She just lost her mom in December?

You are six months pregnant, and you told her shortly after you found out, so that would have been around the time her mother died? Before or after?

How and why does she not know that her father is not her biological father, if she didn't meet him until she was three? Are you 100% certain no one has mentioned this in front of her? Are you sure she doesn't remember? My kids remember things that happened when they were three, and I am quite sure they would remember something as major as acquiring a stepfather.

She is a ten year old girl who is grieving for her mother. Even if her mother was a horrible person and not consistently in her life, she was still her mother.

And btw, my kids of all ages ask me to bring them a towel or their clothes frequently when they are taking a shower, and I ask them the same thing. At 10, I was still rinsing my little one's hair. My first thought when I read that the little girl had asked you to wash her back is that she is desperate for affection and physical contact.

I think the choice in slogans on the onesies could have been A LOT better and more sensitive to the needs of this child.

-"My mommy loves me" is likely to elicit the following internal monologue in her head: "How great for you... MY mommy is DEAD. And [depending on what I've been told] my biological Daddy is MIA. Or dead, also. Does your mommy, love ME, too? Can it work like that, or is she just YOUR mommy? Is this guy I'm calling 'Daddy' really just YOUR Daddy, then?"

-"Daddy's little girl" is likely to be read with "I thought *I* was Daddy's little girl? Can daddies have more than one little girl? Has anyone explained this to me yet?"

NOT that you need to constantly walk on eggshells or watch your every word, and I'm sure you're very eager to move forward with your marriage/family and to establish "who's who and what's what" and make it very clear to this little girl that she won't be spoiled or given any "special treatment" b/c she's "a big girl".... BUT come on. You had to pick out THOSE onesies? What have you done to off-set their messages, and the way the older girl is likely to take them? Has there been any "love is not a pie" or "we love you both equally" or "Daddys can have more than one little girl" talk/explanation with her? It should be easy enough to bear in mind the fact that you're trying to blend a family harmoniously, which means considering everyone's feelings probably more than you might feel you have to. If you're unwilling to do that because the prospect of this girl thinking "the world revolves around her" is just too scary, just be careful you don't take your approach to the opposite extreme, which would be just as irresponsible as spoiling her.

Call it self-centered, but yeah, this girl is going to be focused on her needs and she's going to be needy and want to be the center of attention. Especially at this juncture. She doesn't know where she fits in, into any "typical" family structure, so she figures she'll ensure a spot for herself by being just as cute as a bug and/or being demanding, or whatever her strategy is for getting attention, and she figures she will carve out a permanent place in the family that way. It's a struggle for a sense of "legitimacy" (in a quite literal way) and for a firm belief that she deserves to even be alive. It's survival strategy, and yes, it's that intense.

Beacuse my hunch is that even if she hasn't been told any details, that she still ---based on her own intuition as well as all the circumstances (mother dying 4 months ago, moving in with grandparents, "Daddy" supposedly not her "real dad", new quasi-parental woman in her life, new baby sister clearly marked as belonging to a "Mommy" and a "Daddy")--- knows that her position is less-than-solid. And she wants it to be solid.

Maybe she's taking this desire to extremes, maybe the grand-parents are spoiling her too much, and maybe that's not ideal... But they're at least trying to address, based on seeing the Big Picture, what her current needs are likely to be. If you don't believe in spoiling a child excessively (which I generally don't believe in either), then your task is to figure out a healthier way for this child to get her needs met, her issues worked through, and her place in the family iron-clad. Time's a-wastin', so step to it. And start by going out and buying different onesies--- with some nice kittens or polka dots or soemthing on them.

Sounds like you are in a rough spot, but I think the little girl is in a much rougher, scarier one.

Can you imagine yourself in her shoes? Just lost her mom (who sounds like she had issues with anyway), instead of going directly to her fathers house (which most kids will wonder why that happened) went to grandparents, then now is in the process of seeing father get married and start a new family. Not easy for a little girl, at all.

The acting out is her way of dealing with it. She needs to make sure she is loved by her father and her place is secure. To do that, it will take a lot there isn't a magic cure. There are going to be things that you will have to overcome, the onesies being one of them. It is obviously upsetting to her so wouldn't it be easier to not use them? Now that you know she is upset by that, it'll be easier to protect her. By forcing the issue, it is creating unneccessary hurt imo. In ten years is your child going to look back and say where are pictures of me in onesies that say "I love mommy." It is not more important that your child get to wear a onesie then this little girls feelings. This is nothing to stand your ground on.

