I am a believer in the Faber- Mazlish approach. That is what I used and, while no parenting "style" completely suits any one person, it seemed logical and felt right as soon as I started reading their books.

Glad you are making the effort to go about parenting as a real job that requires research and some trial and error. I cringe when I see people yelling at their kids or hitting them--- usually because they are ignorant of the sequelae. Knowledge is empowering! Good luck!

As a teacher, I use positive discipline. I found such a change in the behaviour of my students after I started this that I started to use it at home as a parent more and more.

It mainly involves treating them with respect (novel, I know) and when problems arise, getting them involved in the solutions. I often give them their problems back to them when they come to me ("what do you think would be a good solution?").

I also teach them ways of solving problems (I use the problem solving wheel) so that they feel empowered and able to do this on their own.

Like you, I read books and found something that worked for me and then tweaked it to make it my own. Parenting isn't always fun, but it shouldn't be a drag all the time either. Havng systems in place that you can go to when you're feeling that urge to yell (or worse) can be a lifesaver.

I am not a parent. I really respect my friend's parenting which sounds similar to what you describe.

One thing she has done with her toddlers is teach them to identify and articulate their emotions, which was completely foreign to me but it really helps them resolve sibling/friend/family conflicts in a way superior to most adults.

My friend also apologizes to her girls when she loses her temper and explains her actions when necessary, however she is still the authority figure in the household.

I am a firm believer that the parent should remain the parent (not a friend) so I guess I believe in the authoritative parenting style (as opposed to authoritarian or permissive).

I also believe some parents would be a lot happier if they knew more about developmentally appropriate expectations. Having high expectations for your kids is great, at the toddler stage however I think some parents have developmentally inappropriate expectations which can lead to frustration and disappointment.

Cheers to the hardest job out there, I respect good parents!

This post was edited by robotropolis on Mon, Jan 19, 15 at 13:32

I never knew there was a name for it, but I guess it am a peaceful parent. Respect is a cornerstone of it, acknowledging matter-of-factly that "I know you don't want to" and calmly going ahead with the plans. In the middle of such an interchange DS paused and said "mom, that drives me nuts when you say that". He was 4 lol. It takes a HUGE amount of patience. But the payoffs are huge-er.

I think the main thing to think about is, what is the behavior you want to see, and how do you manage things so that happens? Not "that's not the behavior I wanted to see so I'm going to let you know by yelling or punishing"

We would send our toddler for a timeout (eventually we figured out how to avoid them altogether, and he grew up a bit) and when it was over he'd yell "no it isn't" and start all over again. He definitely had "second child syndrome" (you know, "if we'd had him first, we never would have had a second one")

Now 21 and 16, they are good kids. Not always smooth sailing, sometimes frustrating, (sometimes they're clueless but they aren't disrespectful) but we've not had the blowups that my friend who yells at and retracts privileges from her kids has.

I'd suggest watching a TV program called super nanny. (there are a bunch on youtube) I liked her approach of discipline (time outs that were based on the child's age and were enforced) followed up by an explanation and a hug. An awful lot of what she did was really working with the parents to teach them how to be consistent and how to have a backbone. I was amazed at some of the children who, before she came, would kick, bite and swear at the parent and who really ruled the roost. By helping the parent take back control, stop yelling at or arguing with the child, the entire dynamic and atmosphere changed. She also had things like clear rules of behavior for everyone and privileges that could be won or lost depending on behavior. Lots of good tools. But mostly getting parents to discipline themselves to stick by the rules that they created...to be disciplined disciplinarians.

Thanks for all the responses so far--very helpful!

KSWL--I got a lot from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I didn't realize how often I would just shut my kids down. Like the other day, my 6 year old announced that she hated her teacher. Normally, I would have told her in an annoyed voice that is not nice; we don't say hate; if you don't have something nice to say, be quiet. This time, I said, wow, you really don't like your teacher. She then went on to describe a situation at school that I most likely never would have heard about, had I not empathized with her.

I am curious, did you use punishments with your kids?

Daisy, I have been trying really hard to include my kids in the process. It's a hard balance for me to include them but not lose my place as the parent. I am just not used to that type of parenting. But, it is working.

ROBO--teaching kids to articulate their emotions is a big theme in many of the books I am reading. The thought process is that the behavior follows the feelings, so teach the child to control the feelings and they will learn to control their behavior.

