Thank you iloveexercise. I told my bf that it is not normal for his daughter of 15 to be with daddy 24/7. I then confronted him and told him it was not normal and he denied and tried to cover it up. I told him how come she says she has all these friends and when it comes down to it she never see these friends or we never meet them? My bf says she has friends and I say oh really then she needs to be with her friends at 15 and give us some space. Doesn't happen and dad still defends his daughter.

Then I told my bf we need private time because his daughter is with him 24/7 and he told me I just need to ask him for it. Well the bedroom is not where I always want my private time and if we do go somewhere she makes dad feel guilty for leaving her at home alone - grow up!!!

My bf thinks I am overreacting but after reading some of my replys it doesn't sound normal to me.

This is how I see it. She wants to break us up so she can have her DADDY all by herself.

Petunia,

It seems to me the biggest thing you need to do is get real about your baby issue. This man already has 3 kids and has had a vasectomy. Vasectomies can be reversed. He has to want to do that FOR YOU. It doesn't sound as though he wants to have another child, and that WON'T CHANGE if you do marry. I won't call him selfish since he has three kids but, do you love him enough to give up on being a mother in your own right? For what, a clingy 15 year old stepdaughter and the other two skids? How did she get so clingy, well, Daddy made her that way and probably likes her that way at some level. He is not setting normal boundaries, look at that.

Now, the clingy 15 year old is a real problem but one he can do something about, if he cares to. The baby of your own should be a deal breaker for you no matter how powerful your love is because your love will be gone in time if he won't budge on that one. His love for you will also dwindle as your disappointment about not having a child sets in and as you become dissatisfied with being just a stepmom to some skids you don't really like. He will feel your distain for his 15 year old and that won't sit well. He probably is feeling it already.

You've been married before. Without shared interests and desires like having children, it is too tough. Maybe BF is wonderful...as a BF. Sorry, your co-workers know what they are talking about. BFs and husbands are not necessarily cut from the same piece of cloth. It doesn't sound as though you like the fit right now.

Thanks Lamon what great advice. You are wonderful! When we first started dating we looked into reversal and it has been 11 years since his vasectomy and the Dr. said chances of him having a reversal and it working is slim to none because it has been so long. Then we talked about adoption and we don't have the money for that so that is out of the question. So yes I go back and forth on the baby thing.

Yes I agree Daddy spoils her and she gets away with it and it makes me want to puke. I can understand a child under 10 years of age but come on 15? She doesn't leave his side and when I am on his other side no privacy whatsover. She even follows us into the bedroom and lays in the bed in the middle with us while we are watching TV. I just don't get it.

He will not do anything about his 15 year old period!!! He thinks he is doing everything right and how dare me tell him any different, it just causes a big argument and she does not respect me. I have told him she doesn't respect me and he told me the SD and I need to work it out between us.

Yes I don't like the fit and the more I read on advice from everyone it seems to be let him go and move on no matter the love.

I didnt think it was always possible to reverse vasectomies, and the longer it has been, the less likely it will be to be successful.

"I have told him she doesn't respect me and he told me the SD and I need to work it out between us."

Ok,this is definitely a big no.Number one,he is not having your back.Number two,he is leaving it up to you to work out a problem he is contributing to,so unless HE changes,it is impossible for you to work it out with SD!
He is putting you in a no win situation.

Petunia,

Did I read that right, his 15 year old daughter is getting in bed in between you when you watch TV? In bed with you??!! 15?? Run for the hills. If you love yourself(or even like yourself a little) and your sanity thank the Lord that BF and his daughter are showing who they are to you now. She's competing with you in a womanish way and he's allowing it. Double Yucch. Want to know what to do? Imagine DAILY life with the two of them. Puhleeze.

"When we first started dating we looked into reversal and it has been 11 years since his vasectomy and the Dr. said chances of him having a reversal and it working is slim to none because it has been so long. Then we talked about adoption and we don't have the money for that so that is out of the question."

Adoption is out of the question for him not you. Find someone who has the equipment and money to have a child with you. If that person has the equipment you won't need the money. DH and I considered adoption briefly for a 2nd child, there are services that are very reasonable especially if you foster the child first. From the sounds of it, BF would oppose you doing the sperm bank thing as well since he really doesn't want any more kids, not even for your powerful love.

Wake up and smell the coffee. Sounds like the 15 year old is spilling it in your lap, in bed no less.

