Don't know how to deal with boyfriend and x-wife

18 years ago

Hello,

I just read one similar to the one I am about to post. I have many, many more issues. Okay, first b/f and x have been divorced for 7years. We have been together for 6 and living together for 5 1/2. They have a 8yr old girl and we have a 14mo old girl. She met her DH months after the initial seperation and delivered her other daughter to her new hubby just after I met my b/f( a year after the divorce). Everytime something goes wrong in her life, she calls my b/f. One time she was searching the history on her computer and saw that her DH had looked at ONE pornographical website. She called my b/f crying, asking why, and if she was pretty enough, and if she was worth loving, etc... then she started only calling my b/f cell phone to cell phone. this upset me. If she would call the house and I answered the phone she would hang up on me. When we bought our home THREE years ago (4 years after their divorce) she yelled at him telling him that we didn't have any business buying a home together since we weren't married. When she found out I was pregnant, she went back for more child support and had it raised an extra $200. She bad mouths me, degrades me, tells him that she is going to smack the sh*t out of me. She ran her car into his ( with their daughter in it and not yet buckled) and begged him not to call the police or our insurance because she was driving without any coverage. Okay, now for the bad stuff; we fought continuously about all of this plus so much more. He cheated on me with her back in dec. And now her husband has left her. She called my b/f crying when she found out that her still DH had a new girlfriend. She called him one day telling him that she had to call off work the day before cause she was in the hospital due to swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills cause her DH left her and my b/f didn't want anything to do with her.I felt bad for her(I didn't know about the cheating just yet). I tried to help her. She was still a jerk to me. Well in July, I found out about the cheating. I started to leave and then was talked out of it by the b/f using our home and our daughter. My b/f says that he doesn't want anything to do with her. When he takes his daughter home, he is there for literally hours. I said that I wasn't going to deal with this crap anymore. He said that he cannot be rude and just cut her off cause it will effect his daughter. Since the DH left the x in feb, she has been with 12 different guys. My b/f feels like he needs to be over at his xs house so he can prevent this stuff. He says that he will not do things that he knows will cause a fight cause he is afraid of what his daughter will have to deal with. He doesn't want to go to court cause his daughter will see it and know that he is the one causing all the problems. His daughter asked him to promise her that he would not start anymore problems with the x and asked him to just do whatever "her mommy" wanted. He agreed. .... Sorry, I am not abel to vent to anyone. .... I want alot out of life. i am 25 and want a guy who will put me on a pedestal. I will graduate from college and have my RN degree in May. I have alot going to me. I don't know what to do for a number of reasons. My b/f wants to get married. I would love to get married and have that commitment but I just don't know. I am not able to afford our home alone. I don't want joint custody of our daughter. She is literally the only person I have. I am REALLY afraid of what will happen with my daughter if we split and he goes back to the ex.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (11)

justnotmartha
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Wow. There are so many different issues there I'm feeling helpless just trying to advise you. I'm sorry you are all going through so much.

I'm trying to break it down, so here are some questions/points:
1) Is your bf's daughter safe with her mother? Where was she when mom tried to OD? Where is she when the 12 different men are around? I know bf told his daughter he wouldn't make waves, but his job as a father is to protect his child, not be her best friend. 10 years from now what will daughter appreciate - that daddy kept his word on a promise he never should have made, or that daddy kept her safe?
2)You have already committed to your bf. You had his child. Marriage is a piece of paper at this point. By cheating your bf has shown that he is not that committed to you . . . will a piece of paper change that?
3)You can never, and should never, be on a pedestal alone. There are two other equally important females in your bf's life - his daughters. When you entered the relationship he already had one of them - you can't expect to come before her in the pecking order.
4)Your daughter may be the only person you "have', but you are not the only one she has. She also has a dad, and you can't rule out joint custody because it's not what you want. When you have a child you give up the right to consider what you want before considering what is in the best interest of your child. If her father is unfit to take joint custody that is one matter, but if he is able then to have him in your daughters life just may be what is best for her. If he gets back together and your daughter would be spending time with his ex I would have serious reservations - a poor mom will likely make a worse step mom.

