Mixed feelings here.

First and foremost, they should have some autonomy in their own rooms, so long as they're not filthy. Untidy should be a shut the door thing.

Beyond that, however, how did they get to be teens without learning to tidy their rooms? If it's just that they'd rather be messy, prove to mom that the surfaces are clean with nothing nasty like mouldering food or spilled makeup and shut the door. If they don't know how to tidy their rooms, shame on mom.

If you're in the place where you need drastic action, the buy back the random bags with chores is a pretty brilliant way to do it. I've heard of mothers who just throw away anything that's on the floor, fathers who put everything out of place in the shower, etc.

When they're still small, however, it's important to teach them that their detritus impacts the people they live with and that it's important to pick up after themselves and do communal chores to be welcome members of any household. Once they're teens, so long as their messes aren't inviting pestilence or the fire department, assuming they're just not putting their lessons into action, I'd leave them alone. Choose your battles. A messy, but not filthy, room just isn't worth fighting about.

Isn't it better to introduce kids to the idea of helping keep the home in order as part of one's life obligation?

As it is, aren't the girls going to feel that earning those chunks of $25. is an onerous PITB ... which leaves a lingering feeling that household chores are a majestic PITB? A lingering feeling that may well persist throughout life?

ole joyful

Good for this mom! As long as they lived in MY house, they were expected to keep their rooms clean! We are rearing a generation of children who do not respect theirselves, their parents, their peers, their teachers or anyone or authority.....sad!

Wish I had thought of this.

We were not neat freaks here but they were expected to at least make the attempt. I can tell you it has made them better grownups as far as their own parenting. Having kids of their own now they look at things we were having them to do a little differently. They are grateful we taught them how to do things. Our daughter-in-law didn't have to do things and she struggled with cooking and such. She has come a long way. Does. Great job now.

I didn't clean my kids rooms (I have boys) and if they wanted to live in a pig sty that was their choice. However there were 2 rules: they each had a laundry basket in their room and if they wanted their laundry done the dirty clothes had to be put in there. I didn't go looking for dirty clothes. The second rule was absolutely NO food or drinks (except water) in their rooms. Oh and no wet towels EVER in their rooms. These rules were put into place when they were young (probably around 2-3) and they always, without fail, followed them.

I agree with the idea of autonomy but I also think that health and cleanliness have to be taught and followed. Would I have done this to my kids, no but I never had to worry about bugs or filth in their rooms. Perhaps this mom did. Having said all that - I've never been sure as to why my kids have closets or hangers in their rooms.

Perfect solution and a teaching moment to boot!! Once these darlings are on their own, paying rent,is when they get their "autonomy" up until then the house belongs to the name on the title. Privacy is earned by respect. Living in a pig sty in my house is not showing the OWNER'S respect. Back in the day I knew a dad who if he had to pick up the yard (balls, BIKES, toys) they went in the garbage--no buying back, no chance of a repeat as the belongings not put away were GONE. I too had the no food in the bedroom rule. When a parent sets up their progeny for success it works out for everyone!!

GENIUS!!

I don't think there IS any one way to parent our individual children. My first....was born a type A neat girl. By 3 1/2 when # 2 came along she already folded, put away her laundry an toys and had neat drawers. #2 was/is a challenge. Born "clumsy", intellectual, tried(and tries) so hard....and Mom had episodes of raging about neatness and he just doesn't "see" some things....a greatly mixed bag. # 3 (some 8 years younger) just a mess. Sporadic neatness, but constant messes. Cupboards in her home, neat as a pin....floor; dog hair abounds, 'they live here too'.... as do toys and piles of stuff.. I rarely, if ever, chose to have her lack of neatness be a battle-ground. I question if ignoring her messy bedroom and closing he door was a wise thing to have done as I do believe that she (most likely) still has a messy house. Haven't been in it for many years. People, as well as children are so very individual that I truly believe no "one size fits all" approach is doable..... That my 3 kids grew up to be "honest citizens...likeable and productive people who obey laws and contribute to our civilization in useful ways....makes me proud of them. I'll leave it there.

Reminds me of something similar we did. Our kids were just NOT picking up their toys, they would leave them all over the house.

So we took all of them and put them in the basement and left them just handful.

We told them if they could be responsible and keep those few organized then they could get some more.

Over time, they got them all back, in small batches and always with the same rule, keep what you have organized and picked up and you can get more.

Needless to say, I agree with this mom and think it was a good idea.

I'm thrilled that everyone is giving her high-fives, and is on the mom's side. It's not that way, at all on FB where she posted it. Some people have even reported her to the local child services, CRS? Good grief!!!!