I've read all above and honestly think you should listen to coworkers. Leave him. I know it will hurt. Its will, its natural, you love him, but this relationship will not work for many factors.
1. He's made his kids spoiled due to guilt .
2. He wont defend you as his girlfriend, he wont do it when you are married. BIg no no!. He created the trouble with his girl and leaving the baggage on you to handle her attitude. Big red flag!
3. You want kids of your own and can't with him. You will resent it in the futur! i can gaurantee that 100% You will look back, and say to yourself why didn't you just get up and go.
There are many people i have loved in my past but have left them for reasons of my own. I'll cherish the memories and love i have for them but in the end i will live with no regret.
You focus alot on this 15 year old. Ifyou choose to stay and have no kids of your own be prepared to scrap it out with her. On a daily basis.
For example: 'thanks for leaving me alone' ...my response would have been : you're welcome, having time alone is important '
'i'm daddy little girl and he spoils me' my response to that : 'tha'ts nice, but i guess after a while you will still be a baby and when its time to get your own boyfriend you wont have one cause you are still a baby. Should i get you a suess and some diapers next?'
Is this the type of fighting you want everyday? You dear Bf will not respond to those comments? What will happen when you start making love and she just barges in?
I say, drop him and let him deal with his daughter. You honestly do not need this in yoru life. Accept the fact that you love him. But also accept the fact that you will not take his baggage.

Here are my thoughts:

-whether or not 15-year-old's behavior can actually be changed or not changed, or whether it's acceptable given her circumstances, or unacceptable: right now it is what it is. And you two (actually you three) are off on a bad foot already.

-the fact that your boyfriend "left" the girl's mother does not bode well for ANY new woman in his life, per his daughter. So in that regard you can divest yourself of personal blame... she may never like you, and in this specific respect, that is not your fault. What you CAN modulate, though, is the degree to which her skepticism and feelings of invasion eventually fade because of consistent efforts on your part to prove to her that she can trust you and that you do not represent a "replacement" for anybody.
So, some of this is within your control. But some of it may not be.

-however, it is clear you already resent this girl and seem to lack any real sense of empathy for what SHE might be going through with these various adjustments and transitions. Until you can find that empathy, mark my words, you will have big problems getting along with her, and it will very definitely affect your relationship with your boyfriend.

-bear in mind that *right now* the complaint is that she wants too much time with her Dad. Wait til the subjects of chores, cars and college come up. I guarantee you you're not going to like much about all that, either...

-.... because if it's not one thing it will be another. Because fundamentally the issue is whether you (and any baby you may wish to have) will be the "first" (in chronology and/or in importance) in your boyfriend's life, and you already know that the answer is no. And you don't like it. Hence, you don't like his daughter because her very existence is the reason for that. Until you can resolve that core issue within yourself, it will be impossible for you to revert to any stage (if any ever existed) of liking the girl and being excited about being in her life.

-right now it sounds like you are in a relatively early "honeymoon" phase with this guy. This is the period of time where everything is supposed to seem positive, possible, and that "love will conquer all". Even if this guy is absolutely perfect for you, even if the first flushes of passion never, ever fade or even if passion transitions beautifully into the most rewarding and fulfilling companionship forever & ever, it is guaranteed that if you stay together, there will be more conflicts between you. Many of them will be about very serious things, including some decisions relevant to his daughter. How will those be dealt with, if right now no one can seem to agree?

-A parent's children never completely "go away". Ask yourself if your irritation with her being constantly around is *really* just a matter of degree or whether, in truth, you're only *really* okay about her existence when she's absent. If the latter is the case, you will be doomed to upset yourself literally every moment that she is present.

These are tough questions that require you to be very, very honest with yourself and completely undefensive. Not to establish that you're some evil person if you're not overflowing with maternal feelings, but to determine if this relationship is really right for you. If you decide it's just not the situation for you, try to focus not on feeling like you weren't "mommy-like" enough to hack it (many of us aren't) but on the fact that you'll be sparing yourself (and the two of them) a lot of unnecessary hurt and angst.

I would not turn tail and leave, though, until you've made real honest-to-goodness efforts to have empathy for this girl's situation and to try and do FUN, POSITIVE, HELPFUL things to get her to be more independent/social (instead of setting yourself up simply as the complaining adversary). If you have to hook her up with a cute young nephew or schlep her to the mall, so be it. Just don't make it a punishment or a drag for her to be 'out of the way', make it something she WANTS to do...

I do agree with Organicmaria's response:

"For example: 'thanks for leaving me alone' ...my response would have been : you're welcome, having time alone is important '."

If you can say something like that in a firm but not caustic or bitterly sarcastic way, I think that would be a good way to handle some of her comments. It's about tone. No need to acquire any nasty tone with it, but it would be a way to assert your needs for some private time while rising above the petty sarcasm SD is using at those moments.

Thank you everyone for all your great advice. I now know what I need to do and that is leave him and work on getting my own bio child. He will not be able to give me my own child because of his vasectomy. He has too much baggage for me and a very clingy 15 year old that will always be there.

The hard part is how do I tell him, cause this will be very hard for me. I don't like hurting people's feelings and I am sensitive so this will be the hardest part breaking up with him.

Do I do it before Christmas or after? I don't want to ruin anyone's Christmas.

Thank you again for such lovely, caring people on this site that were very helpful with their advice.

I am new to this site and I love how genuine and understanding everyone is.

