I mentioned last May that both SD25 and SD24 raged at us, mainly their Dad, for neglecting them, and leaving them out and not spending time with them. DH and I both are very sensitive people, and took this very hard coming from them. It caused to to reflect and examine our behavior to them, and did we really do what we are being accused of? We felt that we were unjustly accused. So, to be objective, and look at facts, I made a journal starting the month in September 2005 when I met their Dad. I logged into the journal every time that we had contact with them. I included times that we actually visited them, where the visit was, what we did, and who picked up the tab. I also included all of the times that we invited them, but they turned us down. Mind you that we wouldn't just say, can you come Friday night at 6pm. We'd say something more like, "We have off of work for the next 3 days, would you like to get together sometime in the next three days?" We tried to be extremely accomodating with our schedule, because we placed a high importance on spending time with them. DH never said, as one of the posts said that he told his girls that, "Sorry I don't have time for you". He bent over backwards to try to do things with them, and make them feel comfortable with the new marriage. My journal showed an average of every 2 weeks or twice a month that we actually spent time with SD24. With SD25 it was about 1 time a month, but she was attending college out of our area, so it is natural to see her less. When my son went to college his freshman year, I said Good Bye in August, and didn't see him til Christmas. He never accused me of neglecting him. He knew I was sacrificing in order to help pay his tuition, and he was pretty glad to get home at Christmas. After Christmas break, we saw him at Easter, then not til college dismissed in June. I have no regrets, and DS23 doesn't feel neglected. Also it was a HUGE change for DS23 because I filed for divorce from his father, after 25 years, right before Christmas. He went to school in the fall with a whole family, and came home to a mess on Christmas break. Never accused me of neglecting him! And a huge stress on his shoulders. With SS29 we see him about 5 times a year since he lives 1200 miles away, they come home quite often. But SS29 never complains about being neglected. SS29 is always polite and respectful, just clueless about social graces. SD24 would sometimes say to us that her DH didn't want to always have to do the driving to come over and spend time with us. They live an hour away from us. So, my DH said to her, "What do you want us to do? Do you want us to just invite ourselves to your house? You're newly weds, should we just pop in without an invitation? We've never been invited to your place." Her answer was that we were welcome any time. So again, DH said, "should we just show up on your doorstep at mealtime?" An hour is a long way to drive when you don't know if anyone is going to be home or not. We clearly don't feel comfortable barging in on our young adult children without an invitation. Yet an invitation almost never came. SD24 invited her Dad over and made him a delicious birthday dinner 18 months ago. That was the last invitation from her to do anything with her. Like I said, my journal showed either we visited or made invitations that were turned down on average of every 2 weeks for the past 3 years! The invites were sometime as a couple, and sometimes just Dad. It depended on our schedules. Sometime I'd be working, and he'd make plans with his kids while I was at work, etc. Same thing with phone calls, they hardly ever call just to visit with him to see how he's doing, or to see if he would like to get together with them. He does almost 100% of the contacting. They usually contact him when they need something from him, or when there is some benefit in it for them, or obligatory times like his birthday, etc. I made a pact with myself in September 2008 that I was going to stop trying so hard to gain their approval, stop contacting them altogether. I have been and will continue to be polite to them, try as hard as I know how to make them feel comfortable and welcome in our home, and I will answer any communication that they direct my way. I will NOT initiate any communication from me to them. The ball is in their court now. None of my 3 SK have contacted me since September, except my SS29'sW who emailed to see when I was sending out the Easter outfits for the SGKs. They have been told by their father, that they are welcome here anytime, they don't even need to call ahead. He said it would be better if they'd phone ahead, but they are always welcome. We think that kids should always have a standing invitation at their parents house. My DH actually cries sometimes. He is very sensitive. He feels that his daughters have neglected him! He has confronted them about this, and they say that things will change. And they do for about 2 weeks. Then they drop out of circulation until he hunts them down again. DH feels that he should do his part as a responsible parent, and try to build the relationship. If they don't do their part that is their decision, but he has the confidence of knowing that he has tried to spend time with them.