I can relate to some of what you are talking about. My husband has a 10 year old son. Although he has sisters (3 sisters- who have other fathers), he is a daddy's boy and has been the center of my husbands attention since birth. He is not my husband's biological child and he is aware of it- biological mom made a big deal of that during the horrible 2 year custody battle. When I came into the picture, we got along fine with no real problems up until we were married last October. About a month after the wedding (and him over-hearing us talk about trying to have a baby), he began with jealousy thing. He has started comparing my time and his time with his dad. He has started to make smart comments towards me and making comments under his breath when I tell him something is inappropriate or I tell him not to do something. He started making rules about his alone time with dad. For instance, if I talk to his dad on the phone for a few minutes during their time, their time together is ruined. When he is at him mom's house, he will call and question what we are doing and gets upset if we do anything without him. He does everything he can to stay awake at night because he is scared we will shut him out. He thinks that if we shut our bedroom door for 15-20 minutes we are shutting him out. We don't do this unless we think he is sleeping, but if he is still awake, he will make a big scene once we open the door again. He wants me do to the fun things with him and praise him (which I do), but doesn't want me to discipline. He can't be away from us for more than 5 or 10 minutes before coming back for attention.

I'm lucky as he goes through phases of jealousy and then he will be ok for a little bit so I get a little reprieve. We have had the talks with him, we have discussed all the issues at various times, but the behavior keeps popping up. When his dad is there he will address the behavior as is occurs. He is aware that he has caused some of this. When he was married to his ex- they did not get along so he would focus his energy on taking care of his son. When dad isn't around to handle the situation, I now send my step son to his room if he gives the attitude. I set a timer for fifteen minutes to give him time to think about his bad attitude and what he can do better. He can read, play or sit huffing on his bed, but unless his attitude changes, he will stay in his room until his dad gets home. I have told my husband and his son that I will not put up with disrespect. Attention seeking is another matter. Unless he has overstepped the line from wanting attention to being outright rude, I will try to include him. At the point it becomes rude, he is given warnings about calming his behavior down. If he doesn't calm down, he goes to his room for 15 minutes to calm down or think about his behavior. By the way, the 15 minutes also gives me a change to cool off so I can do better discussing things within him.

My step son is seeing a counselor (I'm not thrilled with her but I don't get to choose the counselor) She did say that the jealousy thing is normal given the circumstances. His teacher has also said that some of his behavior is normal for his age. He is generally a good kid, but has a lot running through his head. His step father is verbally abusive and his mother uses him to get back at my husband. My step son has even overheard her say she was going to use him. That does not help the matter. I think he feels safe with us to show this behavior so I guess that is a good thing. We are hoping that by being consistent with our responses and still allowing him time with his father alone, the jealousy thing will work itself out. We are trying to nip the disrespect and rudeness as it happens, but we are also trying to be consistent with the praise and I love you's.

This step-parenting this is a bear, but when he does show his appreciation and makes positive choices, it is all worth it.

Thank you all for the great advice! I know there were some questions asked, so let me clear those up!

theotherside: I am not quite sure how she does not know she is not his. I know she called several of her mom's boyfriends "dad" but honestly thinks my fiance is her bio dad. Him and his parents told her that he is and always was her dad, and those other men were not. As far as I know, her bio dad is unknown.

We told her about the baby about a week before her mother died. She had not seen her mother in almost a year prior to her death, and although I know it affected her, she acted like she did not care. As for getting her towel and things like that, I have no problem doing that. It is how she demands it be done and then gets mad at me if I tell her to wash her own back that bothers me.

Serenity and gigglemonster: I see your point on the onesies. The Daddy's Little Girl one was purchased for us by his mother, and the I did buy the "My mommy loves me." I guess I am just so excited about having my first baby that all the cute onesies jump out at me. I will probably just return them. We have had several talks with her about how she will always have a special place in both of our hearts, and our love will be equal for both of the girls. And we have told her that if she has any concerns or issues she wants to talk to us about she can, but she always says she is fine.

Also, she has lived with her grandparents since she was 4. My fiance and her mother were only together for about a year, and then shortly after he left, DCF took the kids away (she has a half brother and half sister as well, and his parents have had custody ever since. They have spoiled her for 6 years now, and say she deserves it due to her first 4 years of life not being so great. I understand she had it rough at first, but I dont agree with spoiling a child. They buy her a stuffed animal a day, and new clothes every week. When she is with us, and we are at the store, she pitches a fit if I tell her she can not get something. I do realize that is not entirely her fault. I agree we need to find a healthy medium, but that is where I am at a complete loss because everything I try does not work. =\

Again, I appreciate all the responses and I am taking it all to heart! I want my family to be stable and happy for all of us!

"But once her father and I started getting serious, she started changing."

