I'm back! And there are so many responses here and I'm limited for time, so I can't respond to everyone individually. However, kswl, thanks for the info on that program -- you have to be over 21 to apply. He's only 20. Also, he is so focused on post-production, I don't think the AD role is necessarily for him. Thank you, though! And thanks to everyone else. Red lover, our kids sound somewhat similar! Briefly -- my DS was basically kicked out of kindergarten by our very rigid public elementary school principal. He went to a therapeutic elementary school til he was 12, then a nightmarish middle school, and finally a "regular" private high school that was open to kids w/ learning differences. When he was in kindergarten the dr. we saw thought he had Aspergers. In 1st grade, when he was in the therapeutic school, they said no way is he on the autism spectrum, but he has a general anxiety disorder. It wasn't until HS that he was diagnosed with ADD, and at the time, THAT dr. said the anxiety was probably brought on by the ADD. Finally, after he dropped out of college we saw yet another highly-regarded dr. who diagnosed him with the executive functioning disorder and said he could have told us that college would be a disaster. Well, thanks. Okay, so that is the very short story of his life. We are really lucky that he decided at age 13 that he had a passion and has stuck to it all this time. And also lucky that we have found (college level) educational programs that have been fantastic experiences for him. Anyway, here is what we've decided to do -- baby steps. I can't remember if I already said this, but once he started working a bit, we told him transportation costs are now up to him. So that was one small step. (He does not have a car and uses the bus and/or train or subway to get everywhere -- fortunately all are nearby, and we live close to Boston). As of Jan. 1, he will start paying his cell phone bill. It is on a family plan so he will pay his portion to us. It's a basic, inexpensive plan, maybe $30 or something. (DH pays the bill so I'm not 100% sure.) Then, next step will be rent, as of April 1 probably. It won't be high. Maybe $50 a month. I think my goal is mainly to get him to understand that he has to start getting used to paying bills (i.e., the not-fun stuff) first, then figure out what he has left over for the fun stuff. But I like the idea someone had of increasing it every 3 or 6 months. And if he is unable to pay these bills on the money he has coming in from film/video work, then yes, we have talked about the fact that he may have to get some kind of night job to supplement his income. He was open to it, but he hasn't made any steps toward doing it. The big problem with a kid like him is that he can talk the talk, but he doesn't (or can't) walk the walk! We can sit with him and talk about all the things he should do, and he says, Oh yes, good idea, I'll do that... and then it never happens. We have been trying to have "meetings" with him on a regular basis so we can check in and remind him of his to-do list. One good thing that's been happening is that he has hooked up with these two guys who graduated from the film program he also graduated from -- they are both older, one in his mid-late 20s and one in his early 30s -- who are in the beginning stages of putting together a production company, and they want him on board as much as possible. He has done one music video with them for an up-and-coming (according to DS) hip hop band -- DS did some camera work and the editing -- and this weekend is starting work on another video for another band. DS is really into music, so I have often thought music video work would be right up his alley. Anyway, who knows where this could lead. These guys seem to be real go-getters. Also, he did another project for this woman who turned out to be really difficult, gave him incorrect instructions that led to him having to talk to a TV person out in CA to sort things out, and then her check (to pay him) bounced! The good news about that mess is that I overheard his conversations with both the client and the TV person, and he was so professional. So -- he's certainly not a hopeless case. It is hard -- and has always been hard -- to figure out what he is and is not capable of. You talk to him and he is SO smart and articulate that it's easy to forget that he has a lot of wires crossed in that brain of his! And for those who asked about therapy. Yes, we are actually in the process of finding a new psychiatrist as the last (current) one turned out to be kind of a dud, and he is located too far from us to be convenient. My son's PCP gave us a list of names and I consulted with DS over which one he wanted to try -- there was a woman, an older man, and a younger man, and he felt that he could relate best to the younger guy, so I'm calling him this week. We have also seen an executive functioning specialist in the past, but after several weekly meetings, DS refused to go because she was "condescending." He's at the age where we can offer help, but we can't force him to accept it. Every so often we remind him that we are willing to pay for that kind of help if he wants it... This was longer than I intended but I wanted to fill in some of the blanks. Thanks again for all of your thoughtful input.