All that said, I don't know how I would deal with a woman who was constantly after my husband without losing my mind. Your bf is right to consider how everything will effect his daughter, but I think allowing these things to happen rather than taking a stand and correcting the issues instead of perpetuating them he is making a huge mistake.

I wish you strength and wisdom.
plasticgarden
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
The impression I got from this post,is that your BF is an A***Hole. He is making every excuse possible not to do the right thing.Who promises a kid that they will do,"whatever mommy wants"?
If your BF had any sense whatsoever,the day his ex crashed that car with the child,he should have taken emergency legal custody of her.
He spends HOURS at her house??? Oh,I so do not think I would be allowing that either! Can you be so nieve as to believe his crap that he isnt STILL cheating?
This guy still wants his ex and to have you as well. What's sad is he is using his child as an excuse to do that.
You are 25,you are graduating college,you have alot to offer someone.Get out of this bad relationship while you can. You can do better,and you do deserve someone who will
put you on a pedastool.
So what if you cant afford the house on your own.there must be someone you can go to~your mom or dad maybe? Dont just stay because you are scared. Sometimes doing the right thing is scary.
Commiting yourself to this guy would be a big mistake.He's already proved himself as a cheater and a liar. Doesnt sound like a great father either.
Related Discussions
What would you do? We don't like DD's boyfriend!
Q
Comments (44)
jterrilynn - " We always feel like we lost our puppy or something" I have two boys and that's how I feel when a girlfriend is gone. My eldest son went out with a girl for two years and everyone really like her. When they broke up his cousins asked him if they could keep her and get rid of him. :) Back to topic- When above son was in high school he was part of a group of kids who were/are good kids - smart, responsible nice kids. They weren't the in-kids or the jocks but they were the kids who accepted the nerds and the new kids - the social group where parents wanted their own kids to be a part of in school. They weren't perfect but the silly things they did never overshadowed their reputation. In first year college he met a new male friend and started hanging out with him. I think there was some thrill to hanging out with this kid.This kid didn't have a good reputation (drugs were the issue) and that's how I approached the problem. Instead of forbidding him from seeing this new "friend" I talked to him about reputations and labels. My son (and his friends) had a good label and this boy did not. I explained how easy it is to go from a "good" label to a "bad" label or reputation and how so very difficult it is to get back that reputation. I explained that even though he may not do anything wrong the bad label is easily transferred. People like to talk about the bad kids but seldom about the good kids because that isn't tantalizing or scintillating gossip. I explained about the purpose of gossip and how stories can get exaggerated and with the advent of texting and tweeting how quickly things can spread. So I asked him what kind of a label did he want for himself and what kind of a reputation did he and his friends want for themselves - for now and for the future. My son chose to get rid of this kid but I think it was hard for him but he had goals and figured out that being involved with this kid could hamper those goals. Selfishly, I also told him that I didn't want this kid and his reputation to hamper my reputation. As my son's mother I could get dragged into the gossip as well. ( what was she thinking allowing DS1 to hang out with that kid, etc) I just explained that he would eventually be moving out of the neighbourhood and I wouldn't be.
...See More
Don't mean to offend, but what's the big deal with subway tiles?
Q
Comments (35)
FYI, from someone who RIDES the NYC subway daily: MOST of the subway passages I go through are lined in 4x4 square. I almost never see the oblong ones. Maybe a very few really old ones.... And, I don't want my home to look like a subway passage! The white tile, no matter what its shape or size, has never said "luxury" to me; it has always said "institutional." Even those 1920s tiles were chosen because they looked sterile and easy to clean. So I don't quite get it when people combine Carrera marble (which to me is the epitome of luxury) w/ subway tiles (which to me is as "high school bathroom/subway tunnel" as you can get) I'd put white subway tiles in my bathroom in a flash, because of the steriity aura. But I wouldn't pair them w/ big, splashy Carrera marble.
...See More
Dealing with boyfriend depressed 15 year old daughter
Q
Comments (4)
Hi Jenn, Wow! I almost could have written this about 4 years ago. Many details are the same: depressed 15/16 year old (that started out cutting herself), then a suicide attempt, and bipolar & borderline personality disorder ex-wife. Eek! You have my heartfelt sympathies so my first advice is DON'T FEEL ALONE! :) and you are not crazy for feeling the way you do. It's hard for the best dad in the world to make up for the possible inherited emotional makeup and the influences of a psycho ex-wife. I dated my boyfriend for 3 years before we got married; after each being divorced once and knowing how hard it is to make blended families work we wanted to be careful. He had custody for 9 months out of the year, the mother had the summers. Most of our problems came to light after we were married. After the suicide attempt the SD stayed 9 days in a psyche hospital for troubled teens. My husband and I were blamed by some of his family and the ex-wife for his daughters problems. Her caseworker at this hospital was horrible as the ex-wife had convinced her we were the root cause of it all and I left in tears one day. Had he not stood up for me to his family I very well may have taken my son and left. But, he did stand up for me and he is a good, good man so we are still together and are now empty nesters. My second piece of advice is counseling - for everyone that will go; you and your boyfriend and especially the SD. But be careful, we had some bad ones during our troubles so make sure you get a good one. Don't be afraid to try another if the first one doesn't work. I guess it boils down to you weighing out what your relationship with him means to you, keeping the welfare of your daughters in mind of course as it seems like they are still young. Sounds like you jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak. Not fun. However, kids grow up and (hopefully) start their own lives, so are you better with him or without him? My last piece of advice is pray. Pray and pray some more! Ask other people to pray for you and her as well. And find someone to talk to - a counselor, minister or the like, not just a friend. There is hope. Now at 21 my SD is really growing up and maturing. She has gotten off her anti-depressants and is beating her depression. She has moved away which means she's also far away from her mother who tends to cause problems. We have been taking small steps in the last year to building a new relationship and we are making good progress. Good luck to you!
