If you're not invited you don't have to send anything. But, it is nice of you to take this opportunity to start the mending process. Yes, Money (check) is fine to send (in a nice card with a personal note).Give what you are comfortable with, I would not give over $100.00 in this situation.

I would not send cash or a check. I would send a nice card with a personal note remembering the little girl you knew and wishing her happiness in her marriage. That's ALL.

I'd send her a REALLY nice wedding card congratulating her and a small well placed gift. You want to "stand out in a crowd" so get creative.

*such as.....send her a family heirloom....grandmas solid gold necklace to wear as something old....don't have one....anything old is cool and go buy something. Showing how caring you are is the route I'd take....ie...grandmas gold necklace, maybe an antique beaded hand bag will get you the fence mending you seek.....so that's what I'd end up doing.

Giving money....weeeeeell I think you'd have to give quite a LOT to impress anyone now adays, especialy a 34 year old that's working with money of her own. She might like it if you gave her an open account at a florist to provide ALL the flowers for her wedding.....

I like the idea of a nicely written card. Do you have a copy of her grandparents when they were young or their wedding photo you could frame and send her?

I think cash is always a welcome gift, but it seems awkward in your situation. I agree with Nicole that sending some sort of family memorabilia, even if it's just photographs of the girl's grandparents or great-grandparents, accompanied by a heartfelt card, seems more appropriate.

Adellabedella...we were thinking alike, but you type faster...lol.

I removed my suggestion about a family heirloom. I'm afraid to put anything out there that could become ammunition in this estranged situation. It's one of the reasons I nixed money. A sweet card and handwritten with for the bride's happiness is going to be hard to attack and has a chance to be appreciated.

I agree with a card. I received a few from family members I wasn't able to invite to our wedding last year and I really appreciated the gesture.

I'm confused.....so anyone living far away is just supposed to hear about the wedding through the grapevine? And be expected to send a gift? Or are they simply not inviting YOU, or not inviting anyone out of town.? You're either invited (and they spring for the 50 cents to send the invitation) or you're not.

If you are formally invited then send a card with $ in the amount you are comfortable with or send something from their registry. If you do not receive an invitation, but want to do something then I think just a card is fine. If you want to include pictures or a true family heirloom, that's OK too.

You've been excluded, right? Why would you send a gift? I agree that sending a lovely card with a nice sentiment about remembering what a wonderful child she was (if so) is very nice and you can hold your head high.

Thanks everyone for the great replies. I really like the idea of making a card with my grandparents or parents wedding picture on it. That would be her great grandparents and grandparents.

Like I said it is another story, a long one, that would require a post all its own. So far I have heard that I am the only one not to receive an invitation. They live in the Midwest and I am on the West Coast, though they have invited siblings on the East Coast. One of the reasons I wouldn't be able to attend, besides the distance and cost, is I have medical issues that make it difficult to travel. My brother knows that and maybe he is just trying to be considerate and not put me on the spot.

When I got married 38 years ago, back in the Dark Ages, you just sent out invitations to everyone in the family whether they could attend or not. I didn't purposely leave anyone out. Maybe things have changed in regards to wedding etiquette.

She's not the one who caused the rift in the family relationship, she's
just dealing with the reality of it. Your non-invitation is because of
the rift and presumably issues between you and her parents, not because of her.

I think a card with a family picture on it would be catty. It's like - "remember, we're part of the same family. Except you're having a wedding and I wasn't invited". Bad idea.

If you want to build bridges, send $100 or whatever you can afford as a token gesture that sends the RIGHT message. That shows you went out of the way to do something.

I think sending a card without any effort of including a gift is tacky in any event, especially among family members.

Something to consider about not being invited - it's sometimes not personal. I can't comment on this situation but it does seem weird to be the only one not invited.

I had to go through this recently at my wedding last year and it was very hard. I have a lot of family - 10 cousins who are all marrying and having babies and it's just exploding exponentially. We just didn't have the budget to invite everyone, and I didn't feel it was right to invite some extended family and not others. So we kept it to immediate family and very close personal friends. I still feel guilty about this, but it's not always personal. Weddings are very expensive. Our nice but modest (ceremony in a public park, dinner in a restaurant) wedding for 20 guests was over $20,000. If we had doubled or tripled the guest list, there's no way we could have done that.

