Hi LisaMarie, It's nice that I'm no longer the only one who is FSM to a child who is not biologically related to SO. In my case, the guy who got BM pregnant (and then threatened to kill her) has been in and out of jail for the past decade and has never met "his" son. My BF started seeing BM when A__ (now age 9) was a month or two old and they were together for three years. BF is the only dad A__ has ever had. Just a little forewarning for you, there are occasionally people (both on the board and in real-world) who won't respect your connection to FSD, since she is not biologically your FDH's daughter. Ignore them. Anyhow, moving along... I was pretty alarmed to hear that she doesn't know FDH isn't her biological parent. A__ knows that "Mom had a different boyfriend when she got pregnant with me, and Dad became my dad when I was a little baby". I don't think he really understands genetics (considering that he's 9) but it's good that he knows. I don't think now (with all the other turmoil) is a good time to spring on FSD that her dad isn't her dad... But it's definitely something that will have to be addressed soonish. IMO, it's better to tell her when she's young enough that she has to get over it because she depends on FDH for food and shelter and the like. Maybe that's an odd viewpoint though. Anyhow, I'm also a motherless daughter (although I lost mine to cancer when I was 16). I was done with my first period, first boyfriend, and first breakup. I was about to start grade 12 and I was doing well in school. I had siblings I was close to and didn't have to move... and it was still really hard to figure out my place and learn how to navigate my life! I can't imagine how lost she feels right now! Even if her mom wasn't involved in her life, she has lost the opportunity to get her mom back, to have all of those things that mothers do with daughters. Another poster mentioned that you need to make a special place in FSD's life for her mom... And I totally agree! If you have photos or any personal objects, they could go into a few frames or a shadow box and up in her bedroom. FDH should sit down and write some stories for FSD about things Mommy did with her when she was a baby - anecdotes, worries, parenting style, etc - if you have some photos, get copies of them made and try to include a photo of FSD or BM with each one. FDH is her link to her mom now, and he needs to be able to talk about her mom so that she doesn't feel totally without. I agree with other posters about the "Big Sister" pin for the shower, and having her responsible for a shower game or something. She should get a little moment in the sun, but realize it isn't a shower for her. Oh, about always having roommates and such, my BF always had roommates too, so A__ shared his room when he was over, or more recently, slept on the couch. I understand that circumstances aren't always ideal, so don't feel that you owe anyone any explanations over that FDH wasn't able to provide a room for her previously. Housing is expensive and I assume FDH was doing the best he could. About how FSD treats you poorly... My guess is that she partially doesn't realize it, partially knows she can get away with it, and partially after lots of it, you may be oversensitive to it. I know I can be oversensitive when A__'s being a handful, or whips out some rude comment, and sometimes I just have to remind myself that I shouldn't take everything personally. My first question would be - what is Grandma and Grandpa's relationship like? Does GM do all the work while GP sits on his tooshie? If FSD is used to seeing GM get fresh towels for GP and her, and make snacks on demand for GP and her, etc, then she may think that this is just how relationships work and that the female adult partner does everything for everybody else on command. If that's not the structure of Gm and GP's relationship, my theory is out the window. As for GM's suggestion that you have to do fun things with her to make her like you, I say bullsh17! Personally, I think A__ and I bonded better on Saturday night when we wrote secret messages with salt water on black construction paper (the water evaporates and the salt crystalizes) than we did on Saturday afternoon when we were all at the arcade together. Little things, day to day things, are way more important, IMO, than "Disneyland" activities. I think you're better off to be going to her soccer practice every Wednesday than doing extravagant things every weekend. When I do fun things with A__, I tell him it's because I want us to have fun together. I have canceled fun plans because he pulled attitude on me and was rude all morning, so I said "The plan was for you and I to go have fun this afternoon, but with your bad attitude, I won't be having any fun, so I no longer want to go. We can stay home." I've used this on my multitude of nieces and nephews too, and it works extremely well to make them behave better to earn back the fun activities. I know that this is hard for everyone, but I think you've done most of what you can do (talking reasonably to FDH, talking reasonably to FSD, etc) and what she probably needs right now is time to get her head on straight while you're patient and try to help where you can. This isn't going to be easy, and I wish you luck!

