When I was 16, I dated a guy of 28. My mother freaked out, but he had a quiet word with her and she accepted the situation - I was a very innocent and naive, and he was prepared to wait until I'd dated other guys and grown up a little, for however long it took. He never took advantage of my innocence in any way. I did not know about that conversation with my mother until she told me about it 30-odd years later. At 17 I left home to live far away, met another guy and announced our engagement. Brought my fiance home, and even invited the older guy to meet him (I cringe to think about that!). Poor guy broke down, begged me not to go ahead with the marriage. My mother went into a spin. I married the second guy, what a disaster it was! The older guy went into mourning, ended up moving overseas, but came back after a few years and still visited my mother, to find out about me. I knew nothing of this for many years. He never married. I never forgave my mother for not telling me this guy's true feelings for me. If I could find him now, and assuming he still wanted me, I'd marry him without hesitation. If I knew where to start, I'd look for him right now. I think we all have 'the one we should have married' somewhere in our lives, and a lot of regret for making the wrong choice.

eldorado, I have to admit I am somewhat skeptical about her intentions now because she originally made the offer to allow you to continue making payments through CSS, and now seems to be expressing a desire to "change the deal". On this issue, I would hold firm. Am I understanding correctly that your X is also in the U.S. and it is only your daughter who is living in India? If so, then your X has just every bit as much to lose as you do by leaving her daughter there, and just as much to gain by bringing her back to the U.S. If my understanding is correct, then I would be willing to bet money that she has been missing her daughter just as much as you, and was planning on bringing her back ANYWAY! I would also be willing to bet money that the ONLY reason she even started communicating with you is because she knows full well that once she does, she would not be able to stop you from enforcing your visitation rights--regardless of whether or not you are making any payments whatsoever! So she figures she might as well strike a deal with you, because it's in her own best interests to do so. So she's not really doing you any favors, but hey! That's business! And I seriously recommend you NOT give her any indication that you know this because if you do, you risk turning the negotiations into a "pissing contest" and if that happens, well, for the sake of their own pride, some people will even hurt themselves by giving up the very thing they want the most, and she just might retaliate by leaving your daughter in India. And my bet is also that she is currently paying a pretty steep fee to the relatives or whoever in India she left your daughter with--I doubt they're taking care of your daughter for her for free! Oh, and if she left them with, say, her parents? Well then my bet is also that her parents may have so bonded with your daughter that your X is starting to realize if she doesn't bring her daughter back soon, she may have a real problem getting her back at all! As far as child support goes, well, the laws on this vary from state-to-state, however it generally is determined by a set formula--and almost every state has the calculations for this right on line. All you have to do is to google, "child support calculator" along with the name of your state, input the variables requested, and the result should tell you exactly what you will be required to pay. So first, use the above method to find out how much you will be required to pay in child support, let her know that you've looked it up, along with the results, and also give her a link to the website so she may do the same. Then I would ask her for the DATE she is thinking of bringing your daughter back, and let her know that you will make the first payment on that very same date. I also recommend you make the offer to at least help pay the expenses of your daughter's return, at least 1/2 the plane fare, if not all. In all fairness, you shouldn't have to pay anything as you were not the one who sent her away, but "fair" doesn't matter right now, your only concern for the time being should be to get your daughter HERE! But I wouldn't bring that up right now in this initial stage of negotiations. I would first run your proposal for CS past her first, and save the issue of plane fare for a little later, to "sweeten the pot" so to speak. And again, do "whatever it takes", within reason of course. And remember, the second your daughter's plane lands, if your X gives you any indication that she will be unreasonable or if she threatens or if you even SUSPECT for a single second that she might try shipping your daughter off again, then IMMEDIATELY run to a lawyer to have an "ex parte" or emergency motion filed to prevent her from doing so. An "ex parte" motion can generally be granted the VERY SAME DAY it is filed, and if she tries to send your daughter off anyway, not only can she be arrested and held in jail for "contempt of court" but will be subject to federal kidnapping charges as well. And once your daughter is here, well, if your X is now working and making her own money--and especially if she's doing well, you may very well be able to go back into court for a modification of the "spousal support", which very few states now even grant ANY "spousal support," and the ones that do, it's usually only for a certain time period anyway. All of that's a mote point though until, again, you get your daughter HERE, so again, "whatever it takes", but I do tend to think you're in a much stronger position with her than you may realize--but again, it would serve no purpose in letting her know that and might actually harm your chances, so for now, I recommend you just comply. As far as the money you have been putting in trust? In order to answer as to whether or not you should tell your X about this, I would need some idea what type of trust account it is? Is this a trust in your name, or one in your daughter's name? Who has control over the money in this trust?

Help I have the same problem but it's EVERY weekend and it's MY house and MY bed. at first it was just saturday night but now his ex has taken to last minute asking my fiance to take his 8 year old daughter on friday night's. the first night she asked to sleep with us he got mad, he was still enjoying our cuddle time. i felt bad cause our relationship was so new i told him she was scared and it was ok. WHAT A MISTAKE! it hasn't stopped since, 3 months. he doesn't even try to put her in her own bed. if i do stay in the bed i usually end up on the couch. the other night i went to sleep in her bed but could not fall asleep. i thought screw this, that is my bed. they were both asleep but i pushed myself in next to him. i don't know what to make of it. i can't think she's afraid. it's a small house her room is literally 10 feet down the hall. we leave a light on in her room, the bathroom light on and both bedroom doors wide open. i've talked to him about this twice and my plan was to just go sleep somewhere else but now i'm thinking he can sleep with her in the little twin bed or if he can't be man enough to stand up to her and lets her come to our bed he can sleep in the middle so i can still be close to him. she does this whenever we are together. if we are sitting on the couch she insists on sitting between us. when we took her to the movies she let us know well in advance she was sitting in the middle. i hate to sound like a spoiled child. i just don't know what i am doing. i never dated a man with an ex wife let alone children so all this is new to me. he doesn't have these things to deal with as my children are grown. i think it is even harder for me because when my son was the same age i had moved in with a man and he was still dealing with his father's and my divorce. he would come to our bed almost every night. my boyfriend at the time would get very angry. i worked really hard to get my son to sleep in his bed through the night even as it broke my heart.of course i wanted to comfort him and make him feel safe. i feel like i am in a terrible position

Ann ~ it's so nice to read your rational posts, and I would love to have you as the BM on the flip side to my extended family. The simple point you made months ago, to the extent of why wouldn't BD be happy to have another caring and supportive person in his kids' lives, made me smile. It seems, and I generalize I know, that too many bio-parents let their insecurities force them into hating step parents. Those feelings then put their children in the middle of an affection battle that ends up harming those children everyone says are trying to protect. Ironic, huh? I think only one poster really touched on this, and it's one point we struggle with. What are we teaching our children about dealing with conflict if everything has to be broken into "mom" time, "dad" time, think about "my" feelings, etc. Aren't we adults? What about their first job with a co-worker who makes them feel insecure, takes some of their spotlight on a big project and makes it uncomfortable to come to work? Should they alternate days at the job with the co-worker so they feel more secure? Grow up! Aren't the kids' time and feelings more important then ours now? Isn't that what being a parent is all about, or am I totally off base? Okay - this obviously struck a nerve and I apologize for the rant. Ann - I wish you the best, and hope things continue on this current path. You all deserve it.