Yes Lovehadley, I can totally relate, you describe my feelings exactly!!! If you get flamed than I will too. The only difference is probably that I have talked to FDH about it, and he has told me he also feels a bit out of his element. In our case that has a lot to do with the fact that BM puts incredible pressure on the skids and makes them feel guilty for coming to our place. She also fills their head with a lot of cr*p (see my other posts) and so when the skids get to our place they usually give us hurt or angry looks and you can cut the tension with a knife. Once they get whatever lies BM put in their heads out of their system, we're usually ok. Sometimes this is on the first night, sometimes it lingers longer. They wonder about all the things their BM told them, "is that really true"? And they need to adjust and see for themselves what we are like again, before we ease into some kind of pleasant routine. I don't know if you have similar problems with BM, but I'm sure it's always hard for kids to go from one place to the other. No matter what. As Sweeby said. As for what you can do to make it better; I suppose it helps for me that I have something to do, so for example IÂm cooking by the time they get to our place. Even so, because everybody is tense I know they pick up that it affects me too. We sometimes talk about it, but that is usually when the girls tell us what BM has accused us of this time. So in our case itÂs actually necessary to clear the air sometimes before we can all settle in, if thatÂs not the case at your home than I donÂt know if that would be any help in your situation. .I really donÂt think thereÂs that much that you can do about it otherwise; except not beat yourself up over it. ItÂs not abnormal and you are doing the right thing, so good for you!! >>>

I'm so sorry for all of your recent losses. Truly, the timing for your SC's arrival was horrible, and I wish their father would have put his foot down and simply said "No - This is not the right time." But that's old news... Sadly, it's not unusual for Bio parents to undermine their 'replacement' steps... And that's unlikely to change unless somehow, the BioMom can be made to realize that having two good mothers is SOOOOO much better for her children than having one "good" one (her, of course!) and one that they dislike and disrespect. But that can be a difficult understanding to reach, and it would be virtually impossible for you to help her reach it. Any chance your husband could help? Or your MIL? The book 'Divorce Poison' is a wonderful resource you should definitely look into. It's all about handling Ex's who undermine you in destructive and damaging ways. About how to 'take the high road' without 'lying down' and silently taking the abuse. For example, you know BioMom's mad about failed marriage #2, so in a way, her blaming you for failed marriage #1 makes sense. It's not fair or accurate, but I'm sure you can understand her feelings. Well guess what -- so can the SC. All you have to do is explain it to them kindly, truthfully and respectfully. Everyone says hurtful things they don't mean sometimes -- it's not unforgivable. Let them know that their mother is hurting, and that's why some of the things she's saying aren't true. That everyone makes mistakes and that our goal is to forgive them. (Bring God into it if that's relevent for you and for them.) I can understand your pain at how SD trashed all of the lovely things you bought her. But try not to let that hurt you. Instead, simply let her live with the trashed stuff, and know that she is the one sleeping under that stiff comforter and having to wear those bleached-out clothes to school. If she asks for more stuff, the most natural answer in the world is that you won't be buying any more nice stuff until she has demonstrated she is responsible enough to take care of it. You're probably right that they will be back. And your sense that its not right for the kids to ping-pong back and forth according to whoever offers the best deal of the moment is right on target. But when they do indicate that they want to come back, I'd insist on some ground rules. Chores for everyone, respectful treatment, allowances, responsabilities -- you know what to do. Let them see the expectations and buy into them before they move back. FWIW, you sound like a wonderful person and a really good parent, and I'm betting this is something you can and will work through. 15 years from now, those SCs will be so glad you're in their lives. May it happen much sooner --