That's normal... children worry that you are stealing their parent away when they see it getting serious. You should be as reassuring through your words and actions that you are NOT taking her daddy. Let her hold his hand instead of you. Give them their alone time. Show her that she has nothing to worry about and she will be more accepting of you. (and she was there first so you are entering HER world, not her entering yours... even though her moving in with you may seem that way. Biologically doesn't matter, it's her daddy)

"She would act perfect around her dad, or her grandparents, but when it was just her and I, she would be mean, talk back, and not listen to me."

My SD did this at 6. Also common I think. The adults need to be on the same page and first, you and FDH need to become a united front and then you and he need to talk to the grandparents. Let them know this is common behavior in blending a family and it goes back to her feeling insecure and by being manipulative, she may be trying to break you up so she can have daddy all to herself. Once she realizes that daddy and grandparents are on the same page, this divide and conquer tactic is not going to work for her. She may want to get everyone that 'adores' her mad at you, then you will leave.... that is how they envision it happening. Being sensitive to her feelings and letting her know that you are not going anywhere, may help.

Losing her mom: That is devastating all by itself. add that with a new step parent, changing households (and rules) and add in a new baby that has to be terrifying for her. Even in an intact family, a new baby can stir up jealousy and insecurity in an older child that they will lose their place in the family. The certainly lose the spotlight a lot of the time. I really hope this girl has a counselor. I'd also suggest parenting classes for you and FDH.

as for her grandparent's spoiling her.. that's not uncommon. That's what grandparents do. When she lives with you and FDH, it's going to be important to give her a routine, structure and consistency. Let grandparents spoil... Also, the attitude she has isn't that uncommon for 10 year olds. My SD is 9 and has had an 'attitude' since she was 5. (she comes across as snotty or demanding) She's had trouble making friends at school and there have been countless talks about 'her' behavior and what she's doing to cause the kids to not like her. We've also involved her with girl scouts and put her in situations where she has to be more social and learning how to behave in social settings. Little girls model their behavior after their moms usually and my SD's mom isn't happy unless she has a man in her life. When she was single, she went out all the time. She'd take her girls to BBQ's with friends, drink and hang all over guys... sit on laps, hug, etc. When SD came to live with us, we got calls from the school & bus driver that she was chasing boys on the playground and sitting on an older boys lap trying to kiss him on the bus. It's been hard and I am thankful she has a WONDERFUL counselor and we talk, talk, talk.

You are getting a 10 year old that is who she is. You have to accept who she is because you can't change her. You can try to change how she behaves through rewards & consequences but I would look for the good qualities in her and encourage that. I wouldn't pay much attention to the bad behavior and give her lots of attention and praise for good things she says and does. Demonstrate through your words and actions the way you'd like her to behave. She can still model new things from you if she sees you as someone that she wants to be like. It will take lots of time, patience and more patience.

I would also think about her mom and keeping her memory alive. I would focus on the good things and not the bad. Little girls identify themselves with their mom so you don't want to point out anything bad having to do with her mom. If you put up pictures of her & her mom when she was a baby (if there are any) and tell her that her mom loves her and when she does something good, tell her her mom would be so proud of her. I know it's probably unavoidable, that her mom died from drugs and even if her mom was an addict and she saw her mom at her worst, you can say how terrible it is what drugs do to wonderful people, like your mom.

iamamommy: I couldn't agree with you more. I wish her father, grandparents and I could be a united front, but they honestly see nothing wrong. I suggested counseling, and they all tell me saw a therapist when she was 4 for a few months, and that she does not need any more counseling. They say she is a normal 10 year old girl. The grandparents tell me it is my fault she is not nice to me because I dont take her to do things every weekend we have her, like movies or theme parks, which I do not quite understand. And grandma keeps telling her that when the baby comes, she is #1 because she was here first, and that she will always be daddy's favorite. It just makes me SO incredibly frustrated.

She is just like your SD in the chasing boys thing. She tells me all the time she is "boy crazy" and I have even caught her trying to shake her butt in front of my nephews, and she claims she was just "dancing around." And I am always catching her pulling her shirt up so her belly shows or her shorts up so her butt shows. She says she likes clothes like that. The girls and boys at school pick on her, and her grandparents tell her it is because they are all jealous because she is a blonde haired blue eyed girl and the prettiest in the school.

I feel like I am in a never ending uphill battle against her, my fiance, and his parents, and it frustrates me to no end.

any child that loses a parent at 10 should have grief counseling. (at the very least)

I kinda understand the 'disneyland' weekend parenting because they don't want her to be unhappy for a moment. She's been through a lot and pretending everything is wonderful makes them feel better instead of helping her deal with the pain she's going through, which in the end will make her a happier person.

