Went through the same thing with my DH daugther. but she was 6 or 7ish at the time. Its understandable. She feels now she is competeing with you and is expressing it like a 13 year old. Dont let it bother you. Always keep open communication with her and your bf. Dotn think too far like having kids now. Keep dating and live together , take it one day at a time. More important. You and your Bf have to be on the same page and stick to your relationship. His daughter does not dictate your time or how you date your bf. You are the adult.You are in control with your BF. Let him speak to his daughter, let him keep at it with her. You keep your cool and at her age, the teen years she is also going through alot of emotions. Give her space and give her time. If she acts out during vacation let her father deal with it. Dont let it get you down. When she acts like a baby, then leave her with her dad to deal with and you get out and enjoy yourself. You make sure you show her that her behaviour is not nice and that it wont get your down. She wants to behalf nasty then she will have to deal with the consequences. My SD doesn have text messaging and i wouldn't accept it either between me and her. Just gives her power and i do not let her have any since now adays she is being rude. She's a teen:) Thats how they are. Deosnt matter if they are biokids or stepkids or adopted kids...its the age! But it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Stand your ground and you keep telling her how you feel. BUT if she gets a rise out of you being hurt then you ignore her tactics and say its a wonderful day and your are soooo happy. :) There will be many games , and many ups and downs..i'm sure she does like you . She just needs to adjust and really understand that she doesn't have to be threatened by you. This is what it is. She feels that now that her dad has someone, he wont be as close with her even though the times of seeing her haven't changed. Over time you will prove yourself with your actions and words. Be friends but if she resists..don't force it. you can only be friends with her...not her mother. So if she doesn't want to be friends with you..its ok. I told my SD...if she doesn't want to be friends that's fine with me. I have alot of friends. But you be respectful towards antoher human being..if not..the door is there. Swing both ways..I dont care who you are related to.

Webegardnr ... I commend you and wish you much future happiness. I think BM getting along with Dad and SM is of vital importance. You have been able to negotiate a most difficult situation. Canine, if BM is a psycho now - just wait. It will get worse. Or perhaps, she is upset because her still married husband is seeing someone else. (That would make any woman psycho). That will also set the stage for her hating you forever because if she is in a situation where she was thinking she get get him back if you weren't in the picture - you will always be considered the villain and the tug of war will last forever. If you listen to statistics ... only about 30-35% of second marriages succeed. Childless second marriages fair much better. Its easy to see why. You are 38 yourself, so you are not a child and hopefully know yourself well enough to know if you are strong enough to handle what's ahead. If you have feelings of jealousy now - its not a good sign. You should resolve that now. I, for one, could never be a step mom. When a child comes into your home, you have to understand that it is much different than a child of your own that you raised for 10 years with your rules and expectations and desired behavior (even then - its dicey-LOL). Different people value different characteristics and have different disciplinary expectations. For example ... my sister in law is a finger print maniac. Don't ever ever touch the switchplate in her home when you turn on the light ... or use the wall to balance yourself going up the staircase. She is raising 7 children that know it is better to roll down the stairs than to use the wall next to the staircase to brace yourself against a fall. However, these same kids think nothing of riding their bikes over neighbors lawns, the 17 year old is allowed to go to drinking parties, etc. Definitely different priorities than in my home. Ok ... how do you take a child from one environment and have him fit well into a totally different one for 4 days a month. Its tough. I love children. I was a a Girl Scout Leader for 11 years, worked in elementary school, etc. I have dealt with some very difficult children, but ..... there were some that I was so happy to say goodbye to after being with them for 2 hours that I literally did the dance of joy!!! As much as I love children, I could never be a stepmother. What goes on in a workplace is different than coming home and having to deal with it. My home is my refuge. The only place I can control to suit me. My little world. Don't let me scare you away from this relationship, if you know in your heart that you can handle it and do whatever is in the best interest of the child (not you). That child will always be number 1 in many situations. If you think you could be a step- mom , that child could also be the greatest gift of your life in the long run. Step parenting is like a mine field from what I have read here. My sister is now going through a divorce after a very long marriage and we were laughing about her prospects of her finding a man with no baggage ... ex wives, children, ill parents living with him,addictions, incarcerations, nasty habits etc, etc !!! She knows that she could not handle children - adult or otherwise and would never attempt it. My brother has a wonderful girlfriend that chooses not to marry him until his 5 children are grown for several reasons. She is accustomed to her place being hers. (We get that way when we're a little long in the tooth). She also does not want to have her income pay for child support and other children's needs (which it would in the state in which they live). They have been together for 7 years now and when the youngest is 18 in about 5 years, they