I personally would do it soon. Because even though it will hurt people, and it will hurt, you cannot get around that aspect, the thought of going through the holidays knowing you are leaving him will leave you miserable and it makes it all worse.
Unless you can live with yourself to do this and then breakup in january
?..but then its before valentines day....do you see how the thought of making such an important decision just hurts further with delay?
End it quick. and be honest. The core thing for you is having a baby which he cannot give you and you cannot go through life without that chance of mother hood. And the 15 year old is his problem. not yours!
You wont ruin christmas. He has his family to lean on. And you can always remain friends. Remember that.
Do youlive together or do you have a place of your own?

I have my own house and he visits with the 15 year old on the weekend. He has an apartment for him and his daughter.

I know you want to make a firm decision and would prefer a clean break, but I would say since the timing is so contentious it's a good reason to use the next one-three months (depending on if you choose to break up pre- or post- V-Day) to try working on some things you haven't tried in this relationship before throwing in the towel. Try to have more open and honest talks with both BF and his daughter. Tell them both that you care very much about both of them and of course about their relationship with each other but that sometimes adult couples need to go on some private "dates" with each other without being made to feel guilty about it. State that you can empathize with their points of view (and really try to, inside yourself), and also ask that they both try to understand your need for couple-only time as well. See if all parties can't come to truly understand where everyone is coming from and come up with some agreement as to how everyone's *reasonable* needs can be met. This is the most important step. If this doesn't work or doesn't seem to help, then perhaps it really is time to cut your losses and break up. But it's amazing what just a truly honest conversation or two can accomplish sometimes. It is often THE thing that is missing, the lack of which causes many, many long-term deep-seated grudges. If it was me, I'd definitely give that a try before I gave up entirely because if it works, then it doesn't have to be too late for your situation to get going on a much better foot.

The big question here is.. Why dosn't he want to spend time with you alone? Maybe he just isn't that into you.

My response to coastalmom:

Thanks for being understanding. He bought me a promise ring and told me he wants to marry me one day. He always drives to my house to be with me, I don't drive to his place to be with him. He tells me he can't live without me.

He doesn't always spend alone time with me because he can't leave his spoiled bratty daughter alone or she will make him feel guilty.

Oh in the bedroom he is into me. But that is ok because I will be leaving him for someone who appreciates what I have to offer and love me for me.

I don't want his baggage anymore.

I think that REAL,true love is all about self sacrifice.
I would tell him,if he REALLY loves you,he will let you go,because he cannot give you what you want or need in this relationship.
If he can get over himself at all,then he should know that he isnt going to make you happy in the long run.So it's more about making HIMSELF happy.That is not real love.

Be gentle,but firm.Dont be passive aggressive.Tell him there is no convincing you this time,your mind is made up.Wish him well.Move on.
Do not take his calls.

Trust me,for YOURSELF,you are doing the right thing! You deserve a real family and a man who will have your back and want alone time with you!

Serenity now I read your response and it was very well written.

I want you to know I tried so hard to accept her in the beginning of the relationship. I hugged her and told her I loved her and did a lot for her because I felt bad her parents were divorced. I told her all the time I loved her to give her confidence and let her know I wasn't with her dad to hurt her.

She continued to ignore me and just talk to dad. I guess that happens to a lot of SM's. She never wanted to do anything with me when I offered, it was only dad she would do things with no matter how nice I was to her. She completely ignored me when all three of us are together having a conversation like I wasn't there. I refuse to be disrespected when I gave 100% to her.

She always started the conversations with the 3 of us "Hey dad guess what" I wasn't included in these conversations.

She knows she can work daddy and daddy goes along. I am tired of being the 3rd wheel.

And I will not let a 15 year old disrespect me.

something smells fishy here. laying in bed wiht two of you watching TV? yikes. who cares if it is V day or Christmas to break up. it is better sooner than later. do it now and move on. i see nothing to empathise here wiht. normal 15-year-olds do not lay in bed wiht parents, intact family or not. sit on a couch yes, not laying in bed. run. it is not going to get better. she is unhealthy attached to her dad (romantically) and it is creepy to say the least.

I have another question for everyone out there. I do not have children of my own so I want to know is it normal for my bf (her dad) to kiss his 15 year old daughter on the lips good night and scratch her back when she requests that of him?

I can understand kissing his daughter on the cheek but lips? Just curious what everyone else thinks because I don't think this is normal.

There's no ONE "normal". It really, really depends on the particular family. Every family and every culture has their own "display rules" regarding the expression of emotions & affection. Some families are extremely "hands off"/more conservative and anything regarding the body is taboo... in other families, kids grow up seeing their parents walk around naked or even talk openly about their sex lives because the body is seen as just a lump of matter. (Think about, for example, the differences between the sets of parents in "Meet the Parents" vs. "Meet the Fockers".... or about the kids of doctors, for whom the body is *completely* demystifed.) It's about what the individuals involved are personally comfortable with.