I'm sure the 'prettiest girl in school' remarks are their way of trying to build her self esteem and getting attention from boys is her way of adding to it. She's been taught to value herself by how she looks. The best way to deal with that is to praise her accomplishments. Give her lots of attention for being smart and good grades. You can't change the grandparents from what they are doing and it's sad they can't see it. You are facing an uphill battle. I wish you luck. all I can say is drag FDH to parenting classes. It may help for him to hear that some of her behavior is wrong. IF it helps, tell him that you want to take parenting classes together for you new child. (but make sure you take one that deals with older kids too, not just babies) It really helped my DH hear it from a stranger, than just me.

Here is a link that might be useful: parenting classes

This family needs a serious eye opening or they are going to have their hands full.
I completely agree with what everyone before has said - this girl is struggling to find her place, and I feel for her. But her grandparents in their attempt to show her that place are doing her a huge disservice and nothing will really change as long as they continue to paint this pretty picture of a perfect world where you get a new toy everyday, you aren't accountable for your actions and you are better than everyone.
I'm sorry to say it is doubtful they will change their ways - the only thing I see that might help is counseling for all of you. Is there any way you could suggest that the adults go, without her? Just for some 'pointers' on how to create a blended family? Maybe even say you realize you need help adjusting and could use their *expertise* in learning to deal with your new SD. . . anything just to get them in the door Then, have your ducks in a row and know the things you want to bring up so that if you only can get one appointment in you touch on these things you've said. Any good counselor will be able to pick up on the issues quickly and zero in on them.

Good luck - this just can't be easy for you.

I have not read all the other posts, so sorry if I repeat things in them.

You need to keep in mind this little girl is going through SO MANY changes and such a rough time!

-Her mother died
-Her father got engaged and a new woman(you) entered the picture and took some of his attention away from her
-Now her father is having a baby, who she feels will take even more time away from her
-she is moving into a new home with you two

I know that it was an adjustment when I married my husband and moved my son who was an only child in with him and his 3 children. Only children are used to getting all the attention, so of course she is going to act out when she is not surrounded by others who are taking away that attention.

Give it time. Give her lots of praise and positive attention (so maybe she won't do so many negative things to get attention). Pick a few things that you want to change about her behavior and set up some reward system for her changing those things. Most of all show her love and affection. You need to bond with her. Maybe do some girl things with just you and her. And also make sure she gets some one on one time with just her father.

Hi Lisa,

Can you clarify how she came to stay with your husbands parents? And the half siblings? Where are they? Does she still get to see them?

Also, I can sense that you mean well and you are trying to do the right thing. But when you say you love her just as much as your biological child, if you are lying or fibbing.....she will know it and will be more hurt. IMO, it is up to your husband to provide the equal loving and needs to address that with her.

gigglemonster: from what I was told, DH could not get her when she was 4 b/c he lived in a home with 2 other guys and she would not have her own room. So his parents took her. He has had every other weekend visits with her since. This the first time he will have had custody of her (when we get her this summer), other then the few months he lived with her and the BM.

She has an older half sister that she never really sees. She has gotten into a lot of trouble with sleeping around and stealing (she is 14) and the grandparents did not the girls around each other. She recently moved to a different state with her biofather.

Her half brother lives with his biofather and grandparents. They see each other maybe once every month or 2.

Yes, I really do want to do right by her, but I am just at a loss. I wish the sweet girl that was around when BM or grandparents were there was the girl I got when it was just her and I. She does mean things to me, then lies to her dad and says she never did that when he tries to talk to her about it. =\

This is a totally wild idea that I'm not really sure about, but it just popped into my head as I re-read this. It's possible SD doesn't realize her own behavior, and obviously your Dh doesn't want to see it . . . so what if it was caught on tape?
We tape SD's cheerleading events and then the team reviews them to see how they did. What if you had a camera going the next time you and SD are alone?
I know this is a weird idea . . . had an extra shot in my Starbucks this morning . . .

ANOTHER QUESTION FOR YOU ALL!!

My sister is having a baby shower for me in a couple months. FDH's mother is invited, and she keeps telling me that SD should be at the shower, and everyone should be required to bring SD a present in addition to presents for the baby shower. She says we should all focus our attention at the shower on SD while she opens her presents.

You are trying and that is the most important part, imo.

It seems she has had a really complicated little life already. She has a lot of loss issues, besides her mother. She may feel that she has lost everyone close to her. Her mother, siblings, grandparents (I know not completely but it is a loss in a way) and her father. I know that may be hard to hear, but kids are smart. She probably wonders why on some level that Dad didn't take her in right away. Why he didn't get his own place but instead only saw her every other weekend? I'm guessing that she is testing you both big time right now. Making sure that you both are going to stick around.

