Hi Wry, Will you be staying in a hotel for the visit to SD/GD ? If you husband is on board , why not go ahead with the trip, visit them at their home, take day trips, and let DH visit his son while you are resting or taking a swim at your hotel, or shopping.....Dont let SS stop you from living your life..If you really want to see the SD GD and DH doesn't object , shouldn't be a problem..If DH wont go along with you not going to SS, I d keep bringing her out to you...Why cant you "Be a Family" in your town?

Hi Dotz. Thanks for the response. DH and I would stay in a hotel, and I have considered that I could beg off and stay behind if DH wanted to go see his son and grandkids. I am pretty sure once we were out there the pressure would be on to join them for meals, etc. I think DH and I will have to have a serious discussion about this to figure how or even if we could make something work

When they are rude, you are supposed to sit there and take it? I don't think so! You did the right thing by staying out of the picture. Why is your husband okay with this behavior?
Since it has been a while, would you consider trying again. Go out to dinner with them and try to keep the conversation neutral. Short of that, keep doing what you are doing. Let your husband visit and you stay back. It is your husband's place to discuss the issue of their rudeness.
You should be able to have a meaningful relationship with the other grandchild.

As the others have said, don't let your poor relationship with your DH's son preclude you from having one with his daughter.

If DH wants to visit his son, fine. You can go sightseeing, or shopping, or have a special "Grandma/granddaughter outing". You don't have to go, and you don't have to stay in your hotel room either.

If they want you to get together for meals, have them on neutral territory, such as a restaurant. Make it clear to your DH that if they are rude, you will take a taxi back to the hotel and then do so if it happens. Who knows, they may have matured a little and be able to be civil if not cordial.

"Recently, the granddaughter has been stating she wants me to come out with her Papaw to see her. She has more than once said, she wants us all to be out there together, to be together as a family."

This sounds like she's being coached, which means manipulation, which sounds like a baited trap to get you out there & drive a wedge between you & your hubs.

Whatever you decide to do, don't allow anyone to treat you badly.

If you make the trip, get husband's agreement in writing (because people forget when they're getting what they want) that if you're not treated well, you're outta there, & that (especially if he doesn't put a stop to any nonsense) he's not to say one d@m word to you about it.

Ever.

Ellen, Colleen and Sylvia...thank you for your responses. I think I need to maintain my focus on self-care. The fact of the matter is, the only thing I have in common with any of DH's adult children is him. If we met on the street, I would not think to myself, "Boy, I would like to get to know them better." They would probably say the same thing about me.

I do love step-grandaughter and it is important to me to maintain a relationship with her. Truth be told, as important to me as she is, I simply do not want to subject myself to her uncle in order to please her. If I ever do go to see step-granddaughter in the town where she lives, I will wait to do so during a period when DH's son is out of town on vacation or something. Otherwise, we can meet in other places or she can fly back here on vacation...that will have to do.

Thanks again to those of you who responded!