Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Step Family Conflict

9 years ago

My husband's ex wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I suspect that my adult step daughter has BPD as well.

For many of you, I am suspicious that your husbands' ex wives have Borderline Personality Disorder as well.

BPD causes extreme fear of abandonment, and a BPD will require absolute loyalty from children and will try to personally destroy any threat to their relationships with their ex and their kids, especially step parents. They will punish anyone who doesn't give them their way, and will create drama in order for their ex and children to rescue them. The BPD will go on dramatic punishing verbally abusive rants whenever they sense the possibility of abandonment. They fantasize that relationships still exist with ex'es and may become stalkers.

The bio parent complies with the drama out of emotional blackmail and self preservation. The step kids comply out of self preservation because they know there will be hell to pay if they don't prove their undying loyalty to the BPD and disloyalty to the step parent or to the biological parent.

You cannot have a relationship with these people or their children. To stay in a relationship with your husband, you cannot have a relationship with the step kids; it is too threatening to the BPD. If the stepkids also are BPD, they will not allow you to have a relationship with your partner, and it will never change.

Our solution was for me to completely disengage from the stepkids, and for my husband to completely disengage from his BPD daughter. He continues to have a relationship with his non BPD son. That works fairly well, most of the time.

If your husband was previously married to someone with Borderline Personality Disorser, he probably thrives on being a rescuer and loves drama, or he wouldn't have been in that relationship in the first place. It's very hard for a normal person to put up with all that toxity and drama.

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kk sc

5 years ago

Yesterday I ran across this on FB and it resonated with me-a little different for the stepmom. We get a mini version of our husband's ex-wife. If I had my situation explained to me in this manner years earlier in my marriage, I believe it would've saved me from a lot of heartache by changing my perspective. I hope by sharing this with my sister stepmom's I can help you with your journey as well!!

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ldvilen75
5 years ago
last modified: 5 years ago
I know my husband's ex- has that as well (either narcissistic and/or bipolar). But, unfortunately, BMs are allowed to get away with quite a bit, especially when it comes to using whatever she gots to go after SM. We all know SMs are just cheap floozies, right!? (tongue-in-cheek).

This sure hits a nerve with me, "The step kids comply out of self preservation because they know there will be hell to pay if they don't prove their undying loyalty to the BPD and disloyalty to the step parent or to the biological parent." Combine that with Parenteral Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and wow! It is amazing any SM survives.

Hmm, once again Southern Summer you have given me some food for thought. "You cannot have a relationship with these people or their children. To stay in a relationship with your husband, you cannot have a relationship with the step kids; it is too threatening to the BPD."

I mentioned on another post I was somewhat disengaged from my SKs, and I have to say it is largely because after so many years I now sense their undying loyalty to their BPD bio-mother, and, to be blunt, their undying disloyalty to me and lack of recognition of my role to their father, and that is as his wife. I don't care to be known or thought of as a type of mom--never did--but, hey!, couldn't you at least recognize my role as dad's wife!? I mean, to ignore/ insult dad's wife, is to ignore/ insult him too! This is after almost 20 years.