plan to marry and have a place of their own. She actually gets along very well with his children and they adore her, but she know she does not want to be a mother again, nor share her home with children. That doesn't make her bad. It means she's smart enough to know her own limitations and not get herself into a situation she doesn't want to handle. (She is so sweet I know she could handle it if she wanted to, but why add stress to your life). We had our first child after 12 years of marriage when I was on the shady side of 32 and it was a major (I am talking major) adjustment from the self absorbed life we had led as a couple to having to meet someone else's needs 24/7. Mine are in their teens now and believe it or not ... those younger years were the piece of cake. Our daughter just got her driver's license and we purchased a used car for her (12k), insurance costs 216 per month until she's 21, homecoming cost $500, senior year photos $860, and all that I give willingly because she's my angel .... the part I can't handle is the waiting for her to get home safely, the dating scene (quite a bit different than I was last out there in 1972), worrying about college acceptance, life choices, future plans, broken hearts, etc. I can see that I will be on prozac soon. Our son has completely different sets of problems (broken arm in football), doctor appointments that never end, driving to and picking up from football every single day (twice a day in the summer),miserable Spanish teacher, driver's ed, legs that grown an inch a week, a room that reeks of teenage boy smell no matter how clean it looks (what is that anywyas?). Its something you do gladly and willingly, do without financially, emotionally and logistically because they are your world. Could I do that for a child that I didn't raise - I don't think so. If you can, your rewards will be many or if you can't follow through with this relationship - it can be a living hell. Depends also on the Dad (your BF) and how willing he will be to support your needs as a Step Mom. Whatever you choose - much luck. Its not easy to make a rational choice when your heart is clouding your brain.

Keep copies of school records showing the son has residency with dad. He can petition the court on his own to modify the support order as well as the custody order. If he did that, would the BM run to scoop up her son & resume being CP? If she is busy & really can't take him back, she is stuck with it. The courts generally want a support order as both parents are obligated to support the child. Or as in CA, it says the child is entitled to be supported by both parents. Either way, BM may end up having to pay something. Dad can't "waive" child support but he can say he makes enough money to provide well for his child and that he does not need the money and putting mom under an order could cause undue hardship on her and that would adversely affect the parent-child relationship between mom & son... and it could affect her ability to afford frequent & continuing visitation, which he doesn't want to upset. He can make a case for not putting mom under an order if he wants to just remove HIS obligation while the child lives with him. At the same time, a court may be inclined to put in the order that dad has custody based on the living arrangements, if dad wants. When BM did the same thing.. moved away & told DH in an email that he can have custody. I, right away, drafted a judicial council form that is used for agreements in family law, stating that DH has custody & BM has visitation... specified the days/times as well as holidays. BM signed it, DH signed it. Legally, it meant nothing until it was submitted to the court & a Judge reviewed it & signed it. That happened a few months later. However it did not address the issue of child support. DH left the child support order alone for 9 long months where I worried that BM would drag him in to collect on 9 months worth of support and make DH look like a deadbeat when he was the one that actually had the child. So, he filed a modification... and poof, BM wanted custody back but after 9 months of SD living with us & the agreement she signed & had been converted to a court order by the Judge, she could not instantly ask for custody back without showing a significant change in circumstance, which is required in CA. Of course by then, it had gotten nasty between DH & BM so they were not in agreement on anything. The court then modified the support order & issued a judgment against BM & made sure it included wording to keep her from claiming any back support for periods when SD lived with us. If the son is going to live with dad, then I would suggest that he first address the issue of getting it in writing for legal purposes. He can say he needs it for medical care or school, which is true. If the school were to find out BM actually has custody... they might feel at risk of some sort of liability & have a problem with it. Once he has something in writing (notarized is good, submitted to the court is better), then he has a better leg to stand on when he asks to modify support... and less worry that mom will come back at him to take custody back. The courts do not want children being used as pawns or meal tickets. IF mom sends child to live with dad for whatever reasons, the court will assume that mom had good reason & felt dad was the appropriate place. If they suddenly want to change it during a support proceeding, it becomes suspect that mom is more concerned about the money than what is best for the child. In my DH's case, BM making accusations that I am abusing SD in her response to being served with support papers was as transparent as can be. The court was not very sympathetic with her at all. It's hard to say who the better parent would be. Raising kids is frustrating at times and yelling at kids or getting frustrated is not a reason to change custody... if it were I could say that I see kids every day that would be going to live with someone else. It is very sad to me that children are shuffled around because the parents want to do their own