My stepdauher is so hateful

11 years ago

I have been married for 4 years now. I have been with the father for almost 8 years. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. A daughter who is 18 and a son who is 16. The son and I get along great! However his daugher is just so disrespectful. The daughter just had a baby a few days ago and told the father that i am not allowed to be around the baby. She also recently started talking to him. When she first got pregnant she called her dad (who she only calls when she wants something) and asked him "if I pick out some sweatpants from VS can you like flip the bill" we responded we will give you money if you come over and help us with some chores. Well she lost it told us how much she hated us and how aweful we were ect, and then stopped talking to both of us, all over sweatpants! The problems really started once she entered highschool. She refused to get a job, didn't do well in school, would post inapportiate things in Facebook and Twitter, smoked pot, and then got pregnant her senior year. She would only contact us when she wanted to go shopping or needed something, and then when I would take her she wouldn't even thank us, just acted like it is our duty as parents to buy her things, even at 18! She will text my husband things like well when you get a divorce you will have no one, and then how she can't wait for me to leave, ect. When I would talk to my husband about it he would be like well what do you want me to do, I have no control over her she doesn't live here so I can't help it. The last four years with her has been nothing but a nightmare. I have talked to my husband about these issues to nauseam. Recently I tried to talk to him about how hurt I am by all of this and he called me a drama queen and got mad that I am putting him in the middle of it. Its like I am not allowed to have my feeling be hurt by her! I am just can't take it anymore, everytime I hear her name I just get so mad. I recently even block my husband on Facebook so that I don't have to see him post stuff about her because it just makes me so upset. Currently he is like well let me just deal with her, but he has said this before and he just tip toes around the issue, and will say things like well you need to be nicer to her. I understand that he cant make her like me but I just feel like he has never set any boundries and allows her to treat me however she wants and just throws his hands in the air and is like well what else can i do. So I guess my question is what else can we do? Should I just cut her out of my life and set boundries for myself? Or should I try and push my husband to do more?

Featured Answer

sylviatexas1

11 years ago

not thinking about how he feels?

how he feels about what?

about being badly treated by a partner's child?

about not getting any back-up from his partner?

about having his feelings trivialized & ridiculed?

I used to have a little test that I applied if/when I couldn't tell if I was entitled to my hurt feelings or if they were indeed "too sensitive" or even "paranoid", as they were described by the one who'd hurt me.

I'd ask myself:

*Would he treat a total stranger this way?"

amazing how it sometimes clarified things.

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Comments (9)

sylviatexas1
11 years ago
I'm so sorry.

I learned an extremely useful little mantra right here on this very forum:

"Not my circus,

not my monkeys."

Disengage.

Let her father "deal with" her.

Have no comments to make, no opinions to offer, no money to contribute, no "daughter" ideas at all in your pretty little head.

This won't do a thing to change anybody else's behavior, but it'll give you some breathing space.

There are two things I do think need to be addressed or investigated:

1) Your husband needs his pants kicked.

He does say he's ready, even begging, for his daughter to be solely his responsibility.

But.

You're his wife/partner as well as a decent human being with whom he lives & to whom he owes respect, support, & common decency.

Part of that formula means nobody else gets to trashmouth you, yet he hasn't (doesn't sound like he has, anyway) told his daughter to behave like a civilized human being.

2) His daughter's anger sounds really out of proportion to anything that's going on in her life *that you & her father know about*.

Lately I've seen & heard of so many instances of a daughter being manipulated, mistreated, sabotaged, abused by a new man in her mother's life.

& so many times the young girl either tries to tell her mother & gets nowhere, or she's too embarrassed to tell her mother, or the guy has so much control over her (blackmail, etc) that she can't tell anybody, & so her anger doesn't explode all over the person who's making her life miserable;

it explodes over a safer target.

Again, I'm so sorry, & I hope things get better.
Michelle Martin
Original Author
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thank you for the response, and I love the mantra!!! Another issue that he is bringing up it saying I am selfish for putting him in the middle. He says all I am doing is talking about my emotions and not thinking of how he feels about this. I understand that this is hard for him but that's doesn't make me feel more or less upset about the whole thing. I'm starting to feel like I just bit off more than I can chew.... While her mom and I dont see eye to eye on everything I really don't think she lives in an unsafe place, but things like that can happen anywhere and is something he needs to maybe talk to her about.
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cacocobird
11 years ago
He is her father -- he belongs in and you belong out. Take care of yourself.
Michelle Martin
Original Author
11 years ago
Interesting so you think I should have nothing to do with his children?
htwo82
11 years ago
My partner and I had a few bumps in the communication road when he felt like he had to "fix" something every time I was upset. In reality, I just needed to vent, and have my feelings be heard. I've been upset over things bio mom has said and done and I would cry to him and he felt as if he had done something wrong. All it took was for me to explain that I know it's not his fault, but I just needed to feel understood.