It's useless to worry too much about why you didn't get a formal invitation. It could run the gamut from them worrying you'd feel obliged to they ran out of invitations and since they knew you wouldn't be able to travel they stuck you with not receiving one.

It's true that you're not obligated to send more than a letter or card with felicitations, but since you want to mend relationships, that would be petty. The family photo idea is great. Put it in a nice frame and wrap it prettily and it's a lovely gift. So is the family heirloom. It doesn't have to be of great value. Maybe it's grandma's mixing bowl. Write a few words of memory to go with it, and include a family recipe and $10 for ingredients.

Another choice which no one has mentioned is the "crystal gift certificate". You go to a nice department store (in person or online) that has a branch where the bride and groom will be living, and choose a very pretty occasional piece in your price range and have it sent, with a gift return receipt. In this case, the nice wrapping and packaging is as important as the gift. It could be a vase or a candy bowl, or anything like that. Better not anything weird or too specific in taste. Simple. If the bridal couple need/want towels or don't like/need/have a place to store the item, they can exchange it. They usually don't, however.

Money is an acceptable gift for rites of passage, but doing something that shows some feeling for the niece is even better.

yikes! you've had some great advice and i'm sure you'll decide on at least a card...however I really can't say if a 34 yo really needs a check in any amount...why not in your greetings ask them to stop by and visit if they're ever in the area...that's reaching out...

I hate all the family drama...no one will ever admit to anything...and I can almost hear,,"well she sent a check to you, but that doesn't change a darn thing" sigh.....

I know for sure I have read posts on here when people were invited to distant weddings when they had not seen or heard from the relative in many, many years AND had health issues (which others knew) and couldn't travel. In those cases, people called it "just a money grab" and told the person to either ignore it of "send a nice card" instead of a gift. Is this the same people who are now complaining that she is getting an invitation? So do people prefer she DOES get an imvitation knowing she is too far and unable to attend and it is a momey grab, or is it that they never even invited her to the wedding so it's just a money grab? I'm confused.

I am always amazed at the wide variety of responses seen on these kinds of posts and how many different opinions there are. Obviously, you have a lot of options and need to do what is right for you in your particular situation. I have a similar circumstance and for years was left out of many events as you have been here. There is no getting around it, it's hurtful. I would much prefer to receive a call that says, we understand that you may not be available and that's ok, but can you???? When I've received a call, I try to make it or I send a gift when I can't. When I haven't been invited and everyone else has, I do nothing and act as if I have no clue.

I agree with Snidely. He beat me to it. Your niece didn't cause the rift and shouldn't be punished because of it. Really, this is more about you than the bride and the bride's family. What is going to make you feel better? For me, a nice gift with a nice card rather than money or just a card.

I'd send a small gift and a card.

I would love to know how one can spend $20,000 on a wedding for 20 guests. And why.

Kitasei, it's actually rather easy. Before planning my wedding, I thought people who spent so much were crazy. But then I priced it and found out to have a nice wedding, it's very expensive in my area. Photography alone was over $3,000. Add in the videographer, my dress, hair and makeup, brunch, the dinner reception, rehearsal dinner, decorations, flowers, my day of coordinator, the harpist, the licensing and insurance to have the park ceremony, renting chairs, etc. Adds up really fast.

As to why, I wanted a nice wedding, with excellent photos and videos that I could look back on forever. My guests all flew in at their own expense and I wanted them to have a great time. I don't get to see them very often. It was one of the best days of my life.

chi83 - just out of curiosity and perhaps as a help to the OP, did your cousins or other relatives that weren't invited send you anything - a card? I know you're feeling guilty and I'm sorry about that.

OP - if you do decide to get something how about a gift certificate/gift card for her registry. If it were me I would send nothing more than a card. Someone noted that she is the one not sending the invitation = that may not be so.

blfenton - A couple of people who weren't invited sent cards, and some also included checks. Mostly my aunts and uncles.

It's kind of a strange thing. I wanted to invite everyone so they felt valued, and I figured most people wouldn't come anyway (opposite coasts) so it probably wouldn't ruin our budget to invite everyone. But then I thought it might come off as gift grabby, and I didn't want them to feel obligated to send a gift because they received an invitation.

Money trumps everything, even gift cards, as you can use it anywhere and for anything. Of course some people will mentally be able to spend more on a gift than if they just gave money. It is like they feel like they are giving money to a druggie or something, "They will use the money for the wrong thing!" *cough* yea ok