I have a few friends like this, I chalk it up to insecurity. They like to feel important. I usually just listen and when I have had enough I start making up excuses to get off the phone. No sense in being rude people like this don't listen they just talk.

I do not, generally, answer my phone. Partly because I'm hearing impaired. Generally texts and/or emails will get a quick response from me should my sons need to get in touch.

If this is really upsetting you, get two phones, one a public number that you need not answer (but it can have voicemail) and the other a private number only for those close to you who you feel should always have immediate access.

I also chalk it up to insecurity. I have a friend who always talks about how busy she is with friends while at the same time she is criticizing them. The one thing I have realized is that if she is criticizing them to me then she is also criticizing me to others. I no longer ask anything of her (we used to share driving if we were going out but now I either drive both of us or I go by myself, we would water each others plants if we were away - I find someone else to water mine) and I tell her very little of my life or that of my husbands and kids.

I actually feel sorry for my friend but not enough to be a part of her problem. I have a couple of ideas as to why she might feel insecure but she has so much going for her that they shouldn't matter.

Might your sister feel insecure against they rest of you? I don't have any suggestions on how to solve it. The only thing I think you can do is protect yourself and your family, and that decision will be dependent on your comfort level for doing so.

I've never had a sibling, and I'm sure that makes a difference in where you draw your boundaries. But if you're comfortable doing this, don't answer the phone every time your sister calls. Instead, call her back. The person placing the call has the upper hand, from an etiquette perspective, when it comes to ending it. You can let her know early in the call that you won't be able to stay on long, for whatever reason.

With Caller ID, you shouldn't need two phones.

"I guess the thing I need help with is how not to listen to all her talking and still be a good sister to her."

What is involved in "being a good sister to her"? For example, if it's providing financial assistance, you can do that via another sister without having to "deal with" this particular sister.

I firmly believe that just because I'm related to someone doesn't mean I have to like that person.

Sometimes people also talk a lot if they don't have a lot of people to talk to. That can include friends that they share time with but who aren't chatty. Other times, people talk a lot just because they're chatty, and don't have a filter, so share everything that pops into their heads. I have a friend who is manic depressive, fairly well controlled by medication, but still hypo-manic most of the time. She talks. But she's the life of the party and funny as heck and everybody wants to be around her and listen. Maybe not daily, but enough.

Does why matter? She's your sister, so even if she knows she talks too much, or she's talking about things that no one much cares about, or which are too critical, she probably feels safe talking so much to you. If you have something you want to talk to her about, break in at an opportune moment and say, "Listen. I want to talk to you. Wait until I've told you about this and then give me your thoughts." If you just want to get away, you don't have to make up excuses. Just say you have to go, and if she won't stop, say, "I meant it when I said I had to go and I have to hang up now. 'Love you!" and hang up. You're never going to change your sister's behavior at the point that you're talking about grandchildren, but you don't have to let it impact you. If you feel bad, you can tell your other gossipy sister how bad you felt having to cut the other sister off when you had to go, and let her talk about you. :)

Can you listen with 'half an ear'? Do you know what I mean? Husbands are good at this. When you've listened long enough to reassure your sister that she is loved, just say you have to get off the phone. Say, "I love you. Bye-Bye," and hang up.

I see plllog and I were thinking along the same lines at the same time!

Occasionally when I get tied up with a 'talker', I'll play a game on the computer, with the sound turned off. I just give an appropriate uh-huh, or yes, every so often, and the talker never knows how I am amusing myself.

I have a sister who calls just to talk about nothing...literally....she always calls during the day (I work from home) so my excuse to get her off the phone quickly is work. If she calls at night or weekends (rarely), I'll tell her I only have a few minutes to chat. She still has conversations with others in the room while talking with me (sooooo annoying) but I have no problem telling her I don't have time to chat.

Set your boundaries early in the call and stick to them. You can't make her stop talking about the subjects she wishes to discuss but you certainly can limit your time on the phone.

I see two things going on. You'll forgive my male perspective on this but please give me a chance to offer some thoughts.


