Well, why on EARTH would 2 sons (ages 22 and 23) who are being treated like 6 year olds--being completely taken care of, getting everything done for them, paid for for them, etc, even consider acting like adults? Sorry--I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but the situation screamed for the question to be reversed. Give them adult responsibilities--expect them to pay board (even if it's $25/week, if that's all they can afford). DO NOT cook for them--they're old enough to take food from the fridge/freezer and prepare it. STOP paying their bills--if they want a car, they need to be able to afford one. If they want a cell phone--ditto. As long as they are treated as children, they are going to continue to act like them. I'm not being harsh, just realistic--in this case, the first step has to be taken by the parent. The parent needs to decide to treat their child like an adult, and LET them grow up to be responsible and caring.

Unfortunately, the problem isn't the adult child living at home, but the mother who is putting her adult child ahead of her marriage. Now, I firmly believe that a birth mom needs to put her UNDERAGE child ahead of any non-birth man who may be in her life (date, fiance, husband), but once a child is old enough to make their own way--they should. Obviously, this mother hasn't learned the first rule of being a parent--that your job is to make yourself obsolete. In other words, it's a parent's job to raise their child to be confident, self-sufficient, self-supporting, independent. I honestly fear there is no answer to your problem, if the boy's mother choses to enable him to be a slug. YOU don't have the power to change things (other than removing yourself from the situation). This mother and son have such a disfunctional, odd relationship, that nothing you do is going to break through to them. Good luck, though

Daughter married a person of her choice, they bought a house ... and later broke up (no kids). She has been in several occupations ... and locations. Later introduced to someone by a high schoool pal: they were together for four years or so, but broke up. Now, unbelievably in mid-40s, she has bought a condo in a far-away location. I never had any part in match-making ... never even had anyone in mind that I thought might be a candidate. Son didn't seem much interested in females for years, I never considered attempting to initiate a contact (probably wasn't familiar with relevant potential suitors, anyway). Recently he has found someone with mainly grown offspring ... via internet, it appears. They have been spending time together. During a recent discussion here of raising children, I said that I'd felt that one of my chief tasks as a parent is to help my child prepare him/herself to work toward independence ... and someone referred to it, saying that she too felt it to be an important part of our parental responsibility. That said, if I'd met someone whom I thought that he might find interesting, I might mention to him that I'd met someone that might be of interest - we've developed a fairly informal, straightforward, easy-going relationship. That would be all that I might do. ole joyful

I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance...