HI all

Dont know if anyone remembers me or missed me lol but I am back! Dont keep reading unless your bored and want to read my babble about depression. :)

I lost my name and password and changed emails a while ago so I joined again :)

Firstly, I am proud I can say all this as only a real man can. I write this to hopefully help someone and also out of respect for those who live with it or with someone with it.

One thing my dad taught me is boys dont cry and boys dont kiss their dads. What a load of total crap! Although I now respect and accept my father for who he is (we didnt talk for many years) and he is super intelligent, I treat my own son the opposite of how my dad treated me. Dont get me wrong, he never bashed me etc but he certainly lacks some social skills and loving. Mental abuse is worse I reckon than physical sometimes. Everything Was my fault and I couldnt do anything right ever. I was an idiot and failure from the start to him. Just dissapointment with everything I tried to do. That is just his way...

P.S. I learnt blood is NOT thicker than water.

I was put away for a while with the loonies lol with anxiety and severe depression after a failed suicide attempt (i even fail at that lol and no dad didnt visit me lol) but I am back almost all fixed after a long and difficult battle. If you have not suffered severe depression or mental illness, I cant explain it to you. Suicide people say is very self centred but let me tell you that I agree but if you havnt lived with the pain of severe depression, then you cannot understand it. It also takes guts to kill yourself. People dont do it for fun! There is a problem there. If you know someone with depression or anxiety too, try to be understanding as its hard to understand if your not there living with it. It is a genuine illness like diabetes. You just have no point to live. Everything is pointless and you cannot be excited about anything to do with anything. Very hard to explain.

When you mix anxiety into it, everything is scary...even just to leave the house is very scary!

i cried all day until there was just no tears left - no emotions left at all in me but sadness for no reason.

I could not sleep at ALL for 13 days. Yes 13 days! Even when I went to the Dr and finally gave in to sleeping tablets, they did nothing and I still didnt sleep. Let me tell you sleep deprivation is torture. I really didnt know what was happening to me - I just thought I was going crazy. It was mental breakdown and inevitable waiting to happen most likely due to genes and upbringing. First few nights in hospital, they had to use anti pyschotic meds (make u very tired - horse trainqullisers as they called them) and 6 sleeping pills to give me 3-4 hours sleep. I have slowly got my flame for life back with the help of many meds, my fiance, my son and trial and errors with meds and seeing a psychiatrist regularly.

I was finally diagnosed correctly with bi polar 2 and am on the right meds now.

Never thought...