please accept my sympathy to you and your family. i think it doesn't matter when you have lot someone that feeling never goes away. in afew weeks i will have been a widow for 4 years. everyday i think of my husband. i remember what we had for supper the night before (roast and veggies) and i haven't made or eaten it since. i still wear my 3 diamond ring he gave me for our 25th anniv. still proudly with my wedding band on my left hand. i also rec'd a diamond tennis bracelet for my 50th bd (all ths jewellery within 2 months of his passing) along with a puppy gracie joy devine (i swore we would never have another pet) i live in northern ontario so i know about cold and snow today it was minus 43! i walk 21/2 miles one way everyday to visit him at the cemetery. i hate him for leaving me. my husband was just loved by everyone, he had that kind of personality. our son hAS taken over some of his dads traits like volunteering etc. and i don't think our daughter will ever get over losing her date, she was home when the firetrucks and ambulance came to the house, but she has learned to be a nicer person. life is so funny those mean people we all know seem to live forever and ever. it took me about a year to mention Al's name but now i make sure that the kids (well 22 and 27) hear atleast one story about their dad. again i'm sorry for your loss

I don't think it's right to tell your child what to do at the other parent's place, if it's undermining the other parent - if it's really a concern (and one should choose one's battles) if you can civilly discuss it with the other parent, much the better. Kids are stuck in the middle. You also have to take what your kid says with a grain of salt sometimes ("what?? my child never lies..." hot flash- kids do lie.) - they will say what they think the parent wants to hear, especially if one parent is domineering or they are afraid of them. DD would go home to mum after having an enjoyable stay with me and tell her nothing but bad things, things that didn't even happen....like how dad gives her a hard time about this or that. Mum mentioned it to me, and I had to say, not how it happened. DD thought it was what angry mum wanted to hear. DD also mentioned to her sister (from whom I'm estranged) how she could get anything she wanted from me - not that I consider I was spoiling her by any stretch of the imagination, but....whatever. Mum, in a rare moment of shared co-operative parenthood told me how daughter had mentioned it, so I made sure I was not being hoodwinked. I know two boys whose parents are divorced, dad is a nut job, mom is a basket case but keeps kind of sort of stable, keeps up appearances which at least means kids are fed, go to school etc. Dad is some sort of undiagnosed bipolar, does drugs at home, has way too much money and spoils the boys, has all night poker games etc. The kids can do pretty much anything they want and miss a LOT of school when they are with dad. Boys went to live with mum. Went to school, things were a bit more normal. Mum is a bit uptight and probably wigged out about too many things but things were ok, but.... both boys decided they wanted to stay with dad. Kids don't really 'get' consequences, if they can do anything they like and get away with it, if one of their parents allow it, they'll probably choose the 'fun' parent. So son staying up late with dad probably isn't end of the world, but for your kids to get the best you have to dispassionately communicate with the other parent to do the best for the kids, and choose the battles. Unless other parent really is a (and not just you being petty, for example) danger to the kid, as it were, choose your battle, accept what the other parent does differently within reason, and never EVER undermine the other parent in front of, or to the children. My ex did that, since long before she became the ex, and both kids can be people I don't like very much at times. Mum is suddenly realising this now, too late, and can't do anything about it. On the other hand, newgardenelf, no offense but BE A PARENT - age 14 is young for a cellphone with unrestricted use...I would argue they should be set to receive calls only and only able to call you and emergency numbers....but here's a thought - 9.30 is a reasonable bedtime but that will have to change as dd gets older, HOWEVER - turn her phone off when she goes to bed. DOn't tell her, just turn it off. Not appropriate to relay calls after bedtime.

