Personally, I know it would be a cold day in hell before I GAVE the ingrate a dime to pay off her lingerie bill. $1000 sounds like a lot to most kids, but it really isn't if you are working and don't have any "real" bills. I also don't agree with open ended loans to irresponsible people.

Is that $1000 due immediately? If not, I would look into a free credit counseling for her. The largest and oldest non-profit is www.ftcc.org. With an income and no expenses, they could easily set up a budget for her to repay her debts in plenty of time. If the debt needs to be paid off immediately and you know your husband is going to want to loan her the money, maybe you can make this a condition of the loan. Automatically deposit her paycheck into a joint account and automatically transfer whatever set amount is agreed upon to your own account. Don't count on her to cut you a check every week/month or else you will undoubtedly discover that she comes up short after the first payment.

The general goal is to get her out of the house and into the military where hopefully she will straighten up. In the meantime, you shoud try to protect her from making mistakes that will have consequences even after she straightens up. This junk she is doing now is going to follow her for 5 years after she leaves the military - no matter how responsible she becomes. Most apartments are running credit checks on people now. Forget about a house, she might not be able to get ANY kind of place.

Here is a link that might be useful: nfcc

The only problem with NOT loaning her the money (and I use the word loan loosely, because I know you'll never see it again) is that if she doesn't pay off her debts she can't join the Air Force and will still be there leeching off of you.

Think about it... you refuse the money to her. Then what? Her BM won't loan it to her, she'll be in your house leeching off of you forever and that'll cost you a bit more than $1000.

If you want to get her out of your house, it may cost you about $1000. Maybe the AF will teach her a thing or two about responsibility and she'll pay you back... (She sounds like a better candidate for the Marine Corps than the AF...)
P

Oh MIStepmom -- just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, huh? ... The stepkid that keeps on giving ... er, taking!

I may sound like a cruel and heartless B**TCH, but I'd have to tell her too bad. I'd also have to tell her that I wasn't going to bail her out any more ... Victoria's Secret? I DON'T THINK SO! Gimme a break!

I'm sure your husband would disagree, but this girl should be out on her own learning lessons about the real world. If she can't make it into the military just now, well ... she should work a bit longer to pay those debts and then enlist.

But of course you know that none of this will happen. You know that your husband will want to help her ... again! And he will. So, here's the way I see it. You can view the whole thing like Pashan said ... this *should* be the last time. She will be in the military with a roof over her head and three squares a day .. and she'll have LOTS of discipline, something she's lacking right now. And she'll be out of your hair and starting a life of her own. Finally.

I'm sure you feel so much resentment over how your husband babies his little princess. I would too! Oh how mad I'd be! But will you let this last incident destroy what you've built? Or will you view it as just one more blip on the map leading to her departure? And smile smugly, knowing that the military won't put up with her antics or treat her like a princess? That she'll be forced to grow up and take responsibility for herself? I think that her Dad will realize the error of his ways once she does start displaying real adult tendencies. It will be like a slap on the forehead "Wow, I coulda had a V8". But he will get there -- eventually -- and he will apologize to you.

Well, I dropped the "NO WAY IN HE**" bomb last Friday. Of course, DH asked me why I wanted to keep SD from leaving in February. The guilt trip came when he said "You want her out of the house, but you are going to keep her from leaving". I calmly threw the tablet that I had written all the reasons why along with the bills we had on our plate. I then explained that I was not the one holding her back that she was holding herself back. I told him that she needed to go to her mother for the money and then her mother would force her to get another job to repay the money. Her mother would call her constantly to ask where her money was, so maybe this was the only motivator that we had. I then told him that if bio couldn't come up with all of it that I would be willing to give her the money we would spend on her birthday (which were going to spend on new brakes for her car, but found out that it didn't need new brakes) and what we would spend on Christmas and she could use that toward paying off the bills. But that I was not going to give her money to reward her for her laziness!!! I then told him that I was tired of hearing about what a terrible person I supposedly was and gave him another list. This time with all the large purchases that I either made for the skids or that I proposed we make for them and how each one had backfired on us. SS Example: buying SS a car while he was in high school with the stipulation that he go to school and get the best grades he was capable of - 6 weeks later we found out that he rarely went to school and was failing everything, got SS a cell phone - only to have to pay a $300 bill the first month, co-signed on a lease truck for SS - only to have him get fired from his job and we were stuck with the remaining 18 months of payments. SD Example: bought her a cell phone - $300.00 bill in 1 month, 2 accidents with the truck - cost us $1300.00 + insurance and gas for 2 years. Not to mention the 2 trips to Florida we paid for to send her to the National Cheerleading Competition, Varsity Jacket that she always just threw on the floor and then demanded that we have it dry cleaned because it was dirty, 2 class rings, etc, etc. So if this is being a bit** is all about, than I am guilty as charged. All I every asked for in return was simple respect and consideration.

