All I have to add after the last couple postings here is: be extremely detailed on what you (whether it be you or husband)exactly want. Be ridiculously specific leaving no room for a need of clarification...even if you/he now may believe there is no need to go to such extreme aka outlining even the simplest things which may have no monetary valve in the thick of things (personal items). --"The greed will cause many of the children to worry about what they will inherit from their parents"--(Shakti) It broke my heart for some of my mother's SO's heirs as I watched what the one daughter did and what she put them all through. SO only had two children, one had become deceased a number of yrs before SO passed. This daughter automatically assumed then everything should be hers. SO wanted his deceased child's three children to have the deceased son's share. He also left a portion of his estate to his two stepsons from his 2nd marriage. This part was due to the fact their mother (wife #2 married 15 yrs, and she was now deceased 20 plus yrs) had invested in building the house...it was a return of their mother's investment. Something SO had promised wife #2 when she died that he would honor. And he did. What shut daughter down at her every attempt was that iron clad overly detailed will and his immaculate record/bookkeeping. Oh, but it was not just the items of valve that this daughter made noise over. She screamed, yelled and totally made a stink over every last little item. She then proceded to drag up countless items that gentleman himself had given away over the yrs while he was still very much alive. Seriously, for example SO gave so and so (a grandchild) a china set 15 yrs ago so according to daughter so and so should now have this count towards a portion of the division. Then daughter tried the old 'this or that is missing, where is it'. What she was squealing about on this one was SO had (without informing and/or consulting with this daughter because it was none of her business) sold his mother's wedding rings (something that had been left to him by his mother). Daughter claimed they were in the safe and somebody has them hidden and Daddy said she could have them when he died. In reality the gentleman sold them all on his own. What was actually in the safe fortunately was the reciept from the sale of the item ...so that shut her up for a few minutes, well, until she came up with the next item to acuse and scream over. As I mentioned earlier, SO loved his daughter with his whole heart, but he never ever even yrs before his death underestimated the lady. Clever old man kept quite detailed records of what had been done and/or given away or sold over the years and is will was detailed and solid. The daughter got exactly what the SO had desired her to have as far as possessions and division as did each and every other heir...but in the end they all got less actual money than they would have because two lawyers (the daughter's and the estate's) got a larger chunk than should have happened if she'd have just abided by her father's wishes. Now there is anger amongest the heirs at the daughter over this sad ending. Final checks were cut last week, but I have no idea what will happen as far as any kind of personal relationship between that family now. So much anger and fighting. I can't imagine the family has much of a chance of ever reuniting and being a 'family' again. I'm just glad my mother is finally clear of them all now that the job of closing the estate is over and can walk away from them.

I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance...

Oh my. In my opinion, you need to speak to husband. He is making things harder than need be. Your husband being overly stubborn over the title 'grandma' is going to work against you, not in your favor. Husband can not stomp his foot and demand his grandchildren call you anything other than politely address you by your name. When and if the kiddies choose to call you 'grandma' they will do it on their own (and I don't think the adult children should object if the kids themselves choose to call you this title). Refusing to go to the party because DH could not sign the card 'grandpa and grandma'? Ouch. It really sounds like you are being very willing to work with everyone involved to make things comfortable and agreeable to everyone concerned....it's your husband that needs to stand back a bit and let things take a natural course. The kiddies may never call you grandma, but if they are receptive to you and respectful of you they very well may come to appreciate your role in their life. Just because you are not called 'grandma' does not mean you can't have a caring/loving relationship with the kids if they are willing. I think the important thing is the relationship itself and not what you or they call it. If they want to call you Grandpa and _______ , so be it. The important to me would be that a title does not get in the way of the actual actions and relationship. I would not be offended if I were called _______. I would be offended if Grandpa was called Grandpa and I was called 'hey you' and treated rudely. If I were not wanted to actually participate in the parties and family events or mistreated because I did so, then I'd have issues. Being called _______, I could be happy with. Afterall, bottomline, I not grandmother and should not demand a title they are not willing to share. My youngest daughter has no living biological grandfather. My mother's SO (22 yr relationship before he passed on)was 'Grandpa' to her. The gentleman helped full a otherwise empty role in her life. But no one made her address him as 'grandpa' and no one made him take on the role of 'grandpa'. It just happened. She crawled up on his lap one afternoon, hugged him and said 'I love you Grandpa'. We (mother and I) never called him anything but his first name to my daughter. She did it all by herself. The gentleman just totally beamed with joy when she took him by surprise by doing so. Mother and I kept our mouths shut and let them have their grandpa/grandchild relationship. No one tried to sway their relationship one way or the other. They chose it, they developed it, we (mother and I) stayed out of it. That's not to say though that my daughter does not know he was really not her biological grandfather. It does not mean she does not know about my father. I've shared many stories with her about my dad. So did her fill-in 'grandpa'. The gentleman was my father's first cousin and they (the two gentleman) grew up together. Perhaps your husband needs to quietly discuss things with his children. Kinda one by one he take them out to lunch and just open up to each other. He can't demand things that they are not comfortable with and he can't race things that sometimes just need to take time. An so too, dad needs to realize somethings might never happen. All he can do is expect respect. Both towards himself, towards you and towards your new life together. He also needs to let the adult children know that he is open to discussions with them when/if something arises that they are uncertain of and/or uncomfortable with. I actually suggest some of the attempt at open communication comes just between Dad and the adult children at least to start. I don't think the kids should be put on the spot by having to have a group family meeting (you included in it) where they might say something that would hurt feelings or not feel like they can openly speak ...I think the goal would be to get an understanding between the father and his children, know how each one of them feels, what they are and are not comfortable with. The adult children have to realize that Dad is moving on with his life, there are changes, just like the children need to move on with their life. Life is for the living. While we all have changes in our life and some changes are easier to cope with than others, we can't hold back the blows and hardships life tosses at us and all we can do is work towards making it through the ups and downs as a team aka family. You sound as if you could be a very positive addition to both dad and the adult step children's life. You just have to take it step by step, one day/event at a time and keep the communication lines flowing. First the first time in being a parent to Dad's children, he may have to learn to make father/child decisions on his own. Sure you and he can discuss issues together, he can ask for your advice, but in the end, Dad has to learn how to be a parent to his adult children on his own just as his children must learn to go on through life now without their mother. Your situation does not sound hopeless. It just kinda sounds like you all got thrown in these changes in all your life without a roadmap to help guide you through. Patience, time and a little empathy all around got my sister and I through the unexpected changes we faced. I wish you all the best.

I am probably going to get a boo or hiss but I am not sure why a sane ex-wife couldn't attend her ex-husbands funeral. Remember at one time there was enough love to marry and create a family. I think there may be much more to the Kasem story then we are privy to. I am sure I am not the only one who is on both sides of the wife thing. Now that my children are adults and my ex's SK's are adults finances are really getting diverted. At least with child support my kids were getting some thing. My ex is the main bread winner in his home. She stopped working as soon as she could. My children raised by me are very independent and financially secure. Her children are not. They are now "helping" hers out. I know if my ex dies before her my children will not see a Penny. Do not get me wrong, I expect her to live off their accumulated funds but I suspect my kids will be out of the will and all the money go to her children. I fortunately, do not have any of those issues with my SK. It was not so years ago though. The issue was not with SK but mom not having enough money and backing out of things all the time. I for one love that my SK is an adult and I love the time we spend together. Once a parent though always a parent and there will always be reasons for interaction.