I appreciate her "green-ness." And maybe she's a little shy and doesn't want the focus on her unwrapping presents for however long it takes, and it can go on too long. What will people do, just put a card or tag attached to the item? A table with wrapped gifts is so pretty.

That said, just go with the flow. It's her choice, and isn't really that important. Life would be boring if everyone did everything exactly the same.

"That said, just go with the flow. It's her choice, and isn't really that important. Life would be boring if everyone did everything exactly the same."

x2

I say go w/ flow but...what will be next? Future bride/mom or her peeps decide not to offer food and drinks b/c it would mean wrappers going in the landfill, how far will somebody go to be 'green'. What if I say I wont go to the shower b/c I don't want to pollute the air by driving from my house to theirs? OP said poster wasn't being green, she just wanted more time to chit chat, which is good but on the showers I used to attend, the honoree had a friend next to her doing to opening so honoree could enjoy herself more. Must have changed.....

ETA just got an imagine of somebody gifiting a sex toy and it not being wrapped...classy.

I have spent MANY hours at bridal & baby showers sitting there watching the honoree open gifts. I do not mean to insult anyone - but what a waste of time! Showers were "invented" as a reason for stay at home women to get together & socialize. I work 5-6 days a week & I hate spending 4-5 hours at a shower on my limited time off watching someone open gifts. I agree that the time can be better spent mingling.

Go with the flow...but I agree WTH. I spend a lot of time on wrapping and think it is odd....maybe the new thing. I have several baby shower invites that told me what size diapers to bring in addition to the gift....times are changing

I think it's a great idea. I never enjoyed opening gifts in front of a room of friends, and I really never enjoyed watching someone else opening gifts.

ML

I agree that it doesn't sound fun, but I also come from a huge family, and after the fourth toaster oven and fiftieth bow have been undone, it can be overwhelming, and the opening does get tedious.

Strategies:

You can go retro and build a present out of small items, like a dishtowel bride (usually a ladle for a head with a face drawn on a paper towel over it, box grater body and wooden spoon arms, put together with craft wire and begowned with white dishtowels held together with pins or bag clips), or a "wishing well" out of a large pot with a bunch of little gadgets (strawberry huller, corn holders, clips, magnets, etc.) wrapped in different colors of foil as the "coins". Though the contents aren't "on display" per se, they're clever and supposed to be seen without an overbox and wrapping paper.

You can go up to the minute and go green with Wrapsacks, or similar drawstring bags, so that if the bride wants to display the pieces, she still has to open them, but it's just a matter of removing the bag, and, if it's a nice cloth one, like a Wrapsack, the bag becomes a gift, too.

Do a really pretty wrapping job, with a poofy bow, nosegay, little bride and groom figures, or whatnot, and say you didn't want to deprive her of the beautiful gift wrap, and that she should display that, because it's just a pot, or something off her registry (or whatever) inside.

Drop the gift by the bride's or mother's house ahead of the shower date, unwrapped, and say, "Oh, well I thought if it was too much bother to unwrap, it would be too much bother to carry it to the car, so we can get getting it home out of the way before the party."

Or be cooperative, be kind to the bride, and just do what she's asked.

The main reason I've given you alternatives is that I've seen brides at showers look really disappointed, especially when they just get stuff off their registries in the store boxes with barely a bow, and rarely a ribbon. Nothing clever or unusual, or even beautiful wrapping, and it's just stuff. A really big let down.

I would be thrilled to not have to sit there watching the future bride or young mother unwrapping gifts one by one, having to ooo and aah over each one, when what I am really thinking is "when do we eat". Then there is that huge pile of wrapping paper at the end. Plus, it spares some poor soul from having to be the "scribe" of who gave what for future thank you notes. I hope this is the new trend!

The bride to be may have a social phobia about being the center of attention. I've gone through the silliness of having to don a bow hat for photos, and it's miserable!

