Thank you to Aequitas and justmetoo for your helpful suggestions. I think the "no problem" solution might work out because at this point, she just seems to think at the time she is misbehaving that the consequences are just a joke. Waiting until she expresses genuine interest in something and then implementing the consequence seems like it might get through to her a little more than the rote loss of ipod, sentences, no hanging out with friends. As far as the lunch account, DH did call the school and told them she is not to buy anything but the actual meal. The sneaking food at home usually occurs when I am taking a shower. The last time she did it (that I am aware of), she came to me afterward asking for a snack, and I said no since I am pretty sure she already had something. So, she told me well, I didn't have anything, but ok... see, I am saying ok rather than arguing with you about it. Then later, I saw there was an empty package of cookies in the cupboard, and she fessed up at that point. DH has actually become very supportive of me over time, but still manages to undercut me sometimes, but for the most part, we have to present a united front because she was getting in the habit of trying to start arguments between us by "tattling" on the other. He knows she misbehaves, it is just that sometimes our strategies for dealing with it differ. His thing is to ignore most of it, or he just doesn't see how it is a problem. Like the party behavior, if I had tried correcting her as often as she needed, he probably would have given me "the look" like I need to just let her have fun and be a kid. He chalks it up to kid behavior, but so much of her behavior is still age inappropriate, and she gets called on it by peers, but sees it as their problem, not hers. Other kids of similar age at the party were calm and were not creating the chaos that she was. DH and I are now seriously discussing an evaluation because in the past we were both in agreement that it was behavioral and we wanted to hold off on medication unless it was absolutely necessary. There is much past history that I did not get into in the previous post, but SD used to live with GM, who got her put on Abilify at age 9 with no impact, then she came to live with us, without medication and was fine for about the first year or so. And, the truth is, things have not been easy for her growing up with BM being a mess and DH acquiescing control to his mom for a lot of the time when she was little. But, it seems that now she just doesn't care about the lying or crazy behavior. It seems like she would rather get to do what she wants for that little bit and live with the consequences. It seems like now she is older, she knows that she does not need to listen to us and really feels like our rules are a joke because she gets to do whatever she wants at her mom's house, like have boyfriends that she keeps secret from us, facebook accounts, time to hang out with no adult supervision, watch movies and t.v. that she is not supposed to, etc. For the last several months, I have noticed also that when she comes back from her mom's, the first week is somewhat more bearable than the second week when she knows she is going to her mom's that weekend. She can be perfectly pleasant if no one is asking anything of her, but the second she is told what to do, an argument ensues. With DH, she can be calm, have conversations, act normal, whereas with me, she either chooses not to talk or to argue. However, there are still plenty of times when she will argue with every last ounce of her energy with him as well. To me, I think that the behavior problems could stem from a disorder, especially because BM also has bipolar disorder, and I know the likelihood of her having it is greatly increased. But I have worried that SD wants so much to be like her mom and to have an excuse for the behavior that takes it out of her control - her mom is also a master manipulator and liar. I discussed it with my own counselor the last time, and she said she is very cautious about diagnosing children with bipolar, but that a good idea might be to take her to a therapist, explain the background, and ask that she be seen for a period of six months or so to determine whether her bad behavior is just that, or if there is an underlying cause like bipolar. Also, like JMT said, the behavior doesn't happen in a bubble. She does not control her chattering at school and was in trouble several times last year (not severe trouble, as in sent to office, but enough to be constantly distracting to teacher and classmates, and it was mentioned again at Parent/Teacher conferences this year. The only other person who is ok with the behavior besides BM and consistently defends it is her GM (MIL). SD goes to her telling her how we took away this or that privilege and makes it appear that we are just out to get her. For instance, SD wanted to participate in an activity that requires practice, so we said that she could participate if she put in the practice beforehand. She did not practice the entire time, but when she spoke with MIL about it, she tells it as though we simply have unreasonable expectations that she cannot meet so we will just take away the activity anyway. All we wanted her to do was practice, put in some effort. So MIL calls DH and tells him that she is just too discouraged and we do not care, and will we care when she commits suicide. That is quite offensive to me, since I feel that is all we have tried to do is encourage and give opportunities to do activities or even earn them back if she has lost them. At this point, I feel emotionally wiped out from all the drama that is constantly stirred up. Just yesterday, she was playing with something that is not a toy, I talked to her dad about it, and he gave me the go ahead to ask her not to play with it, or take it if she was not listening (he was leaving for work, SD was not awake). I talked to her about it and she said, well I need to talk to Daddy about that, and she said that once more later on in the day. I said, that is good - we have already discussed this matter, but do talk to him about it - in fact from now on any time you need anything, even something as small as a snack, go talk to your dad about it, and if he is at work and you can't get a hold of him then too bad. I guess that is how it will be from now on. She doesn't think I have a say, and I will be perfectly fine letting DH handle it. .

