daughters. i have no children of my own. i had to have a hhysterectomy when I was 25. i married my husband when I was 36 and happly single. He was too, after being divorced five years from his high school sweetheart,. She immigrated from South America to his small Southern town, when she was a young teen,. She was exotic and alluring to a naive teen. She had horrific underlying issues that to date have not been dealt with. Her mother was married when she got pregnant by another man and had her, supposedly to get out of the marriage. She left her and her older sister from her marriage, with her parents and moved to the United States. They joined her years later in my husbans’s small town.. Seven or eight years ago, my husband’s ex wife learned via genetic testing she had a brother who had used the same DNA testing service. He was adopted I suppose as an infant. Who knows how many others there could be. this behavior reminds me of a species of bird, the cowbird. They do nor rear their young themselves. They lay their eggs in the nest of other species, usually smaller in size. From the time they are hatched they are larger and demand more food. Very often the legetimate siblings die from starvation or are crowded out of the nest before they can fly and care for themselves. When both parents are not willing to work together post divorce about the children they created, put their needs and wants before that of their children, it is going to be a disaster in some way. Add to it someone with this background above, and a dupisaster is guaranteed. I am a young senior now. I was very idealistic when I married my husband. I also saw two teens neglected by a mother who was focused solely on her career. My husband came from a home of very modest means but well educated. he has a PhD in Engineering. He is an only child but spent his first seven years in his grandmother’s home with his parents and an orphaned female cousin (Depression era). He was surrounded by a very close knit family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. They all went to the same school and church together, gathered together often, and lived by the Golden Rule. I was born and raised in the South too, in very much the same way. The difference being iI lived in a much larger city and I am the youngest of three siblings, We have lost our parents and both of my siblings. My mother and siblings died within the past three years. There never was going to be a way for all of this to turn out well. . When the ex wife retired she had nothing left to do but focus on her children and our grandchildren. We do not understand her and never will. We should not have to. But we have been forced to live with the consequences of her behavior and the influence she has over her daughters and the grandchildren. We have not heard from our children and grandchildren in five years. For many years, while the ex was emplyed, we were in contact continuously, very happily involved. We lived n the same town with the ex and one daughter and her family, the other an hour away up untl Christmas of 2019.. In the beginning I thought it would be good for my husband’s ex and I to have a courteous relationship in order to manage the girls activities and stop the obvious and normal game playing children of divorce do to get what they want. I found out quickly that was never going to happen. I love my step daughters and grandchildren. so I did the best I could. But no matter what I did, I stepped on the ex wife’s toes, Multiply thar by two girls who were starved for what their mother could or would not give them for most of their lives. We got tired of being hurt by these two daughters and their mother. They abandoned us over a flurry of insane activy involving a divorced stepdaughter. She divorced her husband of 21 years in record time. They had accrued a lot of property, lived in a million dollare home. My stepdaughter drove a new Mercedes Benz. Six weeks after the divorce was finalized she got involved with a man who did not make enough money to pay his $350 rent and borrowed money from her. He lived in a hovel, with barely any decent furnishings, his clothing piled waist high in the corners of the room he slept in. He did not even empty his mailbox of junk mail. Instead he let it spill onto the ground and carved a niche out of what was packed into the box. He spent his days hanging out in a cafe, his nights in a bar, surrounded by women half his age. At nearly 50 years old he had nothing to show for his existence other than a short lived marriage that produced no children. He has a Bachelor’s degree in History. When my stepdaughter brought him to meet us he was dirty, unshaven, disrespectful, and talked only about beer and his mutt dogs. All of our red flags went up and have stayed up since. He has never done anuthing to change the first impression we had of him. He has only made it worse. My stepdaughter moved him in on top of her children, devastated by a divorce they were too young to understand or see coming. At some point thay went to the courthouse and got married. We do not know when. They had a coming out party in my stepdaughter’s home, calling it a Christmas party. We were traveling and unable to attend. When we learned of the marriage we were shocked. My stepdaughter had never spoken well of this man to us. She swore to us she had no plans of getting married. But when we reacted the way we did she flew into a rage. This was the beginning of the end. She was estranged from her mother who had desperately been trying to win her daughter back. Suddenly the perfect opportunity arose. Her mother fully embraced this creature my stepdaughter married. Thus began the campaign against us. Cruelty began first, hen alienation. we were so very naive about what was going on. Mockery and amusement at our bewilderment was constant. Then alienation when I confronted my stepdaughters’ behavior. All of this took too much out of us, We spent one last holiday season alone, surrounded by family, and two days later moved from our home of over 40 years. it is not easy beginning a new life at our ages but is so much better than how we were living. We love where we live no, which is on the opposite side of the continent from all of the pain and insanity. If the damage done does not cause us to lose our lives sooner than later then we have a chance at happiness again.