But, I maybe I've been overthinking this, and I just need to accept that it will never be, because as you say: "You cannot have a relationship with these people [those who suffer from BPD] or their children. To stay in a relationship with your husband, you cannot have a relationship with the step kids; it is too threatening to the BPD," . . . and it follows the BPD BM will continue to conjure a blended family hell for you either by herself and/ or by proxy (such as through the kids).
kk sc
5 years ago
I completely agree-when you have a system-not just one person who uses loyalty as the weapon there is no winning for BH & SM!! The us or them game is taught at an early age and those who participate learn a bad attitude with destructive behaviors-they are not trustworthy and are out to make trouble. They learn by example even if they don't have a personality dysfunction, they grow into one-it is best to stay away! They may behave better with more distance, but don't be fooled to move closer, the snare is laid and get too close and the drama and destruction are all waiting for you! Live & learn!
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This is a really tough one. It sounds like your brother has done everything possible to try to mend fences, but it's not possible because your sister simply won't let it happen. It seems like she's transferred her difficult relationship with your parents onto your brother and isn't willing to let go. Here's what I'd do: 1) Make sure your brother knows that you support him, that you know that this isn't his fault, and that you love him. He's had to bear the brunt of her animosity, and I'm sure it's been very difficult for him. (You've probably done this already, but it wouldn't hurt to do it again!) 2) Everyone (including your brother) needs to make a joint decision to refuse to discuss this with your sister ever again. I'd say to her one time, "Sister, we're all tired of hearing about this grievance that should have been forgotten years ago. We will not discuss it with you again, and we will not listen to you badmouth Brother." And I wouldn't discuss this decision with her, I'd simply tell her that this is how it is now, and then implement it immediately. 3) Whenever she tries to bring it up, I'd say "I'm not discussing this with you" and turn away. Or simply say nothing and turn away. Do not ever specifically address anything she says related to this grievance and don't ever get drawn into a conversation about it - just shut down immediately. If she's willing to talk normally about other things, I'd be interested and talk to her normally. But as soon as she starts to bring up this grievance, ignore her and turn away. If she starts badmouthing your brother, I'd say "I'm not listening to that" and hang up the phone, walk away, stop responding in any way. This will be hard to do because she won't want to give up her dramatic audience, so everyone will need to be very consistent. She'll probably even escalate her behavior for awhile to try to get everyone to respond like they used to, and it's important that you don't give in. The last thing you want to do is reinforce the idea that all she has to do is behave really really badly in order to get the response she wants. Whenever she's willing to talk about other things, I'd be interested and engaged to try to encourage the behavior you want from her. But I'd shut down immediately whenever she brings up the past or trash talks your brother. The hope is that over time, she'll give up on badmouthing and attacking your brother because it never gets the dramatic response she wants anymore - it just gets her frozen out. And even if she never quite gives it up, at least you'll be spending less time and energy on it by refusing to give it any more of your attention.
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I definitly will check it out. Thank you for the advice. I do not want the info as "ammunition" against BM but just want to find out a better way to deal with the situation. It seems NOTHING we do is ok or right. Depending on if she is having an "upswing" or "downswing". Thanks again!
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From what i have read, yes there are plenty of issues with the ex-wife, and now the SD, but the one thing that sticks out is actually the husband. I don't want to offend... but he sounds a bit spineless. It's not really want you want to think about the person you love, but his ex behaves the way she does and he allows it. He caves in, he gives her what she wants, and the daughter has learned this behavior as well. She knows that it doesn't matter how she acts, she can guilt trip him into getting whatever she wants. She also knows that he does not require her to show respect to you. In truth, he is not showing respect to you to require you to endure poor treatment. (i could be wrong, maybe he gets upset at her when she acts poorly to you) this is just what i can see based on the comments you have made. This is also the most difficult position to be in, because you can't make him stand his ground and change some of the boundaries and respect issues happening. It's something only he can do, and because he hasnt, and doesn't, you keep getting hurt by it all. The guys are usually afraid that if they don't give their ex whatever she wants, that she will make a big fuss and cause problems and drama and keep him from seeing his children. But, this child is an adult now. He really doesn't have to put up with any of this unless HE WANTS TO. Your husband is choosing to let the situation hurt you, to avoid having to take a deep breath and be the bad guy and tell both his ex-wife and daughter that this situation is not ok. If he had done this much sooner, you might not be dealing with a SD who has a lot of issues now. He helped teach her how to behave like her mother. He allowed the mother to treat him and you the way she does. Ex's will ALWAYS cause problems at some point or another. It's human nature and part of the grieving process when a relationship breaks. But not setting correct boundaries, and your husband not showing YOU the respect he should have is what has created this nightmare that does not seem to have gotten better despite 14 years of marriage. After all this time, he is still answering all of her phone calls. Why should she stop calling? She knows he will answer. Why should she stop guilt tripping him about his daughter? She knows he will do whatever she asks him to. There is no reason whatsoever for this ex, and now this daughter to behave any differently than they are. Why should they? They are getting what they want. And, it is your husband who is allowing it. The problem is not really the ex, and not really the SD. For women, it seems to be much easier to set those boundaries, to enforce them, and to insist that our ex shows respect to us and to our new partners. Most often i hear from ex-wives who say that they do not have these problems with their ex-husband. maybe because they had no problem moving on? Unfortunately, I don't have any advice on how to get your husband to stand up for you and your new family together, and you two as a couple. If i knew those answers I wouldn't be in a similar situation. They have to want it themselves. Maybe you are TOO understanding, TOO considerate, and TOO willing to put up with it? You will not change the ex, or the SD, but your husband is married to you and loves you and he has built a life with you. You do have a right to ask him to do something about his own behavior.