DH agreed in theory that Bio needed to step up and act like a parent, but said she would probably say NO. I told him too bad, she doesn't have the right to say no and push it off on us. We are after all on the hook for her current car. So DH agreed that SD had to go to Bio for the money. SD called Bio and is still waiting for an answer as far as I know.

Things calmed down at the house and the rest of the weekend was actually pleasant, busy but pleasant.

I am trying not to let all these things destroy my marriage, but once in a while I would sure like to hear that my efforts are appreciated. February will begin the healing time and I am going to put alot of effort into trying to repair the damage. I just hope that DH will recognize how much better the house is without all the stress of SD and her antics.

Thank you for your support and suggestions.

Sounds like you did a great job presenting all of the evidence. I am hoping she gets the money and does get to join the AF in February. Please let us know. Congratualtions, you handled this very well...
P

Mistepmom. I can only say I feel for you and wish we could sit down for a cup of coffee. Your situations are so like mine and I get so angry! My soon to be step son was handed a new car two years ago upon graduation. Dad said he would pay insurance for 6 months. The car was my idea but at six months the son made no moves to insure the car himself. Finally I was so steamed that after 18 Months I called the son and told him that he should get insurance by the following month as we would be discontinuing it. About one week before then he had an accident where there was a couple thousand dollars in damage to the car-his fault. He was still on dads insurance that was liability only. He has the balls to call his dad to ask for the money to fix the car. If he had insured himself as he was supposed to ONE YEAR AGO he could have had any kind of insurance he wanted to buy for himself. Anyway we said no to paying for the damage. This is a kid with a degree in astrophysics for Case Western Reserve working for min wage at a camera shop. He is no dummy but lazy lazy. Anyway, Feeling guilty we gave him the equivalant money for a wedding present that same month. We did not designate what the money was for but they had already asked for an expensive matress set with a bed frame. This wedding was four months ago and they still have not acknowledged the gift, nor us paying for his rehersal dinner nor any of the othere work we put into the wedding.
Through the grapevine we have heard he is angry with us for not paying for the car repairs!
I feel for you!!!

Any update, mistepmom? I have a couple questions. Why do we keep referring to this person as a girl if she is old enough to join the Air Force? I think a real problem is that she sees herself as a GIRL and not as a WOMAN. I would start referring to her only as a WOMAN. It might be interesting. Stick to your guns, these stepadults of yours sound like absolutely spoiled brats.

I agree w/ Pashan 100%

Getting away from the parents (especially if there is any conflict/anger) and out living on her own (at college, with the services, etc) may be a great experience to help her grow.

Perhaps your relationship will improve after she gets through her young and troubled years.

I have had money problems with step children and my own children for 30 years. I recently caught my husband of 30 years loaning money to his daughter without telling me. After warning him several times I put all of our savings in my name with him as beneficiary so if I die first it will revert to him. I would definetly pay off the $1,000 loan PERSONALLY so she would be out of my life for a while. I would also do what my friend does with his children: have the child write out a contract to pay so much a month even if it is only $10. Explain to her there will be no more money no matter what the circumstances unless this loan is paid off. Everyone signs then put the contract in a safe place. The next time she asks for money show her the contract. This way of handling loans has worked with my friend and their children.

I am curious about something. First, Mistepmom, did your SD end up going in the Airforce? How has it changed her?
Second, would you be angry and resentful if the money were going to "your" biokids, or is it just because they are your stepkids that causes you to resent her so much, and bring such angry feelings?

mis--- what the devil are you even doing married to this particular idiot? you're wasting your time, your effort, and your decent heart on not just the brat- but the father of the brat as well.

you don't think he's suddenly going to come to his senses, do you? or that he's ever going to make sacrifices if YOU are in genuine need?

he's not.

you'd be better off living in a studio apartment with a pair of hyenas than you are now.