My personal opinion on the subject is rather middle-of-the-road, I guess b/c I grew up in a pretty "middle-of-the-road" family when it came to those things. Both sets of my BP/SP's joked occasioanlly about their sex lives in front of me (and vice-versa). I've seen both my mom and SM naked several times, just goin' about daily business or getting ready in cramped quarters. I never have seen, nor would I most likely feel comfortable seeing, either my Dad or SF naked (exception: when my Dad got terminally ill, I prepared myself for the possibility that I might have to assist him with certain things and that might necessitate me seeing him naked, but that's an extreme circumstance). I would have no problems giving or receiving a massage from any of my BP's/SP's, nor they from me, provided that there was no touching of anyone's private parts and it was not an overtly "sensual" type deal. For me, basically that's where I'd say a line is definitely drawn, regardless of how conservative/liberal a family is: no reason for anyone's private parts to be involved in anything whatsoever, unless there's a medical type situation that requires it. But conversely, there's no need to *attribute* a sexual aspect to a form of bodily contact that isn't, on it's own, sexual. A back massage is a good example: because we see movies and know of situations where a massage is used as foreplay, we MAY associate it with sex. But massage is also a form of clinical, bonafide therapy which sometimes a person literally NEEDS because their muscles happen to be sore. If it's presumed that a back massage HAS TO BE and IS ALWAYS an inappropriate sexual act between a parent and child, then you might as well presume that of other well-known possible types of foreplay: holding hands, hugging, sharing a meal, interesting conversation or for that matter, smiling.

...and you're not even talking about a *massage*. Scratching someone on the back or a simple "peck" goodnight are nowhere near iffy and I'd guess they are much more commonly done than not done in most families.

As for 15-year-old laying in bed with the two of you (or even, for the sake of argument, just her Dad): it depends on certain factors. Is everyone fully clothed? Is she crawling up on top of and all over him, or just kinda laying there near him, watching tv? Do you really think SD is going to "make a move" on her Dad? If so, and you're present, do you know what you'd do or say to nip it in the bud? The BED is another one of those things that has a sexual association, in addition to its many other meanings/uses such as sleeping, being sick in, or just plain crashing and watching a movie in prime comfort. My guess would be that for your SD it's purely the last one.

Which plays into the other set of variables, which have to do with the tv itself as the focus. Could be as simple as there's nowhere else in the house where everyone can be watching the same thing together on tv as a family and where everyone can be simultaneously stretched out comfortably (which as we all know is the best way to watch tv) as well as being in a good spot to see the tv. Think about it. Most rooms DON'T really have the ideal set-up. Especially not a bedroom, where there usually isn't an additional couch or recliner that stretches out full enough to stretch out on AND is a good viewing distance from the tv (b/c that would tend to make it too far to view from the bed).

If you're really, really concerned about something sick developing out of this situation, I'd suggest trying (or having your BF try, if it's his house) a very practical set of solutions, which may include:

-don't have the best tv in your bedroom b/c that's a temptation for everyone to head to your bedroom to watch tv

-if you MUST have the best tv in your bedroom, be prepared that SD is going to want to watch it...

-...which means if you don't want her in the bed, make sure there's a good comfy spot far enough away from the tv where she can stretch out separately and tell her it's not comfortable when the bed gets too crowded so you'd prefer if she sits in the other comfy spot you've created in there

-if no tv in the house is any better than any other tv, just make more of an effort to move the family tv-watching into the den or living room. If possible, try to make this a more appealing option for everyone by locating other fun/comfy things in there (example: if any of you likes to knit or draw or something while you watch tv, have all that stuff in the den, or a computer for if someone wants to net-surf while they watch tv, etc...). Make it so that it's actually more of a pain to go into your bedroom to watch tv because all this other stuff has to be moved, etc, etc...

we do not kiss on the lips in my family. cheeks, forehead yes. my dad sometimes kisses hands (any women in a family), same did my grandpa. no no lips. to scratch or massage could be OK. but taking in consideration that they are also unhealthy attached (like never leaving each other sight) no, kissing on the lips is not normal under the circumstances.

I don't think the issue is DD watching TV with them, it seems the issue is wiht overly attached to dad and not having any friends. dad cannot even go grocery shopping wihtout her? normally 15-year-olds hate going grocery shopping and are happy parents go by themselves. i don't think it would improve the whole situation if TV is moved somewhere else. i think this issue is much deeper. (I am not suggesting molestation, but just abnormal attachment). never wanting to be by herself? this does not sound good. at 15?

finedreams Thank you thank you thank you for understanding and reading all of the posts. Not about the TV.

The tv thing I brought up cause everyone I have talked to said that was unusual for her to jump in the bed with us. The real issue is she is so clingy to dad we do not have a relationship and I am definately leaving him.

