Sadly, as you age so do your friends, and I've lost two in the last few years. Both male, one gay and one not though we were never romantically involved. The friendships predated my marriage and waxed and waned as time went on but was always there. Using Marda's criterion, yes, we talked/wrote often, met more infrequently as one friend's work involved working in other states and Europe. Using Andie's definition, I'm not sure I would have called either friend for jail or marriage bail-out ...LOL I feel that's more a relative's responsibility...but I'd sure have expected a sympathetic ear and shoulder. The artist would have insisted on new clothes and hairstyling...the chef would have fed me comfort food...LOL I've not had a close woman friend since college days. Good friends, yes, but not a soulmate. I think you perhaps need to feel the lack at a particular time in life and then if you're very lucky you find that friend. I preferred to keep my personal/work life separate and purposely avoided anything other than casual greetings in neighborhood. (And yes, I was probably judged cold or snooty...LOL) But I didn't "feel the lack" then and don't now. That may change... I know the experts say that the more one socializes as we age the better but being around strangers or even casual friends for more than 2 hours is H>>>. I can just about be civil for 3 hours to DS and family...LOL Luckily the house has get-away space now and then when DH's time runs out...LOL josh

I have been dealing with this for 33 years. I tried everything suggested here. My husband has two daughters. i have no children of my own. i had to have a hhysterectomy when I was 25. i married my husband when I was 36 and happly single. He was too, after being divorced five years from his high school sweetheart,. She immigrated from South America to his small Southern town, when she was a young teen,. She was exotic and alluring to a naive teen. She had horrific underlying issues that to date have not been dealt with. Her mother was married when she got pregnant by another man and had her, supposedly to get out of the marriage. She left her and her older sister from her marriage, with her parents and moved to the United States. They joined her years later in my husbans’s small town.. Seven or eight years ago, my husband’s ex wife learned via genetic testing she had a brother who had used the same DNA testing service. He was adopted I suppose as an infant. Who knows how many others there could be. this behavior reminds me of a species of bird, the cowbird. They do nor rear their young themselves. They lay their eggs in the nest of other species, usually smaller in size. From the time they are hatched they are larger and demand more food. Very often the legetimate siblings die from starvation or are crowded out of the nest before they can fly and care for themselves. When both parents are not willing to work together post divorce about the children they created, put their needs and wants before that of their children, it is going to be a disaster in some way. Add to it someone with this background above, and a dupisaster is guaranteed. I am a young senior now. I was very idealistic when I married my husband. I also saw two teens neglected by a mother who was focused solely on her career. My husband came from a home of very modest means but well educated. he has a PhD in Engineering. He is an only child but spent his first seven years in his grandmother’s home with his parents and an orphaned female cousin (Depression era). He was surrounded by a very close knit family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. They all went to the same school and church together, gathered together often, and lived by the Golden Rule. I was born and raised in the South too, in very much the same way. The difference being iI lived in a much larger city and I am the youngest of three siblings, We have lost our parents and both of my siblings. My mother and siblings died within the past three years. There never was going to be a way for all of this to turn out well. . When the ex wife retired she had nothing left to do but focus on her children and our grandchildren. We do not understand her and never will. We should not have to. But we have been forced to live with the consequences of her behavior and the influence she has over her daughters and the grandchildren. We have not heard from our children and grandchildren in five years. For many years, while the ex was emplyed, we were in contact continuously, very happily involved. We lived n the same town with the ex and one daughter and her family, the other an hour away up untl Christmas of 2019.. In the beginning I thought it would be good for my husband’s ex and I to have a courteous relationship in order to manage the girls activities and stop the obvious and normal game playing children of divorce do to get what they want. I found out quickly that was never going to happen. I love my step daughters and grandchildren. so I did the best I could. But no matter what I did, I stepped on the ex wife’s toes, Multiply thar by two girls who were starved for what their mother could or would not give them for most of their lives. We got tired of being hurt by these two daughters and their mother. They abandoned us over a flurry of insane activy involving a divorced stepdaughter. She divorced her husband of 21 years in record time. They had accrued a lot of property, lived in a million dollare home. My stepdaughter drove a new Mercedes Benz. Six weeks after the divorce was finalized she got involved with a man who did not make enough money to pay his $350 rent and borrowed money from her. He lived in a hovel, with barely any decent furnishings, his clothing piled waist high in the corners of the room he slept in. He did not even empty his mailbox of junk mail. Instead he let it spill onto the ground and carved a niche out of what was packed into the box. He spent his days hanging out in a cafe, his nights in a bar, surrounded by women half his age. At nearly 50 years old he had nothing to show for his existence other than a short lived marriage that produced no children. He has a Bachelor’s degree in History. When my stepdaughter brought him to meet us he was dirty, unshaven, disrespectful, and talked only about beer and his mutt dogs. All of our red flags went up and have stayed up since. He has never done anuthing to change the first impression we had of him. He has only made it worse. My stepdaughter moved him in on top of her children, devastated by a divorce they were too young to understand or see coming. At some point thay went to the courthouse and got married. We do not know when. They had a coming out party in my stepdaughter’s home, calling it a Christmas party. We were traveling and unable to attend. When we learned of the marriage we were shocked. My stepdaughter had never spoken well of this man to us. She swore to us she had no plans of getting married. But when we reacted the way we did she flew into a rage. This was the beginning of the end. She was estranged from her mother who had desperately been trying to win her daughter back. Suddenly the perfect opportunity arose. Her mother fully embraced this creature my stepdaughter married. Thus began the campaign against us. Cruelty began first, hen alienation. we were so very naive about what was going on. Mockery and amusement at our bewilderment was constant. Then alienation when I confronted my stepdaughters’ behavior. All of this took too much out of us, We spent one last holiday season alone, surrounded by family, and two days later moved from our home of over 40 years. it is not easy beginning a new life at our ages but is so much better than how we were living. We love where we live no, which is on the opposite side of the continent from all of the pain and insanity. If the damage done does not cause us to lose our lives sooner than later then we have a chance at happiness again.

