dear ejp773, im so sorry to hear of your sons illness! i cant imagine how hard it must be to watch your baby die! i just beleive that there are so many lessons to be learned from our babies. we must remember that god sends these angels to us so that gods work can be done. as i said before, we are just the caregivers. thank god that he has enough faith in us that we were given this opportunity! my heart has softened so much since the accident. i have, thru much prayer, learned to look at things differently. a few months back, my mom broke her kneecap. i understood she was in a lot of pain and the incision looked aweful! i heard her crying one morning and asked her what she needed. she started telling me how she would have that ugly scar and boo..hoo.., what if they have to amputate her leg due to the blood clot..as i told her, god made you so well, that if they amputate, guess what, you have another leg, god gave you a backup! as for a scar, i told her how i felt about that, not vey nice. i would have given anything to see my casy ray come home, scarred, wheelchair, didnt matter! just to have him in my life! though she wanted sympathy, she did appreciate how fortunate she was and still remembers that conversation. so, we all have to find a place in us that we can live and please god. we cant let our losses or hardships, thru our sufferings, be in vain. we have to follow thru with gods will.., i know its not easy! but god had a plan long before he even created us! shucks, i dont even have a plan for tomorrow! so, hang in, be strong, patient, willing and appreciative for the wonderful teacher that god has placed in your care! you never know the lives that you both may change! so what that you now have a "bald eagle"..,just be like a sponge, absorb all that you can from that baby! everyday..., i just wish i could smell my son one more time! i always loved the way he smelled in the mornings. that started when he was an infant and never changed (well, of course his smell did, teenager can equal billy goat). just make the most of your times together! take care and ill be praying for yall...

Reading all of your posts have made me realize I am not alone in how I feel about losing my Mom.. I lost my Mom Sept 10th 2010 she died of complcations of a debilitating stroke that she had a year prior.. It was my worse nightmare her dying as when she had the stroke in 2009 she didn't really know me most of the time and she had no idea where she was or what happened to her and could do nothing for herself so really i lost her twice.. I had went to visit her the night before she had her stroke and I stayed late and she walked me to the door i can remember her waving goodbye to me how did I know that would be the last time she would do that or be the same person.. I feel guilty for leaving her that night but I didn't know this was going to happen.. I always called her every morning to make sure she was up and had ate and taken her pills but she didn't answer the phone ..I wasn't concerned as she sometimes slept late so I waited a little while and called again she still didn't answer so I called her neighbor and asked if she had seen MOm and if she would go to her apt and check on her I just was not thinking anything was wrong..Her friend did and she said Mom didn't answer the door but she said it sounded like she could hear Mom's voice.. So I got myself together and went to her apt we had a hard time getting in as she had locked the screen door. When we got in I found Mom on the floor in a sort of a twisted uncomfortable position ,I said Mom what happened do you know who I am and she said yes that I was her Mom I knew something was wrong , we called the emergency squad and they came and tried to get Mom up and to stand and her legs were like rubber and she was not speaking things that made sense the apt was a mess as she had been stumbling and falling trying to stand or get some where she had bloody bruises on her arms . We got her to the hospital and they xrayed her and ran tests she had had a very bad blood clot stroke that should have killed her they said but didn't it left her paralyzed on her whole right side and plus affected her sight as she saw double it was bad.. They told me there was nothing they could do she stayed in the hospital for 4 days and then told me I had to decide something ..I knew I couldn't take care of her by myself as I had severe back problems and she was going to need 24 hr care I had no other siblings or no other family close and my Mom nor I had the money to hire someone to help me.So against all I beleived and didn't want to do i had to put her in a nursing home something I swore i would never do .. The year I had her in there was a nightmare in itself,I had to fight with them not literally but you know what I mean to get them to take care of her right I was always upset everytime I visited her as I knew things were not right I would talk to them and ask why ,they would always blame it on some one else she had MRSA twice while she was there and an infection of the colon called C-Diff both staff infections were very contagious.. I talked to people outside of the nursing home to try to get help and called the state and couldn't get anything accomplished they don't care about elderly people and maybe because Mom was on Medicaid maybe that was not good either..It just was a living nightmare I was so upset all of the time after I would leave seeing her it affected my health and I hated seeing Mom like she was as she would not want to have lived if she knew she was having to depend on someone else to do everything for her and she was totally bedfast.. I was the only one to go and visit her as all other family was far away and the nursing home knew that and i think they took advantage of it I tried to go at different times but it didn't help it was just so hard and my husband was not a supportive person for me so i was dealing by myself which was very difficult.. She very seldon knew who I was she could talk at times and sometimes she was silent I continued to talk to her..The times she knew me and was able to tell me she loved me i will cherish in my heart..I was with her the day and through the night till the next moring when she passed holding her hand and singing to her as I always did the whole time she was in there..I would try to get her to sing with me the songs she knew to try to keep her mind alert and talking.. I just have guilt of having to put her in the nursing home and how she had was taken care I understand nursing home are short staff but I think they could do better then they do ,there were a few that really cared and did a good job but most of them could have cared less and the ones that would take the time and do a good job they would let them go so sad.. I miss my Momma so much I miss her voice being able to ask her things and hugs she was my best friend and was there when no one else was always..I feel when she died a part of me went with her there is an emptiness inside of me .. We don't know how it feels to lose a parent or anyone until we experience it ourselves.. Some people can just deal and get on with it ..Lot of people don't want to hear how you feel or what you are experienceing and we need to be able to talk about our loved one it does help.. Some days are so overwheming that I don't I am ever going to be able to deal and then a few days will go by and I am ok but My Mom is always in my thoughts each day.. I know she is by my side at times or comes in my thoughts ,I really don't think it is going to get easier the pain at times is so great..It is just so lonely at times.. It is hard to keep it all in some days I will just cry alot till its all out then i will be ok ..The strangest things will set the crying in and comes on me when I least expect.. My heart goes out to each one of you that has lost a loved one and know I understand and feel your pain.. I do know that if it was not for my faith in God I would be in worse shape then i am I know that he helps and that crying and talking about your loved one is part of the grief process.