I can't understand if she has all of these friends where are they? We have never met them and dad always offers to drive her to her friends house but she never wants to go to her friends. She doesn't even go to the mall with friends or anything. I just think that is strange. She will only go somewhere if dad is with her. I just don't understand is she afraid someone will kidnap her? If dad is around that won't happen. ONE time I told her dad when we were going to the grocery store tell her we will be right back and she said no I want to go with you.

My friend at work says her 13 year old daughter does not want to be seen with mom and dad and she always begs to stay home when they go out.

I have witnessed when she is with her BM she doesn't act the same and she is not attached to her mommy's hip. She keeps her distance with mommy.

This dosn't seem like normal attachment, it seems like entaglement, possibly emotional incest. This is a situation where the parent of the oposit sex is overenvolved with the child with behavior that is more like a partner then a parent. You
BF is not setting healthy boundries. Try googling emotional incest for more information on this. Show it to BF let him know you want him to be aware of the emotional danger he is placing his daughter in and then run away as fast as you can... there is nothing but pain and heart ache for you in this triangle. You will always be the other woman until he sets the boundries. You can't be in a relationship with someone who already has a partner.

Petunia, I haven't read all the posts so I may be asking a question that has already been asked...Have you tried to speak with your BF about what you want in terms of proper boundaries? Why doesn't the daughter have friends of her own?...This does kind of sound like she's the "surrogate" wife so to speak. As though she has filled his emotional need for a partner. This is more damaging to her if that's the case. Maybe you could broach this subject with him explaining to him that this is as unhealthy for her as it is for the rest of you.

AHHH..you have your own house! he comes to visit on weekends...this explains alot. Now i know where the power struggle is...you have your own territory...daddy runs to you. She doesn't like this. She's afraid of the 'power' you have over her dad and she doesn't like it.
Plus...if i had a 15 year old daughter and i wanted to go over to my girlfriends house on the weekends, i wouldn't bring her over every time. I'ld tell her to make plans with her friends..
No the real problem is your Bf doesn't mind having his daughter attached to the hip and he doesn't defend you. My Dh defends me BIG TIME if any of his kids step out of line. They know it, i know it. His daughter has tried to
'assume ' a power role. Wont let her, i do not give an inch or mm. I've been extremely direct to her where i stand. And frankly i've reached the point where i honestly do not care for her. I care for her as a human being but apart from that....it doesn't go any further. She now visits every 2 months. Andi know the older she gets the more time she will stay away. Do i worry...to some extent yes but at the same time, as long as she behaves with attitude, i do not care to have her in my house. Or anyone with such an attitude.
You have reached the point of your decision and i think its a good one. And besides...i personally do not like a man goading over me....and saying he can't live without me....
If i'm with a person , its because i want to be with them..not because i need to be with them. You need food, water , shelter to survive. Love can be with friends and family...if you cannot live without someone in your life, then that is a pretty dangerous situation for a person to be in. And to me, its not healthy. We all need to stand on our own and have our own space. I'm a true believer of this.

I AM A WRECK

I told my bf I wanted to get on with my life and this situation with is daughter is not for me. I told him I wanted my own Bio child and when I told him this there were no tears from him. I know we brought this subject up a million of times before about me wanting a bio child so he said he knew it was coming. I think that hurt the most, him not crying. I cried the whole time breaking up with him cause we had 2 years together and I still love him.

It is not easy to date these days. Too many weirdos out there and I am lonely and hurt right now. What do I do try to date and tell this new guy I want a child right away? Do I take time off? If so this is so hard for me cause I have had someone most of my life to hug and to love. I have a house with just me in it and it is hard. I know my boyfriend is going to start dating again and I know I need to acccept this.

I am just in tears right now and don't know how to handle my sadness right now.

Petunia,

I am sorry that this has happened. It's probably hard to see this now but if your boyfriend didn't want a baby with you your heartbreak would be worse and forever.

Yes, anyone you date you should tell them that you want a baby. Not on the first or second date but be upfront. This board has stepmothers on it which means our husbands already had kids when they married us. I think a lot have kids with their husbands. No kids is a dealbreaker. A man who loves you will want you to have that most fundamental thing, a child of your own.

"If so this is so hard for me cause I have had someone most of my life to hug and to love. I have a house with just me in it and it is hard."

We all want someone to hug and love...but if you are never alone,then you will never know who you are inside and what you need to make you happy.You will always just go along with whatever makes your partner happy.

You have a house and it is just you,so get yourself a dog or cat.Not only will it start help perparing you for having a baby someday, but they are great companionship!You dont have to have a MAN to be happy.

Breaking up took guts,and I know it hurt,but you know you did the right thing.