I am glad to hear that your friend's parenting seems to be effective. I agree that having been brought up that a child is to never question the parent and obedience is the end all--it is hard to be open to some different methods.

bpahthome: I believe the proper phrase is positive parenting--I called it peaceful parenting due to the book with that title. I am so encouraged to hear it has been effective for you. How did you deal with misbehaviour? Did you punish, use natural consequences? That is what I am struggling with.

Like today, I needed the girls to take a bath and wash their hair. This needed to be done as we were already overdue (gross, I know). Neither girl likes baths or showers in the winter. They said no when I told them. This triggers me, as my natural instinct is that children don't tell their parents no.

I was able to stay calm and think about how to handle this without a power struggle, me yelling, ect. I told them that they had to shower or take a bath and wash their hair before we went to walmart (they wanted to go and pick out some snacks) and before we went to their grandmas (they really wanted to go). I told them that if they didn't shower in the next 20 minutes, we definitely woudln't have time for walmart. They did shower in the next 10 minutes. I felt like that gave them back some power, but at the same time accomplished my goal--of getting them to shower.

But, a part of me wonders--shouldn't they just say yes (because I am the parent) when I tell them they need to shower??? There likes my struggle...

Annie, I have seen supernanny. Interestingly enough, the books that I have been reading do not support that type of parenting. It is thought to be too much parent induced consequences, and less based on a respectful parent/child relationship.

I initially started reading books for me to stop yelling, and it just so happened the first book I read was a "positive parenting" type approach. But, as I am typing this, I am thinking that I should read one of her books in the spirit of researching all avenues. (Can you tell I am somewhat obsessive LOL!)

The book I listed by Robert McKenzie does advocate setting strong boundaries backed by consequences in conjunction with encouragement, respect, and teaching.

And, a mix or many approaches may be the most effective for me and my kids.

I was barely 18 years old when my son was born and a single mom when he was 2 years old. I didn't have the slightest clue about parenting - no friends with kids, never read any magazines or books, no parent to help. I made a ton of mistakes - my son's favorite movie was "The Terminator" when he was five years old. You know what I mean? Clueless!

Something that just came naturally to me (I guess based off of knowing what kind of parent I didn't want to be) was that I didn't want to spank and I wanted to make sure he understood what was happening. I explained things to him in a very direct way. I also made sure he knew how much he was loved and his achievements were very important to me.

I may have just been lucky and had a very easy kid, but he was rarely in trouble (but then, I wasn't a strict parent so he had a lot of leeway) and he grew up to be a wonderful man who, so far, has made some really thoughtful life choices.

He told me once that he just couldn't handle my disappointment so he tried hard to not let that happen.

Oh I'm not sure not wanting to take a shower is misbehavior, there are just so many other fun things to do lol! I imagine that I many have simply turned on the shower with the expectation that they would jump in, and usually that happened, sort of like you get the action started. Or instead of "take a shower", say "it's time for your shower" or (I learned this from a preschool teacher) "it's your turn for the shower". By the time they were 6, they were pretty easy. But we also did things like "wear a collared shirt to this event with grandpa because he likes it." Or "wash your hair because it's so nice and shiny and it makes Auntie Em so happy". I did lose out on the "wear a polo shirt to school, not a ratty t-shirt, because it lets the teacher know you are respectful and ready to learn". Oh, well, pick your battles.

DH believes in punishment, I believe in "if this, then that". Yeah, not good to be on different pages.

Even now, though, we have to set up consequences. But beware, sometimes they are willing to take the consequences, and you have to live with that! At 6 the consequences are actually minor. When they get older, the consequences can affect YOU :) so think them through completely and see how they might affect others, just in case you have to live up to it. I had to back down on one because the consequences of following through reached further that I thought (and I really, really didn't think he'd take them, boy did he surprise me)

One thing I always tried to do was to separate my love for my child from the stupid/dumb/unacceptable/irresponsible thing that they had done. I never told my children that they were "Bad". From a very early age they knew the difference.

When I said NO to something there was always an explanation attached to it because I believed that it would help give them reasoning skills for later in life and that if they heard the same explanation for the same question (yet again) that maybe they would stop asking. For example - the age-old problem at the check-out at the store "mom, can we have...." No, because I've already spent our money on... and for today there isn't any leftover."

Occasionally, I would say "you know what, there's a little bit of money leftover so would you like...(Kindersurprise was always a favourite). I've always believed in explanations but I have also never had a problem saying no to my kids.

