Lee - Up to a point I incline to agree with your antipathy to exotic plants in a Japanese garden. Perhaps it amounts to feeling uneasy with anything that looks somehow out of place because few things of that shape grow in the wild here? For instance, I feel a bit uneasy if I see Phormium Tenax or Pampas grass. I'd probably feel even more uneasy with a Monkey Puzzle tree, especially since somebody who'd seen them growing in their native habitat in S. America said they looked out of place even there. On the other hand, a restrained use of bamboo doesn't (to me) give that feeling. That brings me to what I'd call exotic artifacts. I wonder for instance, how a sleeve fence made from cedar lath compares with one made from bamboo? Here in N. America does the one made with cedar lath look more at home in its surroundings? I lean towards using the cedar lath. Coming back to the Bear artifact, I've got some more pictures of it (of them actually - it's a mother Bear & her cub). The carving is rooted in the ground - the owners told me that it used to be a big tree in their garden, & when it got too big, they had the top removed, leaving an 8ft high stump - and a young fellow then carved the bears from it with a chain saw. They said he did it in no time. When I consider those stone foxes with a red bibs round their necks that you see in some Japanese garden settings, it makes me think of the Bears as their western equivalent (though the red bibs don't suit!). Another artifact that I saw illustrated a year or two ago - I think it was in this forum - was a wooden post or tablet, carved in the style of Native Indian work, that somebody had positioned in his garden. He may have referred to it as a Stele, but I'm not sure. (It certainly wasn't what you'd call a Totem pole), It was in just the right place & it looked entirely at home - it was just as effective as a stone artifact like a lantern. Does anybody remember it? Herb

Trish, it was mentioned that the father should be the one caring for the son. I wonder about the background in this situation. If you've been with the mother for five years, he's been with you for three, and that leaves two years. That means he was 11 when you got together? What happened for those 11 years? How was his academic set-up prior? What was his mother's relationship with him? How long prior to five years ago did his parents divorce/split up? It sounds to me that he started failing his fifth year right around the time you two got together. (this is not blaming you) Yes. You nailed the timeframe. She and his father divorced when the boy was 2. When we met, it was revealed to me that he had just failed 5th grade and he was living with his father. He had moved in with him, at age 8 mid way through 3rd grade. From what I was told, though I wasn't in his life to witness to any of it, he had issues with school right from the very beginning and they only proceeded to get worse. In third grade he really began showing signs of defiant behavior; throwing books at his mother, knocking over a dresser, hitting her and running away. At that point she took him to see a doctor who diagnosed him with ADHD. The boy apparently begged her to go live with his father and given her frustration level of not being able to control him, she discussed it with the father, who at the time had just remarried and the new wife, who both thought couldn't get pregnant thought it was a grand idea to "have a son" come live with them. Now, they live in a rural area of South Carolina; mostly woods and not much to do. His behavior calmed down for about 6 months. Then, the wife got pregnant and at the same time, this boys behavior began to reveal itself at his father's, the same way it had at his mothers. Someone else here mentioned ODD. I think that's entirely possible too, though when I mentioned it to his mother, she reminded me that his behaviors had only been toward her at the time. Now these behaviors have "evolved" to include all adults, most of the time. I understand the separation you are trying to make re: woman/mother. Good, because that's all I meant by saying that I hope one day she'll realize that she should have done more to remind me less that she's a mom and more like a woman. I don't think that was too much to expect. Children are by nature self-centered. Boys mature much later than girls. I try to stress to my dd that I have feelings, hopes, needs as well as she does. I point out those needs pretty consistently. Last night it was "Mom, come play with me". I had made her dinner while she showered, then she ate while I cleaned up, then I ate (a grilled cheese, and pretty much standing up-one of those crazy get home late days) I had just finished, and I was ready for a shower. I asked her what we had just done. Well, she said, you drove me to activity, got home, made dinner, cleaned up... and I looked at her and said, yes, and I love doing things for you and with you, and now I need some "Mommy time". When I get out of the shower we can play. She understood, and we continued. Same with bedtime. She has a set bedtime so that "mommy can go to bed" at a certain time, and it's set up that way so that DH and I have time alone in the evenings.My point is that I understand. A mother has