We are going through some of this with our daughters, and we are not a step family. I too am struggling with how to help my daughters keep their self esteem/self worth intact, when their "friends" can be so mean. I am a mother. The friendships I had in school were very good for the most part. My friends were fun, kind, lots of laughing, and they were good friends. My daughters friends seem so hot and cold. Best friends, and then without warning, they stab them in the back by saying really mean things,trying to "own" them, and telling them that if they talk to so and so, they will not be their friends anymore, or excluding them from something. Two of these girls (sisters, who are the same ages as my two girls) seem to manipulate and control my daughters by always threatening them that they will with draw their friendship, if my daughters talk to, or want to sit with someone else at lunch. We are good friends with the parents of these girls (and they are really nice, grounded people). But I hate the control their daughters have over ours. Their older daughter is usually mad at someone on any given day, and manipulates other girls with this. The younger one is a born leader, and a born actress (think Eddie Haskell from the Leave it to Beaver show) and can actually cry on cue in front of teachers or parents, to get kids in trouble in the classroom. I think that she can pretty much get any of the kids to do what she wants, and is unbelievably manipulative in the way she does it, that it kind of scares me. I am concerned about the long term effects that this will have on my daughters self esteem. I have tried to encourage them to make other friends, but the next day there they are together again at recess, or lunch. My girls are so afraid of these girls being mad at them, that they take alot of really mean behavior. We need a psychologist/life mentor on this forum to coach us in how to help our children.

Your situation is sort of similar to mine. I didnâÂÂt have a problem if my BF mentioned something about one of my daughterâÂÂs behavior. But if I ever mentioned something about his sonâÂÂs behavior, heâÂÂd get defensive and it would cause an argument. The problem is the two of you have different parenting styles. Your BF is a wimp. He is scared to discipline his children. He does not enforce visitation. It doesnâÂÂt matter if the kids donâÂÂt want to come, he should make them come. BM is violating a court order if she does not allow the kids to visit. Also, you have no problem with your BF discipling your kids, but he has a problem with you correcting his. This is a double standard that is not going to work. You are in a situation where your children see someone their age disrespect their elders and get away with it. It will eat you up inside, not only will you have to put up with a sullen, disrespectful teenager, but you will feel the unfairness towards your own children who do behave. This was one of my concerns with my exBF. I knew it was not fair to my kids to live with someone who was allowed to misbehave while they were punished for the same offenses. I also cannot tolerate bad behavior in children, any child for that matter. And living with a child who constantly back talked and didnâÂÂt mind would be very stressful for me. On top of that, having to keep quiet about all the bad behavior would drive me insane. You are trying to make excuses for your BFâÂÂs poor parenting, but in the end you know he is to blame. He is the one that does not want you to discipline his son. He is the one that allows his son to get away with things. Good parents donâÂÂt worry theyâÂÂre going to push their children away when they discipline them. They arenâÂÂt scared to discipline their children when they need it. There are legal remedies your BF can take if the BM is trying to turn the children against their father or denying visitation, so thatâÂÂs no excuse. Your SS knows he has the upper hand with his father and has no respect for him. On top of that, he sees his dad telling you not to discipline him, giving the child even more power. It sounds like your BF does not agree with your kind of parenting. For my relationship, we both tried to compromise but even when I tried to relax and he tried to be stricter we still couldn't come close enough for the relationship to work. Differences in parenting cause breakups even in intact families. This post was edited by Amber3902 on Tue, Jul 16, 13 at 10:29