thing, want some convenience, have their own agendas. When you have children, the child becomes the main priority in life but I see that is not always the case. I would suggest parenting classes for the parents that are frustrated. I've found it helpful for myself. AS for your original concerns... why you feel this way? I think it may be because you really have no control over what is going on. You are on the outside looking in & dad tells you what he doesn't like about mom, then does the same thing. But him having his son is also going to change his schedule, his finances, his whole life which you are a part of and YOU have no control over it... or much say in the decisions, if any. That would be very hard to take for anyone. And they may not be raising their child the way you would if it were YOUR child. That is one thing I know is true in my situation & why I get frustrated when I'm expected to contribute (financially, emotionally, or physically) to the raising of a child that my input is very limited. (or even when I am allowed greater latitude with my input, it is disregarded by the child or her mother)

Castymiss was in another thread and I already posted some questions and she answered me. So I'm going to copy her posting here so she does not have to repeat it all. And Castymiss, I dont blame you a bit for staying home and I would not feel guilty a bit if DH stays home too because you don't go. He's a big boy, he can go or he can stay home...nobody stopping him. Don't let him pressure you. Actually I'm surprised he doesn't tell the whole bunch to take a hike. Why not take BF's mother out for dinner one evening and celebrate her birthday party or whatever the event is. That way he can enjoy a quiet evening with you, him and mom without all the drama. Castymiss's posting from other thread: To JUSTMETOO...Ok..lots to answer..haha. This ex of my bfs is posting on facebook NOW...how she can't wait to go to this party. I have no problem if she wishes to see the family when we are not there. When she does go see this family which she has done a few times in the past 3 years she puts my bf down, cursing and talking trash about him to his own elderly mother. This mother also has told her to "please stop talking badly about my son in my home". She keeps it up. My ml is afraid that her granddaughter who is an adult will not come if her mother is not invited. YES this grown daughter will NOT show up if her mother does not come with her. I do NOT know why she is like this. I would NOT come with my own daughter. My daughter would make her own mind up and tell me to not go...This daughter will not. The family says they invite the mom ONLY to see the granddaughter and their cousin. If I go, and she starts talking badly about my bf and what a crummy dad he was and how awful he is when she is drunk...I will get myself in trouble and sock her...Thus I choose to remain home. My bf says he does NOT want to go if she is there. That is his choice. I have told him to go and enjoy himself. He says he is NOT going. Thus I have told him to tell his family to not let the ex come..Why should he not go to his mothers birthday..I know the mom would rather see her son than his ex. It has nothing to do with me feeling insecure. Its been 24 years I have been with him. Yes, I have ALWAYS gotten along with his family and always go to the family functions. They call me up all the time his neices...as does his mom. I think it has to do with a respect issue. I am not invited, but his ex is? I don't think so.....My bf did call and say, whats up with my woman not getting an invite...OH..usually the invitations ALWAYS have both our names on it..This time only his name was on it.....They told him that his ex did NOT want me there and she would be uncomfortable. She again told them her grown daughter would NOT go if she could not attend. Family says she suffers from Schizophrenia. Not sure if this is true. My bf just says this is too much drama and he does not want to go. So YES, I was NOT invited. He says if I am not invited, he is not going either. I do have to say that his ex NEVER brings her husband when she knows my bf will be there. ONLY when he is not there. Her husband was invited to come with her to this party but she says she is not bringing him so she can feel more comfortable around my bf...WTF??? She tells his family she is in a bad LONG marriage over 24 years and that she is still in love with my bf...I have to say that my bf has ALWAYS been very passive and does NOT like any type of confrontation. NONE....When she flings herself on him YEARS ago he would push her off and tell her to stop it. If she was drinking, she will not stop. The first time I saw her years ago she said she had to get drunk to meet me. She also said she had planned to SLAP my face...And I had NEVER even met her before..This was YEARS ago but still, she is a nut job and why would I put myself into that situation of beating her down...haha. Sorry but that is what I might do..I think if the family wishes to see her they can by all means do that...Invite her anytime they wish..but NOT to his own mothers party...when he would be there. This is a nightmare and I really will throw this family out with the wash. I have my own HUGE family. I have an ex as well...and I am VERY close to my ex inlaws and the entire HUGE family. I have 2 kids with my ex and have NEVER brought my bf around my ex at my ex families functions. My ex has a long term girlfriend and when there is a big family party...I DO NOT GO...why would I..I can see them anytime I wish on another day...I am also GREAT friends with my ex....but would NEVER think of flinging myself on him especially in front of his gf...That is rude and disrespectful. This ex of my bfs has no boundaries and no self control. Don't know what else to say. My bf has NOT seen this grown daughter since she was a baby. But HE is choosing to not go...I told him to GO even if his ex is there...I just choose NOT to be there...He wants me to go and says if I don't go, he is not going either....I am NOT going...bottom line end of story..hahaha...