Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Step Family Conflict
My husband's ex wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I suspect that my adult step daughter has BPD as well.
For many of you, I am suspicious that your husbands' ex wives have Borderline Personality Disorder as well.
BPD causes extreme fear of abandonment, and a BPD will require absolute loyalty from children and will try to personally destroy any threat to their relationships with their ex and their kids, especially step parents. They will punish anyone who doesn't give them their way, and will create drama in order for their ex and children to rescue them. The BPD will go on dramatic punishing verbally abusive rants whenever they sense the possibility of abandonment. They fantasize that relationships still exist with ex'es and may become stalkers.
The bio parent complies with the drama out of emotional blackmail and self preservation. The step kids comply out of self preservation because they know there will be hell to pay if they don't prove their undying loyalty to the BPD and disloyalty to the step parent or to the biological parent.
You cannot have a relationship with these people or their children. To stay in a relationship with your husband, you cannot have a relationship with the step kids; it is too threatening to the BPD. If the stepkids also are BPD, they will not allow you to have a relationship with your partner, and it will never change.
Our solution was for me to completely disengage from the stepkids, and for my husband to completely disengage from his BPD daughter. He continues to have a relationship with his non BPD son. That works fairly well, most of the time.
If your husband was previously married to someone with Borderline Personality Disorser, he probably thrives on being a rescuer and loves drama, or he wouldn't have been in that relationship in the first place. It's very hard for a normal person to put up with all that toxity and drama.