To visit or not to visit

11 years ago

About three years ago, after many instances of being treated rudely by DH's son and DIL, I made the decision to disengage from them. I have encouraged DH to continue to visit them, I just no longer accompany him on these trips.

What makes this difficult is DH's daughter and granddaughter moved to the same city as her brother (about 2000 mies from us). I get along with DH's daughter and I am very close to his granddaughter. I have been able to see her by flying her back here on her Spring Break; we have met DH's daughter and granddaughter in other cities while vacationing. But, I have not seen her in the city where she now lives.

Recently, the granddaughter has been stating she wants me to come out with her Papaw to see her. She has more than once said, she wants us all to be out there together, to be together as a family.

My problem is, I do not know how I can visit my step-granddaughter and DH's daughter while at the same time avoid DH's son and DIL. There is no way DH would travel 2000 miles and not see his son and grandchildren...my fantasy is it would all be very awkward...I hate to disappoint the step-granddaughter and I really DO NOT WANT to be any where near DH's son, not after nearly 20 years of rude and down right mean treatment from him and his wife...really struggling with the issue of does my love for my step-granddaughter trump self-care in regard to DH's son?

Thoughts?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (6)

dotz_gw
11 years ago
Hi Wry, Will you be staying in a hotel for the visit to SD/GD ? If you husband is on board , why not go ahead with the trip, visit them at their home, take day trips, and let DH visit his son while you are resting or taking a swim at your hotel, or shopping.....Dont let SS stop you from living your life..If you really want to see the SD GD and DH doesn't object , shouldn't be a problem..If DH wont go along with you not going to SS, I d keep bringing her out to you...Why cant you "Be a Family" in your town?
wrychoice1
Original Author
11 years ago
Hi Dotz. Thanks for the response. DH and I would stay in a hotel, and I have considered that I could beg off and stay behind if DH wanted to go see his son and grandkids. I am pretty sure once we were out there the pressure would be on to join them for meals, etc. I think DH and I will have to have a serious discussion about this to figure how or even if we could make something work
Related Discussions
best places to see plant materials
Q
Comments (4)
Unless your family shares your enthusiasm for plants, I've found that it's less frustrating for all to visit arb's/botanical gardens by oneself. I'm currently negotiating with DW on making a solitary trip to the Philadelphia area to visit the bounty of arbs and gardens. She thinks it's a bit selfish on my part, but she's coming around to what it means to me. I like driving/hiking through national forests, such as the Chequamegon & Nicolet of northern WI, or even some of the smaller county/state parks and forests. There's nothing like seeing trees growing in their natural state, isolated from human development and pressure. Even on my own property the scenery I've created through my plantings pales in comparison to what has naturally occurred. Not even close. I admire (and a bit envious of) people with gardening talent, but we're delusional if we think we're creating something that exceeds nature.
...See More
Visiting Chicago, need Gardens to Visit
Q
Comments (2)
I sure hope they did, although the Botanic Gardens aren't close to downtown. Millennium Park has some very nice plantings too. Boy these boards are slow lately!
...See More
Update on my ER visit and DR's visit today/
Q
Comments (12)
I have to disagree with your doctor, Glenda. If you think you could be having a stroke, you should ALWAYS head to the ER because time is of the essence. You probably shouldn't drive yourself, but definitely get there somehow. Wonder why he said that to you? Anyway, I'm so sorry that you are feeling low and hope your trip helps with that. Have a wonderful time, Glenda. Every time my daughter sees pictures of England/Scotland, she sighs, wishing she could go back.
...See More
A visit to gdinie's colorful garden this morning
Q
Comments (12)
gg48 - I’m sure gdinie knows all the technical details and I just reported them incorrectly :-) It looks sufficiently cactus-like for me and I’m careless enough to call fly-attracting plants carnivorous even if they technically aren’t. It doesn’t spoil my enjoyment of the plant. I like this story gdinie told about the tall sunflower plant: ‘The towering sunflower is Helianthus salicifolius. I had seen pictures of it in British garden books. During the summer it is a great background with tall stems of drooping leaves. Nobody had it, but one day I saw it in a garden here in [ ]. There was a lady working outside, so I gathered all my courage together, got out of the car, and asked if I could maybe have a little piece. She did not understand what I saw in it, but she gave me a nice division. She had no idea what it was, it had been in the garden when they bought the house many years ago. I brought my prize home and planted it. This must have been in the mid-nineties. It did well, but I did not know what to do with the 8ft bean stalks in the fall, and in the end I got rid of it. Fast forward twenty years or so, I think 2014. I had redesigned the garden, gotten rid of the lawn, and all of a sudden I had a hankering for that plant again. I knew just the spot... No nursery had even heard of it, so in the end I again gathered all my courage together, drove to the house, and lo and behold, it was still growing in the same spot. No lady outside though. So I gather even more of my courage, and ring the bell. Guy opens the door, much younger than lady 20 years ago. I tell my story. No problem. He gives me a shovel and asks me to do self serve, the garden is his wife’s work, but she would not mind. As payment I give him the name of the plant . So that is how it landed in my garden.’ Great story! I will remember that plant for quite a while!
...See More
ellendi
11 years ago
When they are rude, you are supposed to sit there and take it? I don't think so! You did the right thing by staying out of the picture. Why is your husband okay with this behavior?
Since it has been a while, would you consider trying again. Go out to dinner with them and try to keep the conversation neutral. Short of that, keep doing what you are doing. Let your husband visit and you stay back. It is your husband's place to discuss the issue of their rudeness.
You should be able to have a meaningful relationship with the other grandchild.
colleenoz
11 years ago
As the others have said, don't let your poor relationship with your DH's son preclude you from having one with his daughter.