...See More
How do I deal with an ex-wife who is bitter?
Q
Comments (15)
I came here to find info and boy oh boy did I! I found that some of the info here is REALLY biased in favor of the new wife. Before I continue, I want you to know that I'm on both sides of the fence. I'm an ex w/child & I'm think'n of marry'n a man with an ex w/child who manipulates & controls as well. So, I can see both sides. To organic_maria; when I read parts of your post, my blood boiled. How do you think that you and your husband can go and take away from another child because you now have one of your own. Ya can't do that! If he could not afford 2 children then he should not have had another baby! But you CAN NOT rob Peter to pay Paul! You can not take from one household to put into yours. I don't care what "SHE" has. That baby is "HIS" responsiblity as well. Unfortunately, you won't get this (foolish lady) until after he breaks his vows & divorces YOU, leaves YOU w/children, remarry's & has children by his new wife & then takes food out of YOUR child's mouth to be able to feed his new family at the command of his NEW WIFE. Therefore, a reduction in CS is not go'n to happen. Allow that man to pay what it is he's supposed to pay for his child. That's the right of the child...to be supported by both parents. You(foolish lady) are ask'n for conflict w/his ex when you do silly things as such. Do NOT help him to runaway from his financial responsibilites in order to make you happy. It's bad enough that the child has lost it's full time father. In these situations, you can't have it all. Don't put him in that position of taking away from one child to give to another. You'll stress out your marriage...even more. Next, the ex probably has a good reason as to why she's so nasty towards him. I'm not say'n that being vendictive is right but maybe he did somethings to hurt her deeply during their marriage; you don't know, you were not there. You just know what he's told you & choose to believe him because you love him and of course he would NEVER lie! And, that may be true, maybe he doesn't lie to you. Maybe he's a "good man" NOW, but what was he like years ago before you met him? What was he like during his first marriage before all of the lessons he's learned at her expense? Again, I'm not say'n that she should be an evil **** but karma is a MF! If ya don't want it to grow, then don't sow the seed. I can't mistreat a dog & not expect to get bitten at some point. I just think that MAYBE....just MAYBE he should go to his ex & try to make things right. I'm not say'n get back together w/her because what's done is done, but if there's still bitterness there then there's some unfinished business. And with many of YOU being WOMEN, I would think that YOU would encourge that! All of these excuses as to why your ex stayed with such a "witch" is nonsense, he stayed because he wanted to stay. He married her because he wanted to marry her...unless she was into some kind of spiritual voo-doo & put a hex on him? There's always 2 sides to a story and all of you are all hyped up on what "he" said. Yeah, he's tell'n you about all of her skeletons but he's not say'n much about his is he? He was an angel! And, I betcha on her side, she's tell'n her new guy about all of his skeletons and how he was so aweful to her w/o tell'n how she pulled a knife on him in his sleep & set the bed on fire! My point here is don't be so dang on biased. I know you're angry...I get that but you don't know her so why are you angry at "HER"? Because she get's a certain % of his income in which she's entitled too? Because "HE", your husband is weak and easily controlled. Because "HE" your husband feels guilt? Hmmmmm, and why is that? Why does he feel guility if he did noth'n wrong? Your husband needs to man up & accept responsiblity for his part in their failed marriage & try to make things right. Again, not say'n allow her to manipulate, but he needs to put all of his cards on the table & apologize for "HIS" part...because dispite what "HE" say's. He had a part! This way maybe some of her bitterness will fade unless she's really just a certified mental case. And, even if she is maybe he can assist w/that. Maybe the both of you can assist with that. Divorce is hard on EVERYBODY. You as a woman should feel some empathy...her marriage failed & him as the father of his child/ren should care just a bit because let's face it. She is the mother of his child/ren & her child/ren LOVES HER & HE loves his children. NOTH'N you do or say will EVER change that. Do something as his current wife to try and encourage peace & get off of your "what about me" soap boxes. In reality, he should have never moved on to a YOU until he was done with HER. And, I mean completely done and I'm not talk'n about a certain time span. You can be divorces from your spouse for 20yrs and still have unfinished business. I came here to try & find some good information and sadly to say, there wasn't much maturity here. Being someone who's been on both sides of the fence, I encourage my guy to do the right things by his children and even his ex. I'm not into sowing seeds of hatred, bitterness and anger. If an "I'm sorry" on his part can help that woman to heal then by all means, apologize & then maybe she can find some happiness and we can go on with our lives!
...See More
lonepiper
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
When someone does something bad to another (like cheat on them) they (the cheater) usually tries to make amends and make attempts to regain the wronged persons trust, etc. Do you feel like he's trying to regain your trust and make amends with you while he is spending excessive amounts of time at the ex's house? Does it sound like he's sorry?
sylviatexas1
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
remember a long time ago there was a public service ad on tv that showed a clothesline?

