Hurt Feelings
vicsgirl
9 years ago
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party_music50
9 years agograndmamary_ga
9 years agoRelated Discussions
To hotel - without hurting feelings
Comments (18)This really is a tough situation. I almost didn't reply but I feel like I should back up britbritmay. I think if I were in your shoes (or your sister's) I would let my father stay with me. When my oldest was born my parents came (they aren't divorced and were there together) and my very "non-domestic" father, was actually a big help! I was surprised. He got up with the baby, cleaned up after dinners and was just there for us. It was nice. I don't know if there is a way to send him to a hotel without hurting his feelings. Maybe suggesting a short visit would be more appropriate: "Maybe you should keep the first visit short and give mom and baby time to adjust". I am going on the assumption that your father won't actually expect large home cooked meals and turn down service from your sister each evening. I sure hope he is more reasonable than that. Your sister should say, "Dad, I am not up to cooking and cleaning so you'll be on your own quite a bit and will certainly have to pitch in and help"! I don't think that he should be relinquished to a hotel though. Your sister may be thankful to have him there. I know I was when my father came. Having another adult around gave me a chance to take a shower or go for a walk alone if I wanted. I remember thinking, "I can't leave this little baby with Dad, but then I realized, Wait a minute! He took care of ME didn't he?!?!" I turned out okay... Now my "non-domestic" Dad watches my kids for me whenever I need him too. He still doesn't LIKE diapers, but he can do it! Let us know how this is handled Bill, I am curious! P...See Morehurt feelings
Comments (5)Colleen summed it up. My dear nephews did the same thing. Their mom wasn't a nurturer, doesn't have a maternal bone in her body, and I had them every evening after work and all weekends long though they did sleep at her home except for weekends. She rarely heard them call me anything as they were always at my place, but one Christmas, the youngest made me go inside to her parents' home where she was. He said, "Mommy, look at this!" w/ exuberance over a little car she had bought him (she never did very much for the boys so when she bought them anything, it was a big deal to them.) Anyway, the next day, he looked down and sadly said, "Mommy, my 'nother mother' told me I could never call you 'Mommy' again. Is that OK?" I said, "Honey, I'll always be your 'Aunt Mommy'and I'm your Godmother, but your 'nother mother' had her feelings hurt and that's all. You can call me 'Aunt Dana' or just 'Dana'." He was relieved, slipped a few times afterwards, etc. It was sad, but I don't hold it against her. She was jealous, etc. The BM in your case is just a little pathetic w/ her inability to get it together. Hearing them refer to you as "mom" was a blatant reminder of just how unavailable she has been to the children. It's very sad. Anyway, I fully understand your frustration, but please ignore it and don't ask the kids about it, etc. I bet they go back to calling you mom when they return. If not, it's because she has put a guilt trip on them and again, as hard as it may be, just go w/ it. The poor kids willingly called you "mom" because there's a lot more to being a "mom" than giving birth. Most women can be a mother, but not everyone earns the title of 'mom.' They figured that out on their own so rest assured that they know on some level your level of commitment to them. The kids are conflicted. Their grandparents might even have had a talk w/ them. What ever happened w/ the plane and dates? D...See MoreHow much INCLUSION is necessary??
Comments (22)Funny this thread should surface now...we finally took the long-awaited "family photo" last Friday! I had them do a group photo of all of us, one of all 4 boys, then 1 of the 2 DSSs and 1 of our 2 DSs. I even ordered a 5 X 7 of DSSs for BM! I cannot imagine DH would ever go for a photo of us and our 2 DSs w/o the DSSs. I would feel guilty even for suggesting it. Planning is still a nightmare, even more so, as you may have seen from my recent posts. Just trying to get the picture in was a struggle, giving that BM kept changing when she wanted DSSs back from T'giving visitation (which by Ct. order was to last 'til Sunday but got cut short on Friday, another story!) DH is coming around to doing things like taking trips w/o the SKs but he is only willing to do that if it is unavoidable. That is the best I think I'm going to get. Also, for the question of why was DH checking DSS's e-mail. He was checking it b/c, suddenly a boy who has been nothing but talkative, outgoing and happy-go-lucky his entire life was quiet, withdrawn and like he was in pain the whole time he was around us. We feared he might be using drugs or involved in some other destructive behavior. I have always thought that good, caring parents keep tabs on their children in ways like that in times like that. I don't think 13 year-olds have an expectation of privacy when it comes to things like that. I would much rather find out if something is going on and have him upset that we snooped than remain in the dark and accept his blanket response of "nothing" every time he is asked what is wrong. I bet every parent of a child who has committed suicide has wished they had snooped a little more (recognizing that sometimes it would not have made a difference, but sometimes it might have.) I say that as an adult who attempted suicide as a teenager almost 30 years ago. I certainly wish my parents had paid more attention to what I was doing and how I was acting and had investigated it more. I thank God that I wasn't successful. I think DH did the right thing, and I will do the same thing with my DSs if the situation warrants it. I am no expert on this, but I do feel strongly that it was the right thing. However, I would be interested in hearing other opinions....See MoreHurt Feelings - Am I wrong
Comments (32)I certainly don't blame you for feeling hurt and offended. I could MAYBE see not inviting only some kids in a family if, say, it weren't a close relative; say, former next door neighbors, whose two older kids grew up with the groom, but the steps came along after the families moved apart -- something like that. Or a family where the parents are invited as a couple, and only the child who is friends with the bride. In that case, I would sort of look at it like the parents being invited as a couple, and the kids who are invited being sort of invited on their own. Whole families don't always have to be invited to everything. But here we are talking about a very close relative. Unless this is a VERY small wedding -- like, if the ONLY first cousins invited are your stepsons -- I really think they should have invited all your kids (at least, all those over any age cutoff they have). So first I would ask: is that the case? Are all the other "blood" first cousins invited? Is there any other wild card factor, like the bride's family having made some "rule" about inviting steps, perhaps due to some weirdness in HER family? But let's say it's not -- it's just an exclusion of your kids. I'm back to my first statement: I can sure understand how you'd feel hurt, rejected, and offended, and they were wrong not to invite them. Still ... I think it would be a mistake to boycott the wedding. Yep, they were wrong. But ask yourself if you wouldn't feel better about yourselves if you take the high road and attend anyway. If you don't go, it will put a cloud over the wedding. Think of your gracious attendance as an additional gift to the bride and groom (who may have WANTED to invite all the boys, by the way) and also a gift to your husband -- helping him not to create a rift between him and his family (if his parents and other siblings are alive, think how upset and torn they will be if this becomes a drama). It doesn't make you a chump or disloyal to your boys. It makes you the bigger person, a lady who acts with grace and dignity even when others do not. Try not to ask about their decision or to communicate your feelings about it, to them or to anyone that might repeat it to them. As right as you are, their wedding means more to them than to anyone else, including you, and even though they behaved badly, you will seem petty and self-centered. I know this isn't easy to do. But I think you will never regret it....See MoreChi
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