If DH wants to visit his son, fine. You can go sightseeing, or shopping, or have a special "Grandma/granddaughter outing". You don't have to go, and you don't have to stay in your hotel room either.

If they want you to get together for meals, have them on neutral territory, such as a restaurant. Make it clear to your DH that if they are rude, you will take a taxi back to the hotel and then do so if it happens. Who knows, they may have matured a little and be able to be civil if not cordial.
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
"Recently, the granddaughter has been stating she wants me to come out with her Papaw to see her. She has more than once said, she wants us all to be out there together, to be together as a family."

This sounds like she's being coached, which means manipulation, which sounds like a baited trap to get you out there & drive a wedge between you & your hubs.

Whatever you decide to do, don't allow anyone to treat you badly.

If you make the trip, get husband's agreement in writing (because people forget when they're getting what they want) that if you're not treated well, you're outta there, & that (especially if he doesn't put a stop to any nonsense) he's not to say one d@m word to you about it.

Ever.
wrychoice1
Original Author
11 years ago
Ellen, Colleen and Sylvia...thank you for your responses. I think I need to maintain my focus on self-care. The fact of the matter is, the only thing I have in common with any of DH's adult children is him. If we met on the street, I would not think to myself, "Boy, I would like to get to know them better." They would probably say the same thing about me.

I do love step-grandaughter and it is important to me to maintain a relationship with her. Truth be told, as important to me as she is, I simply do not want to subject myself to her uncle in order to please her. If I ever do go to see step-granddaughter in the town where she lives, I will wait to do so during a period when DH's son is out of town on vacation or something. Otherwise, we can meet in other places or she can fly back here on vacation...that will have to do.

Thanks again to those of you who responded!

To visit or not to visit

Comments (6)

dotz_gw

wrychoice1
Original Author

Related Discussions

ellendi

colleenoz

sylviatexas1

wrychoice1
Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

To visit or not to visit

Comments (6)

dotz_gw

wrychoice1Original Author

Related Discussions

ellendi

colleenoz

sylviatexas1

wrychoice1Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

wrychoice1
Original Author

wrychoice1
Original Author