The time to make that arrangement would have been when you gave your son the money for the property. He then would have had to include those details in a pre-nup before marrying his wife. At this time, your best bet is to trust your son and stop being divisive.

My son is no different from the other men i've read about in the previous posts. I have no one else to compare her to, but it seems she is also very similar to what i've read, ignoring his children, ages 19, and 24, when they visit. My 24 yo grandson who is in the military, and visits almost every weekend is very respectful when he does talk to her, but she, not so much. My son is very affectionate toward her three youngesr children, ages 10, 12, and 13.. The other 2 children, now that they're older, don't come to him as often, but know he's there if they need them. She on the other hand, has in the past 'set up obstacles' to keep my son/grandson from spending time together, but not so much the daughter since she lives a disrtance away, and arrangements are necessary for her visits.

I'm going to talk to my attorney to find out what I can do at this point. Hopefully, it ISN'T too late for something to be put in writing, and have them both sign. I guess I could always write up something myself and have it notarized,giving them a copy. If I felt she cared about her 2 stepchildren the way my son feels toward his 5 stepchildren, I would have no qualms about any of this. I find her to be somewhat greedy, and she is aware my som will have a nice little inheriance from me, thanks to his Father's financial choices. It may be only my opinion, but I get the idea she and her children have a sense of entitlement. I feel I need to do something to nip that in the bud since I know my son will not.

Thank you for your opinion.

You can certainly do what you wish. But, I agree with sushipup1. Your son is married to this woman, and she is his wife. I would imagine you only hear things from your two bio-grandsons' perspective. They are 19 and 24, adults. Her young kids are 10, 12 and 13. Of course, more attention is going to be paid to young ones than adults, and unfortunately it is easy to interpret that as I'm being ignored or whatever. I'm sure it continues to be an adjustment for all. However, blood is thicker than water. You were very generous to give your son several thousand dollars to purchase acreage and eventually build a house. Was that a gift or did it come with stipulations?

I've considered the alienation 'theory', but only if his wife isn't aware of my intentions. This is something I don't intend to do behind her back. She will be very much aware of my intent and I will be very interested to hear why she feels her children should be a consideration in inheriting the property. She and her children are entitled to the house, but I do not feel they are entitled to the property it sit's on since it was gifted to their father.

There were no stipulations at the time I gifted them with the property, and I did not think it thru as I should have at time. I should have talked to my attorney first, and drafter a legal document of some sort. I hope this can still be done.

I've helped them out many times, even paying for her first semester of nursing school. I don't ask for 'refunds' on those occasions, but i'm concerned their will be no consideration given to my son's children, and that is very upsetting to me.

I'm rethinking. I have 4 other children who will also be sharing the inheritance. It might be best if a stipulation deducting the amount for the property from my son's portion of the trust., making everything a little more even for the other 4. We had already discussed doing something like that when the cat was let out of the bag, and the other siblings found out about it. This would be one sure way of making sure all were treated fairly.

I'm still left with the issue if there should be a divorce or my son, God forbid, leave this earth before myself. I think I need lelal assistance to get this sorted out. Thanks for letting me vent.

His wife is his legal next of kin, should he die, and it's up to him how he decides, in his own will, how his assets are inherited. You get no say in that whatsoever.

And for goodness sake...10? He will be raising those stepchildren! Much more than she will be raising his adult children.

If you want to follow this line of thinking, just skip your son in your own will and leave his portion to your biological grandchildren. But I agree with others; it's divisive, controlling, and condescending and it will cause problems n your relationship with your son.

This line bothers me: "She will be very much aware of my intent." What is your intent? To stick it to her and show her what a be.atch you think she is? I think this has less to do with the property and more to do with control. Are you upset or angry because you feel she, his wife, controls your son more than you? That is usually the case--the wife has more say with the husband than anyone else, including adult children. This wouldn't even be an issue if not even expected in a bio-situation. However, because his wife or SM is not seen as blood, everyone else in the "family" is trying to one-up her and prove they have more rights and control over dad than she does. Yeah, I see a huge family split on the horizon.

This was a gift to your son. His wife will inherit from him. She ahould not have to buy out her marital residence. How she leaves things will largely depend on her relationship with you and your grandchildren. Let it go and work to improve your relationship with her.

Write it off.

Live in the moment, not in the past, & work on the future.

Although it's galling to know that your generous gift will eventually go to someone who's treated your family members badly, what's done is done, & trying to sort of undo it will indeed alienate your son (which may work really well for a person who wants to isolate him from you).

By the time you depart this earth, this marriage may have run its course.

Trying to make someone see that their partner is a divisive or not-nice person does not work; it makes the person align with & defend their partner.

sort of "us against the world", the world in this case being you.

For your own peace of mind, do see an attorney & get your will in order so that your other children's shares are adjusted by the value of what you already gave this son, but don't broadcast it.

One last thought: don't know where you are, but in Texas, inheritance is not community property.

You might write a letter to be read before the will is read, reminding all your heirs of that fact.

I wish you the best.