It's so funny how I KNOW everything you're saying but how different it sounds coming from someone else and not myself. And you are 100% correct that she tricked him into it. BOTH times. 1st was for marriage, the second was the first talk of divorce. I know how important it is for him to plan our "trying." I've been on pre-natals since November but we've pushed it back from this past Feb. to this coming Sept. I am willing to compromise to whatever his needs (reasonably) so that he is 100% ready for it to happen if/when it does. And he's voiced how excited he is to try for a girl - he's an amazing dad and I know she'd be a total "daddy's girl" which worries him that I want my own baby so bad and she'd be more about him than me *LOL* :) I know part of my issues are jealousy and part are this insecure part of me that doesn't like to be new at something. I'm the youngest and vividly recall feeling stupid for not knowing information or how to do something that the older kids could. I hear people talk about the life changing "wow we have a baby; what now?" affect. My friend was talking about how she and her husband were married 5 years before having their oldest. She said they wanted it, tried for it, but still came home from the hospital, put him in his bouncy chair and just looked at each other like, "now what?" It really bothers me that he will never have that "let's figure this out together" thing with me. He already knows what to do with a baby. It's even more upsetting as a woman that my husband could answer my pg/baby questions. It's actually nauseating to me. The other part is that I can't even confide in the one woman I never felt stupid "not knowing" around - my mom - because she passed away 6 years ago this June. I'm close with my MIL, she's a lovely lady, I just miss what I had with my mom. I think that's why I want a girl so badly. My sister and I are very different people but she understands me and also had her 1st after the death of our mom. I know she will be there for me (and she's had two girls and is a SM of a 15-year-old boy.) It's nice to have supports (you all included!) Jessegirl, I actually had such a difficulty adjusting to my whole situation (5000 mi. away from anyone I know, stay-at-home mom from previous working woman, dealing with the emotions of "step-mom" "second wife") and wondered if I really want to "start over" since they will both be in school next year. But then that thought angers me; That I'm burnt out on being a mom and I've never felt a baby kick. I already gave up on the possibility of multiple kids of my own but really feel that I NEED a baby of my own. I think I deserve that. Fortunately, so does my DH. And it will be amazing to create life from love instead of manipulation. I just wish I could OWN what you all have said. I know I'm the mom here and I know I'm the one the boys will think back to and I know I've been put here for a reason and that those boys need me. And I need them...it's just so strange the way the head and heart have this strange disconnect feature between them, y'know? MIL is a twin and sometimes I hope to have twins myself because I KNOW that will be different for him! How juvenile is that?!?!?! Well...Thanks for listening guys... The in-laws arrived safely and I must return downstairs. The puter' is in our room, which is theirs for the next two weeks so my apologies in advance for not being around much! J

I have read Marmies story and can sympathise. I have a slightly similar situation, although I don't have my own kids. I have to add that I worry about having children with my partner because of the brother my child will have, I also understand the dislike, it can't be helped he's not your child afteralll and I applaud your honesty. It's hard to come out and say but being honest with yourself is the first step to solving the problem. His father and natural mother have allot to answer for, this boy clearly is not getting the support he needs. I consider your best course of action to kick the fathers butt !! The boy firstly needs to seek professional help for the bed wetting. In our situation my as is encouraged to drink plenty of water during the day but no fluids 2 hours before bed time and no diuretics in the afternoon (black currant juice, caffine, etc) this has to be supported by the mother but if you explain it to the child and that this course of action will help he may continue to follow instructions when at his mothers. The next is diet. I don't care who disagrees, the correlation between ADHD and diet is incontrovertible to my mind. Cut out all unnatural food. You can gradually reintroduce natural sweets and chocolate (actual real chocolate not American chemical filled brown nonsense) you WILL be able to identify which foods he reacts negatively too ( look for redness in the skin, increased tics, inability to hold prolonged eye contact, not having full control of what he's saying, unable to hold a conversation or listen ) the reaction can be subltle so you will need to pay attention. Make time for him, talk to him about what interests him. Inspire him to be a better person, talk about socialisation, the importance of respecting people and the joy of finding friends. A professional can help and given that he's from a broken home this is something you can hopefully discuss with his school. If the support isn't there for him, consider changing schools. Remember that this is your children's brother and that they love him. Try to see him through their eyes, not yours. Think about how much time they will spend with your kids in the future.. So your gonna want to know who this boy is and have an influence on who he will become, so consider that when your finding it hard to be around him. Grizz it out for your own kids sake, it is hard, it will be hard, no one said it would be easy but it WILL be worth it, you can help turn this boys life around, what a wonderful position to be in! And all those who say "it's your choice you knew he had a kid bla bla bla" hang them we all make choices that are hard but we retain the right to ask for help or have the occasional whine about it doll, best of luck to you x