I think (other than counseling) that the both of you just need to keep strong for her. Make up clear rules and try not to take it personally when she is "testing" you.

On the other hand, if you don't look at it as a burden, both you and your husband have a great opportunity here. You have a chance to turn a childs life around and be the family she deserves. Both of you have already shown an amazing attitude in taking in a child that is not yours.

It just occured to me, but a friend of mine adopted a child and has a lot of information about children dealing with loss and grief. I am going to ask her for some links.

I am not sure what happened to the rest of my last post!

Can you all please give me your opinion on whether or not SD should be at the shower, and if so, should we all have to bring her presents as well.

Thanks!

My SD was at both showers for my bio sons, and we went shopping for a special outfit and 'I'm the big sister' pin to wear. She was 'in charge' of the games and helping with drinks, cake, etc. We played a game about diapering the baby so SD (6 at the time) could show off her skills. She really enjoyed it and people made a *fuss* over what a great sister she would make. A few brought something for her, but this was not and should not be a requirement. It sets a very unreal expectation. Does she get presents then on her grandpa's b-day? How about Father's Day? SD had to learn she is part of a family, not the center of it.

One thing we did with our first son is take SD to a siblings day at the hospital I delivered at. The kids went on a tour, 'rode' the hospital beds, made a b-day card, learned how to hold and diaper a baby, etc. It was a lot of fun and SD really enjoyed it. If your hospital offers such a thing I highly recommend it.

Hi Lisa,

I think SD should be there if other family is invited. If it is just your girlfriends, then she does not need to come but it would be nice in this situation but again, not needed.

IMO, I don't think she should get presents from everyone. There is a balance here you can strike, try to find something to make her an important part of it. Maybe a big sister t-shirt and crown? Something fun, but signifies her importance in the family too.

Hmmm,

When I go to a shower where there's an older child, I might bring a gift for the older child too. BUT, I don't bring children to a baby shower. FDH's mother is out of line to make such a suggestion. She isn't even hosting the shower. Perhaps FDH's mother would like to host a party for SD??? I think it's tacky for a guest to try to dictate someone else's party. Even though it shouldn't be 'required', if some guests do bring a gift for her, I don't think it would be out of line for you to give her the spotlight for a moment to open her gifts. If I were you, I'd do what I can to make her feel included, but the focus should not be on just her. Focusing everything on her will only create more problems when the baby comes. I know it's your first baby, but if you want to establish a better relationship with her, (and you should because she is part of your life now) you might find ways to include her in the spotlight without making her the center of attention. Maybe ask her to help you open gifts for the baby. Maybe ask her to help cut the cake or hand it out. Show her that she's important and your little helper too. (If your sister can, have the baker put a big sister on the cake). It's normal if you feel jealous and even a little resentful that this little kid is being bratty and demanding all the attention and grandparents are encouraging it, but you are the grown up. But, in the long run, things will go smoother if you work on building a relationship with her instead of worrying about the attention she is getting.

I included my SD in our wedding as the flower girl. She walked right in front of me and when the song came up where I started walking down the aisle, she turned around and said 'everybody is standing to look at me!'. I just smiled and nodded. She thought this was HER big day.... If I had pointed out that it's NOT, it was MY BIG DAY, then she probably would have resented me for that. I knew they were standing for me... it didn't matter if she thought it was for her. At the end of the day.. those things don't matter too much.

Unfortunately, FDH's parents make every holiday all about her. =\

This past Valentine's Day, SD started calling FDH's cell phone as soon as she got home asking when he was coming to bring her presents. It is a 40 min ride to his parents house, and he didn't get home from work until late, so he told her he was not coming (we had gotten her a card and candy for V-Day). She got very mad, and then FDH's mother called and made him feel bad for not seeing SD on Valentine's Day. I do not feel that is a day to make all about her, and between his SD and his mother calling constantly, our night was pretty much spent fielding phone calls.

As for the baby shower, I think the big sister pin will be a good idea. I am just scared to death that his mother will make the whole thing about SD, just as she always does. *sigh* This whole step-parenting this is a lot of work!!!

Again, you all are awesome, and I am so appreciative of the insight and advice!