Petunia,
You did a very brave thing and you did the right thing. It does hurt to let go of someone you love. BUt your BF didn't cry....says alot and yes it did hurt you and the more reasons that you did the right thing.
You are a strong woman. You have your own house, you do not need a man to be happy. You WANT someone..not NEED someone.
You will date again, trust me and i wouldn't tell him right away you want a child but yes in a relationship you will bring alot of conversation up and i'm sure from all the little convos, you will get a clear picture of your new bo and what he wants. Pick someone with no kids. Or at least kids who have left the nest and are happy, balanced individuals and that your new bo is a happy person too.
Have some time to heal. maybe go on a vacation? Dont concentrate on the fact that you are alone in your house. You have a house, a job and most importantly your health! Be happy that you do not have to deal with headaches. Better to let go of him than to be with him and be miserable.
What would happen if you did marry , had no kids and had lip from SD andhe wouldn't do a damn thing to stick up for you? Is that the life you would ponder for? NOOOO. Petunia, you did the right thing.
HUGS from all of us. I know it hurts. But take a deep breath. Enjoy things now for you. Yourself. Call friends, go out to the movies. GO shopping! Go to a spa. Spoil yourself and be happy for you!
This man you loved didnt' stick up for you and therefore doesn't deserve you. Love comes in many forms. You love your kids, you love your wifeetc..etc..but hey...he has his daughter stuck to his hip and you want a child he cannot give you. Dont look back. Remember good times and take the lessons in you for the rest of your life. And know this. you did the right thing.

take some time off (maybe a month) and then start dating and yes let people know you eventually want children. you did the right thing and I know it hurts but in a long run you did the right hting. and i hope you told him that his relationship wiht his daughter is sick to say the least. move on and be happy. stay strong. you deserve happiness!!!!1

Thank you all for your help through this difficult time. You are all so sweet and caring. I will start making time for myself even if it means taking a bubblebath and reading a good book with a glass of wine.

I know I deserve so much better.

Please help:

Ok everyone I did break up with my boyfriend mainly because of his spoiled attached to his hip 15 year old daughter.

Well when he left he handed me my garage door opener and just hugged me. He didn't tell me he loved me. It was so hard not to hear those words. His girls were with him when he was leaving 12 and 15 and they didn't even hug me goodbye or say goodbye. It is still very hard for me after putting in so much time with them and giving them my love.

I feel heard like someone took my heart out. I realize I broke up with him but are there no feelings at all for me still?

Petunia,

He probably does care but you broke up with him. He is probably hurt, and angry but doesn't want you to see it. Of course the girls were going to be extra aloof, you're their dad's bad ex-gf.

Petunia,
I am going to suggest something for you to think about. I just spent yet another night last night with my female cousin whose man has her in tears yet again. She was in a sitution pretty close to yours before AND I have been there also.

Think about this. I feel personally women (especially myself) have two ways of thinking. Emotionally and Logically. There are articles in men's and women's magazines, I have been this way and my girlfriends can be this way also. There is this thing out there that I call "I cant have him OR it wont work SO I HAVE TO HAVE HIM!!!!!" There have been times that I have met someone and it would never work OR I couldnt have him that I JUST HAD TO HAVE HIM. I built this vision in my mind how great it would be for us "if only". I have chased some of these men around and around (friends have also) to finally get with this person and find out that the guys is not only NOTHING like I thought he is actually an a**. I have seen articles and dating advice for men that say act like you dont want them they will want you. I think that you may "love" this guy sooooooooo much because you know it wont work. He doesnt treat you well. He lets his daughter walk all over you. He walks all over you. I would NOT be sitting down with a 15 year old and having a talk about how me and my guy can spend time together and it work for everyone. We are the adults-she is the child. I have been in this sitution a few years ago. Mr. BH told me that his daughter was just the bessssst kid you will ever know. That in itself made me laugh. Well, when I met her at awhole age 11 it was clear that she not only ran the show but, was dressed like a hoe to run the show. I was not going to have any part of that drama. I stayed in this thing because it was "love at first site" and all that. This was the guy truly for me. ( I laugh now). He also did some strange things with his daughter. Sleeping with her when she came for weekends. He would wear boxers all the time and at my house I would wake up in the middle of the night and his winging would be popped out of those things. I know he wore the same things at home to bed with her. He went into the bathroom when she showered to run some lotion on her. She had a skin rash and at 13 I guess couldnt put lotion on herself. THAT STUFF IS FREAKING WERID. I dont care what kind of family you are in. When a young girl is going threw the change daddy coming into the shower to give her lotion is NOT the norm. I ran like h*ll from this relationship. I did stay for awhile because I loved him sooooooo much. When I look back now he treated me not the best, was freaking weird with his daughter and I was not going to have a 13 whore daughter. Sorry, I am not. Since than I have met someone really great. I remove the emotion from the thinking and look at the logic to help me when needed. By the way, Mr BH not only stalked me after (police were involved) he also stalked 3 other women that he met on the internet (he would show each of them our profiles and tell the new person -look she is sending me a message.) Freaking creepy.

Cut your losses. He does not treat you good now and alot of women want to make it work (especially me) and the guy seems so dang important when it wont work.

