OK,I'am not sure why you would have another child thinking that it would help you feel better towards the ex wife. I also think this is a VERY unhealthy obsession for you. Obviously your husband didnt love her that much or couldnt get along with her or he would still be with her. Is she like,overly attractive or something? And you feel bad about yourself,so you think your husband still wants her? See,I just dont think you'd obsess so much if it was ONLY about the kids. Obviously you are feeling bad about yourself for other reasons. After having your own daughter,cant you see the bond between mother and child and how she will always love you??? Even though you are raising your husband's kids,and you probably do a darned good job,how can you even wonder why they still love their mom so much? Children always idolize their parents and put them on a pedastool. It is not until they become teengers that they start disagreeing with them and seeing them in a different way. Also,because they dont see their mom so much it allows them to see her through "rose colored glasses". Seems like the parent who isnt around as much is the one the kids talk about more because they miss them. Personally,I have always felt the need to defend my own mother as well. Even as kids,and we know our parents do things wrong,they are still our parents and we dont want ANYONE saying bad things about them.My own daughter treats me the same...If I'm feeling really down and I'm like,"Oh I"m so ugly today" My daughter is defensive and she is like,"No you arent mommy!!! And if anyone says it I'll tell them to mind their own business!" When these kids grow up,they will see how you cared for them and were the stable part of their lives that they needed so much. But NO MATTER WHAT their mom ever does,they may always defend her and love her. I can see how it may still be a little hard for you to understand because your own daughter is only a baby still. Wait until she gets older and you'll see how "mommy can do no wrong" in the eyes of a child who loves them. I think you're being too hard on yourself,and instead of focusing all this wasted time and energy on The EX,you should put that energy into something positive and I think you will start to feel better about yourself.

I want to bring up something that no one probably wants to consider, but should be considered, considering it is a reality with the elderly and the handicapped. Note: I am not implying anything...but if she is so resentful of you, and she is cold and indifferent to your sister, how do you think she treats your sister when no one is around? Is you sister able to communicate with you? The small gifts may be given to make your step mother look good in your fathers eyes. They may be to cover guilt. Or they may be perfectly innocent and come with good and kind intentions. I don't know, but consider all possibilities. My guess is that she adores your father, but resents the burden of your sister. And perhaps she is deeply bitter and resents your happy carefree life, while she struggles with the hard reality of caring for a totally dependant person, who is not her own offspring. (It is hard enough when it is your own child/sibling whom you love dearly, let alone when it is the enormous burden of being the caretaker for someone you do not love, but resent. Possibly even despise. She must wish that she was free as you are to enjoy her life and husband as you do with yours, without all of the responsibilities. A marriage with just your dad, able to go out to dinner alone together on a whim, enjoying a social life on a whim with friends, travel, hobbies/interests, and having her home all to herself whenever she wants. That is probably where the resentment and bitterness comes from. Perhaps she feels that you should be the full time caretaker of your beloved sister, (even though that may not be possible right now) and that she wishes that she and your dad had the carefree life of a normal marriage. Even when you are able to care for your sister one day, I would not expect her feelings towards you and your sister to change. As you read the step parent forum, you will find so many who describe their husband as wonderful. They adore their new spouse "BUT" hate his children. This seems to particularly true when the new wife gets pregnant with "their" child. The new wife then wants to push his children out of her "nest", and resents everything about them. (Read the forum). It sounds as if she wishes she had your dad all to herself...only you and your sister do exist, and she resents it. Like so many women on this forum, they are marrying a man that "first belonged" to another family with children. They want to pluck him out of his role as a father, move him to her nest and make him a father to her own children, and push his children further and further away, until she finially has him all to herself...hurting his chilren in the process. This she actually does to the man she professes to love. Anyway, you sound like an incredibly kind and loving person. And forgiving. Understand that her feelings towards you are probably not personal...but instead it sounds as though she is not the kind of woman who is able to embrace another womans children as her own, even if they did not come with the caretaking your sister needs. All you can do is help her and your dad in any way you can. I wish the best for you.

