Most women want babies, & at 34, you still have time to have children.

If you or husband are physically unable to have children now, you can adopt.

"He will have to find a balance between consoling me and getting what he wants"

sounds to me like he already has what he wants...
2 separate, compartmentalized "lives"-

One family with whom he spends "family" time, & one girlfriend-type wife with whom he does not have the stress or responsibility of a family.

If husband doesn't want to raise another family, then you have to decide whether to keep up the relationship or end it & either find a partner who wants children or have or adopt them on your own.

Your happiness is important, & your desire for a family of your own is natural.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

I'm totally baffled by the mis-match I'm getting from your tagline and the body of your post.

Your tagline implies that you're happily childless, but that unfortunately, your husband doesn't enjoy that pleasant status. But that since he takes care of his now-adult children on his own time, it's really no problem.

Yet the latter part of your post makes it sound like you're desparately unhappy that you don't have children of your own, and that's why being around his children makes you unbearably sad.

Overall, you sound very confused -- Or maybe it's ME that's confused?

So do you genuinely want children? Or is it more that you want it to be you that your husband has children with? Does your husband want any more children? Or, since he already has some, is he completely unwilling to do it again? Or somewhere in between? Have you two talked about it?

In any case, it's not great for you to be leaving family parties in tears.

If the situation's clearer than it sounds, a clarification post would help. If not, it sounds like counseling would really help.

Sweeby: This is a confusing issue for me also. He is willing to have more children but I am not a good candidate for parenthood. It just hurts that he has children. It is easy to pretend we donÂt have children and then when they show at family gatherings, the reality is shattered.

DH would love to have his wife present and a part of his life interacting with his children, but I havenÂt been able to properly fulfill this role. He is kind enough to let me be without creating conflict by expecting me to be more than I cannot.

sorry, I must have read in something that wasn't intended.

Have you tried to open your heart to your stepchildren and include them in your life with your DH? Could you try small like a BD cake/coffee or take them out for pizza? Your DH sounds very supportive, would he be receptive to this?

There are many different ways you could be "not a good candidate for parenting" -- but also many different ways you could enjoy *part* of the parenting role while minimizing the parts your 'unsuited' for.

For example, if there's genetic bad stuff or an inability to physically bear children you can adopt.
If your grew up in a dysfunctional household, maybe you can mentor kids who are living in them now.
If you're too busy with your career, you can be a part-time active grandparent.

In other words, try to envision the kind of parenting role that *would* work for you --

I guess I dont understand either. His kids are in their twenties? So it's not like he is paying child support or they have to come over for visitations or anything.And you're upset why exactly?
You knew he had kids when you married him,obviously.So pretending he doesnt is really quite delusional dont you think?
I agree with sweeby that you should get some counseling.I also think you should give his kids a chance.You may like them! And no one is asking you to be their parental role model.Just be nice.be a friend.Get that sour puss off your face and get involved.They arent leaving you out...you are leaving yourself out over petty jealousy.

Many thanks to the kind posters who offered suggestions that could help me cope with this situation.

I/We have tried different activities  inviting them over for dinner, engaging them in activities all of which were politely declined or ignored. I sent homemade cookies and bread rolls to them through DH. They follow up with calls asking DH to thank me for my efforts. There is not a whole lot of direct interaction and I am out of ideas and patience. I have tried different counselors over the years. All of them were helpful but I alone cannot change the dynamics.

I do understand from reading this board (which is awesome by the way) that these are children and they may not understand what I am trying to do and that my efforts to be nice has to do with what I am comfortable with (e.g. baking). Someday they may realize I was sincere in my efforts even though I have difficulty in social situations due to my anxieties.

At this time my best behavior is to at least show my face to say hi to everyone and when I feel I am going hysterical I quietly leave. I make no demands that DH leave with me and I encourage him to maintain his contact with children. I ask how the events go when he gets home. I try very hard to be gracious.

I guess no one else has these problems. Gee. No matter. I enjoy contributing to this forum and I look forward to being an active participant.

I'm sorry that this is so painful for you. I have to wonder why you and your husb. felt you should be left out of their lives all of these years and now as adults you are expecting them to accept you. You chose not to "accept" them by not associating with them as children. Maybe they are feeling like your efforts now are a little too little a little too late? That doesn't mean you shouldn't generally try to be friends with them, but you need to see their point of view as well.

I guess I'm just not understanding either.

