Dear BioMom, if you think that sending $57 dollars a month, phoning twice a week, sending occasional care packages and contacting the teachers from time to time means parenting an 11 years old and if you really think that $ 300 a month for a child are too much because "I spend that much on my family of 4 people in the house now and that includes diapers and baby wipes! And we dont buy clothing every single month for our children, clothes in our house last a while!" (clothes on 11 year old last a season, maybe, boys at that age outgrow pants, shoes every 3-6 months) and you really believe that "I mean only the rich can spend that kind of money on One child! Dad has to keep a roof over his and his new wifes and two childrens heads anyways, just because Im not his wife anymore shouldnt mean i have to help pay his rent, food and extra's,should it? and what else is there to spend on children, I mean come on ..I pay 50% of all his medical, sports, toys, personal hygene stuff,I buy schoold supply stuff, etc."(out of the $ 57 you send every month ?).......you really live in fairyland and frankly I am not surprised that when after you chose to relinquish the custody of your child, the judge decided not once but thrice to leave your son in what is clearly a loving and stable household and not to subject him to further disruption just because you have put in your mind that now, after remarrying, moving to another state etc..you can now stand up to your parenting role.. And I think the stpmom rightly resents the fact that while she's doing the REAL job of parenting, you still feel entitled to special consideration because you are the biological mother. Well in the real world it is not so: if you up and leave a 5 year old child and somebody else I raises him (everyday, not twice a week by the phone and during the summer vacation), she justly feel she has more rights than you. You write: "I only had one child with this man, what was I supposed to stay unmarried, have no more children and spend the rest of my life, staying close to this man making sure I help with all his bills?", you know that's exactly what the "wicked, cruel, bitter, full of hatred" stepmom did find in her heart to do, staying close to this man, helping him to pay his bills and raising his son, she did exactly what you could not find in your heart to do. Nobody forced you to eave your child. You chose, and everybody, your child, his father and the stepmom had to learn and to adapt to your choice. It is abot time you do it too. And let me tell about money, this woman has put her actions (and her money or her family's money, that she could otherwise spend) where her heart is, toward your son, while you evidently have chosen to do otherwise, till now. And the idea that as this biomom has now her own children so she should just "let you have yours" is completely wrong, children are not property of the parents to leave or take back on a whim but members of the family, to be cared and respected. If you really want to rebuild your relationship with the your son's father and stepmom, you should start to behave like a responsible, dependable person, financially too so they could start to trust you instead of just criticizing and belittle them and the good job they are doing while you are otherwise occupied.

This is a very tough situation to be in. It is very disturbing to hear of the sexual abuse and the dead puppy. If I were you I'd be very concerned this boy doesnt have alot of contact with your young daughter. Unfortunately many abused victims do in turn become "abusers". Seeing as though you have tried counseling and everything and nothing is getting better,I can understand how you feel about wanting him in foster care. Can I ask...did it come out in counseling that his mom sexually abused him? If so,then have charges been pressed against her? It sounds as though she has had alot of men around too,and any of them could have abused the boy also. Of course your husband may blame himself.He feels he should have protected the boy from this ever happening. Still,my number one priority at this point would be making sure this does not happen to your daughter. You never said how old the boy is? I also do not see how DFS can tell you that you cant spank your kid. As far as I know spanking is not illegal. I'm so sorry that being a stepmom has turned out this way for you. I think for our own biological kids to do things like this is bad enough,but when step kids do it we feel more powerless in the situation. Is there a grand parent,or a aunt or uncle the boy could stay with? One that maybe does not have children who wouldnt mind being a sort of MENTOR? Hopefully you will get some more great advice from others in the forum. I can mainly only offer my sympathy...

The point though is that when kids aren't all in the same age group or geographic location or school schedule, it can become impractical to take them all on one vacation. If you want to call it a "family vacation", you should take all the kids, yes. But I see nothing wrong with taking some kids some places and other kids others - provided one child (or group of children) isn't specifically being excluded from all the vacations. Sure, if we had all been between 8 and 14, it would have been rude of our parents to only take some of us... But since you seem so worried about it being fair - what if one kid was TERRIFIED of rides and mascots but loved camping, while the other three HATED camping, but were pumped to go to Disneyland? Is it fair that three get the vacation of a lifetime and one is miserable? What if the first kid said "Mom, can I stay home with GM this week while you guys to go Disneyland, and then you and I can go camping for a weekend?" Would that be fair? If not, who is it unfair to, and why? How about my family? My Dad and SM mentioned to her two youngest daughters that they were planning on going to Spain. The girls (~23 and 28 at the time) decided to save up and go with them. About a month before they left, Dad and SM told me and my sister that they were going and asked if we would like to come too. When we said "No, we can't afford it" they said "SM's girls have been saving for like 7 months" and appeared genuinely confused that we hadn't been saving for a trip they forgot to tell us about. I was mildly annoyed that they told her girls months before they told us, but I also know that this was not intentional. They buy stuff for her girls all the time, but not for any of us. However, we don't ask for much, and they do. I don't consider this a slight on my parents' part, I consider this as me not being greedy like my stepsisters. Under your theories of how SMs shouldn't have any say in their SCs' lives, but be required to be equal between all kids all the time, my dad and SM should be buying me crap all the time! I say that's a load of horsehooey.

I think SM. AS to anyone who says that they treat SKids the same as children, I have real doubts about that. As I have said before a person can not even the notice the difference in his/her own facial expression, tone of voice, etc. The child might. OP doesnt have her own children. So many variables here. I can accept that OP is tryng to be good and helpful, maybe a parenting coach could help. And when a parent focuses on trying to get control, rather than trying to help a child develope self-control (yes, even for a 3 yr old), I think that is the harbinger of greater problems.