Finances with step-children

10 years ago

My SO and I have been dating for over a year. We share expenses 50-50. We have decided to live together in another state, and again, share everything 50-50. His grown children want to move with us. His kids are good kids. One has graduated from college and has been working, but want to go back to school full-time and change careers. The other will be graduating in December. It's a sensitive subject, but if his (grown) kids are living with us, I don't feel it is fair to have to pay 50%. I think his kids need time to "get on their feet" (I am thinking 3-6 months), but as some point, they need to help contribute to the expenses. If my SO doesn't want them to help with expenses, then I think he should cover.
I am looking for advise on what the new % should be. My initial thought was that the total expenses should be split by the number of adults living in the home. My next thought was that utilities and food should be split by the number of adults but rent may be something less. Does anyone have a good rule of thumb?

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amylou321

10 years ago

Me and my SO have something of an unspoken arrangement which may not be of any help....but I'll share anyway. It will allow me to vent at you at the same time.He has grown children I have no children. His kids are NOT what I would call good....although they are not really BAD either. They are in there 20s ( I am 30 he is in his 40s) they have no plans for school, and work menial low paying jobs. Basically they want the perks of being adult but they don't want they responsibility. Every once in a while...they end up staying with us. When that happens....he automatically pays more. I always buy all the groceries because he hates to shop and I kind of ended up like that. But when they come and stay with us...I have no other bills to pay. I expect it's because he knows I don't want them there and he doesn't want me to explode when I find a sock hanging from my living room ceiling fan. (True story...how did a sock get there? Don't know and dont want to) OR when I buy 500 dollars.worth of groceries and they take 4 days to eat and drink or use everything. I would be more willing to contribute when they are there if I thought they were trying to get on their feet...but they are looking for a place to stay because they made their mother mad and she kicked them out usually.

That being said. ...I agree with you. They are his children...and although they may need help you aren't under any obligation to provide them anything. I wouldn't charge them rent. You will be paying the same whether they are there or not. That expense might prohibit them from getting on their feet. I would certainly expect SO to cover the extra utilities and food. So rent:you and your SO split 50-50. Because as I said the cost is the same regardless of number of people. (Unless you have to rent something bigger than you planned to accommodate them) Utilities should be split evenly among the adults..the kids covered by the parent if they don't want kids to have to pay. know this can be a touchy subject. But if your SO is reasonable...they should see it your way. I think you are being very gracious in allowing them to live with you. That situation on its own can be awkward. Money talk just makes it more so. If nothing else this is a good test of your relationship and a foreshadowing of the future for you to consider. Good.luck.

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Comments (9)

User
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
If you are married, being protected by community property law, you could deposit all your incomes to a joint account, and draw the expenses from it.

But since you are not married, why use 50/50 split unless you each have same income (salary, bonus, overtime pay, income from investments and properties..etc. )? You do need to find a fair ratio for your contribution.