Regarding the baby shower. I think it's ok to have her open a few gifts...I don't know if it should be the center of attention kind of thing. For me, we are on a budget so bringing two gifts would be difficult. The shower is about you and preparing for the new baby. Although I get that she has been through a lot and has a lot going on in her head, when will she learn that she isn't always going to be the center of attention. There are times when she needs to take the back seat so to say. I recently had surgery and my ss had a cow when he didn't get to go to a movie with his father for his one on one time with his dad. My husband had a hard time with this also because he didn't want to disappoint his son. Thankfully my husband listened and we decided this was an important learning lesson for his son. That was last month and my ss still makes comments about it to his counselor. The counselor was been helpful in explaining that there are circumstances when planned events need to be adjusted and him getting his way isn't always appropriate.
Maybe she can help host the event, serve drinks or hand out things, something that can include her in the activities, but not make her the center of attention.

The decision is ultimately yours, but remember that if you plan on being there for the long haul, the choices you make today will have a long reaching effect. The question you need to ask yourself is "What will help teach the child appropriate social interactions and benefit her in the long run."

I agree that she should be at the shower, and I also agree that gifts to her, if any, should be minimized. Sounds like she already receives too many gifts, even though her grand-parents' intentions are good. (With our super-materialistic society and young girls being the #1 marketing demographic, kids can come to learn that stuff = love, or stuff= self-worth. Not good.) But I would in taht acse maybe also try to keep the gifts to you & the baby at a minimum, if possible (by maybe giving a heads-up about this to family & friends). It shouldn't be an extreme disparity of nothing vs. huge piles, even though I agree with the concept that not everything has to be equal every single moment and that others should be able to have "their special day".

This event could be turned into a great opportunity to help her learn a few things and gain confidence in something besides what material objects she has or how cute she is, and it can be really fun. Without being excessively obvious or preachy about it (she shouldn't be aware that she's learning a lesson), it would be good for you (and manybe one or two other trusted relatives/friends) to make a big fuss one or two times during the event over how helpful she is being and mature and responsible in handling whatever her assigned duties are. But these duties should be fun ones so they won't feel like chores. She can help with the decorations (and then get praised for how artistic she is). Or she can greet guests at the door and take coats (if any) so she has at least a minute or two to be "front and center" with them and turn on her charm, etc. Or whatever. I do think it would be REALLY GREAT of you to make a point, at a key moment, of calling her over to your side and telling her in front of everyone: "If the baby is half as adorable and awesome as you, I will be so happy, and I'll have two amazing daughters to be so proud of and love with all my heart". Or something like that, that lets her know you love her, gives her a little moment of "glory" in front of others, and lets her know that it's possible to have TWO adorable, awesome little people in the family at the same time and it doesn't take away from anybody.

In general, it might not be a bad idea to clue in friends & family, nicely, about the delicate nature of FSD's life circumstances and that she's kinda struggling with a bit of jealousy and fear of losing her place in the family. If for no other reason than if she starts REALLY acting up at the shower, people will be more understanding. And they may decide to make a big fuss over her, as well as over you. But so what? In the long-run, if this is handled right and she feels truly a part of things and not shoved into a corner, it could be a very positive milestone for your relationship and set a good tone for the whole 'blended family' relationship.

Who is her legal guardian? The grandparents? Did her father adopt her? Why is she moving now, after six years? Other than her half siblings, does she have any biological relatives? Did I understand correctly that her father only lived with her mother for a few months? How did his parents end up with custody of her?

theotherside:

the grandparents have legal guardianship of her. The birth certificate did not have a father named on it, so when she was 3/almost 4, FDH put his name on it. The courts see him as the legal father, but in the DCF paperwork, it is listed as bio father is unknown.

I have asked FDH why he all of sudden wants custody of her NOW, and he says it is because he is finally settled down and wants his daughter with him 24/7. IMO, he has not ever really had to parent her before, and when she is here, almost all of the parenting goes onto me.

She has no bio siblings, just her half brother and half sister. Since she hardly ever sees them, she is pretty much an only child.

Yes, him and her mother were only together for less then a year, but I guess knew of each other for a little bit prior to that.

The grandparents got her when she was 4, a few months after FDH left her BM, DCF took all the kids away. Her sibling went with their respective fathers, and I was told that FDH could not get custody of her then b/c he lived with male roomies and she would not have her own room, so his parents went after custody and have had her ever since.

I'd have to agree with the overall advice given... definately I would invite her to the baby shower, if for no other reason than to make her feel more included with the whole baby sister business. I would not require or even request for that matter that she gets presents at the baby shower. This is one of those events that is not about her and she should not get something just because. Now, that being said I would definately get her a big sister pin or shirt and something like a special outfit for the party (which always goes over well with little girls) and since she is 10 I would make her in charge of a few things. I wouldnt limit what people give me for the baby though.. mostly because if you are like I was... the baby shower is very important to get a lot of things I would not have been able to afford otherwise. And, it may be in your best interest to have a chat with grandma about what is going to happen at the shower... ie I am getting sd a pin and new outfit and she is going to help out with this and this.. but, I will not be requiring everyone to bring a gift for her. Not that I could imagine requiring anyone to bring anything to a party that I hosted but that is beside the point.

