Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Step Family Conflict

Southern Summer

My husband's ex wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I suspect that my adult step daughter has BPD as well.

For many of you, I am suspicious that your husbands' ex wives have Borderline Personality Disorder as well.

BPD causes extreme fear of abandonment, and a BPD will require absolute loyalty from children and will try to personally destroy any threat to their relationships with their ex and their kids, especially step parents. They will punish anyone who doesn't give them their way, and will create drama in order for their ex and children to rescue them. The BPD will go on dramatic punishing verbally abusive rants whenever they sense the possibility of abandonment. They fantasize that relationships still exist with ex'es and may become stalkers.

The bio parent complies with the drama out of emotional blackmail and self preservation. The step kids comply out of self preservation because they know there will be hell to pay if they don't prove their undying loyalty to the BPD and disloyalty to the step parent or to the biological parent.

You cannot have a relationship with these people or their children. To stay in a relationship with your husband, you cannot have a relationship with the step kids; it is too threatening to the BPD. If the stepkids also are BPD, they will not allow you to have a relationship with your partner, and it will never change.

Our solution was for me to completely disengage from the stepkids, and for my husband to completely disengage from his BPD daughter. He continues to have a relationship with his non BPD son. That works fairly well, most of the time.

If your husband was previously married to someone with Borderline Personality Disorser, he probably thrives on being a rescuer and loves drama, or he wouldn't have been in that relationship in the first place. It's very hard for a normal person to put up with all that toxity and drama.

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ldvilen75

I know my husband's ex- has that as well (either narcissistic and/or bipolar). But, unfortunately, BMs are allowed to get away with quite a bit, especially when it comes to using whatever she gots to go after SM. We all know SMs are just cheap floozies, right!? (tongue-in-cheek).

This sure hits a nerve with me, "The step kids comply out of self preservation because they know there will be hell to pay if they don't prove their undying loyalty to the BPD and disloyalty to the step parent or to the biological parent." Combine that with Parenteral Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and wow! It is amazing any SM survives.

Hmm, once again Southern Summer you have given me some food for thought. "You cannot have a relationship with these people or their children. To stay in a relationship with your husband, you cannot have a relationship with the step kids; it is too threatening to the BPD."

I mentioned on another post I was somewhat disengaged from my SKs, and I have to say it is largely because after so many years I now sense their undying loyalty to their BPD bio-mother, and, to be blunt, their undying disloyalty to me and lack of recognition of my role to their father, and that is as his wife. I don't care to be known or thought of as a type of mom--never did--but, hey!, couldn't you at least recognize my role as dad's wife!? I mean, to ignore/ insult dad's wife, is to ignore/ insult him too! This is after almost 20 years.

But, I maybe I've been overthinking this, and I just need to accept that it will never be, because as you say: "You cannot have a relationship with these people [those who suffer from BPD] or their children. To stay in a relationship with your husband, you cannot have a relationship with the step kids; it is too threatening to the BPD," . . . and it follows the BPD BM will continue to conjure a blended family hell for you either by herself and/ or by proxy (such as through the kids).

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kk sc

I completely agree-when you have a system-not just one person who uses loyalty as the weapon there is no winning for BH & SM!! The us or them game is taught at an early age and those who participate learn a bad attitude with destructive behaviors-they are not trustworthy and are out to make trouble. They learn by example even if they don't have a personality dysfunction, they grow into one-it is best to stay away! They may behave better with more distance, but don't be fooled to move closer, the snare is laid and get too close and the drama and destruction are all waiting for you! Live & learn!

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kk sc

Yesterday I ran across this on FB and it resonated with me-a little different for the stepmom. We get a mini version of our husband's ex-wife. If I had my situation explained to me in this manner years earlier in my marriage, I believe it would've saved me from a lot of heartache by changing my perspective. I hope by sharing this with my sister stepmom's I can help you with your journey as well!!


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