I am not their friend but rather their parent and I've believed that kids are people in training and it is my role to train them, develop them, teach them and to mentor them to become responsible people. You don't do that through yelling or hitting.

But parenting is so individual. It depends on the child, family dynamics, day care, the upbringing of the parent him/herself.

This post was edited by blfenton on Mon, Jan 19, 15 at 16:34

We tried, as much as was practical, to let logical consequences be the punishment. I didn't hit my kids, and I never really warmed to their idea of time out. Occasionally we did punish when they got older by grounding. But no corporal punishment.

In my view, parenting is a lot like most things that fall on a spectrum. It is the extremes of the spectrum (too dictatorial versus too permissive) that cause the most damage.

My parenting philosophy has been worked out as we go and has evolved over time. Right now my kids are 16, 13, 10, and 8. They each have different personalities and needs. My 13 year old is a diabetic and my 10 year old has autism. I try to approach each child with where they are at and what each one needs help with. This is not always equitable. For the diabetic, if her sugars get out of control at a sleep over, she will lose the right to attend sleep overs. It is not fair that she has to watch what she eats more than her siblings and dose herself appropriately but it is also not negotiable.

We generally have punishments for willful disobedience but willful disobedience only occurs when there is an established rule. If the rule is, you cannot be awake before 6 a.m. and I wake up to find a kid on the computer before that time, then they lose that privilege for the day (only happened once). I generally go with natural consequences. My younger children received more spankings but we found that was one of the most ineffective ways to achieve what we wanted behavior wise so it is not part of our repertoire. I personally have liked time-outs because it helps both the parent and the child gain a bit of breathing room.

One thing I have also worked hard at is paying attention the kids. If they are going through a rough patch, I spend time with them on how to navigate it. With my autistic son, trying to talk about feelings would have only frustrated him more and would have been unproductive. For all of the kids, we are big on owning our parts in things and this comes first from the parents owning up to their mistakes too. As the kids get older, I do sometimes allow them to try and convince me of alternatives, why a decision should be reversed, etc. This is a good skill for life, thinking through arguments. Sometimes though, the answer is because I said so, or this is just the way it is and I think that is important as there are always things in life that are just this way and I want to teach the kids to adapt and move on.

As far as books, I have generally liked Kevin Leman. Incredibly funny man but I have found it sound. I was lamenting to one of my son's teachers last week though that one of things that is frustrating about parenting is that there often is no one right answer, there are multiple variables that could be great or worse and the only way we discover some of that is by living life. Good luck in your journey with your kids.

I think parenting differently than you were parented is very hard and I commend you for all you are doing. I see so many parents who don't want to be the disciplinarians their own parents were and think that the only other choice is total permissiveness. Like tishtosh says, neither extreme is good.

Keep at it. As my kids get older, I realize that all the effort is worth it. When they are young, it can seem like you are constantly banging your head against the wall (just when one problem works itself out, another arises), but as they get older you start to realize that all that thought and process you put into it really does make a difference.

My biggest failure as a parent is my inability to get my girls to get along. My sister and I fought all the time and we still have a lousy relationship. It kills me to see my girls fight. I do realize they treat each other better when I'm not around, but I wish I could find a magic solution for that one.

daisychain, my brother and I fought all the time too. With hindsight, I wish my parents helped enforce respect for each other, each other's space and things. The fact remains that just because you are related, doesn't mean you are going to like each other, but all should be required to respect each other. If friendship is going to grow, it will do so far better from a place of equality and respect than it will from an environment of comparison or contention. We were never going to best of friends, but it would've made life easier.

daisychain - I don't know if this will work for you or not - I have sons ( 21 months apart and are now 25 and 27) which I understand are different than raising daughters but for a long they didn't get along and that was putting it mildly. They are very different people.

One day I sat them down and explained to them that when their dad and I are dead that they were then - it. They would be each others family and that was it. Yes, they have cousins and aunts and uncles but for counting on one another, for that family connection for themselves and their own children who would be cousins they were it - no one else - just the two of them. It was almost like a lightbulb went on, has it always been smooth sailing no, but it sure became a lot easier.

For several years now they have had each others backs, if one needs a pick-up after drinking they do it with no questions asked, occasionally they socialize and they confide and console one another (you know, after those girlfriend breakups). I was surprised that such a simple conversation made such an impact.

I was at my wits end though and figured I had nothing to lose so I pulled out the emotional guilt card from mom.