The first - women have a tendency to establish and maintain relationships by talking to each other. Many women are ready to talk for long periods of time about nothing. Not all, but very many. It's the means of connection, as if each had a plug and each had a socket and they connect together as the conversation starts. Two women walk away from such an encounter thinking "she's such a good person, we had a good talk. Replace a woman with a man in the conversation and he'd walk away thinking "what in the heck was she blabbing on and on about, I couldn't say a thing, she kept talking about things I don't need to know or care about". This is how your "chatty" sisters are, the long conversations are just how they want to engage with you and connect, they're displaying their comfort with you and sharing inner thoughts without giving any thought to whether you care or you need to know.

The second - as per your description, you're a reserved person. Being with others draws energy from you (for outgoing people it's the opposite). You need "your space" to recharge. Perhaps even these encounters become a bit claustrophobic.

Your chatty sisters aren't going to change, and you won't either. And no one needs to change. To the extent you need to accept (and not get upset about) how they are, they should do the same for you. I think you should speak to each (in a conversation you start) , politely explain that they know about your shyness, and that you get uncomfortable with long conversations. You love to talk to them, but not for hours on end. I think that will work.

See the attached about gender conversational styles, it describes a bit of how your talkative sisters act. Good luck.

Gender communication differences

The second - as per your description, you're a reserved person. Being with others draws energy from you (for outgoing people it's the opposite). You need "your space" to recharge. Perhaps even these encounters become a bit claustrophobic.

snidely is spot on with this part. They need to be "charged" and to them recharging=people. Can't really shut them down quickly without "draining" them. (((jkayd)))

snidely, I think you're right. She does drain me. She told someone once that I don't like to talk on the phone and I think she's right. Plus I just don't like the details and bragging. I guess I will have to learn to live with it but I think my relationship with her could be so much better if I didn't have to deal with her talk, talk, talk.

Do you have a tape recorder?

How about recoding one of your "conversations" and visiting her, checking whether she's in a good mood, and if so, explaining some about your feelings about the situation, and playing it back to her if she feels you're being too difficult.

Sometimes it helps if we put ourselves into someone else's shoes ... and into a hearer's ear might let one understand how what we say sounds to others.

You don't want to be difficult ... but need to vent some ... and would like to shift your relationship somewhat so that it can be more meaningful/satisfying to you, as well.

(((((j kayd)))))

ole joyful

Snidely has validated my comment about husbands. They have learned to 'be present' without listening to every nuance of what a DW says.

Women tend to make better 'sounding boards' than men. A man wants a problem he can *solve now* and move on. This trait isn't as helpful when you need 'an ear' to just listen while you work something out by verbalizing your thoughts or feelings.

The link I posted chisue has useful insights but as written by a woman, the discussion of male conversation habits misses the mark a bit.

For a male, a conversation is a transaction. It doesn't linger. Whenever possible, a good conversation flows like this: Topic - discussion of causes and alternatives -other considerations or consequences- is enough knowledge/information available for a decision or conclusion, then end the deliberation and decide - action steps required and followup to be done, and by whom. Done. Next topic or, what else are we doing?

Sometimes those steps can be compressed into a sentence or two. All the better.

Gender differences are as real and important as the personality differences jkayd is facing. You need to meet halfway - you need to understand that his ear has a time limit on it, he needs to give you a little time to express yourself. He's not a woman, you're not a man, neither of you can expect the other to respond exactly how you'd prefer. You've been married for a good while, I'm sure you've worked this out. Others don't necessarily understand the gender differences, they're real and very important.

THe main issue is what she talks about. It's difficult listening to someone either brag or criticize.

I agree with Alisande. But, it would become very obvious if you never answer the phone when she calls.On the occasion that you initiate, you can say something like, "I won't keep you any longer, it was nice catching up."

Something that my DH and I do on occasion, is call in on the phone call. It gives us a legitimate reason to end the conversation. "Oh, sorry, I have to get this call coming in."

I agree that you are not going to change, and neither is your sister. You can only change in what you do and how you react to your sister.

I have a SIL that I have to take a deep breath before I have a conversation with her. And this is either on the phone or in person. She is just annoying to me.

For example, she was cleaning her sunroom and stuff was all over. I said, "You have a lot of stuff!" She went on and on about how she lives in an apartment, not a house, and she can't run down to the basement etc. (She lives in a property that we own.)