Sorry if I rambled on but I swear to you when I cant have him or it wont work he seems like he is just the one for me and I cant live with out him. Once removed and over it I look back and think WHAT WAS I THINKING??????

happynewyear1,

I know there is no sleeping together with the ex and daughter but there relationship is still weird to me. She is like a baby never growing up always needing daddy. I am not worried about the whore because I know that is not happening.

But I am trying to understand your response. So you pick guys that aren't right for you? My ex was perfect for me but is daughter was not and that is the main reason I broke it off.

My problem is moving on because I still love him and I don't feel like no one else will ever love me. I am quite the homebody so I don't date alot. I hated it when I was on the internet dating sites cause there were so many weirdos out there and I don't want to go thru that again.

So here I am thinking I will never have someone and will always be alone. Right now I am in my home trying to stay active by cleaning, taking a bath, on the computer and I just plain hurt. I miss him but not the daughter. I don't know what to do.

Petunia,
We all know that "ache", you just can't get your mind to settle on anything but the guy and all of the wonderful feelings, places you went, things he said, etc.
All of your hopes and dreams wrapped up into a package that did not suit you. It looked fine on the outside, all shiny, no bunged up edges, a fresh bow, but upon opening it, little disappointments emerged didn't they?
No reason to give energy into the whys of him and his children not "acting" the way you thought they aught to at the break-up, unless it's to verify in your heart this relationship wasn't for you.
In helping yourself emerge from this two year "learning" experience try not to think that you'll never find someone to share your life with. Be positive that you will, because you will. And so what if it takes a bit longer for him to show up in your life, can you imagine that you'd settled for less when the right fellow came along? I think there's nothing worse than to be married and lonely. And when your life mate finds you, there will be none of the stresses you feel right now. None.
I know it's hard to think about dating, but do try to think of the fun you might have. Maybe pretend when you were young and had never dated before and that excitement you'd felt? Bring her back :)

Thank you so much deborah ps for your loving thoughts. It is so hard and people have a hard time understanding the pain I am in right now.

Everyone is telling me to move on, like everything should be back to normal.

I don't go out much cause I am sorta a homebody and work all week so I don't know where I can meet someone.

I feel like if I start dating again I will get shot down again and my heart can't take another breakup.

you'll be fine. use internet dating sites when you are ready. or other single groups if you have them in the area. plenty of very decent safe people met online and are now married. I know plenty! just be safe and check their background.

and of course he has feelings. men someitmes don't show that they are hurt. but hurt or not he is not right for you. and yes there are plenty of ways to meet people nowadays. i would not worry about that. :)

"My ex was perfect for me but is daughter was not "

Don't forget about the vasectomy. That's a big flashing red NOT PERFECT FOR ME signal for a woman who wants kids of her own.

Also, I'd differ from most of the other posters about when to tell a man you want marriage and kids. It's not some deep dark shameful secret, but IMO, something that should be reasonably easy to bring up in the first or second date. At that point, it's FAR too early for him to assume you mean HIM, NOW! Or if he shows any signs of panic, quickly and jokingly tell him to relax -- you don't mean any man, immediately -- just that you know that's the direction you want to head and that it would be foolish for you to invest a lot of time in a man that absolutely wanted something different.

Then listen to what he says! If the new guy is absolutley closed-minded to the prospect of marriage or having kids, then enjoy the rest of your last date and thank him graciously and genuinely for telling you the truth.

I think that for a lot of guys, they know pretty quickly if there's a real spark with a woman. And if she indicates she wants marriage and kids, he doesn't want those things, and the spark isn't there -- why drag it out? But if the spark is there and the aversion to marriage and kids isn't too strong -- he'll be back with a different mind-set. One that is respectful of your time, your legitimate interests, and that sees you as a potential wife.

I was wondering now that a few days have gone by if your BF has called to talk to you about the breakup. Just curious if after having time think about what you said to him if he has any desire to work things out, make changes in his life or if he has just said ok and not called you? I agree with moving on and I agree there may possibly be potential in making this work. but if he doesn't call then and make an effort then maybe not. It takes 2 people putting in effort to make a relationship work. You are brave and very strong to walk away. It is very hard to do especially when you care and love someone so much. And by doing that he knows you are serious and has an opportunity to either show you how much he loves you back and wants it to work but if he doesn't do anything then maybe the love was not the same and you are better off making a change for the better in your life and you deserve more. But if he does call then you guys should work together in seeking counseling for his daughter as to why she feels so jealous of you and the need to follow her father around. Most 15year olds want to be with their friends and not their parents. Maybe she doesn't have any friends and that in itself is a problem that hopefully can be resolved so that she can grow up into a well liked, happy, well adjusted girl.
I hope you have friends and family to keep yourself busy so that this hurtful time goes by filled with support from people in your life that can help you through it.
Keep us updated on how you are doing. I send you big hugs!!

WOW Lane76 boy can you relate to me. He has been texting me but we have not seen each other. I think the reason he is texting is because he misses me and I being a nice person text him back with just simple stuff like "Whatca doing". Just friend talk more or less. So yes he has been texting since the breakup.