"the total expenses should be split by the number of adults living in the home" sounds good. As in spite of rent/mortgage stays constant, there are wear and tear to the building, infrastructures, equipments and appliances..etc. that need to take care.
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Of course it is a hostess' obligation to try to make her guests comfortable and tolerate any variations they cause to the normal day to day routine of the house. This should not be too onerous for the hostess - because it is also incumbent upon the houseguests to do their best to make sure that they are pleasant, as little trouble as possible, and hopefully even do small things to show their appreciation for the hostess, if they can. Where I used to live, when my brother would come to visit he'd sleep on my sleeper sofa in the living room. As hostess, and one who got up earlier than him, I'd try to keep quiet so that he could sleep. In such a small place generally that meant I'd have to leave and run errands! When I'd return from errands, as guest, my brother would have sleeper sofa made back up and his personal belongings reasonably tidied up. Having or being a houseguest can be a bit stressful but so long as both parties try to think of what they can do to make it easier for the other person generally all goes fairly well. But, the problem here is that it sounds like the adult skids are not doing their part to follow any etiquette, and if only one party is expected to behave well (DannieB, by being expected to be an accommodating hostess) without any reciprocal attempts by the skids to be good guests, it is natural that she'd begin to feel put-upon and used. She's the hostess - she's not a maid, and she's being taken advantage of (letting their dog on someone's furniture?! Really?!) What if you're at work, and periodically someone runs over to doughnut shop across the street to get breakfast? A colleague might ask if you'd mind getting them a doughnut too, and offers to pay you. You, of course, say yes to the request and no to the offer of payment - it's a doughnut, for heaven's sake! And normally one doesn't quibble over who owes pocket change to whom. Fine - but what happens when ten months later you realize that you are always buying doughnuts for this one person? That person has never reciprocated? Yes, it's just a doughnut - but ten months worth of daily doughnuts start to add up, and no one likes to feel used. Most people are going to not say anything, not cause a scene - but just start quietly slipping out for doughnuts so the colleague doesn't know beforehand, and thus can't ask for another freebie at someone else's expense. DannieB has been putting up with this for twenty years. Her husband won't say anything, the "kids" can't be bothered, she can't tell the kids to go stay at a hotel - there are only two options left for her (well, three if you count divorce and/or murdering the skids, but they're both a bit extreme, LOL!). One is to keep putting up with this, and I'm unaware of any rule of etiquette which says that anyone is obligated to repeatedly put themselves into a position in which they know that they will be taken advantage of, anymore than doughnut person is required to keep announcing intentions to get doughnuts and thus cornered by good manners into buying them, or two, to remove herself from this equation by going to a hotel herself.
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sylviatexas1
10 years ago
It shouldn't be a "sensitive subject", & you won't get anywhere treating it like it is one.

Speak to your partner.

azmom's solution sounds right to me.

If partner wants to foot the bill for his children, he can pay their share.

Otherwise, you're going to be treated like a resource:

used until you're used up & then replaced.

I wish you the very best.
elenag_67 thanked sylviatexas1
User
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Agree with sylvia's inputs.

May be it is my bad luck, I have seen so many women mess up their finance, especially in relationships/marriages as:

- In general, women only receive 70% of the pay that men receive when they have same job responsibilities.

- Usually, women are more nurturing, putting more value in relationship than men, and they tend to take care of others and short change themselves.

- Women have too much quilt, especially when they get fair or more share.

- I really hate to say this (ladies, don't yell at me). Based on my experience, in general women are less analytical may be because of lacking of training. They easily get confused when working on calculations and algorithms with a little complexity. They tend to focus on details but miss big pictures, so they win battles but lose wars.

- I think this is parents/society's faults. They don't encourage girls to take hard majors such as Science, Engineering, Law, Medicine, Finance..etc. fields. Even my own mother wanted me to be a teacher so that I could have same time off once my children reach school age. I asked her what happened when they grew out of schools - the conversation did not go well.

When in middle school my daughter was very sad as her nick name was "brain". I said to her someday she would be very happy when she makes three times more than these "gorgeoues" and "sweeties". She made 6 figures before her 28th birthday.

- Another factor is men have more mentoring than women. Men are not necessary more smart, but they do receive more coaching from other men.

Guess I am way digress...I wish all the women have clear mind and vision when entering their relationships.
elenag_67 thanked User
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
Amen, Sistah!
veronicasgrandma
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
The bottom line is 1) talk to your partner and 2) have a plan BEFORE they move in. If you're going to give them 2 months all expenses paid, tell them that. Make sure there is an end date, i.e. one year and they get their own place. Make your expectations very clear before they walk through that door, not just about money, but housekeeping, having friends overnight, groceries, etc. I've seen way too many friends move their kids, their kids' friends, grandchildren, etc. back into their homes with no established rules or guidelines and it always ends up being a nightmare. Good luck
User
10 years ago
Dear Abby or was it ann L once said children 18 and older should contribute

25% of their income to household expenses.
blueheron
10 years ago
I would be very wary of moving in with a SO who has grown kids. It's a given that they will probably mooch on you both and once they're ensconced in the house, how are you going to get them out?
tfitz1006
10 years ago
I think you sound very sensible. I would not want this arrangement. I'd rather live alone. You won't be able to get them out with a stick of dynamite.

Finances with step-children

amylou321

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