Should I date again after a violent relationship with ex - fiancee?
10 years ago
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Should I give someone who cheated in the past on an ex, a chance?
Comments (25)Hey guys, need your help again. So I've been seeing this same girl since I first posted this. Things are great, awesome actually. The sex is amazing, we don't fight, we seem to be on the same page about everything. We just took a trip to Hawaii, her first time ever, my second. I had a ton of points so I took care of the room, flights and most of the rental car. We had an awesome time, everything went great, all was well. She even jumped off of black rock, a 25 foot jump, awesome that a girl will do that. Most wouldn't. Going into this trip (before we left) everything was puppy dogs and rainbows, because we had something to look forward to. I wasn't really thinking too hard about whether she was right for me long term, because for the trip I didn't care. I just wanted to have fun and go with a girl I could be romantic with. Anyways, we're back now and I find myself questioning things again. I find myself wondering about the cheating. I need a little perspective. We discussed the cheating before and I made my peace with it. I told her I was good with it, and would not bring it up again. But for the past couple of days I've been wondering how it went down. Was it a simple kiss? Or did she sleep with the guy? I think that distinction makes a huge difference because if she simply slipped up and kissed the guy, then it's like "oh crap, what am I doing???" it's less of a big deal to me. But if she slept with the guy, it tells me she had many opportunities to stop and continued all the way. I hope I'm making myself clear. Basically, I want to know if she's the type of person that immediately realized what she was doing was wrong, and stopped, or if she knew it was wrong and kept going, all the way to sex. It's the same distinction as a person who slips up and kisses someone or has an ongoing affair. A person who has the ongoing affair knows what they are doing is wrong and continues to do it. Sometimes a kiss happens fast, you realize it's wrong, and you stop. To make a decision on whether or not to continue this relationship, is it important for me to know what happened and how it all went down? I know I don't have a "right" to know, but she has said she'll tell me. I'm just not sure I want to know and if it matters. Things are great, she's said she would never cheat on me, she seems like a super nice girl and I want to believe her, but I am a really bad judge of character. Do I ask her this?...See MoreDating My Ex?
Comments (3)Agree with finedreams, especially about the kids if you have them. Would add....be wary of familiarity and ease being mistaken for attraction. Of course its more difficult and time-consuming starting again with somebody new and sometimes re-dating the familiar partner seems easier and more comfortable than all of that. Just don't kid yourself. If the old issues are actually still with you, don't pretend they're different....See MoreAfraid issues with stepchild/ex will force me to cut & run...help
Comments (57)Dear lovehadley, I've never posted to this board before but I felt compelled to send a message to you. I'm an experienced stepmom of three. My stepkids have two different mothers. One BM is reasonable and helpful. The other is unstable and narcissistic. We have had to work very hard to keep this brood together - and I've learned a lot. I can tell you from experience that unless you set some boundaries and take control of your life, you are in for rocky ride that will definitely include an unwanted divorce. You are correct that most courts now favour 50/50. It's fashionable and it doesn't require anyone to make a real decision. However, it doesn't work for all children or all families. It won't work in your case. The BM is set on making trouble and the child is out of control. The current situation is bad. Moving to 50/50 would be better, but you'd still have an obsessive BM harassing you and a child in your house that you can't manage. Just imagine this child in 5 years, when he's almost as big as you are. Furthermore, your quality of life is just not good enough. You are very young, obviously articulate and you clearly have a compassionate nature. Yet your day to day life is all about your stepson and this crisis. You are going to wake up very soon and find that you're 40 years old and have wasted your young years fighting a battle that you can't win. You need to take control of your situation. It's not working and your fiance's proposed solutions aren't going to make life any better for you. He can fight for sole custody of this child, but he most likely will lose. Even if by some miracle he wins, the child will be opposed to it and he'll be unmanageable. Furthermore, the BM will get very liberal access which will be just the ticket she needs to harass you every minute of your life. It won't be much of a victory and it won't last long. I can pretty much guarantee that this child will end up living fulltime with the BM. Either he will demand it, or you will demand it, or you will leave and your fiance will have no choice but to relinquish custody. How you get to this place is up to you. You can continue to live in this nightmare until you walk out, or you and your fiance can figure out a reasonable schedule whereby this child can live with his mother, and spend ENJOYABLE, nonthreatening visits with you. Believe me, once the BM has this kid on her hands fulltime, she'll be VERY EXCITED about these access visits and she'll make sure that the child is as good as gold every minute. And, best of all, once she's dependant on you for the occasional break, her behaviour will improve dramatically. It's too bad that this child has a lousy mother and behavioural problems. But you can't solve this problem and ruining your life won't make it any better. All you can do is set boundaries for you own life, and then enforce them. It's tough, I know. But, trust me, it works and you will be much happier. The child will be happier too. It's bad to have an unstable mother. But it's much worse to be caught in the middle of a war and be swatted back and forth between two different worlds twice a week. Let your fiance read this email. Good luck....See MoreKeeping a relationship with stepchild after relationship ends
Comments (8)I agree that both her BF and BM have issues. However, I really don't see their issues being bad enough to justify purusing it in the court. If it does get worse over the next few months or years, then that will be something I consider pursuing in court. I would need her to tell me that is what she wants versus me bringing up that option and confusing her more. My ex knows that I'm talking to his daughter now via her cell phone and has not said anything about it. I think he is at least trying to do right by her. Although she tells me he goes to the bar almost everynight, I just indicate if someone is there with her, then it is fine. Once things with us is more in the past, then I hope he will let me visit with her regularly and we'll be able to speak civilly to each other. She already indicated she would like to stay a few days at my house over the winter break. In the summertime, maybe I can get her for a week or two as suggested and then I'll be able to take some time off and we go on a trip together. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on myself and having positive conversations with her about the good things going on in both of our lives instead of all the drama. During my relationship, I unfortunately lost sight of myself and now I have the time to refocus and find myself. I intend to quit smoking, start exercising, and eating right. These are my biggest flaws. Removing them will help ensure I'm the best I can be for myself and allow be to be the best role model possible for her....See More
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