Loss of first born Adult Son
jamesdasmum
9 years ago
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Loss of Adult Son
Comments (166)Dear Cindy, I am glad that you decided to return back to this site. I am also glad that you are part of a bible study group that is there for you to provide support. Karen, Marie and I are also part of a "group" that no one wanted to be part of but which eventually turned in to a life saver for the three of us. We all feel that God chose to draw us all together so that we would be there to help each other. As we mentioned before, Marie's son and my son have already passed, and Karen's son will pass in the very near future. Karen will probably share this with you as time goes along, but she also lost a grandson less than a month ago. The anger that you and Gary are experiencing now is completely normal. After receiving such a terrible diagnosis, any person (as well as their loved ones} have the need to let their feelings out. I am ashamed to admit this, but in the beginning I blamed God for making my son sick, and I questioned my faith at that point. I asked him why he would take my only son and make him suffer with this terrible disease. I felt that my prayers weren't being answered and that God was ignoring me. As time went on my feelings changed. I came to realize that God does not make people sick, and I know that he has been with me every step of the way. You wonder how you will get through this, and I tell you now that your faith in God will help you in this terrible time. As I mentioned before, our Michael was only 37 when he became ill. Like Gary, he was just starting out on his new life. He was only married 5 years by the time he passed, and his little boy was only 3. I won't go into the details right now, but his illness and death was not an easy one. He suffered terribly at the end. While not a day goes by that I do not think of my son, I have learned to go on because that is what Michael would have wanted. Please never think that you failed in some way in being a good mother. Your son has to pass through this angry stage, and sometimes the one that they lash out at are those they love the most. Give it some time and your son will come around because he needs his mom. I know how medical bills can pile up because our Michael was not able to work. My husband and I helped as best we could, but my daughter (my only other child) set up a GoFundMe page which she posted on Facebook. She was able to raise almost $27,000 that he was able to use for medical bills and home expenses. Perhaps someone in the family could do that for Gary. While you hear so many terrible things going on throughout our country today, you will find that there are still many good people out there with generous hearts who are willing to help someone in need. I don't want to ramble on too much right now. Please continue to visit this site anytime you feel the need, even if it's just to tell us how your day is going. I promise you that the three of us will be there for you whenever you need us. Josephine...See MoreAdult-ish Child, First Job and Apartment
Comments (39)gibby3000: "I sound like an "old" person talking about how we walked five miles to school in a blizzard...." - and uphill both ways, as my dad used to say. It might have something to do with the way our parents were raised, at least mine. My parents were born in 1929, the beginning of the depression and then were 16 when WW II ended. Times were tough and so many kids had to work to help support the family. They probably expected their own children (us) to do the same. They expected their own children to get out and make their own way. There is an adage (how true it is I don;t know) that one parents differently than they were parented. My parents gave me 6 months from university grad to get out of the house and basically to never bother them again. When grandkids started to come along they moved out of the city so they couldn't be babysitters. As an adult I do not have a close relationship with my parents. As an aside - Schooling is more expensive, at least here it is. Tuition and books have gone up by more than 10X since I was in university but minimum wages have definitely not gone up to keep pace and have only gone up 5X as much, grants are not as readily available for financial assistance. I just can't treat my kids the way I was treated. For me, it isn't a matter of spoiling them or not letting them grow up, it's more a matter of showing them that families are a life long family unit and commitment. It's showing them that our lives are forever intertwined, not in a stifling overbearing way, but in a supportive way. I was not raised this way. That is to say that the way I was raised wasn't wrong but it isn't the way that I will raise my children. Slightly OT - I've already told my 2 sons that when their dad and I die that they are, along with future wives and kids (if that happens) each others families. When I mentioned that to them, it was at a time when they weren't getting along very well, they looked at each other quite surprised. Since then, I have seen a change in them in that they accept each others differences but at the same time have each others back and have begun to like each other....See MoreAnyone else just back from dropping first-born at college?
Comments (29)Gosh, I don't know WHAT happened, but I lost my cool-calm-and-collected mindset overnight somehow, and missed my son so much today that I was on the verge of tears many times. Didn't say a word to anyone, so DH, DD and her friend who is with us for a few weeks were not really privvy to my feelings, also because we were all kind of in and out all day anyway. And then lo and behold, after dinner, my daughter excused herself to go get something 'she had made' to show me. Ten minutes later, I hear my son's voice calling me! Forgetting all logic, I responded, "Ohmygosh! Where are you? Where are you?" She had SKYPED him on the laptop, and then positioned the laptop to just outside the kitchen door. We had the most wonderful chat with him. It was so much more than great to SEE him! Poor guy got to see the remnants of our dinner, which included a particularly lovely looking pasta dish with fresh spinach, goat cheese, etc., and a mixed berry pie. Almost wistfully he said, "Aww, that looks so good..." DH and I both agreed he seems to have suddenly matured overnight... going to bed with a happy heart tonight.... both because I got to see my son and because DD and her friend surprised me in this wonderful way......See Moremeeting my biological son for the first time.
Comments (13)Just wanting yall to know reading this has gave me courage. I recently met my 18 year old son for the first time. Also, in tears because he described how his Mother and her boyfriend had abused him. All started off great. He called me asking for help, he was going to be homeless. Not being financialy stable myself....didnt matter. I went and took out a loan so i could buy him, his girlfriend, and my new grandbaby across America with minutes notice. My son is a little taller, and bigger around then me, but otherwise, we look like twins. I arranged for him to have a home, since my apt isnt very big, and arranged for him to get a job. Like I said all started perfect. Soon I begin to notice that other family members trying to help him are calling me complaining that he was rude to them. So, i took it upon myself to readvise him in the ways this side of his family treats each other. He blew up at me completely saying many hurtful things. Which spurred me to say a few things myself that I will forever regret. I havent given up on him. I never will. I just need to find a different way to build his confidence. While doing so I need to protect my new family. My parents are in their 80s, and my new Son is 4, so it is tough. Seems everyone has a set plan as to how we should progress this relationship, but no one has the patience. So before any more feelings are hurt I gave him some space to think. Ultimately, I think I figured out that things will be great, even if scary at first. I plan to take him fishing in 2 days. Just me and him if i can convince him to leave his family behind for a few hours. I have told him how proud I was of him for knowing better then to follow in his moms footsteps. Since his brother is only 4, we share alot of the same fears. I tell him everyday I love him, and I`ll always be there for him when he needs emotional support. To be completely honest though. I have never been so terrified in all my life, scared I`ll say something stupid. Anyways. It always feels better knowing then spend even more years wondering. Going on day 6 of no sleep over this though. It`s tough because I was adopted. I met my Bio Dad, he hated my life, and got arrested driving home, because he stopped at a bar down the street. I may never talk to my dad again, but at least I know now why. Atleast I felt better knowing I had the choice, but decided to protect my family from him....See Morejamesdasmum
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