Urinary Tract Infections: UTIs occur much more frequently in girls, particularly those around the age of toilet teaching, because a girl's urethra is shorter and closer to the anus. Uncircumcised boys younger than 1 year also have a slightly higher risk of developing a UTI. Other risk factors for developing a UTI include: * an abnormality in the structure or function of the urinary tract (for example, a malformed kidney or a blockage somewhere along the tract of normal urine flow) * an abnormal backward flow (reflux) of urine from the bladder up the ureters and toward the kidneys. This condition, known as vesicoureteral reflux (VUR), is present at birth, and about 30% to 50% of children with a UTI are found to have it. * poor toilet and hygiene habits * the use of bubble baths or soaps that irritate the urethra * family history of UTIs Yeast Infections: In most cases, yeast infections can be prevented by keeping the vaginal area clean and dry. Jock Itch: jock itch can usually be treated with over-the-counter antifungal creams and sprays.When using one of these, kids should: * Wash and then dry the area using a clean towel. * Apply the antifungal cream, powder, or spray as directed on the label. * Change clothing, especially the underwear, every day. * Continue this treatment for 2 weeks, even if symptoms disappear, to prevent the infection from recurring. There are lots of adverse effects of poor hygiene, besides dying. Even though many of these are not 'caused' by not bathing, it can worsen a problem that is already there if you don't properly clean. (besides having a stinky kid) There are many other conditions that can be prevented (or part of treatment is )by keeping clean. If parents of a newborn or infant didn't bathe their child, they would be neglectful parents. As kids get older, they get dirtier and teaching them good hygiene is the parent's responsibility. Skipping a day is probably not a big deal, but several days can be. Especially school aged kids that are in contact with other kids that pass along more germs. Who would let their kid go days without brushing teeth? or washing hands after using the toilet?

Thanks for your reply Ashley, it helps to know that there's people out there who understand, even though our situation is not exactly the same. We might see the skids more, but BM's influence is still very very strong so we have a similar outcome. And just this week there's another great example of it. The skids were supposed to come to our place for a week because it's holidays. They might be coming from Fri.night to Sat.night, but this is not even sure. The reason? Because it's holidays they want to spend more time with family. You can imagine how FDH felt when they said that :-( SD14 often writes on her facebook page that family is most important, but I doubt she'd think of us when writing that. It's just so important for BM to prove the point that we don't really count. For example birthdays. When it's the kids birthdays she'll make sure we don't see them on the day. She used to make skids believe that FDH didn't care or make an effort (while turning FDH's request to see them down), but now that they are older she can't do that anymore. So now she keeps them busy and because family is most important, especially on a day like that...you guessed it already. FDH's birthday is not a day we get to see them either, even though this is not an important 'family' day on her end, she'll still keep them busy. She's clever in how she does it because she doesn't deny the kids access to FDH. When they ask if they can come here for dinner on FDH's birthday she'll say "of course you can honey". Then she'll organise something and give the skids the choice, making a point of it that they should feel free to choose and not pressured by FDH. They always choose her option, no need to say. And not just that; by always telling them that FDH shouldn't pressure them, they start to perceive that FDH pressures them, even when he's not. It's programming, that's all that is. Another example when my family visits (from other side of the world, maybe once every 2 years) BM will keep the skids away from us, also normal visits are cancelled. That is when she plans 'family' time and family is more important. And you know what? I agree that my family is not so important to the skids. They have only met them a couple of times, they don't have a bond as such, they hardly know each other. My parents send birthday cards, that is it. And that is ok. FDH and I are not married yet either, they are not family to them. No problem. But, what's the harm in the kids meeting them when they visit? Why can't we have normal visitation? We do not ask for extra time or changes, only to see them as per normal would be nice! I kid you not, when my family last visited they saw the skids for 2 hrs...

I can't 'unsee' the Pink Panther