The efforts were made over the years from the beginning. It was easy to dismiss the slight and keep trying because they did not come to the house or talk with me. DH chose to maintain his relationship by meeting them at their convenience in locations that were comfortable for them. They were teenagers at the time, and so this was a time of awards and school events. It would not be appropriate for me to be present for those achievements.

I would like to be calm during the family gatherings and to remain for the whole event. I cannot make any one accept me, and I certainly never went out of my way to refuse association with them during their high school years.

Quiet one,

It sounds like there is a lot of history here.

"It would not be appropriate for me to be present for those achievements. " -- Any particular reason? Just that the children didnt want you? Are they living with teh mother? Did she resent a young second wife?

I played no role in their accomplishments, and without an established relationship with the children there was no reason for my presence. I came in DH's life when the children were nearly done with high school and it just didn't seem right to show up for no good reason but to be with DH. On a side note, I attended MIL's accomplishments and niece's accomplishments because I have a relationship with them and they invited me.

I honestly feel the children were merely busy (distance was also a factor) and now they're making time for family gatherings. Of course I knew DH had children, but I never dealt with them (and in reality I still haven't). So that's where I am now. I am TRYING to cope.

DH might have done things a little differently to help the transition, but he did the best he could at the time, and I am trying to do the same.

I am not normally high-strung, so it's unnerving to feel this way at family gatherings now.

Maybe I'm just dense, but I'm still not sure what the problem is? It doesn't sound as if you have a bad relationship with his kids, or as if they are mean to you, it sounds like you're just not close because you've never spent much time around them? Or am I getting that wrong?

So what is it exactly that makes you so anxious and sad? Are you sad that husband has this family that is somewhat separate from you and you feel left out? Are you sad that you do not have your own children (for whatever reason), and being around them brings that home?

Also, I do see a bit of a contradiction here.
"The efforts were made over the years from the beginning." and "I certainly never went out of my way to refuse association with them during their high school years."

but also "I do not see much of the children, though DH spent time with them on a weekly basis outside the home." and "It would not be appropriate for me to be present for those achievements."

Why was his time with them "outside the home". Was that what he did before you came into the picture, also, or were the kids suddenly relegated to outside the home visits once dad remarried? It may not seem helpful to criticize what is in the past, but visiting dad only outside the home without stepmom around, stepmom not attending child's events, etc, does not sound to me like a geniune effort was made on your part or your husband's part for you and the children to develop a relationship at the time. It may not seem that way to the kids, either. And since it now seems as if you make a token appearance at any event involving his kids and leave as soon as possible, it probably does not appear to them as if you really want a relationship now. Has your husband explained to them that you have anxiety issues? Or they just see that you apparently can't stand to be around them for more than a short time? Maybe they even think they are being considerate by limiting their contact with you if you are so obviously distressed by being around them?

Or maybe like I said I'm just dense and not understanding the situation.

The way I understand this situation, its that the OP is extremly upset at having to deal with the fact that her husband has children with his ex wife. It appears that she finds it very unsettling to have the visible proof ( the children) of her husbands past marriage, in her life in any way. I dont know if it is jealousy, or resentment, but she certainly seems to be destabilized by any acknowledgement of the fact that she wasnt the mother of his children.

On some level, I am sure everyone in a second marriage has their moments when they wish the past didnt exist, although I am sure the frequency and level of tht feeling varies, depending on the dynamics and personalities involved. Most people dont let it spill over and affect their daily life or their relationship. Have you been checked for depression?

I wonder if part of this is because she isnt that much older than her stepkids. IT seems very weird . I would think some serious counselling is in order, to help understand why this should make you fall to pieces so easily.

I don't quite understand why you can't be around his children. It sounds like there is an age difference since his kids are in their 20's and you are not that much older. His grandchildren are going to be your grandchildren too, (even if it's only by marriage) and you should try to be a part of their lives. I would try to find some common ground with his kids and at the very least, stay at the family gatherings to stand your ground (maybe that's not a good phrase to use) but what I mean is, if you run off every time, they may feel you are being antisocial or they may be pleased you left. Either way, you will never fit in as a part of his life completely until you establish some sort of relationship with his children. They are adults and it may never be a stepmother role but you can be friendly, just as you would to anyone else. Perhaps you could host a gathering and give them an opportunity to get to know you.

The one thing I have heard over and over is that some people have a problem with the fact of the history between the spouse and their ex. WE ALL have a past that didn't include our current relationship. We all have a history and that cannot be changed. If we focus on today and our future, it's easier to enjoy life. If you stay in the past, where you can't change anything, then you are wasting your life. And life is too short already.