Kristinekr -it is impressive that you are researching and trying new techniques. Good for you. So many people just repeat how they themselves were parented and disciplined.

There is a good, simple program called Becoming a Love and Logic Parent. I work with teens and their parents, and we often refer people to it. There are videos, written materials etc, that you can find on the internet. I have found myself using it a lot with my son :-)

I think "modern" parenting has a few tenets most of us subscribe to:

1. No hitting, period
2. Try to explain the "why" so that the world does not seem like random edicts
3. Try to be supportive and nurturing of the person always, even whilst condemning the behavior

All that said, I have no idea. I know many parents who I feel are loving, engaged and supportive. I have seen a very wide variety of outcomes within and among those families. So much is totally beyond our control, and maybe even theirs, who knows?

Our generation seems to look at parenting as a job or a project, as much as a role. We seem to believe that we can create the child, whereas it seemed our parents felt responsible for literally taking care of the child, but not for creating a person. I don't know if that makes sense.

Those of you who have mentioned reading a book and knew that was "right" I would say found your answer. Parents do what works for them what is easiest. Life is too busy and too complicated for it to come out any other way. To find an "expert" that validates what your heart is telling you is "correct" is a good start. I will be curious to hear how this works for you as your children grow. What I know from watching my students struggle is it is too late to begin parenting when are teens. The urge to be like the others or follow the lead of their peers is very strong. Many times stronger than any conscience or inner self talk. Good luck.

So many interesting responses! It is my obsessive personality that requires that I continue reading books, talking to my therapist friend, and now posting on the internet. I am the type of person that could be guilty of ignoring her children to read parenting books LOL!

Magdalena--you son's comment that "he just couldn't handle my disappointment so he tried hard to not let that happen" is exactly the premise of Peaceful Parenting--form such a strong connection with your children that they don't want to disappoint you with bad behavior. Congrats that forming such a powerful connection came naturally to you.

It is something that never occurred to me. I guess if I thought about it, I would say that my job was to care for my kids, keep them safe, ect--but not to know them as people and spend time building a connection with them. I suppose this is because none of our parents did this. I can't ever remember my mother spending time with just me.

bpathome--Yes, I am sure in a few years--showering will be the least of my problems LOL!

Blfenton--did giving explanations result in your kids constantly trying to negotiate and argue with you? Although I suppose that is not necessarily a bad thing....

Tish--Good advice about paying attention to each individual kid and what is going on with them. Also, I like your thoughts on allowing kids to try to convince you. I have tried to be more flexible with my kids when they ask respectfully.

I am going to check out Kevin Leman as it looks like I can have a happy family, new kid, and new husband by friday!!! LOL!

jlc--love and logic is on my books to read

Mtn: I think you are right when you say: "We seem to believe that we can create the child, whereas it seemed our parents felt responsible for literally taking care of the child, but not for creating a person."

I think the answer is somewhere in the middle. I think my parents should have spent more time getting to know ME as a person and helping ME become the best ME I could be. But, my parents were excellent parents in many ways. I have 2 sisters and we all get along really well, we all have advanced degrees, and we are all good people. I always knew my parents would be there for me and loved me. I just think that had they gotten to know ME, they would have utilized different discipline and helped me deal with the crippling anxiety that I have suffered my entire life.

Now, I am trying to guide my girls to be the best version of themselves. But, it's hard, and perhaps egotistical to think that I am equipped to do that. My older daugther is so much like me, that I find myself trying to stomp the shyness and anxiety out of her. But that is not working--I need to try to teach her to deal with her feelings and anxiety.

Arcy--I hear you on waiting until the teenage years being too late.

And I also am curious to see how this works for my children :) I am sure they will have a list of all the things that I did wrong!

As far as listening to myself--I can't do that--what is natural is yelling and expecting immediate obedience. But, the peaceful parent feels right to me, along with some boundary setting.

thanks again to all the GWers for allowing me to think out loud and get some very helpful feedback....

This post was edited by kristinekr on Mon, Jan 19, 15 at 21:13

Actually, I think you are listening to yourself. The yelling and expecting immediate obedience may not truly be you, just what you have learned. There is a part of yourself that is telling you there has to be some other way, that this is not working for you or your children. We all have some learned behaviors, good and bad, and it is when you step back to evaluate those behaviors that we are relying on something within us to determine what learned behaviors we cherish and which belong in the trash can.