I'd never heard of a 'display shower' but in googling it, doesn't sound all that uncommon and has been done for a while. Staying 'green' only partly the reason. With DH's great big family and all the things that go on within big families (unending birthdays, showers, weddings, graduations), you'd think I'd know this stuff ;) But we went to our first 'reveal' dinner about a year ago and I was completely unfamiliar with that too....a dinner to reveal the gender of baby (baby to be, not yet born) to everyone all at once. Times are a changin' - and making me feel dated.

Edited to add, I just now reminded DH we had been to a reveal, and now should maybe learn 'display' - and described that to him. He laughed, and said we could loan them XXX (insert the name of our eldest nephew). From the time his fingers could manage paper and ribbon, no gift was safe within his reach, he loved to tear into packages even more than he liked the presents..... he's 40 yrs old now though, might take some convincing to be loaned out for parties ;-)

dedtired, I like your thinking. "Let's get to that cake!!"

I've been to showers where people are chatting in the kitchen or elsewhere, not really paying attention to the unwrapping.

When did people start planning/throwing their own showers? It's not proper. Hell if that's how it is just call everyone and ask for a gift. I think it's all wrong...sorry.

AAA you are so right. Plus showers were never meant to be huge affairs. They were meant for close friends to celebrate together. If the guest list was limited to actual friends their would be no need to spend hours opening gifts. There would also be no comments here about "barely knowing" the bride to be.

Agreed. My friend threw a baby shower for her daughter, which I thought was tasteless. I offered to have it at my house (which is larger) but she declined. I don't think she was aware that the family is not supposed to throw showers for themselves.

The shower is being given by the mother of the bride. Almost a week - 5 days - before the RSVP was due, she gave the groom's mother a list of names to call because those people hadn't RSVPed yet. (Yes, I know that RSVPed is not correct:)

Family should not give showers. Breach of etiquette. Period.

I'm all for not having to wrap gifts or watch them being unwrapped. It sounds great to me!

I must be old. I always thought opening gifts or watching someone else opening gifts was fun.

OP forgive me for digressing but this reminded me of my first bridal shower. I had moved to husband's town and didn't know anybody. When the subject came up I told MIL that I wanted to skip shower as i didn't want my people travelling just for a shower and strangers feeling obligated to buy gifts for unknown me--Just didn't seem right. Besides we had the resources to get everything and anything we wanted to set a household. MIL wouldn't hear of it and said "you have no idea how many people have hit me for shower gifts--it is our turn to get back". I was stunned and amused that she wanted to go through all that trouble. We had a cousin help me unwrap the countless presents and somebody else write down details so I could write proper TY notes. She was the best part of that dang marriage, ha. I will say it got tiresome to oh ah by the time we were opening the 30th gift. Sounds ungrateful, I know but that's how it was.

bossyvossy, love you for digressing, it's like really sitting around a kitchen table and when someone says something, someone else says, oh, yeah, makes me remember...think of...

Totally agree with the etiquette that it's not the immediate family (or --horrors-- the honoree) who throws the shower, but they're not always small. I've given showers when the honoree could barely scrape together twenty people all told family and friends, but in my generation in my family, there were usually three showers: my family (a large affair in a hotel--maybe 100 people, and only those who would be hurt and offended not to be included, given by aunts or cousins), the spouse's family (if there were also a large group), and the friends, which might also include a couple of spouse's family if there weren't enough of them to have their own party. But then, household items were a lot more expensive then and we were marrying from home/student, so dowering was still an important function. It was also part of the whole bridal celebration process, which could be up to six months of events. I guess with the even chances of divorce nowadays, lacking the sense of permanence people don't do it up for a wedding so easily.

Showers were always a lot of fun back when, with beautiful homemade decorations, and games which brought hilarity without being mean. And if opening the packages got tedious, so what? It meant the bride had a chance to interact with each person or group who gave her something, one a time, while she opened their gifts. And there was a lot of ooohing, because most of the items weren't pre-picked (registered), or cheaply replaceable, whereas nowadays, a quick trip to Costco could furnish a whole home. The gifts weren't always expensive other than what I meant about things being relatively cheaper now. It might just be a rubber spatula and wooden spoon from the dime store wrapped together with the giver's most popular cookie recipes. That's priceless. We always tried to make something clever that would be entertaining, as well.