as the clothesline moved to the left, underwear kept coming off it & drifting toward the bottom of the screen.

There were ladies' bikinis, men's boxers, jockeys, men's bikinis, string bikinis, thongs, grany panties, one after the other, drifting gently off that clothesline.

Then the message came:

When you sleep with someone, you sleep with all his partners *& all their partner & all their partners*.

If the father of my child had exposed me to the risk of STDs including AIDS, I don't think I'd be hanging around trying to figure out if he were sincere or if he were playing mind games, especially if he were still spending hours at a time with the ex.

Regardless of what he says, what do you really think they're doing?

Get out of there while you can, before he gives you something you can't get over, before his unbalanced once-&-future ex comes after you with a weapon, before the two of them manage to drain the bank accounts, change the insurance policies, & lose the house you're living in.

Take care of yourself ("Pull down your own oxygen mask before you attempt to help someone else") & your daughter.

Given her history of violence, self-destructiveness, & reckless driving, an attorney should be able to prevent him from having your daughter in a place where the "ex" is present.

which means he probably won't be enthusiastic or diligent about exercising visitation.

My guess is he'll be pretty much out of your life within a couple of years.

& go to your own doctor or, if that's too embarrassing, to the health department, & get checked for *every* STD, & while you're there, make an appointment to come back in 6 months.

I wish you the best.
mom2emall
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I have to side with the others on here, your bf does not seem worth your committment. Marriage is a HUGE committment and should not be used as a tool to fix a broken relationship. I know that right now you have a baby and are not quite finished with college and it seems so hard to leave. But, for you and your daughter you should go. I say this from experience, being in a similar situation when I was only 19 and mother to a 4 month old baby. I was scared to leave my ex, who treated me like crap. I was worried about how I would support our son on my own. For a while I thought it would be better to stay because of my son. Then I realized that a miserable mom was not good for a child. So, when I finally hit my breaking point with my ex I left. I had to move in with family and work full-time while going to college full-time and raising a baby. It was a struggle. But, it paid off. I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders when I left. Sure, I had nights when I cried myself to sleep. But, when I saw his next gf as miserable as I had been I realized I had made the right choice. He would never change.

