I'm also a mother and step mother. In my house, we have one set of rules for EVERYONE. SD goes to her mom's and she has her own way of doing things. We try to say nothing about it unless it affects her health.

for example: last weekend, SD came home feeling sick. We assumed it was stomach flu but SD said mom let her eat ice cream for breakfast and make her own lunch, a tuna sandwich. SD says she didn't drain the tuna all the way and it made her feel sick. She threw up later in the night so dad sent mom an email that he is concerned about the supervision. He mentioned CPS and mom called up denying everything. She said SD has stomach flu. She said that she drained the tuna for SD and yes, she had ice cream but ate cereal for breakfast first (which SD said she didn't). She said that SD had bruises all over her body when she picked her up and she had pictures because she was so concerned (yet she didn't call the police, which I would have done).

We now realize that it's going to do no good to confront this woman if she does these things. She denies it and makes threats (because she wants us to give her custody back).

My opinion is that the bio parent should discipline but there should be input from the step parent. It's YOUR home so you shouldn't feel like a prisoner in it. Try not to step on mom's toes and if possible, try to form some sort of friendship or alliance. That's not always possible if mom isn't willing but it never hurts to try. It's impossible to deny your input in decisions if it's going to affect you but try to let mom and dad make the decision. Dad should know your stand and should support it.

I'm probably going to hear from the bio moms that are going to disagree but I've been on both sides too and it's not easy being a step mom. I did not like that my son had a step mom that did things that I felt were MY right as a parent. He turned out okay and he will always love me. I'm always gonna be his mommy.

Imamommy, the question was what is stepmom's place in house, not how moms should try ot get along, but somehow, you feel a need to weigh in on that.

You did have one sentence of advice

"My opinion is that the bio parent should discipline but there should be input from the step parent"

There is more to a parent than discipline (and I know you know that), so why not more advice on the first question.

Correction kenny, the question was what is the stepmothers place in the "family" not just the house. There is a lot more to family than just a house.

well, you didn't understand my answer. A step mom's place in the house is next to her husband. THEY are the adults and form the rules. Kids don't "bring" the rules from their other house with them. My point is that it's the parent & step parent's home and they should rule the roost, not the kids or bio parent.

You are exactly right!!!

I never heard of anyone getting sick from not draining the tuna completely. Apparently you want YOUR rules to follow the SD to her mother's house - e.g. kids can't make their own sandwiches, food has to be eaten in a specified order (it may be unusual to eat desert before the meal, but it is actually better for your teeth). My oldest child started making peanut butter sandwiches when she was about 4.

Daughter threw up & dad "mentioned" CPS?

sounds like a lovely environment.

kkny, what do you like to be called?

I think a stepmoms place in the family depends on the situation. Each situation is different. Whatever the husband, kids, and stepmom feel comfortable with is what works. Unfortunately there is no recipe for success in this matter!

sylviatexas,

"Daughter threw up & dad "mentioned" CPS?

sounds like a lovely environment."

Doesn't it..

It is especially interesting because imamommy said that she previously worked in the social work field, so she should know better. Intimidation and wild accusations are not exactly conducive to a good parenting relationship. Are threats like this something that is suggested in the parenting classes that imamommy keeps recommending?

I can just see someone calling up CPS and saying, "My daughter's mother gave her tuna that hadn't been thoroughly drained. Drop all those cases where the parents are cooking up meth with the kids in the house and investigate this!" Yeah, right.

BTW, even my cats don't throw up after drinking several ounces of "tuna juice" straight, and they throw up at the drop of a hat.