I'm waxing nostalgic, because I've been to some showers recently which were elegant but not much fun, and others which were cool and modern, but snarky and not much love felt. Too many of them seem to be only about the loot, and what's the point of having a party if it's not going to be fun?

Truth is, traditionally, it's not to be hosted by a family member.

OK, honest question for the table here. I'm much younger than most of you but there are times that I feel my etiquette "sense" is older than my grandmother; or maybe I really am wrong.

Case in point, a few years ago, a good friend of mine was getting married (first marriage) and I was the matron of honor. I got the impression from a few people that I should be throwing her a shower and my belief was that it would be a pointless and tactless gift grab so I didn't do it.

I wasn't trying to slight her and as far as I can tell, she has never been upset with me about it, we are still close friends and I hosted her baby shower but I still find it puzzling.

They were both well established adults, had already set up their house and had been living together for a few years.

The purpose of a shower is to help the recipient (bride or new mother) set up for this new household dynamic.

To help the new bride get cookware and dishes and ironing board/s and linens, etc to run a house. If said bride and bridegroom have already lived together for years, own their own dishes, linens, etc it seems pointless.

They will already be receiving wedding gifts, do they really need to be showered with household items they already own as well?

The same goes for baby showers. A first time mom doesn't have any of the necessary baby gear so a shower is meant to help her prepare her house for a new baby with strollers, car seats, bottles, bibs, childproofing, clothes, etc. If she already has a kid and still has the baby gear, what is the point?

I only had a proper shower with my first born almost 9 years ago. With the other 3, I still wanted a celebration to acknowledge them but it was a much smaller "meet the baby" party a month after they were born. I didn't register because I didn't need anything! I was neck deep in baby gear as it was and thankfully, the majority of the attendees at the future parties either brought nothing or gave a cute specialty outfit, you know, the kind a practical mother wouldn't spend 30$ on but is oh so adorable in pictures! Those gifts were the same ones people might give for a new baby anyway so, much like the wedding example, the "shower" is unnecessary.

So tell me honestly, am I the crazy one here?

Texas_Gem, you sound very sane to me.

Texas..no one is on the hook to throw a shower. It is a voluntary event to be given by a close friend who desires to do so. No matter the age or social status of the bride. Baby showers are pretty much the same. And I agree that for the second or third etc child some things won't be needed. But those are usually just the big ticket items...cribs..strollers etc. Baby clothes, diapers, and such will be needed. Especially if its going to be of the opposite sex of the previous child. Truth is you get a gift if you want to period. You won't go to ettiquette hell if you don't. If I'm not going to be important in the childs life I don't get an expensive gift anyway.

Texas_Gem, the specifics of things like what the matron of honor's duties are vary all over the place. This isn't even regional or cultural, but what's current among the particular circle of friends. It sounds like you and the bride were on the same page, so don't worry about it. I've hosted a good number of bridal showers, but only for one was I maid of honor. That isn't an expectation in my circle.

There might still be a shower as part of the wedding festivities even if the couple are older and more settled. Sometimes there's a theme, like if they'll be moving to their first house, it'll be gardening supplies. If they really have everything they need or the resources to procure anything, it might be a charity shower. Sometimes to support a specific cause, or in conjunction with a sponsored run, other times a gathering of food for the local pantry or items for a rummage sale, so there are "gifts" with bows to be made into the traditional ribbon bouquet, and other times, it might be a service project, like cleaning the beach, making sack lunches for the homeless or packing necessities for deployed soldiers.

Something that I think gets lost in all the talk of etiquette and gifts is that these events are meant to be a time for expressing love and support for the ones entering a new phase of life.

