Sadness as my BF has a child.


I find myself extremely upset at the moment and that when I have a free space in my head  I am haunted by this fact: my boyfriend has a 4 y.o. daughter. There are two elements to this which upset me and make me feel anxious.

My parents divorced when I was 6 y.o. I have had numerous step-parents and step-siblings as a result and also have a half brother. Growing up in an environment where you are constantly fighting for attention, or your primary needs arenÂt met, can have a traumatic impact - which I still suffer today. ItÂs difficult to express in words how hard and traumatic this can be as a child and a teen and even today as a 32 y.o. If you have grown up in a similar environment  you would understand. I honestly donÂt have anything positive to say about step families.

I donÂt want this kind of situation any more for myself. I donÂt want this step family arrangement to carry on into the next generation  I want it to end with me. If my BF and I have children, I donÂt want our children to have to compete with his daughter and fight for his attention or feel anything I have felt. I donÂt want to compete with her either but my feelings clash because naturally I want him to spend time with his child. IÂm tired of feeling like IÂm in a competition for love and attention and always come last. I donÂt want to feel this with my possible husband. I donÂt want my possible children to feel this with their father.

Secondly, I want to be a mother so badly one day. I want my fairytale of falling in love, getting engaged and married, then going through the magical and scary experience of being pregnant for the first time - together with my partner - and learning and everything else this new parenting experience brings. In my fairytale  a child doesnÂt already exist. I want to be a mum  not a step-mum. I donÂt want my family tree to be split because of his first family. Will a family with him mean we will always be second?

My BF doesnÂt understand how I feel. He responds with comments that IÂm worried about nothing as he doesnÂt currently see her, but I know this will change. My BF doesnÂt understand my perspective as his parents are still together and residing in the house he has grown up in. It means his ex-girlfriend will always be in our lives and she doesnÂt seem to be a good person. Furthermore, I donÂt think he understands how I want to share the first born experience with my partner  heÂs been there before. Even talking about babies with him - the shine has been rubbed off.

My BF is amazing and I love him deeply. The situation makes me feel like someone is standing on my chest and I canÂt breathe. It makes me sad that I might have to let go of my fairytale - my dreams of my own little family that is not interrupted by any outside factors. Just us. I think this might be too big for me.

If you have felt like I now feel and have made it through to the other side of this situation, I would love to hear about your...

Comments (1)
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

The only way to make it to the other side is to leave this BF, which I hope you did. He is not appropriate for you and you are not appropriate for him, regardless. He can't make his 4 YO child go away and nor should he be expected to. You, on the other hand, clearly know you do not want to be a SM under any circumstances.

Enough, already. . . time to move on. And, hopefully, you did!

Browse Gardening and Landscaping Stories on Houzz See all Stories
Remodeling Guides One Guy Found a $175,000 Comic in His Wall. What Has Your Home Hidden?
Have you found a treasure, large or small, when remodeling your house? We want to see it!
Full Story
Bedrooms This Teen Girl's Room Has Total Grown-up Appeal
With a textured blue wall, a mod white bed and even a Lichtenstein, this teen's bedroom draws envy beyond her age group
Full Story
Life Houzz Call: What Has Mom Taught You About Making a Home?
Whether your mother taught you to cook and clean or how to order takeout and let messes be, we'd like to hear about it
Full Story