I think that this is a much bigger question than what the wording should be. Please forgive me if I am getting too personal. I may be way off base here, but perhaps this is something you might want to think about. I would suggest rethinking the idea of your fiance making any public vows at the ceremony to your son. No matter how much they love each other and no matter how thrilled your son is about the marriage, they aren't really getting married to each other, are they? You and your fiance chose each other, and you are the ones making the commitment of marriage. Your son may love the idea, but he isn't the one who got engaged; this would be a vow in which he has no choice -- even if you gave him the choice, how could he say no? (I realize you are just talking about a one-way vow from your fiance to him, but still, that affects the "vow-ee.") Your post refers to your fiance's making vows to your son "along with the ones that she says to me." But any kind of vows he makes to your son are, and should be, very different from the ones he makes to you. I think the close juxtaposition could make your son uncomfortable, even if he doesn't say anything about it to you (and even if he isn't himself totally conscious of it). Any child whose parent is remarrying, even a child who is very happy about it, will have mixed feelings, at least sometimes. That's normal and healthy. It's a big change in his life, and even good changes are stressful. It's wonderful -- really wonderful -- that they get along great. But what is the purpose of a vow, or any other kind of public commitment ceremony? What would it mean? When your son leaves home, would he be breaking it? If his father is alive, even if they have a poor relationship, what would this mean with regard to that? And what will happen when, inevitably, your son and your new husband quarrel? The added emotional load of some sort of vow can't help. You mention you have heard of others doing this. Unfortunately, some of those marriages probably didn't last. What is the psychological effect upon the child then, when the vows to him/her are broken along with the vows to Mom/Dad? I'm not saying this will happen to you; it's just a thought for the concept in general. Although I am sure that the adults truly believe they are doing this for the children's sake, to make them "special" and "involved" too, I suspect that this practice is at bottom more for the adults' feelings than for the kids' true well-being. Consider if you wouldn't get pretty much the same positive effect by doing things like having him be either your or your fiance's honor attendant and having your fiance make a fabulous toast to him at the reception which could come very close to a vow and include all the wonderful things he would have said if he'd done it during the ceremony. Maybe if the two of them really want some sort of ceremony for their own relationship, they could do it privately or just with family the day before the wedding or some other time. You will think of other ideas, too, I'm sure. Whatever you do will be lovely and meaningful. But for a variety of reasons I would keep it separate from the vows you and your husband will make to each other. Like the string about children "giving away" their parents. It's just too big an emotional load to impose on them, even though it all seems wonderful at the time. Please forgive me for being a wet blanket. As I said, I may be totally off here. But it is something to think about, perhaps with your clergy or whoever you go to for advice. You might also consider talking to adult friends whose parents remarried when they were your son's age. They will have a good perspective. The most important thing, of course, is that you all love each other, and you are all committed to being a family. You don't need a ceremony for that! Congratulations to all of you.

I rather feel a bit sorry for the boy. Not saying his behavior is correct or should be acceptable, but trying to look at this from a kids point of view, it's gotta be tough for this boy only seeing his father once a year (for 7 weeks) and being expected to suddenly adjust for those weeks into a completely different role. It sounds like the father is at work at least a good share of the 7 weeks the child does 'visit'. Is it possible for dad to arrangement a good stretch of vacation time during this 7 weeks? Dad needs to be the one spending the majority of the time with the child. I think it's a big order to automatically expect the child to react and behavior exactly as his stepsiblings do. He's not been raised in the same manner, and your husband is leaving it to you to do the adjusting situation. Totally unfair to you, the child and your children. Perhaps two or three visits a year would work better...no clue as to what kind of earned time off your husband gets or what kind of flexible postion he works...but several smaller visits maybe arranged around the child's school holidays would give the father and child more father/son/family time and experiences. The child sounds terribly jealous and resentful. Yet it's you left dealing with it. I doubt things will get better or much if anything can be worked out concerning interrelationships the way things stand on. I think counseling for the child might be a good idea, but if he truly is a well behaved, mannered, basically trouble/problem free child 10 months of the year while at mom's, the child is not going to readily see himself as the 'bad guy'. I also think that joint counseling between you and the father is a good suggestion. While you may have no problems/issues raising your household 10 months a year while it is just your kids , you and the stepdad/husband, there appears to be a total fallout when it comes to the other 7 weeks a year. Dad and you need to learn how to work together for this 7 weeks or dad needs to be the one home with the child doing the day in day out stuff. Until that happens you're going to be viewed (to the child) as just the 'evil stepmom' who means squat to him and he can and does dismiss at will.