I need some serious advice, and all of you seem like very good people with sincere approaches to coping. My brother took his life eleven months ago today. I so dread the one-year anniversary. This was not his first attempt, but was the only time he tried that he really meant it. The other times clearly were a call for attention. This time, there was absolutely no stopping him. I'll spare you details and get onto my two issues. First, I have been paralyzed from having any relationship with my sister-in-law since my brother's passing. I know I need to reach out to her, but I simply cannot. About three weeks after Chad's passing, my sister-in-law called to ask me a favor, which I quickly performed. During the conversation, though, she digressed into telling me about the last conversation that my brother had with Mom and Dad. It was very clear that my sister-in-law blames my Mom and Dad and my brother's upbringing. This caused two problems for me. First, it really made me question who I am ... if Chad and I shared the same upbringing and Chad took his life, what does that mean for me? Second, we all have to have our own "reality" about why Chad passed in the way that he did, but my reality cannot be to blame my Mom and Dad in any way whatsoever. In fact, my relationship with my parents is stronger than it ever was before. The day that my sister-in-law and I had this conversation was absolutely the most difficult day of coping that I have had. I was literally in the car on the way to work when she called, and I had to pull over, get out of the car, pace and cry while we talked and for a long while thereafter. I could not make it into work for two days following. Hence, I have not been able to make myself call her in months. At forced family gatherings, there is a tension but we're cordial. But, we have no relationship. I hate that, but I'm so apprehensive too. My dad is begging me to call my sister-in-law, and I cannot tell him that I can't call her b/c she blames him and Mom. I've written eight letters to her in an attempt to explain why it is so difficult for me, but I haven't had the courage to mail any of them yet. My second issue is that a couple of months before Chad's passing, he announced to the family how proud he was of himself for quitting smoking. He said it was all because of the anti-smoking pill Chantix. Now, I've learned that the FDA has linked Chantix to suicide. I've carried a ton of anger since Chad's passing and now I'm mad at hell at the pharma company. To make Chad a class rep in a class action against the pharma company may give me an outlet for my anger and grief, but I don't want to be the selfish little sister that drudges the rest of the family through even more pain. Of course, my sister-in-law would have to be on board and that would require my talking it over with her. I'm an attorney by the way.

Peacewalker Hello. It sounds similiar to my situation. My dad is gone 13 months now. He was the glue of our family. After he left I moved my mom in with me. They were married 39 years. She is still not herself. Anyway, after she moved in with me, I became very angry. here i was 35 married with 2 kids and on my own for years and now all off a sudden i was reporting to my mom. It wasnt a good thing. We all miss dad very much and it seemed to me that everytime i look at her i just remember that my dad is gone and never coming back and it hurts. My mom wont even stay in a house by herself now and I told her I cant be with her 24-7. I have a life and I am still grieving too. We faught and it seemed to me that she was walking on egg shells around me. It made us both very uncomfortable. She is now living with her sister and that seems better. I realized that my mom just doesnt want to be alone and really doesnt know how to be alone. When my mom was at my house, evertime I looked at her, all I thaught about is that my dad should be here too. Its not fair. I was mad. Well anyway its never easy to re-adjust your life after something like this happens. But in reality we still have to be there for each other. I talk to my mom daily on the phone and she comes to visit 2-3 times a week. Its hard seeing her alone. I dont know what is worse....losing a parent or watching the other parent being lonely. It all sucks. Just try to do the best you can. I dont think its really reporting to them...I think we are the only good thing left in there lives and they want to cherish every conversation they can. I cant even begin to imagine myself in my moms shoes. It has to be terrifying to realize your love of a lifetime is gone and now it only you all by yourself. Very scary thaught. Parents try to give there kids the freedom they need but I think when something like death happens.. it scares them and they just want to hold onto whatever it is that gives them comfort. And as you know, the kids are the ones who offer comfort. We are the only ones they can trust and confide in. The best advice I can give you is to take time out and call your dad. Just value what ever time you can. Someday they wont be here either. Best of luck to you.