AAA, I don't know if your post following mine was meant for me, but I can tell you there's no way someone who wasn't a member of the extended family would tackle the guest list of "must be inviteds" in my family! Nor would we impose it upon them. It's never the mother or sister, but often is the aunts of the bride who host. Someone might say it's only supposed to be the near and dear, but that's what I'm talking about! The hundred near and dear who would feel hurt and slighted if there weren't a shower and if they weren't invited. But that's also why our brides' friends do separate showers, so they can have their fun together rather than being overwhelmed by the clan. Often the maid of honor, and the groom's immediate female relatives, will attend, but as they'll be at other showers, if they bring anything it's a memento rather than a dowering gift. But then it also seems like we're a much more gifting community than many who post here belong to. Some members here don't even do Christmas presents.

In my experience showers are often a mix of people who may not know each other. This could make for awkward socializing. I always found the opening of gifts to be unifying. One gets to know the people as gifts are open, stories thought of, shared... It is very possible the bride said no to the shower because she feels awkward receiving the gifts, being on display while she has to open them and this was a compromise. I have heard of the "rule" of no family hosting a shower. When your wedding party is all family--this "rule" doesn't work as one of the "jobs" of the maid of honor/bridesmaids is to host a shower, I was taught. My mother in law's best friend hosted a shower for me. If she hadn't and my MIL lived this 'rule' I would have missed out meeting many of the 'older' women who watched my DH grow up. That would have been a bigger loss that far out weighed the "rule" breaking IMHO. That is a very special memory in my life. For me this "display shower" would be awkward to attend. It is a bizarre concept carrying in a "gift" with no wrapping. I wonder what the array of cast off plastic shopping bags being carried in will look like? Not festive for sure. The other side of me would be thrilled to get to spend the wrapping cost on the actual gift instead of paper that just gets thrown away. I know I LOVE the registries where by bride and groom choose the "green" request i.e. no wrapping, but those are mailed directly to the house and no one sees any of it anyway.

So are we concluding wrapping gifts is for the giver in the long run and thus feel cheated by the request?

So tell me honestly, am I the crazy one here?

******

Not at all. I didn't receive, nor did I really want a shower for my marriage to DH. It's my second and his first. We were grown adults and I just couldn't really picture it. We also live a few hours away from family.

I also don't get why women want or get baby showers for babies after #1. I can see exceptions (second marriage and it's spouse's first, a huge gap between babies...), but when a couple is on their third baby, it's a gift grab.

And I agree that for the second or third etc child some things won't be needed. But those are usually just the big ticket items...cribs..strollers etc. Baby clothes, diapers, and such will be needed. Especially if its going to be of the opposite sex of the previous child

******

I see this no differently than the rampant crowd sourcing that's so prevalent today. If you want another child, prepare for another child. It's not society's responsibility to launch your next project or child.

Giving an expecting, multiparous mother a gift for baby is lovely. I always do this for family and friends. Asking for gifts with outstretch hands is another matter.

So are we concluding wrapping gifts is for the giver in the long run and thus feel cheated by the request?

******

I feel that way. Truly, how much time does it take to rip off paper?!

Will this bride even sit down and receive gifts one by one (and thank each giver looking them in the eye), or will she just peruse the loot table?

Uh oh, digressing again....I think this discussion has made me realize I'm not a shower lover. I attended a baby shower and it was game time, with prize for the winner. I misunderstood game rules so when time was up I start listing my answers, almost squealing with delight at my cleverness and positive I'd be the winner. People start staring at one another and finally somebody says:" that wasn't the game objective". The longest silent pause of my life! The hostess declared me the winner nonetheless, trying to get past the uncomfortable situation. The prize was no prize, just a reminder that sometimes I don't listen. eventually got rid of it.

People start staring at one another and finally somebody says:" that wasn't the game objective". The longest silent pause of my life!

*****

That's like one of those nightmares when you're naked in front of people and your teeth start falling out.

I think it's an interesting concept. I have been to a bday party (kids) and I was surprised that the kid never opened the gifts...we were waiting and waiting to leave because I thought it would be rude to leave before the kid opened his gifts.

It depends on the age of the child. A 1-year old, I guess maybe the parents open in front of the guests. Kids old enough to open and thank the gift givers should certainly do so.