Seems to just be a random post with no return? Scrub it!. We have all lived, well at least i have, in rentals when young. Scrub and scrub. A degreaser with lots of rinsing with water and scrub again. Your friends are hanging in the kitchen because that is where the booze is, lol. A nice thrift store bar cart parked just outside the kitchen in the living room might help social flow. Does your landlord know about the ceiling? Is another tenant upstairs? Or is your bathroom upstairs? A slow leak needs to be fixed. A scrape and paint is just a 'bandaid' solution hiding the festering disease. It could be a simple tub caulking with a bad shower curtain above. And like mentioned could be a serious heath hazard. I would not spend much money. Some landlords will chip in with paint purchase if you do the work. Just ask. It does need scrubbing first. Even the best primer might struggle with all the grease buildup. Visit sites like retro-renovation and apartment therapy for easy low cost ideas. You do not need to spend lots of cash to have an adorable kitchen. Clean, un-cluttered, a fresh batch of solid towels, pale blue, red, orange. Maybe your rent is low but don't be afraid to ask. Or let them know about a leak. If they don't care, just scrape the ceiling and make do with cleaning. Save your money to move on...asap. Move the microwave to the booze counter next to the fridge. Invest in a few things that you can take with you. A nice big cutting board, next to stove. Bon Ami and Bar Keepers Friend are good powder cleaners that do not scratch surfaces. It is such a cute kitchen and tons of storage. And the fridge opens in the correct direction! (so rare, lol) Take a very wet sponge and soak the wallpaper border a few times over a few hours. (in a small test spot). It might just peal off easy, especially if the paint is an old hard glossy oil. And do not paint without telling your landlord. He just might have paint from other projects that he is willing to give for nothing. If your cabinets and walls are greasy and old oil paint, they need proper prep. Primer before an inexperienced latex application. It will peel and be a bigger mess. Relationships and friends are so much more important. Embrace what you have...but at least scrub it! (should take about 4-6 hours.)

While I do like Aldi's method of the quarter, I keep thinking of the comedian that came on stage the one time saying Look what I just bought for only a quarter!!! And I see there's a quarter in there for me too so it's free! But it does help get carts returned. I'm not sure what that woman's intention was by going in and talking to a manager about the cart hitting her car. Not going to get a settlement lady, ain't gonna happen. But I do applaud you for giving the other side of the story. Many stores need more of the cart collection areas though. Several times when there's a cart in a parking spot I've just given it a nudge with the bumper. I usually am pretty good about returning carts and often take one just to hang on to since it's harder to get around, it's easier walking holding onto a cart. My complaint though, it the ever narrowing width of parking stalls and people that park on the line. Last week I was at a drug store and was going through a couple things before I went in and some goofball pulls up next to me leaving about 10" between the vehicles. Parked over the line. Irritating.

I love making soil. I love it even more when someone else is doing most of the work for me. I'm itching to start some spring planting in my tiny garden, but it's technically still a bit early (our last frost date is supposed to be around the 18th or so, but these days who even knows) and I'm impatiently waiting for the contractors to show up and replace my rotted fence before I can do any planting in the back half where the pile of rock mulch over weed cloth used to be. The fence would have rotted anyway, but the bottom of it was completely eaten away where the rock mulch was piled against it. I have already put down a tiny new tree (Amelanchier x "Autumn Brilliance") which arrived bare root and needed to go in the ground ASAP, but it's not next to the fence, so it should be fine as long as the fence guys don't step on the 18 inch high forked stick which, seen with my eye of faith, is already a handsome small patio tree. The tree went in the spot where the old, scrawny, unhealthy cherry plum used to be, where I have been piling vermicompost and leaves ever since last summer. I didn't amend the planting hole at all - just dug and filled in. Enough leaf mold and vermicompost just fell into the hole to make me feel fine about the start my new tree's roots are getting. Anyway, the "someone else" who is working for me outside is a healthy passel of earthworms, which I can see out there every time I pull back last autumn's leaf mulch, which I diligently collected from the sidewalk in front of my row house and brought out back. Even if I can't set to work yet, I like knowing that they're hard at it. I've seen some of my red wigglers who rode out from my indoor worm bin, and at least three separate species of native earthworms: slow gray short guys, some really huge red nightcrawler types, and a longer, thinner, super-active wiggly worm that's new to me. I've also scattered out some seeds and grains for the sparrows and squirrels, inspired by some videos of composting chickens I've watched on Youtube: so there's been lots of pecking and scratching and digging going on in the layer of leaves, which is both fun to watch and will serve to further shred down the leaves for incorporation in the soil. When I do get to the planting along the back fence, I'll try to remember to post a soil pic as a "before and after" to the one at the start of this topic.