Her place is whatever her and her husband feel comfortable with. Whether that is alot of hands on with his kids,or hardly any at all.
Whether she is creating the rules or just enforcing them~
It is whatever works for them in their situation.

this isn't the first incident so let me clarify. First issue that we had was a couple of weeks ago when SD went to mom's for a weekend and it was her first time meeting new BF's kids. He has two boys, age 9 & 11 and a girl aged 6. Mom's house is a one bedroom (actually it's a converted walk in closet that is used as a bedroom for BF's daughter) and mom & boyfriend sleep in a loft w/ no door. BF's son's sleep on a futon in the living room. SD also has a sister that's 12 and visits her mom too. All the kids were there and mom & BF decide to sleep in the living room that night and left all the kids to sleep in their room on the loft. Dad was concerned that his 8 yr old is sleeping on bed with 9 & 11 yr old boys. Her counselor advised dad to talk to mom and he sent her an email (she won't discuss anything on the phone) and she ignored it. Next week, she's telling SD that in a couple of months, she bringing her there to live with her & hadn't even discussed it with dad. Then, SD says she's been sleeping on the floor, on BF's daughter's bed, on the couch, or just anywhere she can I guess. We have been in the house and it is tiny. Mom originally told dad she was moving into a six bedroom house that BF owned and each kid would have a room of their own. She went as far as telling SD that "her" room was going to be painted her favorite colors, pink & brown. There are a lot more issues than just ice cream and tuna. The counselor even said that she might have had bad mayo, or if the tuna was packed in oil, it might make you sick after eating ice cream for breakfast (chocolate & coffee flavor) The mention of CPS was made in the context of "you haven't answered any of my emails or concerns and if I need to call CPS to protect my daughter, I will". He made it clear that he's not telling her how to run her house but that he's concerned about his daughter being supervised. If she wants to let the child make her own meals or eat what she wants, then does he say nothing when his daughter comes back throwing up and misses school. The school has a policy that the child cannot attend class until 24 hours after the last time they vomit, have a fever or diarreah. This is the second time she's come back sick in less than three months.

It would be interesting to see what would happen if a step mom gave your kids ice cream for breakfast and let them cook something for themselves (which required using a can opener) and they came home sick and throwing up. I guess you would do nothing, it's not your place to even mention it?

And yes, I worked in social services for ten years. In this situation, I doubt CPS would laugh at the situation as a whole. During the custody trial, it was discovered that mom, who shared a bedroom in her mom's house with both of her daughters, had been bringing her (now ex) boyfriend over to sleep with and SD said she saw them having sex. Since she was no longer with THAT guy, there wasn't much we could do finding out after the fact. It was even brought up at trial and since it happened in the past, they didn't really hold it against her.

I also believe it depends on the situation. My DH has had custody for almost 8 years, and I have known my SD since her birth. There were very few issues with me taking on a parental role (not that bio mom didn't try some crazy stuff!) and I have treated my SD like my own since day one. I actually had my first child a month after DH got custody, so our situation just fell together well as the two children were treated the same by the both of us. When we had our 2nd child together nothing changed, our family just grew. I believe a lot of this has to do with the way my DH handled it - he understood and appreciated what I had gone through with him in the custody fight, and he felt that if I treated his daughter as my own then I should be on the same "parental level" as he. I praise, I punish, I read bedtime stories, I coach, I help with homework. I make choices on sleepovers, privileges, etc.

Years ago my SD began calling me mom, and I stopped her for quite a while by trying to come up with a special name she could call me. Months went by and finally when I corrected her she started to cry and asked be why I didn't want to be her mommy. I have been mom ever since (except when she's mad at me because I said no to a sleepover!)

Your place is what you, your husband and your kids make it. And NO ONE here is in the same place.

Her place is whatever her and her husband feel comfortable with. Whether that is alot of hands on with his kids,or hardly any at all.

Exactly! My SK are adults now, but I had no interest in raising someone else's children. What they did or didn't do at their own mother's house or who biomom was dating - I never really considered that my business. Just as any husband of biomom's would have no say in what happens here (at least not that I know of, DH deals with her, I don't). After 19 years I still think of myself as a shoulder for DH to cry on when his kids or their mom are giving him grief.

My kids have come home sick after visiting their father, and no, I didn't mention it to him. They also get sick more often when they go to college. Anywhere that is a different environment with different germs is likely to lead to more frequent illness.