My brother and I were absolutely expected to clean up after ourselves......inside and out, when we were playing outside.

Teenagers can be very self-absorbed at times. Mine were. I found that when necessary, a little over-exaggeration and conduct that was shocking (to them) would get their attention and convey a message. Just like this.

Mine are adults now but they sometimes will mention (and we'll laugh) about some of my antics.

DD was as neat as a pin until she hit her teen years. I blew off her messiness as her way of "rebelling." I'd get after her now and then but didn't make a big deal because she was an excellent student with a heavy course load always and in a competitive sport she was very dedicated to.

When my youngest DS was in college and had an apartment with a roommate I would have called the health dept if he wasn't my son....maybe I should have! Their place was absolutely disgusting and I just kept saying " you weren't brought up this way." When he moved back home briefly a few years ago we were constantly after him to not bring food to his bedroom.....he just didn't get why we wouldn't allow it. He lives with his GF now.....I haven't seen their place yet.

We raised four daughters. Actually, their rooms were never too bad, mostly clothes thrown on a chair, etc. We had one firm rule--we ignored it through the week, but every Saturday things had to be picked up, beds changed and made, everything neat. Worked for us. All are home owners now and very neat.

I don't blame parents for having messy kids. My parents taught me how to clean my room but I am not a neat person. Never have been, never will be. My house is always a disaster unless we have company coming! Granted, I'm talking about messy/cluttered, not filth. I do keep the kitchen and bathrooms reasonable but I am terrible about putting things away. Maybe when I have kids it'll force the whole household to be neater so we don't drown in "stuff"

I LOVE IT!!! Wish I had thought of it. Those kids will probably thank their Mom when they are adults. My son did, not about room cleaning, but about being strict about computer and video game time. He would have played all day and night if we had let him. Last year he thanked us for being so strict, for making him go out and PLAY. It really bothers him now to see so many young people who don't have a life other than online.

I don't know - it doesn't always work out the way you'd think. My son was a slob - but as long as the door was closed and there weren't dirty dishes, etc in there growing - he had to live in it. Today as an adult, he's very tidy. Sometimes they just need to see the way for themselves.

phoggie- I suspect this is the never ending argument. No doubt your parents or grandparents thought the same thing; I.e. "a new generation with no morals, standards or respect for authority, they will destroy the world!"

I suspect that society will continue to evolve and survive, and it may even learn something new to boot.

These kids are no better or worse than those kids 50 years ago.

FWIW, I really like the current crop of young adults, for the most part. They tend to have good values (though perhaps different from ours) and are engaged and interesting.

Sometimes you just got to get their attention and this did the trick for this Mom. Good for her.

My kids were both pretty meticulous in keeping their rooms clean and tidy. As adults this practice continues. No food or drink was ever allowed in their rooms and the dirty laundry had to be in the hamper or it wouldn't get washed. However their kids aren't as tidy. Unmade beds and general disarray.

I can't think how a household gets to this level of disrespect for each other and their belongings to begin with? That would be my first concern. A storm like this just never appeared on our home radar because we never let a situation get this far out of hand to begin with in our parent/child relationships. It's much easier to guide with a gentle hand, in my experience. But I do like the way the mom got their attention (LOL). It's just unfortunate it got to that level.

What do I think of the parenting style? It's not my cup of tea, but I understand the frustration.

________

However, as an example of what I am addressing (I'm not picking on you! Merely surprised at the tone here and there?)

Beyond that, however, how did they get to be teens without learning to tidy their rooms?

It happens. Even with good kids. Ask me how I know? He's an absolute slob! I hate it. He knows it. He just doesn't care, at all, ever. I can't figure out how it's escaped him when he is a very respectful individual about so many things, kind to the core beyond most people! He's horrible at keeping the house picked up even though I taught him even at 18 months or so and beyond, when you finish one project clean it up, put it away and then pick something else. I would pick-up a toy he'd leave out and put it in timeout until he realized it was gone or if he refused to put it away. He still won't do it. I honestly believe this is something he can't do? Everyone has something they're not good at.

I've met him some. Our dishwasher is good enough he can put the dishes in with nothing more than scraping them, unlike other places we have lived and he can handle that; rinsing them off was excruciating. I don't even make him fold his clothes, because, I figured, if he wants to go around wrinkled (the outer clothes still have to be hung up), who will care if his socks or undershirt underneath are wrinkled. He still has to gather all socks and put them in the top drawer, all underwear and put them in the middle drawer, all shirts and put them... you get the picture.