I have always treated my DIL with respect,and have even said 'it makes me so happy to see how much you love my son'. I do send Christmas gifts for the five kids~last year I gave them each a check for $100. My son and his wife were given a check for $1000, and this past June, when she graduated as an LPN, I sent her a check for $200, as well as paying for her tuition that year. I'm much more generous with their family than my other children's because I know they don't have the extra money. Oh, and did I forget to mention recently when I went to visit I went to Hobby Lobby and spent $100 to make a flower arrangement for the kitchen table as well as buy silver paint/antiquing glaze to paint over a huge gold frame? And that I stayed up until 3am doing the frame, and finishing it the next day before I left?? And that I went out and bought food for a complete meal for 11 people, with no help or even an offer to help peel the 10 lbs of potatoes, 7 pounds of carrots, and 2 bunches of broccoli? And the only thank yous I received were from my 2 sons, and my grandson? Now for the grand finale, I had a birthday a couple of weeks ago and my son called to wish me a happy birthday, but did did I even get an acknowledgment from DIL? Take a guess!

I might be wrong here, but doesn't one spouse usually speak for the other? I mean, if your son called to wish you a happy birthday, I would have taken that as coming from the both of them. Actually, now it sounds to me like you are feeling left out and would like more of a relationship with her. Could you possibly call her up and go out for a cup of coffee or ? If she is a nurse and a mother to three small children (and even a couple of older ones, it sounds), she has to have a lot on her plate right now. Being in healthcare, I know being a nurse is not even remotely easy. Your family is in the same situation a lot of families are in right now, and to me this isn't even really a step-issue. Everyone is very busy, their plates are heaped full, and older relatives, whether older children or mom/grandma, are feeling left out, and unfortunately, you may have to make a "date" with a member of your own family to spend time with them. Even husbands and wives sometimes have to make a "date" to be with each other. Not the best of priorities, I know, but a lot of families are in that place right now for whatever reason.

1)yes, there was a time I would liked to have a *real* relationshio with her, and not just a *surface* one. I feel she is conniving/controlling/selfish, but my son unfortunately doesn't see it.

2)She 'runs' my son, example:when they decided they wanted a house on the property her idea was a manufactured home, my son wanted a site constructed home. Her thought process was they could have a larger home. She won out, and they have a 3000+ sq ft home, that cost $300k and none 5 bedrooms have closets except the master, no towel bars/tissue holders were installed, 'wood' flooring is pergo, interior painting not included, no diswasher, and maybe other items my son may have forgotten to mention.

I would like to add that I have sent flowers to her on 2 previous Mother's Day's, Cheryl's Cookies for the kids on Christmas and Easter, and for her birthdays, always a check, plus a call or text.

My conclusion:my son is way too good for this woman, and I feel, as do my other kids, that she was behind him asking for the money. He's passive, doesn't like to rock the boat, so will give in to keep her happy. I could go on........

"My son is way too good for this woman"? Wow. Again, this is not a step-issue. There are many mothers out there who feel their DILs are not good enough for their sons. You have what sounds like 'misplaced anger issues'.

Patty, it sounds like you are doing way too much for this family. Why don't you just back off. It hurts to feel used and unappreciated. I would be angry, too. Stop giving them money and buying them things. It will help you to stop feeling like nothing but an ATM.

Kim, I don't take my son calling me as a call from her. In our family, spouses call or text to wish the family siblings, myself included, a happy b day personally. I did get a card from her when I sent them a check for the property, which was quite suprising. She was not raised the way my son was raised, and I sometmes do find her off-putting~having a mother who smoked to the point of 4 stage cancer, and she still smokes as well as DIL, I can't relate to that sort of behavior. My son who is 10 years older could probably end up taking care of her, and she's an LPN! She also allows her 17 yo son to smoke, and he will NOT listen to my son. Two of my DD's have referred to her as a 'hillbilly' and I can't help but agree. "a Rose by any other name is still a Rose~it is what it is. And no, I do not have 'displaced anger issues'(obviously you read my post re:spetdaughter is an a**). I just find it very upsetting as a mother, seeing my son in a situation I wish he would not have gotten himself into. Thank goodness her tubes are tied or she would probably have had anither baby. Of the 5 kids, there are 3 different fathers, and she has told one of the girl's her father was dead because she wanted my son to adopt her. His 2 children were very upset when he did and I feel she thinks there is something to be gained financially by this, as do the other siblings. I could go on but I think you've gotten a good part of the picture!

Southern, It's my son's life i'm trying to make easier, and also want him to feel like I do care for the kids, which is why I do what I do. It 's a vicious circle, and now I wish I wouldn't have gone to such extremes and given him the money for the property~I will have a page added to the trust with the amount given for the property deducted from his portion of the inheritance. As for any other monies being doled out, i've told everyone in very specific words, DON't ASK!

Patty, they are grownups. I would back off as it is obvi making you crazy. There's something in your son that likes this type of mate.

Tfitz, you're right! When I think about it, it does make me a litte crazy. My son and I have a very close relationship, and I certainly don't want to jeopardize that. I'll let sleeping dogs lie, at least for the moment.