Tishtishnm, that is very wise. I think if we do listen to ourselves, and our children, we can find the right path. Our children often reflect us, so if we want to see different behavior, we need to model it. I remember when my son was learning to talk and he could say "no" readily enough, but not "yes". Then I thought about all the ways we say it: yeah, uh-huh, sure, you bet, and then, or just nodding. So I started making a point of saying "yes", and he became much more agreeable :)

I wish I'd modeled time and paper organization better when they were in grade and middle school, because it is coming back to haunt us in high school. :(

Little anecdote about spanking: I didn't spank, never even threatened it. But once we were staying overnight at an inn, and DS, he was 2, was squealing and squirming and generally playing around while getting ready for bed. And he was really loud, I worried he'd disturb the other guests. Finally I hissed "DS, stop that right now or I will spank you!" Intrigued, he stopped still and asked with great interest "Mommy, will you spank me right now?"

Well, DH had to take over so I could get out of the room and down the hall before I busted a gut laughing.

-edited for duplicate post-

This post was edited by bestyears on Mon, Jan 19, 15 at 22:03

(((((((( hugs to you OP)))))))))))) I'm sure most of us can remember moments of great frustration, being at our wit's end, and really struggling with all things parenting. Like you, I looked to books to help answer my questions. When I was raising mine (now 23 and 19), most of my mom-friends were much more permissive than I was, which created quite a struggle for me. They were happy to let their kids get up and down from the table during meal time, to stay up till 11 pm, to dump the playdough in the livingroom. I didn't want to raise my children in the heavy handed manner my parents raised us, but these things just seemed like common sense to me. But because I was still finding my way, I questioned myself frequently, and would experiment with loosening the rules in some of these ways. Each time it created chaos in our house, which ultimately made me lose my temper, and completely confused my children. Finally I saw the light and decided that I had to be true to myself. I wanted a calm house, and for us that meant regular meal times at the table, regular bedtime, etc. I wish I had learned that earlier. Having said that, I still think there is great wisdom to be gleaned from many sources. But that wisdom should sit on top of your core self, not replace it.

Another thing I read that stuck with me, and helped many times, was to 'think like a cop'. Some may read that and think that is just the opposite of kind, respectful parenting, but in fact it isn't. When a cop pulls you over, he is calm, but unyielding -"Hello, ma'm, did you realize you missed a stop sign back there?" -not, "For God's sake, you blew right through that stop sign!!!!" When you offer an excuse, he hears you, and is often empathetic, but rarely rips up the ticket. "I'm so sorry ma'm, and I sincerely hope your husband is out of the hospital very soon. Please take care." Now yes, I'm still mad, because I got a ticket... but notice, I'm a pretty damn careful driver after that. Just that visual helped me stay calm so many times with my kiddoes.

I think you are very much on the right track with your emphasis on respect and empathy. Just as long as that doesn't turn into the child feeling that their needs, their wants and their feelings trump everyone else's. I've come to believe this (knowing some will not agree): If you do it right when they are pre-highschool, you will have an easier time of it than the parents who were very permissive earlier. I've come to believe it because it seems to have pretty much worked out that way among my friends. I'm not including families who have struggled with autism or other issues, particularly neurological -those of course are very different issues I know very little about. I think you can be doing everything right, and it can still feel very, very difficult at times. It's just the nature of the beast. But if you can lay your head down on the pillow most nights and feel you gave it your best, that you met your children with kindness and respect while training them to live successfully in the world, you can be proud.///

My step-children, who were grown when I married their father, remind me of blfenton's comments. They act awful to each other, even though they are now both over 40. When they were in their 20s, I tried the same tack blf used. It was useless. When there are family gatherings, they prefer to be in different areas of the house so they don't have to talk to each other. At 40+, I think I'm swimming upstream to try to change this behavior, but it breaks my heart nevertheless.

Not for the OP specifically, but I remembered reading the article below in the NYer a few years back and thought it interesting, especially the international comparisons in rearing and behaviors.

Stunning to me was when my friend told me that though his son turned 16, he had no interest in learning to drive. I thought maybe it was just his son, but no. Apparently it is a phenomenon....perhaps of this adultescence...why drive when you can be chauffeured by mom and dad? So different from my childhood days when a license was the benchmark of independence and something longed for. While some suggest it's related to social media, I tend to think it's related more to the shift in child rearing.