There are some great matching Tees and onesies, with I'm the big sister on the Tee and I am the baby sister on the oneie. I know everyone is on a budget these days, but I would go for it. Maybe you could ask MIL to help.

"he says it is because he is finally settled down and wants his daughter with him 24/7"

well, how fatherly of him to decide to take in his daughter now that it's convenient for him. Maybe he should have considered "settling down" when he chose to become this child's legal father instead of dumping her off on his parents for six years. Between having both a mother and a father who couldn't be bothered to rearrange their lives to parent her and grandparents who spoil her rotten, it's no wonder she's an unholy jumble of jealousy and insecurity.

I know that sounds harsh and you're probably inclined to defend your fiance, but I'm trying to look at it from her point of view. You mentioned understanding how spoiled she is because of the way her grandparents treat her, but you didn't mention understanding that she probably feels insecure or unwanted because of how her parents have treated her, and that's probably just as big a part of her behavior issues. And her new sister isn't just her new sister, she's "daddy's little girl" that daddy actually wants from day 1, unlike her who's been relegated to living with grandparents for years.

I agree that she needs to learn she can't always be the center of attention, and the baby shower shouldn't be all about her, but can you maybe come up with some way to make a big deal out of her coming to live with you too? I don't mean at the baby shower, but maybe sometime before the shower have something like a housewarming or welcome to the family for her? (I'm just randomly making things up here, but hopefully you get the idea).

And, random question, but you're six months pregnant she's coming to live with you full time this summer... what's the timing here? For both you and her, I'm having a hard time imagining how either one of you is going to adjust to new living arrangements and new baby at the same time.

I helped DD in a shower washing her hair when she was 10, i am pretty sure. And I don't think bringing clothes to a preson who is taking a shower is such a big deal.

I recently attended a baby shower in a stepfamily and older sister was helping to open the gifts so she also felt important and din't feel neglected. She had other responsibility like taking people's coats or what not. Of course SD must be there for a baby shower. It is mean not to invite big sister!

I feel very bad for a girl losing her mother and not really having a family. She is only 10.

I think although she should not be the center of the universe but she needs to feel welcomed and loved.

Quirk: trust me, I have considered everything you are saying a thousand times already! I have never quite understood what the rush is to get her all of a sudden. It is happening this summer b/c his mother said she would not let SD go if school is in session, so summer is our only choice. I asked him if we could wait another year, so we could both become accustomed to parenting, but he got mad at me and said it is happening THIS simmer. His mother has said she will not give up SD to come live with us without a court paper, but he is doing nothing to start the process. I was looking into it for him, but I can only do so much since I am the parent, so all of that is at a stand still.

You make a bunch of real good points, and I thank you!

Wow KKNY, the big sister/little sister idea was great and constructive. I knew you had it in ya!

I am not sure it is fair to the girl to move her from her grandparents, whom she has lived with for six years, so shortly after losing her mother. I think her having to change households, change schools, change families, on top of the loss of her mother is a recipe for disaster.

It would probably be better to have an increased custody schedule for a year or so and gradually ease the girl into a move. She already has had a major loss. There is no way that she will not see a move as another major one.

I also think it will be horrifically difficult on you, with a brand new baby. It will be an adjustment for all of you in the best of times; with the girl losing mom, losing the home she has had since the age of four, and having to adjust to a whole new life at the same time as you are having to adjust to a baby, I see nothing but stress for you, at least for the short term. I wouldnt be in your shoes for anything.

I think the girl is acting perfectly normal under the circumstances.

Hi LisaMarie,
It's nice that I'm no longer the only one who is FSM to a child who is not biologically related to SO. In my case, the guy who got BM pregnant (and then threatened to kill her) has been in and out of jail for the past decade and has never met "his" son. My BF started seeing BM when A__ (now age 9) was a month or two old and they were together for three years. BF is the only dad A__ has ever had. Just a little forewarning for you, there are occasionally people (both on the board and in real-world) who won't respect your connection to FSD, since she is not biologically your FDH's daughter. Ignore them.

Anyhow, moving along... I was pretty alarmed to hear that she doesn't know FDH isn't her biological parent. A__ knows that "Mom had a different boyfriend when she got pregnant with me, and Dad became my dad when I was a little baby". I don't think he really understands genetics (considering that he's 9) but it's good that he knows. I don't think now (with all the other turmoil) is a good time to spring on FSD that her dad isn't her dad... But it's definitely something that will have to be addressed soonish. IMO, it's better to tell her when she's young enough that she has to get over it because she depends on FDH for food and shelter and the like. Maybe that's an odd viewpoint though.