This same remark was made to me by a friend. We just laughed and commiserated on how hard it was to declutter. Long story short, i will never see eye to eye with this SIL, and so when she took offense , I just kept quiet. Explaining would not have done any good.

Flip the script. After she's gone on as long as you want tell her, "Look how rude I've been, I've let you do all the talking and I've been remiss about updating you about what's going on in my life!" As soon as it's not about her, she will "have to run."

You have a prattle-puss to deal with. As the astute posters above have mentioned, there are several reasons and facets for this behavior. It doesn't condone it, but merely explains it. You are not going to change and neither is the prattler. You need a defence and I do not have a good solution because I have been known to prattle. For breaking off phone conversations, you need a repertoire of excuses so that you don't use the same one too many times in a row. Prattlers are not stupid and catch on when they are being shunned. Your list may include: 1) I've got to go potty. 2) There's someone at the door. 3) I've got to attend to something I have left heating on the stove. 4) I have to go get ready for an appointment. Be careful about using things like "I have to get ready. My husband is taking me out tonight." She may know differently!

Men view this behavior as a braggart. Men can be callous. We tend to not pay any attention to braggarts. We see too many of then in men too.

What do I think? I think that you will continue to be the loving sister who puts up with a certain amount of irritation. Please do not explode all over the next family member who walks into the house after you have been thoroughly irritated. Just say to yourself, "Poor prattle puss; She needed to pump her ego again."

I'm sure that for her the world revolves around her grands. She probably really and truly believes that you are as excited as she is when little Joey wins a blue ribbon on that hen scratch she calls art(or whatever). My SIL has pretty much disowned everyone in the family because we didn't stop the world when her first grandchild was born. She actually thought that people would fly in from out of state just to see HER grandchild. We're talking great aunts and great uncles here...heck I don't even know who my great aunts and great uncles WERE/ARE! HA!

Just remember, it could be a whole lot worse! She probably feels good to have you to tell all this to. As others have said, just make up some reason to get off the phone. Be happy that your sister is talking to you and isn't dying of cancer (seriously!) or something terrible like that! When you lose someone close(as I have) it kind of puts (silly) things in perspective.

I like all these answers, but 'prattle-puss' is perfect. And.... talking excessively can irritate. My neighbor is heading toward dementia and when we meet it is a one-way conversation and goes on far too long........but....She really needs the attention and my heart goes out to her and her family. I also think that being critical comes with that territory. Bless your heart for knowing that your DS just needs to talk ....talk...talk, and the "good sister" faced her challenge for the day. It could be worse.

Thank you everyone for your comments. She has other issues too, such as a temper and being a tattletell, but I need to accept her and try harder to not let her get to me. I do think she is insecure but Why? Also because I used to work at a school I have thoughts she may be ADHD. Of course when she was in school they probably never heard of such a thing.

Bottom line, I need to not let her bother me. I'm going to come up with a few excuses to get off the phone with her when she is going on and on. As I said earlier I think our relationship could be so much better if she wasn't the way she is. Of course I'm not perfect by any means.

jkayd, honestly, don't come up with excuses on why you can't talk. To me, "excuses" sound forced and you're deflecting the real issue. You have every right to control the call on your terms. If she calls and you do want to talk, tell her you can only talk for X number of minutes and stick to it. If you really don't want to talk at all and she starts off on some tangent, ask if the matter is an emergency. If not, tell her you need to go and you'll catch up. Put yourself in control of the situation instead of letting her control it. You will find those calls become shorter and more tolerable.

"Put yourself in control of the situation instead of letting her control
it. You will find those calls become shorter and more tolerable."

I finally did this very thing. She has been and is a good friend of mine for years but I grew tired of being her sounding board and being used to kill time until another call came into her phone or someone showed up that was more important. It's difficult when you know and understand the person, but enough is enough. You can bet if you phone her first and she doesn't want to talk, she'd let YOU know.

You can bet if you phone her first and she doesn't want to talk, she'd let YOU know.

Schoolhouse, you are right. If she has another call come in when she's talking to me she will leave me waiting while she checks who it is and if she wants to talk to them our call is over.

She's family and I want to get along but sometimes it's hard.