It sounds like you and your husband are on the fast track to divorce if you don't separate this problem from your marriage. In reality, his daughter is NOT your problem, nor does it need to be included in your marriage. Cut her out of your life, period. Do not go on family shopping trips together, don't offer to babysit, don't allow her to communicate with you AT ALL. And remember, It's YOUR marriage, not hers. You're allowing her to get exactly what she wants by making your marriage problems about her. Your husband needs to be the ONLY one that reads her texts, takes her phone calls, communicate via FB, takes her shopping, etc. She is not your responsibility. For as ineffective as your husbands reactions to your feelings may be, he's right in one thing...he cannot control the things she says or does. What he can do is set boundaries and tell her "I will not allow you to talk about my wife that way" and then be prepared to follow through with the consequences. If he's unwilling to do that, you both need to decide if that's acceptable and if it is - help each other out, meaning; You stay out of it and he doesn't relay her nasty messages regarding her feelings for you, to you. If it's not acceptable...then it's time to decide where you go from here.

As for her not allowing you around her child...Why? What's her concern? Is there more to the story? Does your husband get time alone with his grandchild? *note, it's HIS grandchild, not yours...and what do you feel your role in that child's life "needs" to be?

I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh, but as a step mom myself, I've done a lot of self help. I've grown up, so to speak, and realized that I knew this was a thankless job when I entered the relationship, and that my priority is first and foremost the healthiness of my relationship with my partner....NOT his kids. My job is to support him, allow him to have a parental relationship with his kids and take the scraps I'm given - without self pity. While I'm lucky to have a great relationship with his kids, I can't force them to like me and if that day ever comes, I have to accept it - regardless of why, what, when, etc.
Michelle Martin
Original Author
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Yes this has caused a lot of stress in our marriage. Honestly I used to try and talk to her about the stuff I didn't agree with when she was young but I stopped a while ago. When she first got pregnant I offered her a paid internship at my work since she didn't have a job and she didn't respond. I have taken her shopping many times and her dad sees her more now then he did before we got together. I think this is why I am so upset I just don't understand. When we asked her why she was so mad everything was monetary, you didn't buy me this, didn't take me here, ect. At the time of the sweat pant incident we were paying for her cell phone and after serveral disrespectful comments to me and her father we decided that we wernt going to pay for a devise that she uses to disrespect us( she got on he grandmas plan 2 days later). After that she stopped talking to us for a few months. Now she will only talk to my husband and tells him I am not evern allowed around. Inam thinking she is acting like this because maybe she feels like she can get more things if it's just her dad, her mom also talks bad about me to her, and it's is easier for her to take her anger out on me instead of my husband. I know I'm not perfect and I am trying not to paint that picture but growing up my dad left me and when I met my husband I made sure the kids were never left out. It's just so upsetting I have never had anyone in my life hate me this much....I just don't know anyone personally in this boat...
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
It doesn't matter why she does it.

What matters is that she's allowed to do it.
Stephanie Stokes
11 years ago
Many times we try to get the steps to be a part of our new marriage by doing for them, treating them like we would our friends or our own kids. They are not our friends, though someday they might be, and they are not our kids. You and Hubby do need to come together on how anyone should treat either of you. I would not allow my bio daughter from 1st marriage to treat my husband with disrespect anymore than I would allow one of my friends to. That doesn't mean that either of us have a great relationship with each others kids and our own daughter gets caught in the middle at times too. That is the worse part of being a blended family. But by Hubby dealing with his kids and making the decisions and respecting me to do the same for mine allows us to disengage from the feelings of anger. I was once told that anger is not a true base emotion but a combination of hurt and frustration. When you get slapped (not literally) up side the head from a child or adult child of a person you love, it's like being told you are not good enough. Of course that is going to hurt. The divorced parent should let their own kids know that they are now married to another person and the kids need to show respect for that other person. If they (the kids) don't like it, then they need to make a decision on if they want their parent to be a part of their lives. You both DESERVE this respect from each other and any kids involved in the marriage. We have been married now almost 30 years and it took us a while to get to this point, but now I would not change a thing. I am able to love the steps without worrying if it is 'good enough', I am able to set boundaries to where I feel comfortable enough to say no. I even encourage Hubby to spend time alone with his kids. Lunch or golfing etc. But you both have to be on the same page in supporting your marriage as if hubby refuses to set those boundaries with his kids, I would have to wonder what shape the marriage is in. I do know that many times a divorced parent has feelings of guilt for the fact that their kids are products of a divorced family but they need to get over that or the kids will ruin any chance of that parent to find happiness.

My stepdauher is so hateful

sylviatexas1

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My stepdauher is so hateful

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