Sunny, One of the things that my husband agreed to early on in our marriage, is that if one of our kids wants/needs the step parent to do things for them (because the parent can't), then the child has to ask the step parent, not the parent. When my son wanted a co-signer on a car, I couldn't help him because I had just started my own business. I talked to my husband and he agreed to help but I felt that my son should ask him, not me. My son did ask him and got the car with my husband's help. My husband does the same with his daughter. If she wants something from me, she has to ask me. She still asks him all the time and he tells her, 'you have to ask SM'. My sons got angry a while back because they don't like when my husband has an opinion about anything. They think he should stay out of 'our life' but then I remind him that he's my husband and he is a part of 'our life' and I remind him of the things my husband contributes and that they don't mind when he does something where they benefit. They don't like it but they know it's true. What your husband should have told his daughter is that she would need to ask you to cook the food because he doesn't know how or can't do it all by himself. It really is up to the parent to expect their children (even adult ones) to respect their spouse enough to ask for themselves instead of going through the parent. It's much easier for kids to let themselves believe that their parent is doing everything for them and they don't need the step parent if all they have to do is ask the parent who then asks the step parent. Then they don't really appreciate the step parent because they can tell themself that their parent is the one doing everything for them. It's funny that my son will ask me for something and when I say, you need to ask stepdad yourself... he'll decide 'I don't really need it.' He has been giving my husband a hard time and would rather go without than ask my husband, well, that's HIS problem, not mine.

Diane, You mentioned more than once that you wish the older daughter that has you so unhappy, would be consistent toward you. If she were consistent with you, you would be better able to cope with her. You would have a better idea about what to think of her and how to respond, etc. Is this a good summation? This girl's behavier could be simply normal. Please don't attack me--let me explain why I think that. (I don't like the word normal--when referring to people--but I don't know a better word without going into some long monologue.) One day a kid will enjoy silly games, and the next day sees silly games as babyish. One day a girl will want a cell phone and the next day rant for a popsicle. I've noticed this kind of thing with girls much more than with boys. Maybe you have some very good examples. Maybe this girl has passed this stage. You described a girl that knows how to be sweet to you when you are doing something that she likes, but will show serious disrespect at other times. The bad part, on your part, is that you are responding with feelings that show you take her behavier personal. I can hear you saying, 'of course!'. I don't want to say that you are not partly responsible for the way the girl thinks of you and it would be accurate to take some behaviers personal, but I'll bet there is much more to her behavier than what you are responsible for. If you want to respond better, then you need to understand her better and how the two of you are relating to each other (counseling). Just because you go out to work and provide for the family, shop, do laundry, etc., etc., etc., children do not think of you as you think of yourself. You have to get this. Same with you and your husband. Just because you think you are good at communicating (or whatever) doesn't mean that is what he thinks of you. Your identity seems to be wrapped up in how people treat you. When that goes on, then you end up feeling like a yo-yo. You feel good if people treat you good and feel lousy if people don't respond to you the way you think they should. The person that needs to be consistent is you. Please understand that you control your behavier and what you think. Let me explain a little more. Here is a common story. A guy worked very hard at keeping his property well taken care of, his home was always kept repaired, he did a great many chores around the home--probably outworked every guy on the street. He was gone for 10/12 hours a day with his job, took care of the cooking a couple times a week, spent time studying the markets and invested his money wisely, took care of the budget, went to kid's football gamesto watch his kids in the marching band, payed for his kids to have music lessons for years and years, and all that you might think his family would appreciate, and hardly ever did anything that was relaxing--except have a few beers once in a while. His family liked him, or at least he thought they did, and everyone seemed to like their life. All seemed fine. One day this hard working, great guy gets an envelope delivered to him--one Saturday. Beautiful day! Guess what he was being served--yup! His sweet wife that he had been pampering and running his butt off for since day one was having him served with papers. Why? She didn't get enough attention and she found the kind she wanted some place else. Something called mental cruelty. No joke--he didn't think that his life being screwed with was anything he ever deserved. He didn't know that he didn't know his wife; he didn't know that he didn't know his kids. He didn't know that he was just making himself happy. Whatever. He didn't know he was self-absorbed. He just thought that he was doing all the things a good husband, provider, and father should do. So while he felt pretty good about himself--his family were strangers to him. Should you feel sorry for this guy or for his family? I'm only trying to make the point that the way you see yourself may not be the way you are perceived by another person. Maybe everyone else treats you ok, but this one person does not--and the rejection or whatever you want to call it, is causing you too much pain. I strongly advise you to get counseling. You may be headed for some depression or some other kind of stress that will end up taking a toll on your health, your life, your job or something. If you can't get your family into counseling--then go just by yourself. You need the kind of relief that does not come by a good nite sleep, or a vacation, or by reading a good book on what goes on in the mind, etc. The kind of help you need will take time. No doubt in my mind that you will enjoy your experience and become a much happier, better person.