to have "personal time" as well as "spouse/lover time" and has to balance those times with "mommy time". A mother wears many hats and it is really difficult (for me, anyway) to know where to draw the line between me as an individual woman, me as a love interest and me as a provider. Ideally they would merge, but more often than not it's robbing Peter to pay Paul. Every time I take "me time" is time I could spend with one or another of my loved ones. Every time I relax with my spouse as a lover is time I could be with my child, and v.v. This conflict is painful at times, and the mother is the monkey in the middle. It's nice to be popular but sometimes I feel everyone wants a piece of me. Our therapist kept trying to tell my partner from the beginning that our relationship needed "adult time" and that it was encumbent upon her to provide it. Her daughter was 8 when we met and she didn't do a whole lot to get a babysitter just so we could go out once a week. I should have known then that this was an issue but I tried to ignore it. My partner's personality is very introverted and isolated. She has no friends to speak of. I'm it. She does'nt like being around people and she has extreme body image issues. I don't understand it because she's a very attractive, very pretty woman. She looks like Julia Roberts with blond hair. She's gained weight since we met, but that's never bothered me and I've tried to tell her that it's not a big deal. It bothers her tremendously but rather than do something about it ( I bought her a gym membership) she doesn't do anything. It was revealed in therapy that she has Adult Attention Deficit, inattentive type. If any of you have this, it reveals itself in ways that are frustrating to normal adults. There's an inconsistency that is enormously overwhelming. There's no organization to people who have this and they tend to be incredibly forgetful. I remember when we met and she burned dinner a few times, and paid a bill to the wrong account, but I didn't really think twice about it. These people get really overwhelmed by things we don't. This is why her son runs circles around her and gets his way. Because she can't deal with it. When the police brought him home another time, he went to the refrigerator and rather than tell him to get his @ss to bed at 1AM, she told him what she cooked earlier; "I cooked porkchops earlier". I found that to be an absolutely absurd response to the situation, and she knew it; but she told me that she has placed a wall up to him so that what he does, doesn't effect her. She can't do the same with me, so when he acts out, I have a visceral response to it, and she can't put an emotional wall up to me and she's told me that she feels pulled between the two of us. On an airplane, the instructions are to place the mask on your face before helping your loved ones. If you have no oxygen, you will be of no help to others. I get the feeling that's what's going on right now. Your lover/wife/girlfriend/mate/partner has placed the mask on her son first and asphyxiated the relationship. This is a fantastic metaphor. I think we both asphysixated the relationship, but I kept telling her that she was neglecting it with her inconsistent attempts. We could never get the time we needed and all conversations evolved around children. She doesn't have any friends or hobbies nor does she do anything other than work so she really doesn't have a whole lot to talk about. She loves techno gadgets though. I like politics and discuss current events quite a bit. I also worked on and completed my Master's degree while we were together despite the escalating problems in order to try to shield myself from the behavior but eventually nothing could help this. So now I'm sitting here in a rather empty house. Where do you want to go from here? Do you foresee a future with this woman once her son is no longer in the house? She does, but I'm not sure. She told me over and over, that she wanted to save the relationship and the only thing she could do was to remove him from my house and that this was the last chance to save what we have. She simply disagreed about sending him back to his father except if he quit school; which I see coming. I'm not sure if this will help or not. Sure, I'll finally get some peace and some perspective. The problem with this is that I'm not sure it will help. It may, but you know, we never got a chance to adjust to each other after we moved in here. The boy came a year later and that was entirely too soon IMO. I'm just not sure what other problems his behaviors overwhelmed to the point where we never got to deal with anything else. We've discussed moving back in once he's gone, but now, were both so overwhelmed at what just happened. It's an amicable separation though. We're not fighting and I didn't scrutenize what she took out of here as she's told me she does intend to come back once she's done with him and is keeping a lot of her things here. Our yard is a gardner's paradise. She rented a place with no yard so that she could take care of this one. We're very much trying to heal and doing alot of talking and she and I and her daughter went to dinner last night. I am just so relieved he's out of my house though. So relieved...

