"I think under the circumstances she should live with mom. I don't know if mom pursued it though." Nope. Her mom has not pursued it. The court has basically tied her hands by requiring her to have an evaluation done (because she lied to the mediator & coached SD to lie to the mediator, so the mediator declined to make a recommendation) first... at her expense ($6,000) She has already told DH she does not have any money... of course she has since had another baby too. The only way she can go live with her mom at this point is if DH hands over custody. He is not willing to do that.. for a few reasons. (and money is not one of them) 1. When BM left SD, she also left her older DD with grandma. Coincidentally, BM claims older DD came to live with her at the beginning of this school year... the exact same time grandma moved to the town where BM lives. DH & I believe older DD is still living with grandma, but maybe using BM's address for school there so BM can 'prove' her older DD lives with her. If she wanted her kids with her, wouldn't she try to make that happen? If DH were to send SD to live with her mom, there's a very good chance that SD would end up living with others... grandma or BF's mother & not with BM. 2. DH is watching closely what is happening with older DD. She is wearing heavy make up & provacative/tight/trashy clothes at age 14. She looks 19. BM and/or Grandma allow her to use the computer/internet unsupervised... unless one of them is watching her at 1am-2am when she is posting things on FB. and BM's BF has two sons, right around the same ages as BM's daughters... and the older one left what DH considers inappropriate comments on older DD's FB page... and BM commented too, showing she knows about it but instead of having them remove the comments, she added to it... because she is more of a 'friend' to her than a parent. 3. BM has shown absolutely no concern for the things that DH feels are important for SD. SD is being assessed for ADHD, BM is choosing to not be involved at all. SD is failing in most of her classes, BM has chosen not to come to school conferences or meetings. If BM has no concern for what is happening in SD's life right now, why would that change if SD were living over there? As for spending my day with people I resent... DH gets SD up and out of the house while I am getting ready for work. I may say good morning if I see her. She now goes to after care until after I get done at work.. I pick her up at 6pm, her dad gets home around 6:30 or 7. I make dinner, she sits in her room. I play with the baby, she sits in her room. I watch TV, she sits in her room. DH comes home & she calls him into her room... he checks her binder, they talk & he goes to get cleaned up for dinner... she sits in her room. Dinner is served, she sits at the table... usually with her hand on the side of her face so I can't see her and she can't see me. She finishes her dinner & says thank you, and goes back to her bedroom until it's time for her to take her shower & get ready for bed. Nobody 'makes' her stay in her room. She is welcome to come into the living room and join the family... we have told her that many times. She usually declines. But, she has also told her mother that we make her stay in her room, eat her dinner alone, we won't let her play outside or we make her play outside in an electrical storm... whatever she needs to get a reaction from BM. It's a sad existence and life for a little girl... and a far cry from before her mom moved away or when she first lived here full time. She would ask me to take her to her friends house to play, or the park.. or we would go shopping & have lunch. I used to take her to girl scouts, karate, dance & swim lessons... and quite often, BM would get her panties in a twist that I am doing "mom" things and taking karate is only going to confuse her... because BM had taken her to tae kwon do & "it's a completely different form of martial arts that leaves SD confused" and BM insisted SD didn't want to do it, even though SD told us she did.... that is the kind of BS we have had to deal with when we try to do anything with SD. We looked into religious education, hoping she could get something out of it. DH is Catholic, BM is Presbyterian. We want her to learn about the ten commandments & the golden rule... we are not practicing Catholics, but the church has a youth group & we thought it was a good idea. BM found out, called DH yelling at him that SD is not going to be Catholic because she is Presbyterian & religion follows the mother... all the while DH could hear SD in the background listening to her mother yelling at her father. (and I'm not interested in any debate on religion or on who has the right or doesn't have the right to choose the religion...) the point is that BM is not practicing any religion either & SD hasn't been exposed to either religion... in my opinion, it shouldn't matter if they both want to take their child to both churches... let her learn both and make up her own mind what she wants to believe. But, that is the kind of stuff BM says and does to keep us from doing anything with SD. We have had talks with her about the lying... breaking down, crying, heart to heart talks and she knows that it is unacceptable for her to tell lies about us (she has also lied about DH) and yet, she continues to do it. We understand WHY she does it. DH cannot stop her from talking to her mom... and he has tried to tell BM what SD is doing, but she takes a defensive position. (BTW, SD also lies about her mom spending time with her... she lies to make us look bad, and she lies to make her mom look good.) You wouldn't tolerate your DD running around, spreading lies... and your DD would probably not do it because she cares what you think. SD seems to only care what BM thinks, and BM is the one that has taught SD to lie.. she has even lied for SD. I don't necessarily dislike SD, I don't trust her and I dislike the way she treats me with the things she does. I agree it is a horrible way to live.. not pleasant for her, nor for me. I wish it could be different and maybe someday, she will want it to be different. As for her mother, she has used the excuse that she has no money for gas to come see her school play, watch her perform in band, cheer her at her track meets, or even come pick her up on Fridays... but then she went & had another baby that I am sure SD will begin to notice that when the baby needs things, BM finds the money for it. and of course BM has time for the baby... even though she hasn't really had time for SD for 3 years. I guess the saddest part is that BM does not want to have a close relationship or be involved in SD's day to day life, but she also does not want me to either. So, SD is the one that suffers with a miserable life. This is probably an extreme case, but this is what I mean when mom's are so hell bent on being angry at dad's or jealous/insecure of anyone else loving or being involved in their child's life, or just plain territorial... it hurts the kids in one way or another. The stepparent may or may not have a relationship with the child... I am not saying that without the mom's interference, the child would love or have a relationship with the stepparent... but it certainly closes the door to that possibility when the mom causes problems. There's nothing wrong with a mom feeling jealous/insecure or not wanting another woman having a relationship with their child... maybe those are natural, instinctual feelings. But, to act on them to prevent such a relationship from forming because it's YOUR child... is just wrong, in my opinion. and I apologize for the hijack & very long post.