For the next few years I focused on me and my son, got my life on track, and regained my self-esteem. I decided that I deserved much more than I had in my ex. I dated around for years, picking apart each man I dated to my friends. They often joked that I would be an old spinster. I almost thought I would be, then I met the man of my dreams. The way he treated me and the way I instantly felt around him was wonderful! This is what I deserved. Years later we married and are very happy. I have thought back many times to how horrible my life would have been if I had not made the decision to leave my ex.

You deserve so much more than this guy is giving you. Please do not settle for this. Your almost done with school and have so much life in front of you-do not waste it You do not want to look back when your 35 and say "I should have left back then!"
feelssoalone
Original Author
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I JUST FOUND OUT THAT HE IS CONTINUING TO MESS WITH HIS EX-WIFE. EVERYTHING IS GOING ON BEHIND MY BACK; WHEN I AM IN SCHOOL AND WHEN I AM AT WORK..... NEITHER ONE OF US CAN AFFORD THE HOUSE ON OUR OWN. I HAD TO TAKE A DIFFERENT JOB TO FINISH SCHOOL; WHICH I AM NOW GOING TO PUT OFF AGAIN. I DONT HAVE FAMILY SUPPORT. THE ONLY FAMILY I HAVE LIVE 1 1/2 HOURS AWAY. I KNOW OF THIS APARTMENT I CAN GET. I WAS GOING TO GET IT BACK IN AUGUST AND SOME STUFF HAPPENED.... I ACTUALLY STILL HAVE THE KEY FOR IT. I AM SO SCARED
sylviatexas1
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Don't be scared.

Take a deep breath, & act.

Be calm, & get this done right.

You don't have to leave the house immediately;
it's your home.

Make your arrangements, & then leave.

Call the landlord about the apartment.

Go to the bank & get half the money from your joint account, & pay cash to get the apartment.

See an attorney about getting child support.

If you can, move all your things when you leave;
just in case the ex moves in, she may trash your belongings.

Keep posting here, we'll help you all we can.
mom2emall
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Good advice Sylvia. Feelssoalone...think before you act. Get your arrangements made before you let on that you know what is going on. After you have money, an apartment rented, and whatever else you need THEN break the news that your leaving. If you can, have friends and male family members there to help you move out when your ready. You do not want to do it all yourself, just in case your bf gets angry. And definately try to have someone watch your daughter that day, so she is not caught in the middle of it all.

Good luck!
azura123
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
First off, did you buy the home with him or do you rent it with him? I'd keep my mouth shut and go to the bank and take out half the money. And then go straight to an attorney for legal advice. If you have equity in the house and you live in a strong market, you could get some money out of that. Get as many student loans as you can to live off of for the next 8 months or so. You cannot afford to give up that nursing degree.

Do you have a reliable car? Could you move that hour and a half away and live with your parents and commute to school every day until you can get back on your feet? That's a lot of driving, but right now you must finish that degree.

Also, I don't know what kind of sweet talker your boyfriend is, but for the love of everything holy, take your birth control pills every day.
sweeby
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'm with the above three -- Azura in particular.

If you can finish your degree and don't get married, don't get an STD from BF's exploits, or get pregnant again, you'll come out of this OK.

Stay safe and keep your long term goals in mind --
plasticgarden
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Tell BF he either has to sell the house,or buy you out.If you sell it,you will have some money to help support yourself on your own.He will probably agree to sell the house if he cant afford it without you.
I'am so sorry you found out he is still seeing his ex. At least now you know his true colors though and can move on. You are doing the right thing.

Don't know how to deal with boyfriend and x-wife

Comments (11)

justnotmartha

plasticgarden

Related Discussions

lonepiper

sylviatexas1

mom2emall

feelssoalone
Original Author

sylviatexas1

mom2emall

azura123

sweeby

plasticgarden

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Don't know how to deal with boyfriend and x-wife

Comments (11)

Related Discussions

feelssoaloneOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

feelssoalone
Original Author