If your husband has genuine concerns, the last thing you want to do is confound them with petty issues like eating dessert before the meal. I can't believe that you would be discussing the possibility of bad mayonnaise with a counselor.

your entitled to your opinion and if you let your kid eat dessert for their meal (not before the meal) then I'm sure they'll nominate you for mother of the year!!! congratulations.

I didn't discuss anything with the counselor. SD told the counselor about getting sick & the counselor told me (later, when I was picking up SD) that maybe the mayo was bad.

and it's interesting how you don't answer the ACTUAL question but change it to fit your agenda. The entire question is:

"It would be interesting to see what would happen if a step mom gave your kids ice cream for breakfast and let them cook something for themselves (which required using a can opener) and they came home sick and throwing up. I guess you would do nothing, it's not your place to even mention it?"

and assuming your child is 7 or 8 years old. Not a teenager.

I did answer the question, but I will answer it again. She cooked the tuna? I eat it cold, don't you? I don't think my kids were strong enough to open a can with a can opener at that age, but if they had been, I would probably have let them make their own tuna sandwiches. I could hardly complain if my kids ate ice cream before breakfast once in a great while while visiting their father - I put grapenuts on ice cream and called it breakfast frequently when I was in college. How is it any worse than doughnuts or poptarts? And no, I didn't say anything about it when they came home sick. As I said before, that is common when you go to a new environment.

Ugh. Once again a case of bitter BM. The fact is, the child came home sick, she told her CP's that she'd had ice cream for breakfast, and had to make herself a tuna sandwhich (sorry I wouldn't let my child use a can opener at that age), and her CP's are concerned about the BM's supervision. BM's new BF has 3 kids and they're all crammed into a 1 BR home? DD is having to sleep with 9 & 11 year old boys? You don't see anything wrong with this?

Are you crazy? Or just mean? Hey, maybe both? I'd be furious! Yes, kids get sick, but ice cream for breakfast? If I said something like that or if Ima did, you'd be up in arms saying we're everything but female. Ugh. Just ugh.

Every family scenario is different, as my DH has full custody and we've had the boys since the youngest was in diapers, my role encompasses all things 'Mom'. DH and myself don't our approach dynamic with the skids any differently than we do with our three boys, and the 'big happy family' works well for us, but everyone is very accepting of each other, I know not all are as lucky.

Slowdown, I understand where you're coming from; I recall a few years back my SS used to come home from their BM's visitation with head lice (every time!) but hey, don't be too hard on BM at least she fed them SOMETHING right? -_-

I know if I ever fed my skids coffee ice cream for breakfast I would never hear the end of it...and maybe I'm over protective but I wouldn't let a seven year old use a can opener either.

she's determined to focus on the "part" of the message she can find to criticize instead of the whole picture. Notice how she focused on the word "cook" when perhaps I should have said "fixed". Missed the point completeley but tries to make it fit her agenda, once again.

Can we go back to the original question -- which I thought was a good one? What is a stepmothers place in the family? Depending on who has custody? Is she just with kids EOW? or Full time?

I think if children are raised full time by step-parents, it is very different from families where children only come visit EOW. In the second case I doubt step-parents play a very significant role. If children just visiting, it is pretty much the same as my niece comes visits me every other weekend. I do not try to act like her parent.

Also if BMs are abusive or neglectful then of course it is everybody's responsibility to interfer. But it seems like sometimes issues can be resolved by simply politelly asking and not threatening.

"I think a stepmoms place in the family depends on the situation. Each situation is different. Whatever the husband, kids, and stepmom feel comfortable with is what works."

I agree 100%. I think there are just so many variables in each situation that "one answer fits all" will never apply.

However, I doubt that I'd be as involved (discipline, schooling, everything!!) with my stepchildren if I didn't live with them full-time. I absolutely adored the children before I married their father and we had a great relationship but once we married and started living together, that's when the relationship was tested and the real bond with one another was formed - we could live together and not kill one another!!! LOL!! Through the ups and downs and ins and outs of daily life we built our own unique family foundation.