I'm a woman but not a "talker." I have had experience with the kind of "talker" you are describing, one whose sole conversation turns on herself--bragging and criticizing. If I wanted to keep the friendship, especially if it were a sibling, I'd tell her the truth, gently but firmly. Next time she brags turn it into a pointed piece of gentle sarcasm: "Oh Susie as you've told me over and over you are indeed so wonderful and everything about your family is so perfect! How did you get such a perfect life! I really envy you! Can you please tell me your secret?" You can do this with a gentle but firm voice and not get her angry but merely stop her in her tracks. Do it each and every time she brags and she will soon be quite self-aware of it. For criticism I'd also say something pointed to show you are not going to play along. "Susie I want peace and joy in my life and criticism pulls others down. I'm sorry but I really don't want to hear or participate in criticism of X's life: I am not comfortable with this conversation. Can we talk about something positive instead?" Again, be consistent--do this every time she begins to criticize. Believe me she'll get the point soon. However, be prepared for her to stop calling you as you are no longer willing to be patsy to her self-absorption. That's her call.

Have you tried something like this?

I don't know Cassandra if this would work. As I said she has a temper. My niece told me the way she handles her is by not responding when she tells her things she doesn't care to hear but that doesn't always work because she just repeats it. She has learned to be sneaky with her comments like Joe, Suzie, Mary doesn't like that. I'm all ready to ask her next time, "but how do you feel".

I'm sorry I could not read through all the comments so I hope I'm not repeating what others have said. I have 3 sisters, all older. We are all very different although we are all close in age. I'm the odd man out and always have been. All my sisters are gregarious, talented and successful, I'm shy for the most part and struggle. I love them all but honestly I don't think I would care for the two oldest sisters if they were not related to me. I think your sisters incessant talking and bragging comes from insecurity and she is probably envious of you, you might never know exactly why even if you asked her. Try to remember that next time she calls. I think my sisters feel about me the same as you fell about your sister. My sisters have no problem cutting me off and if I don't like it.... tough. I think I would be less likely to brag and go on and on when talking to my sisters if they could give me a little positive reinforcement and acceptance.

"I do think she is insecure but Why?"

Maybe you could find some helpful insights & understanding of your sister by searching for and reading Personality Types A, B, C, D and Birth Order Personalities

You don't have to believe all you read but you might find food-for-thought for ways of understanding your sister better.

jkyad, keep in mind that no one can take advantage of you unless you allow them to do so.
Take responsibility.
This is a good article on being the victim: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daylle-deanna-schwartz/stop-being-a-victim-take-responsibility_b_5248190.html

I'm all for accepting people the way they are; rob333 is correct that people often do not change (although many times they DO--growth in self-awareness is always possible). But even if someone won't or can't change, that doesn't mean that we have to put up with behaviors that are disturbing or just endlessly "take it." Sorry, but I don't find that that fits the definition of "love" at all. Sometimes the more loving thing is to tell the truth and/or make the choice to leave a situation that has become a burden or a heartache.

I think jkayd has gotten good advice from many comments, hopefully they will help her deal with the personality quirks she faces.

For others, who says women aren't snarky and calculating? I agree with rob.

"If she has another call come in when she's talking to me she will leave me waiting while she checks who it is and if she wants to talk to them our call is over."

People only do this to me once. If I'm on the phone with you and you interupt our conversation to take another call, unless it's an emergency, I just hang up. I'm not going to sit there on hold while you have a conversation with someone else. I get put on hold enough at work - I'm not going to accept that in my personal life. People only do it to me once because they learn that if they put me on hold, I'll just hang up.

• I get a lot of those oh so annoying inspirational this is how you should live posts on face book. I ignore them, the persons who post think they are spreading the love.....Although one did catch my eye to the effect. You don't have to agree or like the things others do to still be their friend. It took this as differences are just that you don't have to rationalize make them ok with what you feel or how you live or behave. The sky is blue doesn't matte how I feel about it or want or would colour it, the sky is blue I don't have to expend any energy on it, It just is. Now the trick how to be this zen :) about someone who's behavior is different and normally drains you. If you take out your own dislike of the behavior and what you think she feels, see if a way out of the conversations presents itself.. I liked an earlier suggestion that was to express good will, and the end of conversation (love ya butt gotta go) Its simple and honest She does not need to know why you gotta go. You could say hay can`t talk now but send me an email sometimes when people read things they themselves can see the prattling on not me of course :)