Anyhow, I'm also a motherless daughter (although I lost mine to cancer when I was 16). I was done with my first period, first boyfriend, and first breakup. I was about to start grade 12 and I was doing well in school. I had siblings I was close to and didn't have to move... and it was still really hard to figure out my place and learn how to navigate my life! I can't imagine how lost she feels right now! Even if her mom wasn't involved in her life, she has lost the opportunity to get her mom back, to have all of those things that mothers do with daughters.
Another poster mentioned that you need to make a special place in FSD's life for her mom... And I totally agree! If you have photos or any personal objects, they could go into a few frames or a shadow box and up in her bedroom. FDH should sit down and write some stories for FSD about things Mommy did with her when she was a baby - anecdotes, worries, parenting style, etc - if you have some photos, get copies of them made and try to include a photo of FSD or BM with each one. FDH is her link to her mom now, and he needs to be able to talk about her mom so that she doesn't feel totally without.

I agree with other posters about the "Big Sister" pin for the shower, and having her responsible for a shower game or something. She should get a little moment in the sun, but realize it isn't a shower for her.

Oh, about always having roommates and such, my BF always had roommates too, so A__ shared his room when he was over, or more recently, slept on the couch. I understand that circumstances aren't always ideal, so don't feel that you owe anyone any explanations over that FDH wasn't able to provide a room for her previously. Housing is expensive and I assume FDH was doing the best he could.

About how FSD treats you poorly... My guess is that she partially doesn't realize it, partially knows she can get away with it, and partially after lots of it, you may be oversensitive to it. I know I can be oversensitive when A__'s being a handful, or whips out some rude comment, and sometimes I just have to remind myself that I shouldn't take everything personally.
My first question would be - what is Grandma and Grandpa's relationship like? Does GM do all the work while GP sits on his tooshie? If FSD is used to seeing GM get fresh towels for GP and her, and make snacks on demand for GP and her, etc, then she may think that this is just how relationships work and that the female adult partner does everything for everybody else on command. If that's not the structure of Gm and GP's relationship, my theory is out the window.

As for GM's suggestion that you have to do fun things with her to make her like you, I say bullsh17! Personally, I think A__ and I bonded better on Saturday night when we wrote secret messages with salt water on black construction paper (the water evaporates and the salt crystalizes) than we did on Saturday afternoon when we were all at the arcade together. Little things, day to day things, are way more important, IMO, than "Disneyland" activities. I think you're better off to be going to her soccer practice every Wednesday than doing extravagant things every weekend.
When I do fun things with A__, I tell him it's because I want us to have fun together. I have canceled fun plans because he pulled attitude on me and was rude all morning, so I said "The plan was for you and I to go have fun this afternoon, but with your bad attitude, I won't be having any fun, so I no longer want to go. We can stay home." I've used this on my multitude of nieces and nephews too, and it works extremely well to make them behave better to earn back the fun activities.

I know that this is hard for everyone, but I think you've done most of what you can do (talking reasonably to FDH, talking reasonably to FSD, etc) and what she probably needs right now is time to get her head on straight while you're patient and try to help where you can. This isn't going to be easy, and I wish you luck!

"I have asked FDH why he all of sudden wants custody of her NOW, and he says it is because he is finally settled down and wants his daughter with him 24/7. IMO, he has not ever really had to parent her before, and when she is here, almost all of the parenting goes onto me."

It sounds to me that the only thing that has changed is that he now has someone (you) to take care of his daughter. I can't see any positives to having the girl move in with the two of you, either for her or for you. It seems to me that she would be far better off staying with the grandparents who apparently care for her a great deal and with whom she has lived for all these years. If her father has not made any move to get court-ordered custody, he obviously doesn't want her very much, and maybe his parents know that. He may be just putting on a show, so he can say to his daughter, "I tried to get custody, but the court/grandparents did not let me."

I agree that ti sounds that girl is better off with grandparents which doesn't mean that dad and SM have to be out of the picture. You and your DH should be spending time with SD and have her at your house for visitations, weekends, vacations etc. But it sounds that there is no particular reason for this girl to change her prmiary caregivers at this point.

And if you & DH are feeling confused, uncertain and not fully excited and ready to have the girl move in with you, how the he!! is SHE supposed to feel?!

No wonder the "talks" you've had with her aren't "sticking". No wonder she feels so insecure that she feels driven to insert herself in the picture at all times. Her place ISN'T secure, and that's a fact. So you can't really expect her to behave as though it were, or be all content with taking a back seat when you're conflicted about whether she has a seat at all!