He told me because he loved me so much he will support me in my decision even though I know he didn't like my decision.

I think if he didn't text me that would be my answer that he really didn't care and/or love me.

Good observation with his 15 year old. I truly believe she has no friends but she tells us she does so she can feel popular. If she had friends we would have met them and she would be spending time with them so yes I agree I don't think she has friends.

I have been in contact with my sister in Michigan, I live in Utah and have no family here and it is very hard for me not to be able to meet up with my sister and just hug her.

I have been talking to some of my friends here in Utah and they suggested I get a puppy so I don't feel so alone and the puppy will love me no matter what.

Thank you so much for your post. All of you ladies on this website have given me the best feedback and I truly appreciate it.

You're welcome petunia,
And i know its a hard time and the ache will linger. i wouldnt' bother with dating services for a while...i would just spend time with family and friends who truly love me and youkmow...getting a puppy sounds like a nice idea.
What type of dog do you have in mind?
i'm allergic to them after so many years working with them...i'ldlike a poodle but my husband said thats a rat and not a dog.
lol...

It will hurt a little less every day. I thinkyou made the right decision.

How funny organic maria a poodle that looks like a rat.

My sister has a bichon poo and loves her to death. She doesn't shed and is a small dog and she says it is like her baby. She said a dog would make me so happy and when I come home from work I will have my puppy waiting for me to love her and take care of her. At least I won't be alone.

Hi Petunia- I saw your posts where you said something like you are afraid you will never meet anyone. I would bet money with you that I am just as much of a home body as you, if not more. *wink* You will meet someone. When you are ready and when you are not looking or expecting it. Sweeby- I disagree with mentioning kids or marriage on the second date. I agree with you on what you are saying but for some reason it FREAKS guys out. Not only does it freak them out but it is in many magazines and articles about dating not to mention it that soon. Again, I agree it shouldnt be that big of a deal.

I have to agree with the person who said the ex is not perfect since she wants kids. I also think he is not perfect because he is not treating you the way you should be treated -as the women in the relationship. Its bad parenting by the parent (not the kid) He allows this kind of stuff to go on. I dont care if he feels guilty or not. You are the adult and the women in the relationship. She is the child. I would not allow myself to be treated in any way other than that. When I am not they are placed on the curb. Yes, it stinks and yes it hurts. Once my head and heart are clear and I am on the outside looking in I clearly see things without my heart involved and I realize that I made the best decision.

As far as meeting people on the internet. I have met guys on the net and out. It made no difference where I met them, what they did for a living, or where they lived
they were who they were and it wouldnt have mattered where I met them. The same people you would meet out and about are the same people that are on the internet. I personally would use a match maker service that you had to pay for. That would weed out some of the people you wouldnt want anyway.

Good Luck
Keep us updated.

Its a New Year and you are going to meet someone special if you let yourself! *wink*

Petunia,online daing sites will make anyone feel like there are only psychos out there.I know alot of people claim to meet the loves of their lives on them,but alot of creeps use them too.
I know you say you're a homebody,but the best way to meet someone is to get out there and get involved in something you like doing.
Get together with friends,take a class,join a gym,have fun!
When you arent trying,he will find you...

So true! when you do not look...wham! I didn't go looking for my hubby. i just went to pick up a computer part and met up with a bunch of friends and he was there. Asked me for a beer and we were just friends for a while at the beginning...i wasn't looking for any relationship.
In fact i really was enjoying my freedom and being alone.
And yes, i did get a dog for a while. Her name was Roxie and she was a boxer. What a wonderful dog...but i gave ot her a friend after a year. My allergies got worse and roxie didn't help when she soap bars and chewed off all my switches off the stove! lol....Didn't know a dog could eat soooo much plastic! other than that she was a fantastic companion:)

Petunia--

Try to look at this break-up as a chance to get some more experience on the dating/social scene. I'm not sure how old you are, but it sounds like some more experience will do you good. It sounds like you were in a long marriage, and that perhaps this last relationship was one of your only other serious ones. All of us eventually learn, after dating enough people, that life moves on, there are ALWAYS other fish in the sea, and that even in "dry spells" our world doesn't end, nor do we become pathetically alone, just because it doesn't work out with a particular person. Yes, it hurts for a while, and let yourself feel some of that rawness now. But you WILL find someone else when the time is right, and the circumstances are right, and it will be a positive learning experience in the meantime.

You've already learned what some of your needs are and what you can/can't or will/won't deal with well regarding certain situations. I think it's clear that you need to avoid men with kids, at least for the time being and until you've been out more in the world. Definitely, anyone even thnking of taking on a step-parent role has got to have a pretty good background in understanding different kinds of people, all aspects of human nature, and not be easily shocked, intimidated, overwhelmed, or insecure. A lot of that comes with more experience, and time. In the meantime, ENJOY the process of meeting some more people and being more free to choose what's best for you as you will continue to learn what that really is.