Your situation is sort of similar to mine. I didnâÂÂt have a problem if my BF mentioned something about one of my daughterâÂÂs behavior. But if I ever mentioned something about his sonâÂÂs behavior, heâÂÂd get defensive and it would cause an argument. The problem is the two of you have different parenting styles. Your BF is a wimp. He is scared to discipline his children. He does not enforce visitation. It doesnâÂÂt matter if the kids donâÂÂt want to come, he should make them come. BM is violating a court order if she does not allow the kids to visit. Also, you have no problem with your BF discipling your kids, but he has a problem with you correcting his. This is a double standard that is not going to work. You are in a situation where your children see someone their age disrespect their elders and get away with it. It will eat you up inside, not only will you have to put up with a sullen, disrespectful teenager, but you will feel the unfairness towards your own children who do behave. This was one of my concerns with my exBF. I knew it was not fair to my kids to live with someone who was allowed to misbehave while they were punished for the same offenses. I also cannot tolerate bad behavior in children, any child for that matter. And living with a child who constantly back talked and didnâÂÂt mind would be very stressful for me. On top of that, having to keep quiet about all the bad behavior would drive me insane. You are trying to make excuses for your BFâÂÂs poor parenting, but in the end you know he is to blame. He is the one that does not want you to discipline his son. He is the one that allows his son to get away with things. Good parents donâÂÂt worry theyâÂÂre going to push their children away when they discipline them. They arenâÂÂt scared to discipline their children when they need it. There are legal remedies your BF can take if the BM is trying to turn the children against their father or denying visitation, so thatâÂÂs no excuse. Your SS knows he has the upper hand with his father and has no respect for him. On top of that, he sees his dad telling you not to discipline him, giving the child even more power. It sounds like your BF does not agree with your kind of parenting. For my relationship, we both tried to compromise but even when I tried to relax and he tried to be stricter we still couldn't come close enough for the relationship to work. Differences in parenting cause breakups even in intact families. This post was edited by Amber3902 on Tue, Jul 16, 13 at 10:29

I agree with Cat about the marriage situation. I think the adult children problem will work it self out. It maybe that they will never be close to you, does that bother you? If you love the man try to work out a solution. I really think in most cases the 'kiddies' are jealous. Just be sure to discuss it with him in a calm manner and let him know how you feel. Try to keep emotions in check and a trip to a professional does help. It does seem that many adult children are not very 'adult' at all. I met DH when I was 47 and we started a romantic relationship when I was 48. He had transferred from the state where his adult children lived and each year he would pay for 4 to 5 of them to come for a week or two vacation. This cost about $5000! For some strange reason it was always the same oldest daughter that came with her children. I stayed out of it and they were polite. Then he retired and I still worked, they expected the same trips, plus send one of hers to France on a school trip, another two of hers wanted to come each year at Christmas, all at our expense. He had been buying Christmas gifts for each grandchild (12) from a list they provided, plus giving all three of his daughters $300 for gifts and $100 each to shop for themselves. Can you spell guilt lol!!!!! And his 3 girls took advantage of it. I was paying the house payments and other bills and the oldest had the nerve to ask him who was getting the house when he died. I told him we could not afford all of this after he retired and he agreed. That's when they started to get nasty with me, they do not even say hello when I answer the phone and my name is never included on the cards. Of course, it was all my fault. I explained to them we didn't have the same amount of money as before. I guess to punish him they stopped calling, send no cards Christmas, Father's Day, or his birthday. This hurt him deeply and he talked to a counselor. After we had been together for 6 years and a Christmas without hearing from them I called one of his sisters and explained what was going on. I asked her if she thought I was out of line if I called them, she said no, that she thought they were selfish. I wanted until DH went to bed (3 hour time difference, we were later) and I e-mailed one and told her how disappointed I was that as big of a family as he has not one of them could call him on Christmas or the other holidays. I said I would send her the pre stamped cards if that was the problem. I had the phone number for the oldest and I called her. I politely and calmly told her the same thing. She started screaming at me so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear. She said everything was fine until I came along, he was retiring in their state until he met me. They all 3 did send cards the next holiday so it was worth it. They will not come to visit unless we pay for it. It is not that they can't afford it. We moved to a small area and they say there is nothing to do here. Doesn't visit your father count???? When we send gifts we never get a thank you and DH will call to see if they received the gift. The last time I embroidered 4 burp cloths and we mailed the gift. We had been invited to the shower in another state, but no one sent a thank you or even bothered to send a birth announcement. I told him this hurt my feelings and I would no longer make personal gifts for them. If he sends a gift it's up to him. We have discussed the situation and we met with an attorney and had all papers drawn up and the house is in both our names. It finally came to an understanding for him when his oldest called us last year and was telling him she had to put the kids school clothes on credit cards. I did fell a little sorry for her. 3 months later he receives a post card from Italy, she was on a 2 week vacation with her boy friend. His chin fell to the floor, but now he understands his daughter perfectly!!!!! His brothers and sisters treat me very well, but I did let him visit last year alone when his brother was in hospice so he could visit his children without the tension of ME lol!!!!

There is obviously much more to the story here. I can understand your being surprised by what seems to you to be out-of-the-blue behavior. First thing I'd do if I were you is try to get in "asking" mode with the Aunt and let her know you are receptive to whatever insight she may have into what the SDs are currently dealing with. Let her know you care about the SDs' welfare and want to help if it's requested. Let her know that you genuinely want to understand what the source of their upset is with you and that you want to listen to it without judging, rejecting or minimizing any of it. For now, try to keep any and all discussions you have about SDs between you and the Aunt, not with SDs yet and don't drag your husband into it either until you've gained some more insight and there is no more 'surprise' about how the current state of affairs developed. The Aunt sounds like a caring and articulate person who understands your point of view and wants the situation to be better for everyone. As for your children, you might want to have a conversation with them directly addressing the recent cut-off in communications. The Aunt's letter sounded as though the SDs are both dealing with difficult times. (Do you know of any particular event, conversation or change that has occured recently ---especially regarding you or your kids--- which might be precipitating this for both of them right now?) It sounds like they may be fighting depression, and as we all know, depressed people often withdraw from people and have trouble living up to all of their commitments. I would explain to my kids that they are dealing with some stuff right now and their choices are nothing personal against them. And that sometimes people can be erratic and need a little space from time to time. If what the Aunt tells you about why SDs are upset is something that you can neither understand nor accept, that is your choice. If you choose not to accept it, you are removing yourself from the equation (as it sounds like they have, at least for now) but that isn't a choice you can make for your husband. He may accept or reject their perspective, but that is his choice to make. You also have the option to hear what their complaints are and try to work with them towards some kind of resolution. Husband and SDs, too, have that option, which they may take, or they may not. You can only decide what choice is best for you based on what you feel about what you learn. Others will have to make their own choices, based on their own feelings, in due time.

I think you should talk to your wife, tell her you can't stand around while her children treats her badly. Tell her you will stop them if necessary. I was in a second marriage and our children were young teens and we discussed the discipline and decided he would take care of his daughter and I could discipline my son. But he said if your son disrespects you I will step in and stop him. It never happened but it was nice to know he would.