This may or may not be applicable. Dunno. My wife has a BM that has a, shall we say, hit-and-miss relationship with reality. Not dangerous per se, but she tends to be very selective about her memories, and is only occaisionally reliable in crises -- unless you count being unreliable as a strange form of reliability. My wife is 30 years old. She's known her mom for...well, 30 years. However, she gets suckered into trusting her mom on a semi-regular basis during critical situations, and nearly every time, she's burned all over again. Why? I think that my wife has confused the job description -- "Mommy" -- with the real person, let's call her "Ms. X". "Mommy" is supposed to be able to do the occaisional favor for her grandchildren -- say, be able to pick them up from a bus station on time. "Ms. X" on the other hand, runs out of gas on the freeway after misplacing luggage in the station. (I'm making this up, but you get the drift.) People shouldn't be forced into having to "handle" their parents. However, this is the situation your SS is in. Life has given him a BM that needs to be treated like a bank -- "it sure would be nice if my check was processed in the next 3 days, but I need to plan like they're not only going to take a week and a half, but also like they're going to lose it at least once in the process." He needs to be able to separate his expectations of the job description from the expectations he should have for his specific real mom. And he needs to learn the hard lesson that if people act the way we expect them to act, then any problems we have with that are our own lookout (to the extent that he as a 10 year old has control over his own actions, and his contact with his mom). All of the above are ways to help him understand his situation, and to protect himself from inflicting further probs on himself through selective memory or "maybe this time" kinds of thinking -- I really don't have any useful advice about "how to make him happy". Maybe he *needs* to be unhappy with it, in order to avoid repeating these behaviors with his own family sometime down the line. Maybe he should draw up a real description of the duties of the job "Mommy", and see if he'd hire his BM for that job. If not, see if someone is already doing the job. (Like, say, you.) If there's any lack, maybe you could offer to subcontract. Or see if there's any other available subcontractors.... I'm being facetious, but only a little. Your SS *knows* he can't trust his mom. He should be angry over it, but realize that life sometimes stinks. He needs to figure out how far she has allowed herself to be loved, love her just that much if he cares to, and no more -- or if more, to realize and accept the consequences he's buying in to. And he needs to realize that 'momhood' does not reside only with her. It can also reside with you, or with other folks in his life.

Firstly, about that episode where your bio father suggested sex: you had no way to know to anticipate it, & you had no way to control or stop it. Although it *is* obnoxious, offensive, & disgusting to you & to me, it sometimes happens when bio family members meet for the first time as adults, so much so that counsellors now warn adult children who are meeting their birth parent(s) for the first time to be prepared. & your bio father's family troubles belong to him & to them, not to you. If anything, it sounds like your father brought you into the family to be used as leverage. Dispicable, but the responsibility & the shame belong to your bio father & not to you. Cut yourself free from that particular chain & don't look back. Today is what matters, & you & your children are living under unbearable stress, in a hostile environment, & you're all paying a terrible price. "He thinks I'm evil" is *not* the description of someone you can afford to turn your back on, let alone trust, let alone spend your life with. (note: He doesn't think you're "evil"; he knows that saying that will shatter you, & that's why he does it.) He's been lying to you & manipulating you since before you were married, his family sounds like a co-dependent, disfunctional mess, & sending copies of the facebook pages to all of them sounds like that you've been caught in the same web, going to everybody else for vindication or action instead of dealing with the one person who's actually accountable. If your husband doesn't have any consequences for continuing to behave as he always has behaved, *nothing will change*. He's entirely comfortable, even happy, with his life, he doesn't care that you're unhappy, & he controls you by striking at your most vulnerable points; why would he change anything? It's like raising a child; if you say, "do that one more time & you're losing computer priveleges for a week", & the child does it again, you *have* to take away computer priveleges for a week, or you're just teaching the child that (s)he doesn't have to pay attention to anything you say/threaten, that you're powerless, that (s)he can do *anything* & the worst that will happen is that you'll yell. If you tell your husband that he has to treat you with the respect to which anyone is entitled or you & the children are leaving, & then he says something obnoxious or betrays you by talking to his family about you or does any single obnoxious thing, you *have* to take those kids & leave. (In fact, at this point, I think you have to take the kids & leave anyway; your life & their lives are being corroded every day that you spend in the environment controlled by your husband & his family.) Although it isn't your fault, although you've been manipulated to think you "can't" do anything because you somehow bear the responsibility for his behavior, so far, you've been like the parent who threatens but does not act. Even if your husband never hits you, he's abusing you: A person who controls another person by manipulation, who calls her "evil", who blames her for his own behavior...is an abuser. Get some professional legal help, get some psychological help (abusers *never* go to counselling; they don't want any interference), investigate what kind of help is available for abused wives, & get your kids & get out of there. I wish you the very best.

It is your house honey. Either he and his brats follow your rules or they need to get out and go to grandmas. That x box you keep talking about would be gone. If dad's not there they don't need to be at your house and if he and their mother can't get it together and raise their children properly tell him that they are NOT welcome there at all. Because it is clear they are not. There is no reason to keep tolerating this enormous intrusion. It is not good for any of the parties involved. Those children know you don't like them. If grandma is so in love with them she can deal with them. On that note. ..this is partly your doing. You left your husband for a loser. A loser with the worst kind of baggage. ..brats. He will always put his kids before you as he should. I don't know the state of your marriage so I wont speculate on your reasons. However you knew of this baggage before you got yourself into this mess and you got it in anyway. And having children yourself, you clearly know where babies come from and now have allowed yourself to get pregnant by a loser mama's boy. Now you're kinda stuck. You are having his brats half sibling. You are stuck dealing with him for the foreseeable future. I feel for you. My suggestion: lose the loser. Move on. Take it from me...this will NOT change. I know it's hard to do this. It is only going to be harder now that you are having his child. But it's time to pull up the big girl panties and do what's best for you and YOUR children. YOU can't stand them YOUR KIDS can't stand them. THEY know it and probably feel the same. Trust me, after a while you will kick yourself for putting with it for as long as you did. Good luck.