naturewoman0123 Its taken me years but I’m over it and it happened rather suddenly. It was like a switch was flipped. But there was a lot of hard work. I believe it was the grace of God. But also the work I’ve done. I’ve seen the reality of who my kids are and it isn’t pretty. I’ve accepted that I don’t like who they are. I’ve also accepted the situation for what it is and not what I would like it to be. I’ve also accepted that I am unwilling to be treated without respect and gratitude. I am unwilling to accept their abuse. Text is easy and intrusive. My sons text me. My daughter does not. I texted them both that I was blocking them in text and that they would have to communicate to me through e-mail. I had a very rough week and then BOOM it was better just like that. All of this is a dysfunctional family pattern that repeats itself over and over. Remaining in the abuse prevents healing. By the work I’ve done I mean counseling, reading, listening to YouTube videos and some serious self reflecting on my family of origin and how the problem was created. Bottom line is they made a choice. A really crappy choice that is impacting every part of their lives. Every choice we make forms who we are. I can’t control that. That is between them and God and way above my pay grade. Talking to other people won’t heal you. Detaching and distancing yourself and understanding the situation will. I feel better than I have in years. If nothing happens I’m ok with that and is far preferable to what the relationship is now. They are condescending, rude, hurtful etc... They deny, diminish, dismiss, blame, project and lie. Its to justify their crappy behavior. It’s the same story over and over. I feel completely liberated. Have hope. It is possible to feel great again.

I am going through this grief right now and it is possibly the most painful heartache imaginable. My adult daughter has alienated herself from me over a difference of opinion on the subject of abortion. I was at one time very much into the prolife movement. But because I've grown and learned, I've changed positions. I support pro choice. My daughter, who has suffered multiple miscarriages, read a comment I made on a discussion about the subject and was offended. She refuses to speak to me. I am beyond heartbroken. I feel as if my daughter wants to control my thoughts. She posts things on social media that lead me to think they are deliberate attempts to twist the knife. So hurtful they are, and she never considers that worse than losing a pregnancy to miscarriage is the pain of having your own child reject you. I have also lost a pregnancy to miscarriage, so I know what that's like. I've also lost my husband, her dad, and that was at the time, the worst pain I'd ever experienced. But this! This child of mine has cost me a lot in terms of sacrifice. At a time when I could least afford it, because I was home from my job for medical reasons, my daughter needed help paying her rent. I committed to help her. She got engaged to a man and mom paid for the wedding. A few years went by and the marriage ended. She needed help again to pay her bills. By then, I was old enough to take early retirement. It was all I had to give. So I did. It cost me half of what I'd otherwise have been entitled to. And that's for the rest of my life. My daughter takes little responsibility for her own affairs. And yes, mom's fault for bailing her out over and over. Her sister got saddled with her cell phone bill. Her dog damages property because he's not properly housetrained, and that has cost her sister a lot of money. My daughter owns 3 cars, two of them are high dollar cars. Her payments for those, she doesn't skip. But it's okay to let everyone else pay for her bills. And she says I lie when I say I love her,

Daughter married a person of her choice, they bought a house ... and later broke up (no kids). She has been in several occupations ... and locations. Later introduced to someone by a high schoool pal: they were together for four years or so, but broke up. Now, unbelievably in mid-40s, she has bought a condo in a far-away location. I never had any part in match-making ... never even had anyone in mind that I thought might be a candidate. Son didn't seem much interested in females for years, I never considered attempting to initiate a contact (probably wasn't familiar with relevant potential suitors, anyway). Recently he has found someone with mainly grown offspring ... via internet, it appears. They have been spending time together. During a recent discussion here of raising children, I said that I'd felt that one of my chief tasks as a parent is to help my child prepare him/herself to work toward independence ... and someone referred to it, saying that she too felt it to be an important part of our parental responsibility. That said, if I'd met someone whom I thought that he might find interesting, I might mention to him that I'd met someone that might be of interest - we've developed a fairly informal, straightforward, easy-going relationship. That would be all that I might do. ole joyful