I don't understand such judgements? Isn't there something you tried to teach your kids and they never got it? Or your parents tried to teach you, but you just couldn't do it, no matter what?

My kids go out wrinkled, as do I. I hate ironing. Oh well. And my mom wasn't a bad mom.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses when it comes to parenting. We all have those "push-button" issues and for each of us they are different. We all have those issues that for each us our kids have to (or not) learn.

I was too busy teaching my kids to treat the mountains in which we live with respect so they would be safe while hiking, mountain biking and backcountry skiing. I was just glad they spent time there instead of in their rooms. They treat their ski and hiking equipment with the utmost respect and care Their rooms on the other hand = meh.

I think that the parent is having a tantrum/hissy fit. Nothing to be gained by a stand off which this punishment can turn into easily. I do not think anything is accomplished by the mother being overly dramatic. She goes beyond trying to teach her kids a lesson. When she posts on Facebook, she attempts to humiliate them and to garner attention for herself. I doubt that the kids bought back all the trash bags, so now what is she going to do with them?

Rob, it wasn't a judgment, just a misunderstanding--I could have written that more clearly, and less in a way that someone might take personally. My apologies for that.

What I was trying to say was that they should have been taught how to both tidy and clean their rooms as small children, and been put in the habit of doing so regularly (as a regular required chore, or an incentive for a privilege, or whatever the parenting style). If they weren't doing so as teens, it wasn't worth fighting over if it didn't rise to the level of health or fire hazard.

And the main reason for the "should" is that it's important to the mom! Also a bit so they can get along when living with others.

You taught your son the hows, and did what you could to get him to do them. And you've also given him the leeway as a teen to be who he is. That's exactly what I was trying to say!

I didn't take it personally. I just think it's naive to think all kids act as they are raised. Surely, you don't really think that? And, you weren't the only one? I've known good parents with rotten kids and rotten parents who end up with good kids. It's not even possible to "control" them, much less make sure they do the "right" thing. No judgement from here about those saying it. I merely hoped it gave pause to stop and think.

Some people (and kids) are hard-wired to be neat, others aren't. I don't think neatness has anything to do with whether a kid is good or bad, obedient or rebellious, etc.

Kids need boundaries - like building codes, minimum acceptable standards. Parents choose to emphasize and teach or not teach various things as they wish, and some lessons will stick and others get ignored. After that, individuals are individuals and are best dealt with keeping that in mind. That's what worked and continues to work for me.

I'm obviously really bad at this. No, I don't think all kids act as they're raised. I never said that they did! And some have very defiant kids who even at the age of 3 just won't cooperate. There are often strategies that can be used with them, but that's another story. And kids like yours who sounds like he cooperated but just doesn't have tidy in his personality.

Okay, from a different angle: What I meant was that you can't expect kids to voluntarily clean their rooms as teens if you didn't teach them to as small children--and here I'll add: and also demonstrate general and continuous tidiness in the rest of the house (do as I say, not as I do, doesn't actually work). There are the exceptional kids who seem to be born tidy, but other than those, you have to teach them. And if they don't choose to cooperate as teens, well they're teenagers, and making their own choices, and a untidy room isn't worth fighting over.

ditto snidely!

I did teach him when he was small and expect him to then, and now. It doesn't happen. Heck, I even emulate what I am preaching :) He just won't.

If this works for this mom and these children it was a good move. I would in no way think this was abusive or over the top. It is a method of teaching a lesson the children need to learn. No one was hurt or injured. This reporting parents for being parents is just getting crazy. Soon we won't be able to say no with out worry of someone reporting us. Parents should be allowed to parent their children! If I had children and thought this would work I would not hesitate.

Another reason I don't participate on Facebook, I am not in the least bit surprised that type of over the top bs happened there, everyone has to be in everyone's business.

If my kids cleaned thoroughly on a semi-regular basis, I never cared much about what was behind closed doors as long as nothing grew or smelled.

I don't think I would hold their belongings hostage.... if I were that bent out of shape about it then they would not be given a choice BUT to clean it up.

Well said Raven. I saw this on the news, and then looked it up. It showed Facebook posts where a woman said to expect a visit from the authorities. Good grief!

I don't have kids, and I was curious to see what my pals here, thought of the whole thing. As I said, I'm tickled pink that no one was over the top angry about her actions.

Way to go Mom! My 2 girls were pretty good - at least nothing that went beyond what I could tolerate. My family of origin was a different story - my older sister's room was a MESS - clothes in heaps, dirty dishes all over the place - a real mess. My Mom - who had seven other children to keep in line - lost her temper about the extreme mess one day and opened a window and THREW EVERYTHING out on the lawn. If my sister wanted it she had to go out and retrieve it. Believe me we ALL learned a huge lesson!

Good for her! I had 4 boys and 1 daughter and they knew things were to be picked up...And they knew, if shoes were left at the door, they would either find them at the bottom of the basement steps or out side in the grass...Didn't take too long for them to get with it......

Krmarchese, good for your Mom...Only once did I threaten and it was my daughter's room....She knew I meant it and quickly got things neat.....

A good, creative way to save her sanity.

I also like Texas Gem's method.

There are many parenting approaches, some perhaps no better than others. With maybe a nod to Pavlov, our approach (even at an early age) was for our kids to understand that choices had different consequences, some good and some bad. We wanted them to think about those differences (and ask if they didn't know) before making their choices. To me, this example is consistent with that. No yelling, no punishment, but rather a dramatic outcome to prove a point - "garbage" left laying around is taken and put into garbage bags. Action ---> Consequence

It's naive to think you can "teach" kids to do what they don't want to do or aren't inclined to do. Or that they will always follow an example that's set in the household. Those who want to pass along robotic behavior should train a dog, they're much more responsive to that (unless you get a breed with a streak of independence, as we favor having).

Our approach was to continually emphasize cause and effect and hold them accountable for outcomes. It works, They internalized a tool, not robotic behavior. In the teenage years and beyond, our kids have been thinkers and never said " I didn't realize....." or "I didn't know.....".

Whatever works...none of us parents got a manual when we got our kids so every day was a learning experience for both parent and child...This mother obviously had had enough...

Interestingly...I subscribe to Quora Digest where random questions are asked and answered...something appeared yesterday to the effect of not letting kids have chores...the man went off to college never having done ANY chores...while his parents did everything for him...He said it was a major disservice as he got to college and didn't know how to do anything for himself...His roomates were appalled at his lack of cleanliness and knowlege of how to live life...so needless to say he's raising his kids outta the womb in many of lifes lessons...

major disservice

That's what I have told my son from very early on, and he saw very early on, how he was sad for his counterparts that couldn't do things he could, including critical thinking. Cause and effect after teaching them hows and whys have been the best parenting technique in our household. Both child and parent appreciate it!

I wonder if it's cyclical though? Seems like my mom taught us to, I taught him to, and he'll be inclined to do so given his comments about other kids, so probably not? Maybe. Like wanting "more" for our kids, it could contribute. Or is it the entitled generation thinking? Food for thought.

OK, I just have to ask: plllog, do your comments come from personal, 24/7 child-rearing experience?

IME -- limited to one DS and discussions with other mothers -- the messy room is a form of passive aggression, one of the few courses open to dependent children. No, you don't want to obsess about this over other factors, but I understand the eventual blow-up of the mom who held her kids' belongings for ransom.

Parents get tired of nagging, but continual 'reminders' are part of the job. You just hope the message eventually 'takes', if only after the kid has left home! (I have also been a broken record with adults, continuing to point out a 'better option' -- like reminding a neighbor that she could call the Battered Women's Shelter hotline.)

My comments were poorly written and highly misinterpreted, and my attempts to be clearer have failed equally. I accept my failure, but don't wish to belabor it any further.

I disagree that messy rooms are a form of passive aggressiveness. Maybe for some. But in my case, as a child, it was just how I was. I don't like to put things away. It's due to laziness and apathy, not passive aggressiveness. Some people are just neater than others. Though I do think it can be influenced to an extent, but trying to change someone's nature is a difficult and frustrating process for everyone. That being said, I agree with certain standards. Filth is very different from a general mess.

I think parents have the right to impose their own standards on their kids within reason but I think they also need to realize that what may be second nature and logical to them is difficult for others.

chisue, I had the same question as you. Maybe no answer means a "No" answer.

I disagree with the periodic reminder approach. When my kids were older, I made sure they understood that my expectation was "Please listen when I speak because the message may be important and I won't be saying it again. In return, I will always listen when you speak." The first dog training teacher I had (long before I had kids) suggested it was wrong to give a dog a command more than once, because if you say it repeatedly, the dog assumes it's not before hearing, say, "Sit" four times that an action is expected. Say it once, mean it.

I also don't think there's anything passive aggressive happening when a kid ignores a parent's request or instruction. I could be wrong, it just never seemed like that to me with my kids.