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you to Silversword and lamom. You get what I am saying. I was not trying to "goat" anyone into anything or stir up the pot. I really was posting my deep thoughts, kind of like a journal to myself while at the same time trying to explain the situation. The reason I wrote the stuff about the BM being proud of being 'white trash' was because I was trying to explain about what I am dealing with here. That is all. I am the furtherest thing from someone who is all high and mighty and I don't think I am better than anyone else. In fact I am more of the black sheep in my family partly because I am not so judgmental and I am the rebel. I have tattoos, moved out at 17 on my own, don't like people to tell me what to do, etc. And yes I freely admit I am a control freak. That is something I am working very hard on. After the first post I was just adding details and my mind and thinking were changing. I am glad that my tune has changed since last Sunday. I am feeling much more optimistic now. Honestly I didn't think I was even going to come back to this site and I told myself today ok just go see what was said but don't post anymore. I am glad I did come back because both silversword and lamom made feel better and realize that not everyone here is so judgemental. I can take criticism and I was really thankful for the first few posts that told me to grow up because that is exactly what I needed to hear. And I do not get off on or enjoy writing inflammatory posts. I am sorry I was just writing my story and the quotes that sylviatexas posted that I wrote on the first day I registerd were written because that is what was said. I was not making anything up, that is my story and I am sticking to it, lol. My DH did not graduate but I don't hold that against him. I still love him very much. He also had a drug addiction in his past but you know what he is stronger for it and has proven how he can overcome almost anything. People do change and I do not hold their past on them forever. When I say he went through a bad period that is what I was referring. There is, of course, way more to the story and lamom is right you can not describe it all in one post, or even probably in 100. But what matters most is that this site did help me. I got a change to write my thoughts down and try to figure out what in the world I was really feeling. The more I wrote about SS and what HE has to deal with the more I found that I do care about him. I really do. It is still going to take time to build a relationship but I think it is all going to be ok.
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HU-785834612
4 years ago
Thank you for writing this blog. It is very difficult to be a step mom sometimes. I appreciate the advice. I have tried to be the bigger person for eight years and now I want nothing to do with 3 out 4 of my step children. It makes my husband unhappy but I am exhausted. My household dynamics is causing me pain and I can't allow myself to be unhappy any longer. I am a little unsure of how this going to work because the youngest of his children with her is 10 and my husband has joint custody. My husband and I have a six year old daughter together and she is in the middle of everything. His ex-wife makes everything a competition. It makes everything hard for holidays and vacations. I don't know how to create an environment that is manageable. I would really appreciate any advise or wisdom in this area.
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kk sc
4 years ago
HU I suggest you and your hubby go to counseling-the best front is united with your husband. When you can get onto the same page and you know he has your back your life will be easier. I married my husband with 4 kids and they lived with us 24/7 within a week of living with them we were constructing the family rules-which all the skids were expected to adhere to from the ages of 9 to 17. The BM family influence was extremely negative and unsupportive to our household so it was really important we stayed on the same page-united together. As the adults-we owned the checkbook and property, we were the authorized decision makers in our household-not the skids and not the trouble making relatives. It was rough-but I think it was better with the rules and talking to the skids together-none of this asking one for something the other wouldn't agree to-no conquer and divide allowed.
HU-820950280
2 years ago
So good to see others get this! my husbands ex is BPD. She did her best to keep his daughter away from him making him out to be a monster. last year the ex of my husband kicked his daughter out. She was 14. So after being married for 1 month we got her full time. its been a year and her mom has not tried to see her. i tried so hard to help ger her in a good place. she told me she joined the track team and pretended to go to track everday for a month and a half. then she vandalized the bathroom at school and it all came to a head. she had bedn lying, vaping & smoking pot instead instead. its been a rough year. she has been suicidal, steals money, lies and lies and is now in an 8 week day treatnent! she is so manipulative but is always yhe victim! i really do feel lije she is a mini version of my husbands ex! her mom never took her to the dentist. i am fixing 21 cavities, she has 6 wisdom teeth to remove(2extras) and needs braces! i also have twins a year younger than her that struggle so so much with her! stepmoming is so hard!!!!! especially with a BPD stepkid! ugggghhhhh

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Step Family Conflict

kk sc

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ldvilen75

kk sc

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