Just like it was "get out of the house and go play outside" when I was growing up, to now mothers giving their children rides to the bus stop even though the weather is fine and the bus stop is on the corner of their own property where there are 4 other parents also waiting at the stop with their kids....which I suppose is a level more independence than a lot of other parents who skip the bus and drive their kids to school every day so Billy can sleep 15 min later in the a.m. I remember talking to an elementary school teacher one time and he thought riding the bus was an essential part of education...there was an awful lot of stuff you learned on the bus that you never learned anywhere else....

I suppose it is the curse of every older generation to look at the younger one, shake their heads and mutter, "Kids these days!" Apparently, I'm not immune.

Here is a link that might be useful: Spoiled Rotten

I just wanted to say that I think it is wonderful that you take parenting so seriously. I have really enjoyed reading all the comments - just love "it's your turn" athome - I am going to try that one.

Just finished reading the book, NutureShock, and I would highly recommend it. It came out about 5 years ago, but I never had time to read it until now. It's not a "parenting" book, but I think you would really enjoy it. Your girls are lucky to have such a thoughtful mother!

kristinekr - if peaceful parenting resonates with you and you are on facebook there is a group moderated by the author of Peaceful parenting that you can join. it is a QA group. It is secret and invite only by email. I think I can add you if you want to send me your email via GW.

I look forward to reading all the responses, but I'm pressed for time right now. My kids are 7, 5 and 1.5. I am FAR from having the answers to parenting, but a few things that have worked for us:

When I can see that my kids aren't happy with something that I'm doing or saying, my go-to response is "I'm doing the best I can". They seem to accept that mom isn't prefect, but she is trying.

We tend to be a little more strict on certain issues, so when our kids question why Billy is allowed to do XYZ, our answer is "different parents have different rules." We've talked about how different teachers have different processes and rules too, so they can "see" that it's not just us.

When someone is melting down and I want to yell, "go to your room until you calm down" I found that it is more effective if I say "Let's go have a little talk". Then we go in the other room to talk about what is causing the meltdown. When the conversation is over I ask if they want to come out with me, or stay in the other room for a few more minutes to calm down. It almost always works.

I'm not sure if there is label for this parenting, but these little tricks work in our house.

Oh, and for the showering.... We ask who wants to go first and if they both want to then they pick a number. Whoever is closest to the number I'm thinking of gets to pick who goes first. Yes, we have had tears with this, but it usually gives them the power to make choices and make it a game. I really think that is the key in our house.

amj does the same thing that we used to do when our kids were young - we called it "couch time" but it really was talk time. When the kids were having a meltdown or upset about something I would say " lets have a talk" and we would just sit on the couch. Gradually it was shortened to "couch time". When the kids were teens and were upset about something they would ask for or say they needed some "couch time" with me. It become a euphemism for needing to talk.

Our younger son broke up with his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years a couple of years ago and he was pretty upset. At 3 AM he woke me up and asked if we could have "couch time". Of course I said yes but I'm thinking 'seriously' ? really? at 3 AM?!

Bpathome--the spanking story is too funny!

Bestyears--yes, I am trying my best to make sure that my girls are empathetic to the feelings of others. I agree that how we handle things now will impact how they behave as teens.

bbstx--I find it so interesting how sibling relationship varies between families. I am very close to my 2 sisters. Due to the responses of several posters, I tried to think whether my parents did anything specific to foster our relationship and I can't think of anything. My father was an only child, and my mother was not close to her sister--so it was not something that was modeled. But, I am so thankful for my sisters and I do talk to my girls about how lucky they are to have each other.

Annie--that article was interesting. I will say, that one thing that I am very happy with is how I have taught my girls to be independent. They both get themselves up, dressed, breakfast, and pack their own lunches for school. I am able to get a few extra minutes in bed--so I guess that was my motivation to teach them to do for themselves.

Glad--Nurture shock is also on my to read list.

Boop--thanks! I will send you my email

amj--"I am doing the best I can" I like that...

blfenton---If my grown daughters want to have couch time with me--I will feel as though I have accomplished my goal of forming a strong connection!

The advice I always give is "Roll with the kids you've got." With any kid, some parenting techniques will work better than others.

A parent is a child's primary teacher. There are goals to be met (overall, the big one is creating an independent adult) and you have to figure out what works best to teach your child. Often it will take longer than you think. Sometimes teaching the child will mean that you have to learn and implement a teaching method that is totally foreign to your personal style.

I recently read and really liked "Bringing Up Bebe." Very interesting look at how a different culture parents.

Here is a link that might be useful: Bringing Up Bebe