Prior to DH and I getting married I had a wonderful relationshipp with my 10 year old SD. Her father is the custodial parent of her and three other children and has been since she was four years old - she has had an on again off again relationship with her mom since she left. I think that DSD was just as excited about our marriage as we were. We got married on December 15 and by Christmas she had declared an all out war against me trying to make sure that I understood her place in her dad's life. She did not like me sitting by him, kissing him (something she had seen plenty of times prior to our marriage) or being near him in any way. Everything was a struggle from who got to sit by him in the truck and at the dinnertable to her point blank asking him whom he loved the most. (He very diplomatically told her he loved us both the same amount for different reasons - NOT the answer she was looking for) We left for our honeymoon on December 26th and went to Disneyland taking all four of the kids with us and every single day and activity was a batttle for her dads attention. Sometimes I stepped back and let her have her time and others (like the time she insisted that he hold both of her hands, instead of one of each) I did not. She is a loving, sweet little girl that I love with all of my heart and I tried to place myself in her position and never battle back - just talk and explain and listen ans sometimes say "I'm sorry but this is the way that it is and this is the reason why." After just a couple of weeks she understood that I wasn't trying to take her place and she loved me again. Six weeks after getting married DH and I got a huge surprise and found out we were pregnant (while on the pill) We were thrilled, DSD was devastated and hysterical and again we just sat back and listened and explained and loved her and let her vent and sometimes rant and rave, and sometimes when she got out of hand we had to send her to her room to give her and us a moment to calm down and regroup. We knew we had to give her time and patience and understanding. Her dad never let her disrespect me in any way, and beleive me there were times I think she wanted me to go away and never come back, but she never said as much. It took her 4 months to accept the pregnancy and another month to admit she was happy - I am due November 7th and the first time she said anything about being excited about the baby was the fourth of July. I know for me sometimes it was hard not to get angry, and start telling her how she needed to be acting differently because of this and this and this, but then I would just remind myself how traumatizing all of these changes had to be for a child and would just sit back and bite my lips until the impulse passed. We now have the loving relationship (and friendship) that we had before and i am greatful everyday that I found the patience I needed to sit back and let her adjust. Hugs - Candy

your entitled to your opinion and if you let your kid eat dessert for their meal (not before the meal) then I'm sure they'll nominate you for mother of the year!!! congratulations. I didn't discuss anything with the counselor. SD told the counselor about getting sick & the counselor told me (later, when I was picking up SD) that maybe the mayo was bad. and it's interesting how you don't answer the ACTUAL question but change it to fit your agenda. The entire question is: "It would be interesting to see what would happen if a step mom gave your kids ice cream for breakfast and let them cook something for themselves (which required using a can opener) and they came home sick and throwing up. I guess you would do nothing, it's not your place to even mention it?" and assuming your child is 7 or 8 years old. Not a teenager.

You are a sweet stepdaughter. I hope this situation resolved itself well. I've sacrificed a lot for my stepkids in terms of money, time, opportunity, and other resources. They are now grown (very young adults...18, 20, and 21. I'm your age.) They're mostly kind and sweet...but I sense that they have a 'take me or leave me' kind of attitude. What I mean is, if I happen to be around, they're polite. But they text with their dad non-stop and have big group chats on different apps, and I'm not included on any of it. They never reach out to me first, though if I text or reach out to them, they're nice. I guess I feel sad because I've been in their lives since they were 7, 9, and 10...and I assumed that the good times we shared when they were kids would mean more to them now. I also have anxiety because their dad and I have worked really hard together and done pretty well for ourselves. We own everything jointly. He's 10 years older than me and likely to precede me...though I'd be happy to precede him. I don't do well without him and love their dad very much. We have mirror wills leaving everything to each other. I've heard enough horror stories from other stepmoms...and have seen first-hand entitled attitudes from stepkids...that I worry they'll contest and try to come after me for 'their inheritance' if their dad passes before me. That may be an unnecessary worry as they really are funny, nice kids...they just don't seem to care that much for me, despite all I've done for them. When we recently redid our wills, I even asked my husband to leave a small amount to each kid or a percentage of the estate so that they wouldn't feel left out. He said that he doesn't want me to worry or feel like I don't have enough to live on after everything I've done for him and his kids. Anyway. Say all this to say...I will be wrecked when I lose my husband and I am hoping I won't have to deal with any fighting. If I had a stepdaughter like you who so clearly cared about my feelings, that would be a great comfort to me in my grief. However, as another commenter mentioned, grief can do funny things to people, especially the loss of a much-loved life companion. It may be true that your stepmom is feeling insecure and lost and is expressing it poorly. I hope that's the case.