I was forced to be tidy growing up. There was NEVER a bed left unmade on any day. The bedroom doors were left open during the day so there was no hiding a mess. My mother didn't allow it. My sister turned out like her that way and I'm messy (not filthy.)

It's the parents' house so they have the final say in what they'll allow. When the kids are on their own they can live the way they want but until then, I think the mother was smart & very creative. I sure would have had a worse punishment than those kids did.

lots of opinions!!

when we were growing up, my siblings and I, we had to clean our rooms, change our beds etc.. one day we came home from school and all these clothes were all over the driveway and bushes. we were like, Oh S**T, she's pissed. we learned our lesson, things were put away!!! never happened again!

fast forward to my adult life with kids: my kids would walk in the front door, drop their school bags etc and leave it there, grrr.. of course i would say, "put your things away". sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't. so after a while, i got so angry. my son left his stuff in LR., i picked it all up and dropped it on the front lawn. he came home from school, saw it, picked it all up, came in and looked at me guiltily, he knew.... it never happened again.

i agree, you are the parent and rules have to be followed. and the parent has to follow thru with what there are asking/teaching/expecting. i think that's half the problem today. they want to be their "friend". well, our kids have plenty of friends, they need parents to show them how to be responsible adults.

will my kids be neat? i don't know. i hope so.. all i know is they are now in my house and that's what matters to me. i can't control them outside our home. i just hope we have instilled values and respect in them that they carry with them the rest of their life. what else can we hope for?? as long as they don't live in filth, i'm ok with it. i will say when i house clean, most times they do it with me, at least their rooms. so they do know what to do and it will up to them to carry it into their lives...

as far as the Mom in OP's post. i agree with grainlady. why did it get that far and IF i had to do that, i would have thrown everything out b/c by that point i would have been livid!! i don't believe in "buying back" or paying my children to do any chore that needs to be done in the house. its their house too! who is paying me or DH for all we do?? that's just silly IMO. what are u teaching them? that cleaning stinks/boring/PITA., ..if taught/shown/helps when cleaning, then they see that the house/their room is dirty and hopefully will be more inclined to clean it...

Phew, that was too long winded of me, sorry :(

I didn't dare have a single thing out of order in my bedroom growing up. Nothing. Our house was so clean and tidy and there was no excuse for a bedroom having anything where it didn't belong. I just wish I had been half as tough of my kids as my parents were with us kids. I like the idea of "buying their things back". I've had friends who did that with their kids. Not with money, but with chores. You want your Wii back? Dust and vacuum the living room every Saturday for a month. You want you ipod back? Clean the bathroom. Kids do need to learn that if you want something you need to earn it. I was raised that way. We never got anything for nothing. We did household chores every single Saturday from the day we turned 5 years old. We started by learning how to dry dishes. Then making beds. Then sweeping floors, etc.. By the time I was in third grade, I could take apart the stove and clean it. (mom always did the oven.) I could wash and wax the floor and even use the floor polisher. I knew how to scrub a toilet. It was expected. Kids nowadays have everything handed to them and feel entitled to everything. Teaching her kids a lesson is no reason to call social services. She's a good mom. She didn't beat them. There was no abuse. I don't get why people would have reported her for parenting.

Sounds like Mom had been watching too many reality show episodes of that thing where people bid on storage lockers that hadn't been paid up, and get treasures or junk. Can't remember the name. It's a rather disturbing image to consider in a home.

I think Mom chose the wrong route for the lesson (especially depending on the age of these kids, which I can't seem to find posted in this thread), but there's no call for Social Services to get involved, or anyone to be upset. I'd likely handle it differently if I had kids, but that's what makes horse races...

I kept a clean room when I was a kid. I'm not certain what happened since then, but I seriously hope my Mom isn't popping in on the astral!

There's a fine line between loving and instructive but restrictive child rearing on one hand vs there being an element present of even some light forms of parental abuse and bullying on the other. Many grew up in homes, especially those of you who are older and who lived in less enlightened times, where the mothers suffered poor treatment and abuse from their husbands, or were single parents, and not infrequently those feelings or frustrations affected how the children in the house were treated. Or, how many of you knew kids whose fathers had drinking problems and "got mean" with a little alcohol?

I mention this only because hearing stories with words like "I didn't dare" or "she's pissed" or "I was forced" serves as a reminder that some experienced more in their childhood years than simply being raised to have good habits. Not necessarily those of you specifically making these comments above, but I've heard similar expressions from others who were in homes that, shall we say, weren't run by June and Ward Cleaver. Something other than the guiding gentle hand that grain lady referred to.