I agree with Cat about the marriage situation. I think the adult children problem will work it self out. It maybe that they will never be close to you, does that bother you? If you love the man try to work out a solution. I really think in most cases the 'kiddies' are jealous. Just be sure to discuss it with him in a calm manner and let him know how you feel. Try to keep emotions in check and a trip to a professional does help. It does seem that many adult children are not very 'adult' at all. I met DH when I was 47 and we started a romantic relationship when I was 48. He had transferred from the state where his adult children lived and each year he would pay for 4 to 5 of them to come for a week or two vacation. This cost about $5000! For some strange reason it was always the same oldest daughter that came with her children. I stayed out of it and they were polite. Then he retired and I still worked, they expected the same trips, plus send one of hers to France on a school trip, another two of hers wanted to come each year at Christmas, all at our expense. He had been buying Christmas gifts for each grandchild (12) from a list they provided, plus giving all three of his daughters $300 for gifts and $100 each to shop for themselves. Can you spell guilt lol!!!!! And his 3 girls took advantage of it. I was paying the house payments and other bills and the oldest had the nerve to ask him who was getting the house when he died. I told him we could not afford all of this after he retired and he agreed. That's when they started to get nasty with me, they do not even say hello when I answer the phone and my name is never included on the cards. Of course, it was all my fault. I explained to them we didn't have the same amount of money as before. I guess to punish him they stopped calling, send no cards Christmas, Father's Day, or his birthday. This hurt him deeply and he talked to a counselor. After we had been together for 6 years and a Christmas without hearing from them I called one of his sisters and explained what was going on. I asked her if she thought I was out of line if I called them, she said no, that she thought they were selfish. I wanted until DH went to bed (3 hour time difference, we were later) and I e-mailed one and told her how disappointed I was that as big of a family as he has not one of them could call him on Christmas or the other holidays. I said I would send her the pre stamped cards if that was the problem. I had the phone number for the oldest and I called her. I politely and calmly told her the same thing. She started screaming at me so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear. She said everything was fine until I came along, he was retiring in their state until he met me. They all 3 did send cards the next holiday so it was worth it. They will not come to visit unless we pay for it. It is not that they can't afford it. We moved to a small area and they say there is nothing to do here. Doesn't visit your father count???? When we send gifts we never get a thank you and DH will call to see if they received the gift. The last time I embroidered 4 burp cloths and we mailed the gift. We had been invited to the shower in another state, but no one sent a thank you or even bothered to send a birth announcement. I told him this hurt my feelings and I would no longer make personal gifts for them. If he sends a gift it's up to him. We have discussed the situation and we met with an attorney and had all papers drawn up and the house is in both our names. It finally came to an understanding for him when his oldest called us last year and was telling him she had to put the kids school clothes on credit cards. I did fell a little sorry for her. 3 months later he receives a post card from Italy, she was on a 2 week vacation with her boy friend. His chin fell to the floor, but now he understands his daughter perfectly!!!!! His brothers and sisters treat me very well, but I did let him visit last year alone when his brother was in hospice so he could visit his children without the tension of ME lol!!!!

OMG! I just HAD to post to this one. You sound as if you are telling MY story! I posted my own question a couple weeks ago regarding the same type of man. I can tell you from first hand experience that this guy is not going to change. If anything things will only get worse from this point on. I know that's hard to hear and not what you want to hear. I've been there. I too was wishing for advice or some magic potion to make him 'see' what he was doing. I blamed myself, I hated the way he treated my kids. I let it go on for way to long. I kept hoping and wishing that one day I'd wake up and things would be different. I did finally wake up but looking back I know I should have gotten out a long time ago. Sweetie... for YOUR sake and YOUR KIDS, GET OUT of that situation. Start now preparing to move on with your life. I can tell you that it's only going to get worse. I'm speaking from experience here. I finally did something about my situation. I filed for divorce (yesterday) and he moved out. I can't even express the calm and the peace I feel with him out of the house. My children simply glowed this morning. It's only going to get better for us I just feel it. Granted it's going to be tough financially but hey.. it's worth it to have that man out of our house. Above all else, don't blame yourself. The best thing you can do for your children is show them that no human being has to settle for that type of behavior. It's simply unacceptable. I made up so many excuses over the years for my husbands behavior. Always telling the children just to stay quiet and out of his way when he was home. We were prisoners to his paycheck. So scared that we couldnt make it without him. But I reached the point to where I wasn't scared of that anymore. It scared me more to think about what he was doing to my children's mental well being. I tried everything to get my husband to see what he was doing. He was so deep in denial that he would never admit to being the problem or even having a problem. It was 'all the kids fault' and my fault because he had no interactions with the kids. I'm talking... This man wold walk right past us on his way out of the house or into the house and not even look in our direction. He didn't even acknowledge our existance!! I never understood how he could not even speak. I thought how rude! Well, it's his loss. I hope the silence in his new place is killing him. Meanwhile my house is filled with laughter. It feels like we've come out of a long winter. Even the sunshine is brighter today. If you'd like to email me you may do so at lacey2010@yahoo.com If I can do anything to help you, even if it's just listening please email me. I know first hand how difficult that type of situation can be. I know what it feels like to have your heart torn out day after day wishing,hoping and praying for even the slightest glimpse of hope that something is going to change. The sad truth is... men like these never change. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that you'll email me.