I mentioned last May that both SD25 and SD24 raged at us, mainly their Dad, for neglecting them, and leaving them out and not spending time with them. DH and I both are very sensitive people, and took this very hard coming from them. It caused to to reflect and examine our behavior to them, and did we really do what we are being accused of? We felt that we were unjustly accused. So, to be objective, and look at facts, I made a journal starting the month in September 2005 when I met their Dad. I logged into the journal every time that we had contact with them. I included times that we actually visited them, where the visit was, what we did, and who picked up the tab. I also included all of the times that we invited them, but they turned us down. Mind you that we wouldn't just say, can you come Friday night at 6pm. We'd say something more like, "We have off of work for the next 3 days, would you like to get together sometime in the next three days?" We tried to be extremely accomodating with our schedule, because we placed a high importance on spending time with them. DH never said, as one of the posts said that he told his girls that, "Sorry I don't have time for you". He bent over backwards to try to do things with them, and make them feel comfortable with the new marriage. My journal showed an average of every 2 weeks or twice a month that we actually spent time with SD24. With SD25 it was about 1 time a month, but she was attending college out of our area, so it is natural to see her less. When my son went to college his freshman year, I said Good Bye in August, and didn't see him til Christmas. He never accused me of neglecting him. He knew I was sacrificing in order to help pay his tuition, and he was pretty glad to get home at Christmas. After Christmas break, we saw him at Easter, then not til college dismissed in June. I have no regrets, and DS23 doesn't feel neglected. Also it was a HUGE change for DS23 because I filed for divorce from his father, after 25 years, right before Christmas. He went to school in the fall with a whole family, and came home to a mess on Christmas break. Never accused me of neglecting him! And a huge stress on his shoulders. With SS29 we see him about 5 times a year since he lives 1200 miles away, they come home quite often. But SS29 never complains about being neglected. SS29 is always polite and respectful, just clueless about social graces. SD24 would sometimes say to us that her DH didn't want to always have to do the driving to come over and spend time with us. They live an hour away from us. So, my DH said to her, "What do you want us to do? Do you want us to just invite ourselves to your house? You're newly weds, should we just pop in without an invitation? We've never been invited to your place." Her answer was that we were welcome any time. So again, DH said, "should we just show up on your doorstep at mealtime?" An hour is a long way to drive when you don't know if anyone is going to be home or not. We clearly don't feel comfortable barging in on our young adult children without an invitation. Yet an invitation almost never came. SD24 invited her Dad over and made him a delicious birthday dinner 18 months ago. That was the last invitation from her to do anything with her. Like I said, my journal showed either we visited or made invitations that were turned down on average of every 2 weeks for the past 3 years! The invites were sometime as a couple, and sometimes just Dad. It depended on our schedules. Sometime I'd be working, and he'd make plans with his kids while I was at work, etc. Same thing with phone calls, they hardly ever call just to visit with him to see how he's doing, or to see if he would like to get together with them. He does almost 100% of the contacting. They usually contact him when they need something from him, or when there is some benefit in it for them, or obligatory times like his birthday, etc. I made a pact with myself in September 2008 that I was going to stop trying so hard to gain their approval, stop contacting them altogether. I have been and will continue to be polite to them, try as hard as I know how to make them feel comfortable and welcome in our home, and I will answer any communication that they direct my way. I will NOT initiate any communication from me to them. The ball is in their court now. None of my 3 SK have contacted me since September, except my SS29'sW who emailed to see when I was sending out the Easter outfits for the SGKs. They have been told by their father, that they are welcome here anytime, they don't even need to call ahead. He said it would be better if they'd phone ahead, but they are always welcome. We think that kids should always have a standing invitation at their parents house. My DH actually cries sometimes. He is very sensitive. He feels that his daughters have neglected him! He has confronted them about this, and they say that things will change. And they do for about 2 weeks. Then they drop out of circulation until he hunts them down again. DH feels that he should do his part as a responsible parent, and try to build the relationship. If they don't do their part that is their decision, but he has the confidence of knowing that he has tried to spend time with them.

It's so funny how I KNOW everything you're saying but how different it sounds coming from someone else and not myself. And you are 100% correct that she tricked him into it. BOTH times. 1st was for marriage, the second was the first talk of divorce. I know how important it is for him to plan our "trying." I've been on pre-natals since November but we've pushed it back from this past Feb. to this coming Sept. I am willing to compromise to whatever his needs (reasonably) so that he is 100% ready for it to happen if/when it does. And he's voiced how excited he is to try for a girl - he's an amazing dad and I know she'd be a total "daddy's girl" which worries him that I want my own baby so bad and she'd be more about him than me *LOL* :) I know part of my issues are jealousy and part are this insecure part of me that doesn't like to be new at something. I'm the youngest and vividly recall feeling stupid for not knowing information or how to do something that the older kids could. I hear people talk about the life changing "wow we have a baby; what now?" affect. My friend was talking about how she and her husband were married 5 years before having their oldest. She said they wanted it, tried for it, but still came home from the hospital, put him in his bouncy chair and just looked at each other like, "now what?" It really bothers me that he will never have that "let's figure this out together" thing with me. He already knows what to do with a baby. It's even more upsetting as a woman that my husband could answer my pg/baby questions. It's actually nauseating to me. The other part is that I can't even confide in the one woman I never felt stupid "not knowing" around - my mom - because she passed away 6 years ago this June. I'm close with my MIL, she's a lovely lady, I just miss what I had with my mom. I think that's why I want a girl so badly. My sister and I are very different people but she understands me and also had her 1st after the death of our mom. I know she will be there for me (and she's had two girls and is a SM of a 15-year-old boy.) It's nice to have supports (you all included!) Jessegirl, I actually had such a difficulty adjusting to my whole situation (5000 mi. away from anyone I know, stay-at-home mom from previous working woman, dealing with the emotions of "step-mom" "second wife") and wondered if I really want to "start over" since they will both be in school next year. But then that thought angers me; That I'm burnt out on being a mom and I've never felt a baby kick. I already gave up on the possibility of multiple kids of my own but really feel that I NEED a baby of my own. I think I deserve that. Fortunately, so does my DH. And it will be amazing to create life from love instead of manipulation. I just wish I could OWN what you all have said. I know I'm the mom here and I know I'm the one the boys will think back to and I know I've been put here for a reason and that those boys need me. And I need them...it's just so strange the way the head and heart have this strange disconnect feature between them, y'know? MIL is a twin and sometimes I hope to have twins myself because I KNOW that will be different for him! How juvenile is that?!?!?! Well...Thanks for listening guys... The in-laws arrived safely and I must return downstairs. The puter' is in our room, which is theirs for the next two weeks so my apologies in advance for not being around much! J