wow some of this hit the nail on the head first on the adoptive children. I can see the difference and big difference lies in the fact you are the ONLY MOM. there is not another person raising this child and looking out for their best welfare. There isn't a biomom who is the picture making decisions, planning the child's future. There isn't someone else's feelings or toes that you step on. YOu are it. That to me is just as natural real as your own child. It is someone you care for , look after and that rely ON YOU and only YOU> They have noone else, I can see how that could seem soo natural and feel the same as a bio children except they are adopted. When you go into adopting a child it's because you soo badly desire that child, you look, wait and plan for that child. A Stepchild, lands on your lap at any given time unplanned. Yes you may have known this was the package deal, but you didn't build that person, you werent the sole caregiver for this child, you didn't think of what he was going to look like, what you had planned as a family etc. that to me is a big difference then planning for a child to come into your life. Same w/ a bio child. I am a mother of a 15 mth old son and SM to two biochildren. It is very difficult for me to have that "same" feeling I have w/ my son. EVen before my son I felt the same way. I do think that my DH is finally coming aruond to see this after having our son together that it IS very different to having your own child. I look forward everyday to seeing my child no matter how cranky he is.. with my Skids, I look forward to seeing them but honestly I look forward to having a break from them? why I can't pin it, maybe it's resentment on the mom's part as she is always blaming my DH for stuff or tells my DH he doesn't treat them fairly, he cares more about "our" family over there. Which is so untrue. MY DH is a great dad even prior to our child. If anything he favors his first born son.. and sometimes I tell him that. But he loves all his children equally it's just they don't live w/ us fulltime so it make it harder. I also understand the fairness issue. WE get that from her, if you go on vacation you need to take them. Well what if I want to take a vacation w/ my son and DH when the skids are w/ her? Can I not? Do i always have to fill her in on my life/ my choices.. That to me is what is challenging, as I don't naturally think of my skids feelings. I naturally think I want to take a vacation w/my son and my skids, BUT sometimes I think it'd be nice to just be the three of us w/ out them while they are w/ their mom doing fun things.. ? There are times the three of us are invited to parties/bbqs etc and the kids are on their mom's weekend.. how is that fair? how is it fair we go and don't take them but on weekend sthey are w/ their BMOM they get to go to disneyland and my son doesnt? to me life isn't fair. and that is what you need to teach the kids that are in a blended family. The BM job is to make them understand that this is what happens soemtimes and it's not intentional and that we also have to live our life just as they do. BUt BM stirs up the pot and adds her 2 cents in as she is jealous of our time. even though she is remarried and has her own DH she says this is hurting the kids. To me theo nly thing that hurts the kids is when she uses them as tools to get what SHE wants or tries to put guilt on my DH instead she should be teaching the kids that it's healthy and ok to feel hurt or left out but it's their life and how things are going to be sometimes. Just like my son doesn't get to do it all either will they? If life fair no and setting them up for disappointment will only help them in the long run instead of spoiling them and telling them that their situation is perfect as it isn't.. Anyways, what i am saying is, it is very difficult to be a stepmom.. Never would I have chosen this path if I hadn't met the man that I love.. It takes a very strong person to handle this and at times i don't always feel that strong NOR want to be.

I have read Marmies story and can sympathise. I have a slightly similar situation, although I don't have my own kids. I have to add that I worry about having children with my partner because of the brother my child will have, I also understand the dislike, it can't be helped he's not your child afteralll and I applaud your honesty. It's hard to come out and say but being honest with yourself is the first step to solving the problem. His father and natural mother have allot to answer for, this boy clearly is not getting the support he needs. I consider your best course of action to kick the fathers butt !! The boy firstly needs to seek professional help for the bed wetting. In our situation my as is encouraged to drink plenty of water during the day but no fluids 2 hours before bed time and no diuretics in the afternoon (black currant juice, caffine, etc) this has to be supported by the mother but if you explain it to the child and that this course of action will help he may continue to follow instructions when at his mothers. The next is diet. I don't care who disagrees, the correlation between ADHD and diet is incontrovertible to my mind. Cut out all unnatural food. You can gradually reintroduce natural sweets and chocolate (actual real chocolate not American chemical filled brown nonsense) you WILL be able to identify which foods he reacts negatively too ( look for redness in the skin, increased tics, inability to hold prolonged eye contact, not having full control of what he's saying, unable to hold a conversation or listen ) the reaction can be subltle so you will need to pay attention. Make time for him, talk to him about what interests him. Inspire him to be a better person, talk about socialisation, the importance of respecting people and the joy of finding friends. A professional can help and given that he's from a broken home this is something you can hopefully discuss with his school. If the support isn't there for him, consider changing schools. Remember that this is your children's brother and that they love him. Try to see him through their eyes, not yours. Think about how much time they will spend with your kids in the future.. So your gonna want to know who this boy is and have an influence on who he will become, so consider that when your finding it hard to be around him. Grizz it out for your own kids sake, it is hard, it will be hard, no one said it would be easy but it WILL be worth it, you can help turn this boys life around, what a wonderful position to be in! And all those who say "it's your choice you knew he had a kid bla bla bla" hang them we all make choices that are hard but we retain the right to ask for help or have the occasional whine about it doll, best of luck to you x