Buford, Buford, Buford . . . Are you NEVER going to figure out how this works? Ofcourse they don't count, silly! Not only do they not count, but those four will occupy space reserved for roses that you DO want, so when you (finally) get the four that you do want, those four don't count either because the stress of delayed gratification PLUS the hassle of fitting them in cancels them out TWICE, see? So you're getting a total of nine roses, only one of which you have to count -- PLUS you then have a bonus of four roses that you get to add to next year's order(s). So that's an even dozen new roses that actually don't figure into your total. Now do you understand?

Hey guys... just reading that poem makes me cry again. I still cry every day. It's really hard when you're by yourself at night. I miss Danny. I made a shrine to him in my room. It's been a few months now and though the pain isn't... as consuming, it's still with me all the time. The time we had together, his youthful eyes and laughter, they haunt me, you know. It's still not right that we are here "enjoying" life and it is over for him, so young, so full of potential. I keep wondering why it has to be this way. And why he couldn't have been pulled out of the water, why those boys who were with him don't care about us, because they never call. I keep wishing I was old enough to start a family, that my ex boyfriend was a good man so I could give into his pressure to go home. But my path is set.... it's so strange but in the aftermath I see clear evidence that we (mom and I) are doing as God intends, that he has plans for us and taking my brothers away are part of the plan. For my mother at least, no clearer evidence could have been presented that God is here and He does care. My mom was devastated to be here, after her head cleared. She quit her well paying corporate job to slave away for my vengeful, tyrannical father. Things were not looking good - on top of the grief she had to suffer his abuse to pay the bills. She was depressed and felt she made a huge mistake in the wake of the grief. I felt bad b/c I insisted that God wanted us here, to help my Dad (before he betrayed us) to be where Dan was, to be in this small town away from the city, away from my ex bf. I prayed and I really thought we were doing the right thing. Even at the worst I encouraged her that somehow, God would come through - I could feel it. And He did. Out of a pool of 462 applicants in a town of 50,000, *my mother* was chosen to be the business manager/instructor for the only scuba diving school in the entire area. Her new job is about as awesome as they come. She not only gets paid to learn a new career, scuba instruction, but will be taking 10 paid vacations a year to take clients to places like Australia, the South Pacific, Hawaii and Florida. That we moved here after Dan drowned, and now she has a new career in *underwater life support* is not lost on me. Praise God - if that isn't direct evidence of his Love than I don't know what is. My beautiful mother has suffered so - this bit of security, adventure and hope for quality of life was exactly what she needed. The owner is so nice he won't ever make her dive in the huge brown river that took my brother, though it is the local attraction for his business. We also got to meet the diver who pulled my brother out of the water (bless him, if his body hadn't been recovered or recovered quickly it would have been even more tormenting) and my mom will get to be a volunteer search and rescue diver herself. I don't know what I'm doing. I was supposed to go back to school to finish 8 credits but I blew it off - until January. For some reason I lost my motivation to go to law school. I want to do something else. I don't know what. I will keep praying and maybe God will show me the path. I'd endure just about anything if I could have him back. Death is so unforgiving. A few minutes of being underwater, unconscious, and you can't come back. I've been re-reading "The Lovely Bones" and I really like the way that novel describes Heaven. The little murdered girl wonders why her dearly beloved grandparents aren't in her heaven. It's because she can't let go of watching people on Earth - her family, the investigation, her school. I like to think that Dan is here sometimes, I can almost feel him. But when he is not, he must be enjoying hot rods, powdered mountains and babes in bikinis. There must be babes in his heaven. I am waiting to find the perfect landscape tattoo artist, and then I will get a memorial tattoo in Dan's honor. It will be a silhouette of a snowboarder popping off an impossible cliff, with a burning, brilliant variegated sunset in the background. Dan Krueger, 1986 - 2004, it will say. He was such a good brother. I'm so grateful God has shown himself to me in the blessings and messages, so I know Dan continues on and I will see him again. I just wish he could "enjoy" life. Maybe heaven has all the good parts of life and none of the bad. But you can still feel things. I mourn the loss of his feeling - he loved to feel. We all do. That Dan's opportunity was taken away makes me feel like I should make the most out of life - but I don't know what to do. I'm just saving all the money I'm earning, and being here for mom. Thanks for caring, Lu, and I hope you all are holding up okay. Oh man, now I'm looking at the pictures to post the link. Pictures hurt so bad. These basic ones I've seen, I can hardly bear to look at them, and trying to look at the hundreds of family photos we have in the closet is like trying to breathe underwater. I just can't do it yet. CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY Man, it hurts.

Well, there are three cops that live on our street, one on this side of our U shaped road, so I don't know how this one guy doesn't know what's going on. The kid across the street was in last week's paper, arrested for heroin and meth. Not sure if he knows the kids next door to me but I know his older brother does. His brother works at the gym Lauren went to last year and we talked about these neighbors. There were others in the paper from drug arrests but I don't know the next door neighbors' names. I feel bad for the kid across the streets parents. The mom works at Lauren's school and the father and one of the boys helped me dig out of the snow when I got stuck in my yard a few years ago. Going to be a while before I can do something permanent. Big tax bill to pay and upcoming parking pass for work I have to pay for in June. ) :

Latex mattresses sold by the big "S" companies are rarely, if ever, composed of 100% latex. They contain layers of cheaper foam which tend to sag over time, and mattresses with pillowtops sag the worst. I once saw a chart showing specifications of big-name "latex" mattresses and you wouldn't believe the small amount of real latex. There might be five layers of different types of foam with one or two thin layers of latex. About four years ago I was looking for a latex mattress and did a lot of online research, including spending many months reading posts on a mattress forum. I learned about several online companies that sell real latex mattresses and provide great customer service. Specialty stores in some geographic areas (not mine) also sell latex mattress, some organic. But I was on a limited budget and knew I could never afford any of these (and I question the concept of organic latex but that's for another thread.) Based on suggestions on the mattress forum, I took a risk and made an online purchase from a web site called foambymail (the company is Foam Factory.) I purchased a 6" firm base, a separate 3" soft topper, and upgraded to a terry cover, which has a zipper around all four sides (a $20 upgrade.) The mattress comes shrink wrapped, shipped by UPS. Shipping is free. Latex is very heavy and a friend helped me lug it upstairs to the bedroom. We placed it on the platform bed before unwrapping it. As we cut through the shrink wrap carefully, it made a whooshing sound as it expanded. The 6" latex base had already been placed by the company inside the mattress cover, so we only had to shift it into place on the bed. We placed the 3" topper inside the cover and zipped it all around. Since I like cushy beds, I bought a separate mattress cover with its own pillowtop made by Cuddledown (from Costco). After four years, the bed is like new and it's the most comfortable bed I've ever slept on. If I were doing this again, the only change I would make is to get a 2" soft topper rather than 3". I might also substitute the Cuddledown cover with a wool topper since the Cuddledown is filled with polyesther and sleeps a little warm. I paid less than $700 for a full size mattress and topper; it would be a little more today. Here is a link that might be useful: Foam Factory