What does your dh do about this? Is he on her case or does she blow him off as well? Maria: Dh keeps her on her toes when he is home. But as soon as he walks out the door...yeah you get the picture. I stepped out of it, I won't tell her what she needs to be doing. She knows. So pretty much she just does what she is told when he is here to make sure it is getting done. He works all week, so I think she has been counting on that with all this "time off", and thinking she is on vacation. Also, we don't know of anyone who can hire her. She used to babysit for my friend. That did not go well. For several reasons. I am also no longer friends with that friend because of her involvement in issues with my sd. She didn't watch the kids. She let them run amok in the house and trash it while she sat and watched t.v. or talked on the phone. Poppin': Thanks for the words. I hear ya! I don't think she will ever do better than C's and D's. Lucky if there are C's. I don't get what they think is so hard about school either. Like I said, my son brought his grades up in the given amount of time, there was no reason why sd could not have done the same thing... she even went down in some grades. Cuz she had a couple of B's. A 'C' in chorus? How does that happen??? who the heck knows, school is obviously not important to her. What irks me is that she talks the talk to her dad and counselor. they both say that they don't see the results or the evidence that she does care...but what do you do with a kid who would rather do nothing? Because she just isn't "social". She has fun when she does do something with someone. But it is almost like it is just too much effort for her to call and maintain a friendship with anyone. today her dad came home for lunch and she asked if she could get on the computer and check her mail. He said for 30 minutes if she gets her stuff done. (that is pretty much the standing rule here, no fun till chores are done). Well, he leaves back for work and she gets on the computer right away. Stays on it for 2 hours...until I finally had enough ( I wasn't going to get involved) and I just couldn't let her sit there and mess around any longer when nothing was getting done. I told her dad. He just said she doesn't need to be on the computer for awhile. I am thinking...okay...but thats it? I mean, it is just blatant disregard and all she says is "sorry". @@ that is all she always says, and it isn't even sincere. I could just scream. :::sigh::::: I just hope she has more hours on her schedule next week. Damn well better, or I just might find a whole lotta things that need cleaning etc for her to do. How about cooking us a dinner for a change? She is going to be 17 after all and should freakin' know how to cook more than Ramen noodles @@.

You know, I agree with you that the island perpendicular to the window wall doesn't feel as right as the island parallel to the window wall. Interesting. I stopped and thought about why that would be. My first thought was that, with the island perpendicular to the window wall, the end of the island closest to the living room now feels as if it's intruding into the walkway between the kitchen and living room. Even though the island ends in line with the side of the fridge closest to the living room, the island still feels as if it's intruding. However, when I look at the island parallel to the window, I also think the end of the island closest to the dining room feels as if it is intruding into the dining room. Even though the island ends in line with the side of the perimeter cabinet closest to the dining room, the island still feels as if it's intruding. So when you're standing in the living room, you like the perpendicular-to-the-window-wall island orientation less (because the island feels as if it's intruding towards you). And when you're standing in the dining room, you'll like the parallel-to-the-window-wall island orientation less (because the island feels as if it's intruding towards you). Given all that, I actually think this shape island (posted earlier upthread) feels the best from both perspectives: That is because the island is completely and clearly inside the invisible borders of the kitchen as delineated by the side of the fridge closest to the living room and the side of the perimeter cabinet closest to the dining room. A square (ish) island doesn't even touch the borders -- it's well inside them by a foot or two, making it impossible for the island to feel as if it's intruding into another room. This home layout is so open that it lacks some of the normal cues (walls/doorways/floor changes) marking where the kitchen ends and another room begins. So in this island's case, a setback from the technical kitchen border helps to clarify things. The island's definitely in the kitchen and only in the kitchen. Here is an edited version that stops the island a foot or two short of the borders in both directions: I'd recommend having seating just on the living room side of the island. Seating on the dining room side puts those chairs back to back with dining room chairs, and I always think that looks/functions a bit oddly.